eden1515

Well, you never can tell if you don't try. It was after I took a trip to NYC when I was 21 that I decided I wanted to live there. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. When you change your geographical location, you absolutely change your good and bad luck, and the structure of your life.

I don't dislike where I live anyway that isn't the issue.

I wrote my psychiatrist a note and I wrote the case worker a note. My psychiatrist said he was overall happy with how I was going and he said I was in a mixed affective state. He said he would talk to the other psychiatrist about who would be best to continue my care I would rather him I have met the other one and I don't trust them at all. That is the other issue half the reason I have kept taking the meds was so that my normal psychiatrist would keep seeing me if he doesn't then I think things are going to go downhill. As in I feel like I will stop talking to the treatment team people and then idk what will happen after that.

Well, only one thing pops into my mind right now. Look at this! Sentence structures, punctuation, the whole beautiful post! I hope you'll keep taking your meds - I'm very impressed! Of course, that's not the only reason, but it is a striking change. 🐈

And now, I hope you'll be able to keep your pdoc that you like (you're lucky you don't live here!). If it's the other one, your trust can be built over time (hopefully not much time).

But you are looking very good right now. You are not saying things like you did before you got on meds, like that you couldn't take existence anymore, and you wanted to scream,or do harm to yourself and others.

You really are pulling out and away from your mental health misery. You are finally within reach of a real recovery. You have to keep taking the meds. If you were in my place, you'd say the same thing. And I'm so proud of you for staying the course of your recovery. You are doing incredibly well. 🐇

probably because i typed that on my ipad and it does all that automatically. i really dont feel changed other than sadder i feel bad today idk i just want to give up i am so tired but i cant sleep.

let your pdoc/team know that you can't sleep.
It is really really important for your care and well being to sleep.
sorry it is so hard.
bizi

i dont want to do it anymore. i dont want to keep trying to be bothered to keep taking the stupid meds i am never going to get what i want anyway it isnt possible everyone keeps saying you are young you have time only i dont not much they just dont know. i am so tired i cant sleep i want to scream and bang my head on a wall everything hurts so much and it is so hard to move the pulling dragging feeling is back and i know it is just swallowing me whole again so it can throw me against the ground again and again and again and laugh at me when it hurts to much to keep screaming. it hurts but why do i feel like it is right like i need to go with it? i dont know anymore.

they know already nothing seems to work

What have you tried for sleep?
I take .5mg of klonipin to sleep and it works pretty good.
bizi

olanzapine, tamazepam, tamazepam with other things my other normal meds are supposed to help but they do nothing it doesnt matter i will never sleep properly they wont let me it is too late now anyway i dont mean that in a dangerous way btw i just mean there is nothing anyone can do now.

We have been posting for a while now....I really don't know anything about you.
Do you live alone?
Do you have family?
How do you support yourself?
How old are you?
Do you have any pets?
How is your nutrition these days?
Could you ask for klonipin to try to help you sleep?
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Eden,

If your still in the hospital they can give you medications that will make you sleep. Usually when I go manic and wind up in the ER I would say about 50 percent of the time they give me some sort of shot and then I wake up somewhere else (a psych ward in another hospital) and I don't know where I am when I wake up.

Sometimes they transport me awake other times they knock me out. I don't know what it is that they give me but it knocks me out and by that time I am completely manic and fully psychotic and delusional and I haven't slept in days so I know it would work.

I would just tell them you want to sleep and none of the meds are working and I am sure they would give you something stronger. Sleep is very important, you need good sleep to get better.

She is home now.
bizi

i dont live alone
i have family
i get some money from the government to pay for my medical other than that my parents support me i am 18 btw
i have a dog 2 birds a rabbit and 5 fish
my nutrition is not too bad it is fairly average
i cant ask for that.

i just dont want to do it anymore.

Eden,

One thing I've found good for sleep is melatonin. People usually don't take enough, but start with 6 mg. If that doesn't work, try 10. You can get it over the counter. It's usually in the supplement aisle.

It will take about an hour to work, but I was amazed. I don't respond to sleep meds either (they either do nothing or they have terrible side effects).

Every little step will help. You have to take that next little step. The world can only meet you halfway. It will be worth it. I have fought my disease for over 45 years. I finally have a grip on it. Life is worth it. You won't have to do what I did. While not perfect, medicine has come much further than when I was a kid.

Just a little step, Eden. Do just one positive thing for yourself today. Anything. Get that melatonin for example. Just do one positive thing today, even if you think it won't help.

And one other thing, Eden.

Give yourself credit. You have worked hard. You are getting better even though everything feels like garbage right now.You are advocating for yourself, and you are maintaining meds and keeping appointment. I don't care if your folks are driving you. You are going. That is really something.

I don't know if melatonin is over the counter here is aus or not either way I am so tired of trying though doing what people say and it not working everyone keeps saying I am doing better but I feel worse I feel like I am about to explode any second like actually I feel terrible I don't know if I can keep taking the meds each day it gets harder and harder to keep doing that and I don't see a good reason to do it anymore anyway. Even at the hospital I just stopped talking about things that doesn't mean they stopped happening but I had to get out I had to make sure they thought I was fine. People don't get it I don't mean here necessarily but like in genral. I just I literally don't want to do it anymore I am so freaking tired and nothing will ever make it all stop.

I am glad that you have some family, hopefully they are supportive of you.
Do you have a good relationship with your mom?
or someone else that you trust?

bizi

Eden,

I know you feel bad right now but keep taking your meds and keep trying. Its the only way your ever going to get better. It can get better too.

I was here when you first came here and I saw how bad you were doing back then. Even though its embarrassing to say this, it reminded me a lot of myself when I am manic. I get very psychotic and am way out there when I go manic so I am a lot like you are.

Now I am not saying I am perfect now, far from it. I still fight mild depression and sometimes the anxiety is out of control but at least the psychosis is gone and I live as normal of a life as I can. The meds are the key to this. Also be honest with your Dr so he can adjust meds or switch meds until they find something that works for you. That's the only way to beat this illness. Hugs

You really are doing better now, Eden. You want us to believe different, but I'm certain you are somewhat better now. Please keep taking your meds.

BTW, I have been taking generic zanaflex for sleep - 2 or 4 mg (depending how tired I am) and 50 mg of generic Vistaril. Maybe your doc would let you see how that works. Also, Trazadone is very often prescribed too, but I don't like that one much.

It isn't like that I don't want you to think I am doing badly for no reason I want you all to understand that I feel like **** that is it I don't feel better that is all and when people keep saying I am it is like a slap in the face not only because it feels like they are saying I am lying but because it is not true and it does not represent how I feel and it reminds me that no matter how hard I try people still don't get it. I am not trying to be mean by saying this and I don't think anyone's intentions are bad I just mean that for crying out loud of someone says their legs is broken and they are taking painkillers you wouldnt expect them to walk because their leg is still broken and probably still very painful even still with the painkillers.

I am working on the relationship with my mum but it is not at a trusting enough level that I would share details.

Well, you're still in very early times so far. I agree it feels lousy for awhile (early days on meds - it took at least 3 months for me, on first one ap, and then for the one they switched me to in April).

It's a waiting game, i guess. I don't expect you to feel ok this early in the meds. It's only been 7 weeks for you, so far?

Olanzapine started working for me pretty early on but I gained so much weight on it, they switched me to Risperdal. I went for about 10 years between trying some ap's and then actually staying on them. So I know what it's like to not want to take meds. I urge you to keep taking them, but no one can make you. We all just want to see you getting better. We feel so helpless. We almost all agree (here on pc) you'll be a lot better on meds. But no one can make you, but it just feels so unnecessary for you to keep suffering.

dear eden. You seem better because all of your posts are not psychotic sounding.
that is why people think you are better.
bizi