eden1515

Eden, you used to make very little sense when you posted. Your old posts were very full of delusion and magical thinking, panic and hysteria. You used no grammar skills -- just kind of unstoppable words with no clear beginning or end.

Your posts recently are more grounded. You make sense and are speaking in more realistic terms. Yes, you still sound like things are still difficult; we don't doubt that. We all know how long it takes for things to really improve. However, there is a marked improvement in your ability to communicate. It may not feel better on the inside yet, but sometimes it takes a long time for the insides and outsides to match up. There is also a tendency for us all to not be able to really see those kinds of improvements in ourselves because we had such poor insight into how ill we were previously that we aren't really able to see the change now.

I wasn't sick before and I am still not sick things are challenging but that doesn't mean it is an illness and I still feel all those things I just stopped writing about them because I couldn't be bothered I still think the meds are poison and I still get freaked out by all the spirits and demons and I still feel bad about what I have done to the Angels I am just my birthday is coming up and I didn't want to be in the hospital for that so I am playing their stupid game for a while then I plan to disappear and no one will have to deal with me.

But then what'?

You will be outside... felling this bad.

Eden,

Your still not doing great if the angels and demons are still around but sometimes it takes a while for the delusions to disappear after a manic episode so this may hang on a while. Trust me when I tell you that the meds are not poison, they are there to help you. Just like everyone here and your Drs are there to help you. I hope you have a happy birthday and I also hope you don't just disappear. I think everyone here would miss you if you just disappeared.

I will not be outside. It is not about being missed anymore I can't take the meds something happened and now I can't someone new popped up a few days ago and he hates me a lot and he has friends that hate me a lot only I am not allowed to tell my case worker about him or take the meds anymore but my case worker is coming around to my house in the morning cause she said it was important after what I told her and she is going to ask about the meds and I am going to have to lie to her but I hate lying I hate it but this time I don't have a choice.

Eden, don't do this. Don't undo any progress you have made by going back to lying to your case workers and doctors again. You had made progress and were doing better, but your meds apparently need adjusting. That is normal and would not be surprising to your doctors or case workers. You need to be honest with them about what is going on in your head, what you are afraid of, that you are planning not to take meds again. Going back to what you were doing before will only result in you deteriorating to the point of having to be admitted to the hospital again. You do have a choice here to be truthful and stand up for your own mental health.

This seems to be such a vicious cycle for you. I wish I had words of wisdom. I truly wish you wellness and piece of mind. Hugs

Eden read what you write. It either doesn't make much sense or it's about you lying and sabotaging your mental health all over again. Don't you want to get better? It really seems like you don't. I understand that certain meds don't work the same for everyone. I think what you need is to try a different med because while everyone is saying that you got better, I just don't see it. You've admitted this whole time you're still seeing Angels and Demons etc so I don't see how this is "better".

The difference has been in her ability to communicate. Some of us have been reading her posts for a very long time and did see a marked improvement in her communication and her level of rationality. Not 100%, but definitely a marked improvement that seemed very encouraging. But in the last week (pretty much since she left the hospital), she seems to be deteriorating again. Hate to see it when things were just starting to be going the right direction for her. But Eden, you have to keep communicating with your case workers and doctors or they cannot help you.

Eden,

What do you mean by feeling bad? Is it something like this? You no longer feel as "up" and happy as you once did? Is it harder to see the angels and communicate with them? It just means your coming down. I know that's hard to deal with and you don't want to let this all go but really, and I am not lying to you, its for the best.

You might even feel some depression sneaking its way in until this is over and your not sure how to feel. On the one hand you feel the energy of mania, on the other you feel like crap because your starting to feel the depression coming on. It can feel really irritable coming down, but it really is for the best. You might even have started to question what's real and what's not but you might not be at that stage yet.

Please do take your meds. Your probably at this point not going to go back up again anyway and they will help with the crash that your about to face. Also don't run off anywhere you really do need the support of your parents right now.

Hugs

Well I don't exactly think I am sick so better.....but no I don't want to feel bad or be scared by these things if that is what you are asking. And I never said I was "better" others said that. I am not trying a different med I am not trying any new meds ever again nope nope nope.

I feel down and up at the same time it is very uncomfortable.

I might be able to tell my psychologist about the new arrival but that is it.

my case worker ended up finding out i didnt take the meds but not why she thought i just didnt like the drowsiness so now i am supposed to take them at night. my psychologist might be doing a dbt group soon if he can organise it. if he does i will do the course if not i dont know how much longer i can hold out i am exhausted i did tell my psychologist about the new arrival.

I'm very glad you told your psychologist what's going on. You sound better today so far. It goes to show that recovery is a multi step pathway. One really does get better in a non linear schedule. Very often, it's one step forward, 2 steps back, or two steps toward the sides.

I believe in you, Eden. You can do this.

Eden,

Did you tell them about the lack of sleep? You really need to get some good sleep to get through this. Taking your meds in the evenings is a good idea if they make you drowsy during the day. Just keep taking them though so you can keep getting better.

Also about these angels, are you still seeing them? I know you might not be ready to hear this, and you might not believe me yet. Anyway I have had several manic episodes and during these episodes I have seen and heard a bunch of things that seemed very real at the time. The truth is, none of it was real. It all was just symptoms of this illness.

I know it probably sucks to hear your angels might just be a symptom of your illness. I also know how real this kind of stuff can seem. You really should tell your Dr if your still seeing them. You don't want to go around seeing and talking to things that are not real do you?

Everybody here is rooting for you to get better and want what's best for you. Make sure you tell your Dr everything that is going on so they can help you better get through this. Hugs

they all know i am not sleeping and yes the angels never left nothing has actually gone away it has just been dulled a tiny bit that is all and my communication skills are not thanks to the meds they are thanks to me working hard for over 4 months forcing myself to talk to people and actually saying what i am thinking not keeping it hidden the meds have done very little FYI this is not just at the last poster btw this is to everyone.

You have in your signature line that you have a depersonalization disorder. What does that mean to you? Is this part of what is going on?
bizi

it is sometimes it just means i disassociate a lot so i feel like spaced out a lot this is not really the main issue.

you also state that you are border line personality. What does this mean to you?
bizi

I believe they know that well. They work with people's psychoses every day. To them, you're not that different from anyone else who is just starting with treatment. They have seen all the tricks before, the skipping meds, everything. You are just one of their current patients. They hope you'll comply with treatment but they almost don't believe you will, and they're ok with that - at least, it's not like one of us, where we've been reading your posts since you first joined pc, and we are emotionally invested in you.

i dont know i just put down what my psych said why are you asking about all this?

what do you mean by this post?

You were talking about things your care team weren't aware of, and I'm just saying they already know. And that it isn't as big of a deal to them if you go off your treatment as it is to us, because we've been supporting you through terrible suffering, with our empathy and sympathy, and it might matter more to one of us who care about you if you go off your treatment, than it might matter to the professionals on your care team.

You do matter to them, but they are trained to not get too close to their patients. On pc, you're in contact with a whole lot of people with open hearts. It isn't as easy for us to have to stand by, powerless, as you go off and on your meds and treatment.

I am sorry eden, I sent you a private message.
bizi