eden1515

I'm glad you are journaling. I hope and pray you will keep taking your meds once you're out and back home. Have they suggested that you take an intensive outpatient (iop) to help you continue to stabilize once you're out? I hope they are putting together your post inpatient treatment.

you will need much support to get well.
I wish for you good health.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I'm glad you're getting better and are about to get out. Please be honest with your new team.

Eden, are you going to take your meds when you get out? If you ask me I don't think you're ready since you're still seeing things. If you don't comply with your pdocs you'll just end up back in there so please just try and have some trust here. I wish you the best.

we will continue supporting you all the way.

((((((hugs))))))

oh wow a lot of replies! um the hospital has set up a community team to keep seeing me and i am seeing my case worker in 2 days so she can check in on me she said i have to be honest about taking my meds i told her it was something i have a lot of trouble with i am trying to keep taking it but i dont know if i can or not i am also seeing my psychiatrist on the same day i really dont know what to do i am starting to feel sad again i feel like i am about to start crying and everything hurts i want to scream and i am really tired ugh why is everything so hard.

I am sorry every thing is so hard. once you are more stable it will get easier.
Just keep taking your meds.
sorry that you are hurting.
bizi
hugs

i just dont feel like things will get better and the meds have made me sadder i should have just done what i was going to quietly i just i dont feel good and i have ruined everything.

The meds haven't started working yet, to me. It took around 2 months for my med change from my inpatient in April to start kicking in.

To me it feels like just waking up after a long sleep, with everything getting clearer. *7 weeks isn't long enough for the meds to start kicking in.

*for some of us. It sounds like nothing at all changed for you after 7 weeks. Have you been skipping meds?

Sounds like you've crashed into depression.

I have not skipped any meds for at least 4 weeks other than that I only ever skipped 3

Well I do feel depressed

When I read how happy you were without the influence of the meds, it breaks my heart to tell you that you must take the meds. But yes, you need to take them in order to make the depression less powerful. I agree with @miguelsmom that it looks like you were just hit by the depression.

I have to think about your future, because at some point you'll need to take care of yourself/be responsible for yourself. I wish you can save your feeling of being magical and let that be one of the better feelings you can have, but not in place of reality.

You have been so brave. You have started down the path of reality, even knowing that the meds would probably curb those wonderful feelings you have when you're more manic. That takes a ton of courage. I am so proud of you, Eden. You have been doing awesome.

Tell your care team that the depression has started getting bad. Maybe there's something they can use to help with that.

Your courage just makes me so proud of you.

i really dont know i mean i guess i will tell them but i dont know what they can even do i just want to stay in bed forever i feel like crying and everything hurts so much i cant tke this i only just got out of the hospital i dont want to end up back there i really dont but i am scared if i tell the caseworker how i am really feeling then i will. i am to tired i just want to sleep.

I hope you get some sleep tonight eden.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

So sorry that you are so down. Depression commonly follows mania. I doubt they will put you back in hospital unless you become unsafe. Please be honest with your treatment team as there may be something they can do to help the depression ease. Right now do all you can to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. You will get through this and find your feet again. As someone else said, you are very brave. Stay strong.

thank you

i feel horrible everything hurts so much and i keep getting scared that all the bad spirits are going to come and hurt me i am scared i got stuck like peter and then the angels wont be able to help especially after what i did to them i have really screwed up i feel like crying i have ruined everything for everyone it hurts i just i cant do this anymore i am trying to keep busy but i dont feel good and i am trying so hard
i just cant make it stop.

hey eden, were you able to get some sleep?

what are the doctors telling you today.

if you want to get out, you need to convince them you're not seeing angels, and you need to convince them that you don't think you're going to be punnished by the angels

you're not going to be punnished. the angels. they have more important stuff to do

i am already out of the hospital i got discharged like 2 days ago i am supposed to see my normal doctor in like 2 days and my case worker the same day so i dont know what they will say.

It will be fine, all you have to do is wait for your meds to kick in, which will hopefully be soon. It took 3 months for Abilify to kick in for me, and at least 3 months for invega to kick in, this time around. I still get some weird symptoms at times. I'm not sure what to think about those.

You have a lot of friends here, so post as much as you want to.

I don't know if I can keep taking them that long ugh I want to scream.

I felt like that a lot when I lived in Chicago this last time (2004 - 2009). I spent a lot of that time screaming. My voice was constantly broken, and I was incredibly unhappy. I guess the best thing about having left there is that even when I feel like screaming these days, I rarely do. I've had much better luck living on the east coast. The west coast might have been even better though. But that seems so far away. (In the east and west of the USA.)

I hate to say it, but I will anyway. Please keep taking your meds. It will get better. When you're older, you can take trips to see if you feel better in Sydney or in Melbourne, if they are far away from you now. One day you might move for more happiness and better luck. :hug

sadly i dont think moving will offer me anything except a debt i cant pay.

Is Ability still the only med you're on at the moment? If so, I would ask the doc about adding an antidepressant of some sort. Not an SSRI, but something else that has those properties. Best of luck.

yes it is the only med i dont know if i could handle taking another one.