[emgreen]

Yet another night when I was able to get 3 hours of sleep & woke up wide awake. Sleep isn't going to return again today. It's been this way for over a month now (3-5 hours a night) & I fear backing into another episode. PDOC can't prescribe any more klonopin or temazepam because these are two benzos & I'm pretty well maxed out on both; I'm not complaining, however, as the meds I'm on should do the job. The meds are an "outside job," the lack of rest is an "inside job." I've got all the psych help I can get, & I should be able to clean up my own "attic." Seroquel has done the job in the past, but two APs is is a no-go, as well.

Well, that's about enough complaining.

still shocked at how fast the week from christmas day to new year's day as gone

I hate today (probably more than I hate christmas)

it's the guilt trip to end all guilt trips- how bad 2016's been, how worthless and pointless 2016's been, how depressing 2016's been, you get the idea.. new year's eve for me is 1 of those days where I just don't understand why everyone celebrates something which, actually, means **** all to most people in the long run.

I mean it's the start of 2017. people are going to have the same old jobs, same old lives, same old thoughts/ worries/ rooteen, what's special about it?

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Brain still won't shut up. The invasive thoughts also triggered a negative rush about another issue on which I was *finally* starting to make a very slight amount of precarious progress. Back to square one.

Tactile hallucinations continue.

Having waves of feeling like I'm "screaming into the void" and like I'm about to cry, but don't. Can't. I don't know. This is exhausting.

Trying to distract. Trying to counter the thoughts. Neither tactic really working.

hate the tactile hallucinations may things get better quickly

[gina_re]

Staying pretty low key at home and cleaning around the house....

[Moose72]

Just hung out with family. It's only 945 but I'm in bed. Posted in my blog. Met my eldest's girlfriend finally. She's petite. Found some pregnant pictures of me. Going to hang out part of tomorrow with a friend. Wish I had my weighted blanket. No Ativan. I need it!

[Nammu]

Just chill' nat home with mum. Watching Legally Blonde and waiting for the countdown. No celebration just watching the dusk of 2016 turn into the dawn of 2017

[LadyShadow]

Was a weird day today. Spent most of the day in bed, no because I am depressed, but just strangely VERY dizzy. I over exerted myself yesterday in Manhattan and did a lot of walking and moving around with 1 hour of sleep the night before. I took my meds last night and fell asleep but woke up extremely dizzy. Thinking I overdosed on the Klonopin by mistake. It almost feels like Vertigo when I stand up. Craziness! I hope it goes away.

[VerMOZZica]

Just a low key day at home today.It was an okay day.Except my Mom is suffering from anxiety and insomnia and I wish there was more that I could do to help her.I just hate seeing my Mom like that.

[Misssy2]

Originally Posted by LadyShadow

Was a weird day today. Spent most of the day in bed, no because I am depressed, but just strangely VERY dizzy. I over exerted myself yesterday in Manhattan and did a lot of walking and moving around with 1 hour of sleep the night before. I took my meds last night and fell asleep but woke up extremely dizzy. Thinking I overdosed on the Klonopin by mistake. It almost feels like Vertigo when I stand up. Craziness! I hope it goes away.

I think it is a type of flu because I had the same thing happen to me yesterday and I slept more than usual.

I was up before the crack of dawn today...feeling a little better but the slight feeling of dizzy and a mild headache, weak legs and arms of what I had yesterday is still there.

new year's eve was difficult.

lots of fireworks which naturally trigger me (and it was made worse by all the guilt I have over this time of year, how the last year's been so bad etc)

I didn't bother staying up to see the new year in, to be honest I don't see the point

such a fuss over nothing

Having bad anxiety about my upcoming business trip to Europe, which comes in less than 3 weeks. Freaking out about getting lost again... not knowing which train to take or where I'm physically supposed to be. I'm worried I'm going to miss my plane, too.

Even worse, I have to give two 50-minute presentations while I'm there, and I'm NOT looking forward to them. Maaaajor anxiety there.

My asshole boss said, "I think you should give a talk. You're a natural!" No I'm not!!! You've never seen me give a presentation!!!

[xRavenx]

I feel all over the place. When will this end? I think I'm rapidly cycling, maybe in a little bit of a mixed episode. I randomly joined a dating site, and I'm already making a lot of screwed up moves. I'm extremely impulsive and give into temptation....but that's only the tip of the iceberg.

What goes way beyond that though is that for the past few weeks, I've been completely unstable. I don't think I'm getting any better.

I'm crying as I write this, but switch up easily. My thoughts are all over the place. I'm impulsive and racy/anxious. .....If I get any worse, I'm afraid of meeting criteria for IP. These meds are barely helping....maybe that extra dose of Klonopin, but it just masks things. I know there's no magical pill, but I don't feel right at all, and I keep waiting for that day where I'll feel different.

I guess I just feel in major need of some help and support. Can't stop crying. Nothing is alleviating the pain anymore. Thanks for letting me vent and ramble. Any advice is welcome.

[Unrigged64072835]

Another quiet day. Tried reading a book on Lightroom, but I know most of the stuff already so it's rather boring. Tomorrow is T, and I will probably discuss how uncomfortable I feel about this year, and what I can do to overcome some anxieties.

[Moose72]

Feeling anxious. No weighted blanket. No Ativan. I see Pdoc Wednesday. I'll call my case manager tomorrow. I see her Wednesday too. I do feel good that I just paid my bills and will get my blanket one of these days. I wonder if they are mailing it or UPSing it??

Sucky, sucky day. Earlier, I wished I had a punching bag, because man, I could've pummeled the hell out of it. Big time. So, so frustrated. My existence. To the point of breaking. Took off. No clear plan. Got to end of block and just stood there in middle of street (no outlet, so though it must've looked weird, no serious danger) trying to weigh the options.

Decided to walk towards grocery store. Plunked myself down on landscape ledge, in parking lot, tucked from view, pulled out the notebook no one would want to read (outside of as a case study anyway) and just let rip stream of conciousness style. It was to decide if I could push through, I could keep from going in. (Before even getting there I'd already been strongly compelled to throw myself on front of traffic, so it was already a questionable start decision making from the get-go.) Then got really cold.

Ended up wandering store throwing random things in. Nothing beyond microwave as maximum prep requirements. And comfort foods. Schlepped home. Heavily sedated self while putting away, then stuffed some crap food in face.

Sedation hitting hard now. Going to bed (7 pm, ridiculous). F this day. FML.

See how tomorrow goes. Going into urgent care not off table yet, but knocked out will at least postpone it.

(Sorry so long and badly written. Mind's disorganised.)

now the holidays are over, I certainly feel a lot more alive (christmas and new year sucked!)

fine, fine. so I started 2017 much the same.. no sleep, no motivation and alone, but their's deffenetly a feeling of relief in the air that i've actually made it to second january now

[Coconutzo]

I am doing A ok. Driving myself less mad than last week. Now I just feel silly and happy. I feel hilarious and adorable. I'm slimming down with lots of cardio and careful eating. Ok go

[Icare dixit]

Yet-another-surrogate-family-cares-less-than-I-foolishly-expected-or-hoped-for, borderline desperation. Short-lived. More in perspective. I hope it doesn't resurface.

But it does mean I have to find some other people and foolishy trust them to care more than they do. Lather, rinse, repeat.

[hopeless2015]

Last day off work...been off since the 23rd. Haven't got as much done as I wanted but that's ok. Back to reality and routine tomorrow. I'm feeling ok

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Sucky, sucky day. Earlier, I wished I had a punching bag, because man, I could've pummeled the hell out of it. Big time. So, so frustrated. My existence. To the point of breaking. Took off. No clear plan. Got to end of block and just stood there in middle of street (no outlet, so though it must've looked weird, no serious danger) trying to weigh the options.

Decided to walk towards grocery store. Plunked myself down on landscape ledge, in parking lot, tucked from view, pulled out the notebook no one would want to read (outside of as a case study anyway) and just let rip stream of conciousness style. It was to decide if I could push through, I could keep from going in. (Before even getting there I'd already been strongly compelled to throw myself on front of traffic, so it was already a questionable start decision making from the get-go.) Then got really cold.

Ended up wandering store throwing random things in. Nothing beyond microwave as maximum prep requirements. And comfort foods. Schlepped home. Heavily sedated self while putting away, then stuffed some crap food in face.

Sedation hitting hard now. Going to bed (7 pm, ridiculous). F this day. FML.

See how tomorrow goes. Going into urgent care not off table yet, but knocked out will at least postpone it.

(Sorry so long and badly written. Mind's disorganised.)

Feeling any better?

Sedation (as prescribed) is better than taking risks (however small they may seem; one surge of desperation can be fatal if you take such risks).

Just wait till the (lack of) feeling is gone. You can waste a few days or some more hours sleeping. Weeks even. Months. There's always hope.

[Unrigged64072835]

Took down outside decorations while the weather is still good. Reorganized some of my office. Put away the small Christmas tree. Now it feels empty. And I feel empty. Tried to discuss this in T and got stuck on words. There's still a part of me that wants to be productive and making money without disability, and another part that feels sad and hopeless.

[Icare dixit]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Took down outside decorations while the weather is still good. Reorganized some of my office. Put away the small Christmas tree. Now it feels empty. And I feel empty. Tried to discuss this in T and got stuck on words. There's still a part of me that wants to be productive and making money without disability, and another part that feels sad and hopeless.

You can be productive and make money with disability. It's just that you'll be the judge of what counts as a valuable product. The more productive you are, the less inflation there will be and the more money you'll receive (in real terms). It's just you who decides whether it's worth it.

Doing good is good for the economy. Probably a bit less directly, but maybe more effectively. It depends on what you decide to do.

Effort should pay (and for us it does).

[Nammu]

Day two of sticking to the resolution

[xRavenx]

I had therapy today. The session went well, although it does not change the way I've been feeling. I am thankful to have her support though. She offered to have a phone session with me in two days from now. I was recommended to get back into tracking my mood/journaling.

I go back to work tomorrow, and I'm scared. I thought I'd be feeling better after a break from work, but I'm doing worse. I am trying to keep hope that maybe it will be a distraction from how I've been feeling, but I have doubts in my ability to be attentive and follow through on tasks. Still crying daily. I do meet with my pdoc next Monday though and going to use my supports.

[LadyShadow]

Today feels crappy, I feel crappy. Probably that drink I had earlier. Alcohol always bring me down yet I keep drinking, I feel like such a failure.