[Naynay99]

Hey. This is just me ranting a bit. I am tired of being alone.
I was reading a bunch of threads on here and a few other boards,
And I can't help but envy all of you people whoave someone in your life- husband, wife, bf, gf, etc. You are very lucky to have somebody supportive who is on your side to help carry the weight of the world when it gets too heavy.

I just want somebody on my side who I love and loves me back. That's not asking all that much. But I am starting to wonder if maybe that is just not in the cards for me. Maybe this is all I get.

I see my coworker with their spouses and families and here I am, alone with only cats as roommates. I am ****ing pathetic. The only person i ever managed to have a long term relationship with who may have actually loved me happened to love cocaine a whole lot more. Perhaps that relationship has ****ed me up too much to be able to be in a normal relationship. Want to have a total mind ****- fall in love with an addict and watch your life turn to ****. I know, it's my own fault for not walking away sooner. But it didn't really help my already crappy self worth. Ugh.

I feel like people just take for granted that they have this other person. Everybody marches two by two up the steps into the ark. And then there is me- and a sad table for one.

Anyway, I am sounding like a sad and lonely pathetic loser here. Because that is how i sometimes feel. I have a few good friends but sometimes I don't feel like there is a single person in the entire world who even really knows who I am. And only a few people who even give a **** about me. I know that's not true, but it sure feels real.

Just me, feeling all alone and broken. I will stop entertaining these miserable thoughts now. Shut up shut up shut up brain. Shut the **** up. I just want to change the channel on this ****** radio station that keeps replaying the same bad song in my head.
Sorry.

[Artchic528]

I get ya. Believe me, I do. I'm lonely as hell too. I see all these threads about folks with significant others and I just get so sad. I want someone to love.

[Sad Mermaid]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

I have a few good friends but sometimes I don't feel like there is a single person in the entire world who even really knows who I am.

Your situation is very, very sad and you are understandably lonely, but look - you have a few good friends, and not everybody is that fortunate. invest in your relationships with those good friends - write or Skype often. You will see that they care and that would increase your sense of self worth, which will make your finding a partner that more likely. You will attract people if you radiate self-confidence. Now your moodiness scares people away. You need a lot of self-work before you become ready to have that someone special in your life.

[Naynay99]

Artchic- I'm sorry u can relate. Being alone sucks.
Sadmernaid- thanks for your perspective on this.

I agree that I still have work to do on myself but I don't think that should mean i deserve to be alone until I am "fixed". I have the utmost respect for ppl on this board- some of the strongest people I know. But most of them have a lot of work to do on themselves too, yet they are not alone. Perhaps my mistake was not waiting to go crazy until after I got married? Sorry if that sounds bad, but really.

I feel like my only mistake was in picking the wrong person. So I wasted the last 8 years on and off trying to make something work with somebody I loved who didn't have the capacity to beat his own demons. I was the one holding the slack, extra rope wrapped around my ****ing throat. I was the strong one. I am not looking for someone to save me,
I don't expect a relationship to fix the depression, I just want to not be so alone.

And the idea of dating with a MI- I read a poll that like 70% of people said that finding out the person they were going to date was taking an AD would be a deal breaker. I think it is pretty brutal out there. Gonna try not to be so negative. I'm just frustrated.

Yes I have good friends. I try to keep in touch with them and keep those relationships strong. I think I do a decent job of it. But these people are the most important people in my world, and to them, I am on the periphery of their world. I'm not complainIng, their spouses and kids should be the center of their world. But it just makes for an uneven feeling relationship. And I have to make sure not to depend on any one of them too much or appear too needy or monopolize their time. I don't fault anyone for this. It's how life works. But for the lonely people, we just come off feeling pathetic.

Anyway, this is just an angry rant because I sometimes feel like screaming. Sorry if I am annoying. Have a nice weekend all.

[mossanimal]

I'm lucky to have a wife that puts up with me. I think she appreciates SOME of the bipolar attributes. I know that she loves when I get obsessed with crazy projects with the kids. I know that my fixation on the disorder stresses her out.. so I don't speak about it much. But.. I dump it on my few friends too much and drive them away when I'm depressed. Luckily that seems cyclical and they accept me back. But overall.. I'm pretty lonely. The friends I can relate with don't live close to me.. and locally I'm too eccentric and intense to have real friends. I hate that.. I can feel people pulling away from me whenever I meet acquaintances in the community. I'm just too intense and too enthusiastic about things. I miss college where it seemed like my group was all either bipolar or ADHD. We were all crazy and it was awesome.

[bioChE]

You're not annoying at all, this is a place to come and barf out your feelings and be honest about them.

I know of one other member on this board who was terribly lonely, and who has found the beginning of an exciting relationship. Who knows where it will lead, but at least it has a chance to blossom into something significant...and it's cured the loneliness, at least for now.

I am one of the ones who has a spouse to share things with, and it does make things easier to be able to lean on her "normal", solid emotional self. That being said, it can be beaten alone, and once you have victory in taming your emotions then you have the ability and capacity to bring someone else into your life. You have the ability to love and be loved.

Are you putting yourself into situations where you can meet someone else with common interests? Someone who shares the same values as you? If you're involved in community things such as clubs, classes, and social events, then it's more likely you'll meet someone else. On the other hand, if you're sitting home alone with your cats, it's almost guaranteed you won't meet someone else. There are lots of fish in the sea, and they're not all cocaine-snorting bozos.

Best of luck both in your effort to tame your emotional/mood turmoil, and in your quest to find true love. It sounds cheesy, but that seems to be what you're looking for. I tip my hat to your efforts even to post about it on this board. It's a big step to make yourself emotionally vulnerable and share with us.

[Shamrockkid88]

I know the feelings your going through and it will pass trust me! I was single for seven years after I was messing around with pills and went off to rehab and got on lithium the first time before my BP II diagnosis. I honestly truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. See with my BP I always felt I had "the one" but that wasn't my actually healthy self. But now that I've been down that road so many times I need to make a pit stop take some time for me get these mess working my moods under control then step back into it. You will find someone! If I could only show you my journal entries of almost seven years it was so depressive never finding someone etc then I thought I did I throw this obsession on it and then crash and burn. I know exactly what your going through and there is someone out there for you trust me!

[Shamrockkid88]

Originally Posted by mossanimal

I'm lucky to have a wife that puts up with me. I think she appreciates SOME of the bipolar attributes. I know that she loves when I get obsessed with crazy projects with the kids. I know that my fixation on the disorder stresses her out.. so I don't speak about it much. But.. I dump it on my few friends too much and drive them away when I'm depressed. Luckily that seems cyclical and they accept me back. But overall.. I'm pretty lonely. The friends I can relate with don't live close to me.. and locally I'm too eccentric and intense to have real friends. I hate that.. I can feel people pulling away from me whenever I meet acquaintances in the community. I'm just too intense and too enthusiastic about things. I miss college where it seemed like my group was all either bipolar or ADHD. We were all crazy and it was awesome.

I can relate I'm not married but the eccentric and intensity I can relate to my doc calls it horsepower and I couldn't think of a better way to put it

[mossanimal]

Originally Posted by Shamrockkid88

I can relate I'm not married but the eccentric and intensity I can relate to my doc calls it horsepower and I couldn't think of a better way to put it

My doc said something like 'Most people are mere mortals'.. according to me. Kind of harsh... But it's true that I can't handle people who don't love everything and have grandiose ideas when I'm hypomanic. 'What? This isn't amazing? What is the matter with you dullard?'

[Shamrockkid88]

That's true I turn into the life of the party when I'm up and I have an addictive personality and when people aren't feeling what I'm feeling I get frustrated the same way like how are you not having a good time? Meanwhile some of them are probably like how the hell is he enjoying this? I tend to be louder singing songs and just running around like crazy joking flirting the whole nine

[mossanimal]

Originally Posted by Shamrockkid88

That's true I turn into the life of the party when I'm up and I have an addictive personality and when people aren't feeling what I'm feeling I get frustrated the same way like how are you not having a good time? Meanwhile some of them are probably like how the hell is he enjoying this? I tend to be louder singing songs and just running around like crazy joking flirting the whole nine

My problem could be that I THINK I'm the life of the party. That may have been true in college.. but now people flee.

[Shamrockkid88]

It depends with me people who I've know a long time who have put up with my moods stay. It's the ones who don't know because I don't tell everyone I have BP II they don't understand and would probably run off after hearing that run off after they see the mood swings but I still have my core group of friends and family

Originally Posted by Naynay99

I feel like my only mistake was in picking the wrong person. So I wasted the last 8 years on and off trying to make something work with somebody I loved who didn't have the capacity to beat his own demons. I was the one holding the slack, extra rope wrapped around my ****ing throat. I was the strong one. I am not looking for someone to save me,
I don't expect a relationship to fix the depression, I just want to not be so alone.

Oh sweetie... Feel you. THAT is a VERY lonely feeling. The good news is you came out if it with the (powerful) knowledge of what the signs are.

I have a BF (who is sick all the time, so hear you on having to be "the strong one" -- it gets old), but no friends. It's good to remember when those feelings hit that things are not always as they appear with others. Loneliness isn't nearly so much about people as connection. One can be lonely in a crowd. Or even with an SO (and you know that from your above experience I'm sure!)

Do you get out there at all? I don't even really mean seeking an SO, just out there amongst people. I'll just throw the thought out there and leave it since you didn't ask/were just venting.

There are a lot of people here who really understand. You are not alone.

Naynay, are you fairly young? I'm 50 and alone and i enjoy it. I love the independence and freedom and spontaneity. But when i was in my 30s i tried vigorously to find another partner after my divorce. In my 40s it got a little easier until now where i treasure my solitude. I have a sweet, little dog for company and i adore her and she is all i need!

[Naynay99]

I miss college where it seemed like my group was all either bipolar or ADHD. We were all crazy and it was awesome.
Yeah- I feel like in college being a little crazy was actually an advantage. Staying up all night studying, taking up drinking as if we were minoring in it... Always people around to do stuff with. I miss that.

My best friend loves when I get all obsessed about some crazy project or scheme. Actually I think most ppl including myself seem to prefer me when my mood is a bit elevated. But I am still not always exactly sure what is me and what is disorder.

There are lots of fish in the sea, and they're not all cocaine-snorting bozos
Thanks for this. Made me smile.

Anyway, thanks all for sharing your stories. I suppose I never really thought that other ppl who do have a s/o still can feel lonely. I am lucky for my friends and coworkers. I just sometimes feel like I have completely failed at all of those life milestones one is supposed to get to experience.

I do go out, I don't spend all my time holed up in my house w my cats! But I could be doing more. Sometimes I feel like just working everyday and keeping up with chores is all I have energy for. But I know I need to make the social stuff a priority. Its not easy. But I am trying. Sometimes it's too hard.

Anyway, this is me. Lonely and a little messed up but still holding on a tiny bit of hope that maybe there is somebody out there for me, when I am not busy thinking that I will end up dying alone and my cats will have to eat my face off to survive until people notice. Ok so that was sort of just kidding. Take care

[Naynay99]

I am 40. so no not that young. Perhaps I sound younger than I am bc I am still rather clueless about life...

[Unrigged64072835]

I'm married but I was single for a long time before that. You won't know what's going to happen but you'll never know until you put yourself out there. Either that or call a psychic, like I did.

[bioChE]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

I am 40. so no not that young. Perhaps I sound younger than I am bc I am still rather clueless about life...

Don't worry, we're all clueless about life.

I have no RL friends.

I'm a recent college grad and all my friends scattered across the country to pursue whatever dreams they had. Startups, PhDs, med school, law school, research, you name it. Then I never bothered to make new friends.

At first I felt all sad and lonely, but then I realized I was investing too much of my happiness into other people. I was too dependent on them. I mean, why should my happiness be determined by what other people do or don't do, or by their presence? And why should my happiness be determined by relationship status? I should be able to be happy on my own!

Of course I want to make new friends and get into a relationship, but I'm totally content flying solo for now. And really, I've got tons of great friends online who are there for me when I need them. Some people may think "hahaha, what a loser!", but I don't care. At least I have the support that I need. That's all I care about.