[gina_re]

Super tired at work today. Which means junk food will be consumed.

[xRavenx]

I got back from my pdoc appointment. Luckily, she agreed to lower the dose of Seroquel a little bit for now, but if things get worse (which let's face it...my BP symptoms fluctuate a lot), then we will divide doses to equal 600 mg per day so I'm not taking it all at once. Since I'm already on enough pills that tranquilize me already, hopefully I'll feel a little more awake and alive with this dosage change.

[Naynay99]

Well i just got an email from pdoc secretary. I have an appt set for Wednesday.
So I guess that is good?? Idk what he can really do but at least I feel like I am doing something.
I am currently still feeling somewhat paralyzed from doing much of anything.
I feel like all I do is waste time worrying about all the sTuff I am not getting accomplished. Ugh. Maybe I will take a bath at least. I am gross. Hideous! Look away. Lol
Ah well. My cats were happy that I stayed home from work today anyhow. At least someone gives a **** even if they happen to have 4 legs and a lot of fur.

[Unrigged64072835]

Back home after being at the hospital all day for my husband's surgery. I ate too much junk and didn't drink enough water. Mostly a lot of waiting. Made it there and back so that's okay.

Hope my brain doesn't explode from all the stress. It does that sometimes.

[Wander]

Ugh! Feeling awful, just awful. Thought the mixed state was passing but now the agitation is almost unbearable. Can't sit still and my thoughts just race and race. So uncomfortable and my mood is dark. Well, I see my pdoc in a few hours. Hopefully he can help me out of this mess. Will report back.

[Naynay99]

well i finally got out of bed! only to move to the couch, but i am looking for small improvements today. Actually i made dinner, with the few clean dishes left!
yeah, i need to do the dishes among every other chore in the world.

on a positive note- i have a load of laundry in the washing machine! progress!
(only 7 more loads to go. lol)
yeah it doesnt sound like much. and i still havent gotten in the shower.
but i am trying to not be too hard on myself.
i have to go to work tomorrow, which is making it a bit hard to breathe whenever i think about it.. ****. i need to suck it up and somehow just keep showing up.
i am watching "extrreme weight loss" on tv, as i eat a bowl of mac and cheese!

i see my pdoc on wednesday, which is giving me some sense of relief. idk.
for about a second i considered calling my mom, but its not fair to call and tell her i am doing bad when she lives so far away so cant really do anything about it, anyway.

lets hope i am slowly crawling out of this hole.
wishing you all a kick *** night.

I had an excellent day yesterday. Went and got new clothes. I'm down a size! Woohoo! It was like spring out. So nice.

Didn't sleep well last night so took a nap today. Feeling a little down. Was cloudy and cold out again. Sucks! I'm so sick of winter!

Hugs to all you who are struggling.

[Faltering]

I've been experiencing something strange that is hard to explain. I will suddenly get a scary thought in my head, such as that an intruder is going to pop out. I become very fearful and believe it is happening. It's so real to me that for a second I can see it in front of my eyes. Then it's gone just as abruptly as it came.

My paranoia is worse than ever. I feel like strangers I talk to on the internet are people I know irl. I can't go out in public or to work without thinking people are saying bad things about me or planning harm. I've also been having racing thoughts, little sleep, anxiety, and depression. I feel like I'm in the same mixed episode I've had since October.

[Naynay99]

Hmm I just noticed the google doodle and that today is the vernal equinox- the first day of spring! That gives me some hope.

And apparently if I had left the house today, Dairy Queen was giving away free ice cream cones today!!

Grr. I can't believe I missed free ice cream. (I must not be totally gone yet if the idea of a free $1 cone still gets me excited!). Ah well. Next year.
Geez- first I missed shamrock shakes and now this! Did anyone get a free cone today?

[Wander]

Saw my pdoc. He is putting me on Sodium Valproate, 400mg a day. This is supposed to work well with Lithium to kill mixed episodes. He also said it would be short term until I stabilise which made me happy as I hate being on so many meds. Also struggling to come off Ritalin and Clonazepam so doing it very slowly. As I am agitated, irritable, inpatient and my moods are all over the place he suggested IP but I declined as I want to try to manage at home. Too much to do. But if things worsen I can call and go IP at any time. It is good that I have a back-up plan.

Feeling rough today. I have a short fuse and was swearing at a driver who pulled up behind me while I was trying to reverse. I almost was going to beep my horn, or get out of the car but thankfully I still have some restraint. Now I am going to try and study and then, hopefully, go to a friends B'day party tonight. Just keeping my head above the water today. hopefully tomorrow things will be a bit better.

[Wander]

Update. I went to the party, had a few drinks then ran away as I knew I would get drunk if I stayed. Met a guy I felt attracted to and ran from him too. I was scared. Now I wish I had of stayed, gotten drunk and spent more time with this guy. Trying to do the right thing but it sucks. Feeling amped from the party but home alone. Stupid me. Think I missed a good opportunity. Might have to go back to the pub later this week to try and find him. Kind of wild right now. My mind is a mess. It is 8.20pm. Probably should just take my meds and go to sleep. But I'm fed up with the meds, and the need for a sleep routine. Want to just live my life like a normal person. He probably would run when he found about my bipolar. ****ing illness. Get me off this boat.

[hopeless2015]

First day back at work since pneumonia kicked in last Thursday. I'm very tired and just made appointment with my regular Dr. For Thurs. It still hurts when I breathe and cough is still bad at night. I just finished up meds today and am thinking it may take another round to kick this. Anyway, I'm at work but taking it easy. Seriously I'm like weak in the legs tired. I know this will pass but seems to be taking a while

yesterday, I discovered that someone had hacked in to my amazon account (these things happen!)

I was annoyed at first, because the payment method and address had been removed, but I said i'd do it today, so not really an issue anymore (and I will do it!)

Had an AWESOME therapy session today.

I typed up a longish letter to my therapist to give her more background information about me. Then I printed it out and handed it to her! (I've only seen her for about 4 or 5 sessions, so she never knew much about me.)

In the letter, I detailed about my horrific childhood and adolescent years. She basically said my parents were assholes for neglecting me and my mental illnesses. She told me she was sorry my parents did this to me. She said it's not right for a parent to ignore any kind of emotional dysregulation in their child, especially since my emotional dysregulation was extreme.

But anyway, I was soooo nervous handing her this letter! I felt awkward! I didn't know what she was going to think! But everything ended up okay.

[Unrigged64072835]

Cool, Blue! Good for you!

Woke up with lower back pain, sometimes shooting down my leg. I probably need to go to the hospital, but with my husband recovering from his surgery I would have no support. Friends are too busy. I may put a heating pad on it if I don't overheat. Naproxen doesn't help.

At least I have ordered my CPAP supplies now that the Medicare requirements were filled.

Anxious and grumpy. Not a good combination. Took a nap this afternoon because I didn't sleep well last night.

[Naynay99]

Left work late, trying to catch up on some work.
Avoiding going home bc I think I will end up in bed.
Gonna go to a support group later. Maybe get a salad at Panera. A ripoff Starbucks $4 coffee. I am supposed to be not be blowing $ but I need me some caffeine.
Maybe Feeling a little bit better? I think seeing my coskrker friend helps some.

[Moose72]

Glad it went well blue!

[Naynay99]

Currently sitting in the sun outside drinking my coffee. . It is like spring out today. . Getting some needed sunshine.
Tomorrow it will be 20 F again. Ugh.

[scatterbrained04]

Feeling put through the wringer at work. Too much going on. My boss believes in doing nothing for awhile then initiating 1000 things all at once. I feel pulled in multiple directions by all our clinicians. We are getting busier. We have 3 new hires to train. Getting concerned that all the stress is going to send me into an episode.

Checking in because they still let me. Still doped-up and highly reluctant to function. Attended the area DBSA meeting for the first time. I'd love to tell y'all all about it, but it's a secret.

[Moose72]

Lefty you're an enigma.

Went to see my Primary care physician to discuss my ongoing health issues and get his assistance in having some tests ran, and helping me find a mental health worker whose actually competent. I've decided to go to arbitration with my provider and fight the abuses I suffered at their hands in their ER facility as well as the abuse I received from my PDOC and at their impatient facilities.

Family stress is crazy. Had to send my son to live with his father (a man who abused me in every way possible) so this is beyond difficult. Dealing with him has been a nightmare but when I mentioned I worried our son has BIPOLAR, he said "Kaiser's tried to diagnose me with that 6 times" and chuckled it off. I'm beginning to think I have bipolar by proximity.

Making progress but feel like it could all go south any second. I have plans which could really help me, and in turn my whole family. Feeling hopeful but scared. Need to learn meditation.

[Moose72]

They "tried to diagnose" him with no six times but he doesn't have it. That must be so frustrating.

[Daonnachd]

Elsa, if you are serious about the meditation, there are lots of examples of guided meditation on youtube. All different sorts. I hope the plans you're making work out.

As for me, nothing exciting, another day of ECT.

[Moose72]

Vertigo is that hard on your memory?