[Faltering]

It's getting bad again. It's hard to describe, but something in my mind is amiss. I'm angry and anxious. I'm losing control of my actions. I hate feeling this way, but I still don't believe I need the meds. I want it all to go away, but then I think maybe I'm just meant to suffer.

[Naynay99]

Well I came home from work and took a long nap. Texted back a friend I have known since elementary school. Was nice to catch up but I feel like I was trying to say what was going on w me without saying what was going on so I was kind of rambling. Ah well.

Anyway I am sitting here with a cat on my chair back and another cat on my lap. At least they still seem to like me. My ex bf has been texting me and calling me and I have stopped acting like things r ok. Maybe I'm being too honest- I told him i answered the phone but didn't feel like talking. I don't think he likes when I get like this. And then I think who the **** cares. Why am i pretending to be ok?! Out of evryvody he should get it but he doesn't bc he is a selfish prick which is why we r not a couple.

Anyway I was considering having a liquid dinner. It is st Patrick's day afterall. But drinking alone is just too sad. I just want my brain to shut the **** up and stop torturing me already. Ah well.

Originally Posted by Naynay99

Well I came home from work and took a long nap. Texted back a friend I have known since elementary school. Was nice to catch up but I feel like I was trying to say what was going on w me without saying what was going on so I was kind of rambling. Ah well.

Anyway I am sitting here with a cat on my chair back and another cat on my lap. At least they still seem to like me. My ex bf has been texting me and calling me and I have stopped acting like things r ok. Maybe I'm being too honest- I told him i answered the phone but didn't feel like talking. I don't think he likes when I get like this. And then I think who the **** cares. Why am i pretending to be ok?! Out of evryvody he should get it but he doesn't bc he is a selfish prick which is why we r not a couple.

Anyway I was considering having a liquid dinner. It is st Patrick's day afterall. But drinking alone is just too sad. I just want my brain to shut the **** up and stop torturing me already. Ah well.

I had an ex-bf who kept calling me and texting me like that. I hated it. And I had the whole "i don't feel like talking, so leave me alone" sort of thing. He never got the memo either.

But then mine took it to another level... WARNING: MAJOR CREEP FACTOR. He had added me on LinkedIn back before we were dating. And well, whenever you're on LinkedIn, you can see who views your profile. HE VIEWED IT 11 TIMES IN THE SPAN OF 3 DAYS. I counted it. And then he used LinkedIn to message me about getting back together after I blocked him on Facebook... uhhh.... WTF. Then I totally had to block him on every form of media, including my own phone and phone apps. Done. Boom!

I hope your ex-bf isn't a total creep like that. I don't like when ex's text/call me.

No word from any exes. Stayed hidden after the morning march.

Anyone interested in something like this: please let me be the first to know.

[RainyDay107]

I texted my new T post-session: "Thank you for a great session. I trust you."

Green light from here!

[Coffeee]

I've been waking up at nights in the middle. It sucks. Today I'm up at 4am. Yay just like normal people /sarcasm
So I'm talking to you fine folks because for some weird reason no one seems to be up haha.
I don't feel hypomanic but just tired all the time from the broken sleep. And I'm getting this nasty cold that's fine around and I've avoided it til now. It lays you out for a week. I can hardly wait. Going to be a fun ride. Blerggg

feeling terrible.

I am barely functioning.. really bad depression

I don't know what else to really say.

honestly not coping with stuff

[Moose72]

Took my youngest son (15) out to a study he signed up for. He got up for it, and we made it there on time. But we read the consent forms, and at the end of it, he signs his "No I do not consent" and signed it. Then I get up to use the bathroom and he follows me. One of the people coordinating the study came out to see where we'd gone. Don't they ever have people quit? I asked my son why he quit. He said it was 17 hours for $100 and that's $5/hour and that's not enough for him. Like $100 is a poke in the eye! It was a lot to do, actually. Lots of going in and waiting and blood pokes and taking samples at home and measurements and doing things exactly on time, etc. But I was disappointed with him for just quitting like that. Their criteria for who qualified to be in the study was pretty strict.

[scatterbrained04]

Having a bad afternoon. Completely overwhelmed by everything I have to do.

[pirilin]

I'm taking Wellbutrin and Adderall to lose weight to no avail.
With the night meds I lose all my willpower. And I eat twice what I didn't eat during the day.
It's my fault for buying junk food. And peanut butter. And jelly.

I'm so depressed.

But I have serious issues. I've been listening to that horrid "Barbie Girl" song from the 90s. THe one that goes: "i'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world, life in plastic, it's fantastic". Anyone else remember this???

(This one:

)

I think I was like 6 when it came out and it was my favorite song... I can't believe it came out 20 years ago!

I'll probably continue to listen to 90s music. The nostalgia will help me.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I'm so depressed.

But I have serious issues. I've been listening to that horrid "Barbie Girl" song from the 90s. THe one that goes: "i'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world, life in plastic, it's fantastic". Anyone else remember this???

(This one:

)

I think I was like 6 when it came out and it was my favorite song... I can't believe it came out 20 years ago!

I'll probably continue to listen to 90s music. The nostalgia will help me.

You're 26? Man do I feel old. I turn 45 on the 28th.

And yes, I remember that song.

[Unrigged64072835]

My daughter used to sing that song. We laughed about it.

Finished up my live Web site today. Had some issues but I worked around them. I need to add Twitter and Instagram.

Did two loads of laundry so my new clothes are clean. My "no-iron" shirts didn't live up to the hype, so I'll iron one before church.

Waiting for dinner. Husband is cooking tonight. Kids are going out to a show at the local university. Time to relax.

Mood has been okay, mostly because I was working on stuff. I didn't have down time to get anxious.

[Naynay99]

****.
I took a nap after work yesterday. Then was up late, ate dinner at like 11 pm. Went to bed around 1ish? And I woke up at 11 am, went to the bathroom and went back to sleep until 4:30 pm. Really??!!! Did I really just sleep for like 17 hours on a Saturday?! ****. I can't believe I wasted almost the entire day in bed.
I have to do some laundry. Ugh. I sort of wish I was still unconscious. Um yeah. I'm gonna say that this is not normal. Medication doesn't work. Nothing works when I am like this.
I feel like i a total **** up.
And it is once again snowing outside. I CANNOT DEAL. Jeez- I need a mood boost.

Of course I would never do this without speaking to my pdoc first (never!), but do u think maybe upping my lamictal would help?? I was on as high a dose as 200 mg 2x a day at one point and now only take 100 mg 2x a day. It's supposed to help w depression, right? Idk I'm just thinking out loud Here i suppose.

[gina_re]

Good day today. I didn't get my caffeine in, so I was tired for most of it. But positive vibes only.

[Naynay99]

I am sitting here frozen in my recliner chair watching bad tv reruns
I am a ****ing mess.

[Puella Non-Grata]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

I am sitting here frozen in my recliner chair watching bad tv reruns
I am a ****ing mess.

OMG That had been me not that long ago. Binge watching and feeling numb. Like the tv just fades i nthe background and you are just "not there" but there and feeling nothing.

Right now since I got bored with sitting on the coutch...I've migrated to my bed watching interesting documentaries. Still depressed but at least now can let my fantasies play out in my head for a short term "relief"

[RainyDay107]

2 days, zero sleep. I need sleep. Today.

[hopeless2015]

Been fighting this pneumonia since Thursday, starting to feel a little better today. I haven't had a cigarette and don't miss them either, they are the reason I'm sick in the first place..****ing things. I'm planning to go back to work tomorrow but honestly don't know if I can make a whole day. Anyway, still kicking over here, just sicker than a dog

[scatterbrained04]

Doing better today than yesterday. Have gotten a little cleaning done. Will do more in a bit, but I don't think I'll get it all done. Probably shouldn't push it. Right now I'm trying to motivate myself to grocery shop. I absolutely hate going anymore. What I'd give not to have to do 100% of parenting and running a household.

[Moose72]

Doing some cleaning. Just home from church. The street I usually take was blocked Thursday so we had to go around and take a LONG weird way home via phone GPS. Was NOT fun. Four or five traffic circles! But this morning, as I was preparing to use directions for the way home, I found that the road was OPEN! Wahoo! AND I got a good parking spot! WOOT! So I walked into choir rehearsal bopping along. But, the next few weekends there will be some runs downtown so I don't know exactly where that will close the streets. Plus, my youngest signed up to be in "The Music Man" so I have to take him there on Saturdays now.

Okay /Rant

[Gabyunbound]

I'm considering moving across country again, this time because my commute to work is too long and I'm just done with it (2.5 hrs each way) and to be closer to family. A good friend of mine here is encouraging me to do it, thinks I'll be a lot happier there. But I've been down for quite some time now, and I'd just bring that with me. My pdoc prescribed Vraylar, which I was hoping would help, but my insurance won't pay for it.

Last time I moved across country (to CA) I was hypo and it was relatively easy, I was extremely productive and focused for most of that time. Now I'm not, have a hard time focusing at all, and my anxiety is really bad, when last time it had melted away because I was hypo.

I applied for a job there in my field and so far there's some interest, I have a phone interview later this week. But I HATE being in limbo and that's how I feel. I'm not even sure if I want to do this. Because of all of this, aside from feeling down, my anxiety is SKY HIGH.

I hate feeling like this. I feel pushed and pulled in this direction and that. I'm planning on doing some meditation, which is new to me, to try to work on the anxiety. Right now, the only thing that really helps is an extra klonopin, but my pdoc only gives me 10 extra/month so I can't be taking them every day. In any case, I think it's better to find alternatives.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

I hate feeling like this. I feel pushed and pulled in this direction and that. I'm planning on doing some meditation, which is new to me, to try to work on the anxiety. Right now, the only thing that really helps is an extra klonopin, but my pdoc only gives me 10 extra/month so I can't be taking them every day. In any case, I think it's better to find alternatives.

Can your pdoc adjust your AP? My pdoc only does that because she won't prescribe benzos.

[Naynay99]

Well i made it through another night. I went to bed around 2 am and woke up around noon. It's probably not a good thing that my time asleep feels better than my time awake. But i dreamed that it rained and washed away all of the snow, and that i met with a new pdoc who i actually liked. good dreams.

i think i might call out of work tomorrow. We have a workshop day so its not like i would be missing my classes. My coworker tried to convince me to show up- we will be together all day and we get to go out for lunch. but i dont think i have it in me.
i need to get dressed so i can go to the pharmacy and pick up the wellbutrin. i am having a hard time leaving the house. ugh...