[Naynay99]

Elsa- I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but please try to hang in there. Idk for sure if it gets better, but I am still holding on tight to hope, that things will improve. Hold on with me. Sending you hugs.

Me, I am still a mess. Depressed. And in physIcal pain/discomfort and don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I am just crazy and none of this is real. I'm too exhausted to do much about anything lately.

I have to go to my bank and withdraw $ and deposit it into my landlords acct at sanother bank for rent. And nobody at my bank would show me how the fiuuck to just set this up for online autopay. The teller told me to go home and do it online. Really? When I was there in person?! I hate our society sometimes.

I think I am going to be gross this morning and just wear out today what I wore to bed. It's the shirt I had on yesterday plus sweat pants I slept in. It's just to go to the bank and grab a bagel. And I don't have the energy to give a shiit.

I asked my friend if she wanted to grab lunch today. She replied "can't. Have to go to zoo for niece"s bday". Which i get, ppl have plans. So I responded "oh ok have fun". And that was our whole conversation. No thanks or how r u or counteroffer on her end to get together another day. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive. But it sure as shiit seems like she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Idk.

Anyhow. I am going to try to start picking up the house. Maybe I can find a tall chair so I can do the dishes while sitting down or something, as standing for long periods hurts. I have the rest of this week to clean the whole house before company arrives. It seems daunting and impossible. Even if it is just picked up and not gross I would be okay at this point. I have considered having somebody come in to clean, but I would still need to pick up before they could even do that. It might be worth the $ to reduce my stress level. I should be looking forward to this visit, not dreading it.

Ugh. Life is pretty shiity right now. But I see my gyn, get bloodwork results, see my T and pdoc all next week so maybe one of them will actually help? I'm Losing faith in medicine and psychiatry over here.
Still here.

[Lifeischallenging]

Hey all,
Wanted to check in with a post. Physical Therapy is going fine. I'm hoping they can correct my problem. As for my psychiatrist, I had to move my appointment from today to Thursday and I am out on medication.. I'm hoping they give me enough to deal with until Thursday. I also I had an anxiety attack this morning. It was only for a few minutes, but it hurt. Other than that, I am fine. Had breakfast. Have 'til four and then I get ready for work. Well, bye for now.

[bizi]

I actually cleaned my bathroom counter! Took an hour, threw some stuff away, very cathartic!
Maybe I will attack my bathroom floor next????
bizi

holy sh_t

I just slept 14 hours -- 10:05pm to 12:00pm on the nose

Whyyyyyyy

I got 8hrs the night before, then 5hrs the night before that. At this rate, I'll probably get 5 again. It's soooo weird because I've been taking my Seroquel at the same time everyday?

Otherwise, doing okay. I started a low dose of Ritalin on Thursday! It really helps me concentrate. I thought it would make me manic, but my Seroquel dose is pretty high now. Adderall was f_cking crack, and it didn't help that I went off all my meds at the same time. And I'm pretty sure Adderall made my attention and concentration 2x as worse.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I finally understand everything and everyone. I finally know my place, station, reason for being. No matter how safe I try to make things, I will live in constant fear and hopelessness. I will always have my life threatened by those who claim to love and care for me. I am a living, breathing punching bag. We don't make it. Not people like us. Who am I fooling by telling people it gets better. Why do people lie and tell me it will? Then kick me when I'm down over and over? I'm not even acceptable to the lost souls.....I'm acceptable to no one and accepting myself makes no difference when your constantly kicked, beaten, punched, robbed, ridiculed, ostracized, not forgiven for even the tiniest thing when I forgive anything. I do no good, I take up space and make everyone suffer. I don't mean to and I used to think intentions matter but they don't. Not in this insane world of pain and hurt and attacks. It's normal to be threatened constantly. It's absolutely normal.....for people like me. And people who aren't blame me cause I really must deserve it in all their eyes. I will write my letters and people will know what they did to me. I've got far more than 13 reasons to feel like this. More years means more reasons and I will soon turn into everything I hate about others. I can't watch this decline continue. I have one thing left that I'm proud of myself for but it's dying. I can't watch this. I can't be here for this. I'm hurting, in pain, sick, insulted, insulting, angry, hurt, hostile, docile, screaming and silent.

You are loved.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Otherwise, doing okay. I started a low dose of Ritalin on Thursday! It really helps me concentrate. I thought it would make me manic, but my Seroquel dose is pretty high now. Adderall was f_cking crack, and it didn't help that I went off all my meds at the same time. And I'm pretty sure Adderall made my attention and concentration 2x as worse.

That's great news! I hope it continues.

[Moose72]

I took the kids to Tim Hortons this morning. And we went to the grocery store to buy stamps so I could put two of them on the last two bills I have to send out and then put the bills in the mail box there in the store. Tada! All bills paid for the month! My youngest is going with his dad's pretty soon and my middle child will be with me. I have a birthday gift card burning a hole in my wallet; going to Barnes and Noble to try to spend it on something cool. Thinking CD but maybe book? Cleaned the apartment a bit yesterday. I really gotta tackle the kitchen though. Run the dishwasher!

[Sunflower123]

Yay! I showered, went to the therapist, got my legs waxed, a spa pedicure (Strawberry Margarita) and then on to Krystal's and it's a beautiful, sunny 63 degree day. Going out to IHOP with my daughter later tonight before she heads to NYC. This is more then I've done in months and I had one foot out the door last night. Thank you to everybody that supported me through that.

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( ElsaMars ))))))

May you feel surrounded by Love.


WC

[scatterbrained04]

Started the day off with good intentions. But now I'm in bed in the middle of the afternoon thinking about how incapable I am and how much I hate living in this world.

[Unrigged64072835]

Quiet day today. Took advantage of a 40-50% off everything sale and stocked up. Doing a load of laundry now while husband is taking a nap. Had to figure out something else for dinner since I forgot to marinade some chicken. Oops. At least we got out for a while before he got tired. Still have to buy sheets tomorrow after church. Wrote a poem after we were home.

Anxiety hit at 10 AM. I took some extra Vistaril and did some physical activity. It seemed to help. Mood has been okay, though I'm not showing interest in things again (other than shopping). I need a boost but can't afford the extra anxiety that ADs do.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by bizi

could you take half a dose of the anti anxiety med?
bizi

That's a good idea....I have no clue why I didn't even think to try that. Today, I just took an extra Gabapentin for anxiety without the Klonopin. Luckily, now I am home and do not have to go back to work until Tuesday, which is a relief. Plus, if anxiety gets worse, at least I can take a Klonopin or two here without even having to worry if I look tired or not since no co-workers will be here to make comments.

It was nice to talk to my brother today. He is going through some similar feelings about certain people. I still feel anxious, but at least I can stay here and not go out for the rest of the day since I am really not up to it. It's cloudy here...we haven't seen sun in a while...at least I haven't since I work until night, so maybe that's contributing to my lack of energy.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

Started the day off with good intentions. But now I'm in bed in the middle of the afternoon thinking about how incapable I am and how much I hate living in this world.

I understand completely scatterbrained. I spend many of my days like that. You are not alone.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I understand completely scatterbrained. I spend many of my days like that. You are not alone.

I also understand. I have been feeling like I'm a failure at everything.
My limitations cause me to live a life far from "the norm." There have been many challenges and showing up with my best, over and over again, has not been very fulfilling.


WC

[Naynay99]

Still feel like crap. Haven't gotten much accomplished.
But I did leave the house and deposit rent $ into my landlords acct. And somebody at the bank did help me set up a monthly auto transfer so I don't have to do this every month. Which is a relief. Auto bill pay has saved me by paying all my shiit on time for me, when I would have forgotten.

I tried reading this afternoon and ended up taking another nap. I am feeling overwhelmed, but think maybe if I can start to pick up stuff around the house a little at a time maybe I can get this place clean by the time company come. its just extra hard trying to do it while depressed and also not feeling well. I wish I had somebody to help me.

I may have soup for dinner again. I Have been starving lately but then when i eat nothing tastes as good as I want it to. I need to go food shopping but thts is at the bottom of my to do list. I suppose i should have some food in the house for my parents, tho they will prob still go shopping anyway.

Have a good nite everyone.

[Wander]

Submitted my Short Story Assignment, went for a swim at the beach, studied for a test I have this week and paced and paced with agitation. Last night (Sat) I was drugged up more than usual to combat agitation and paranoia but while it calmed me down and I didn't have SI I didn't sleep very well. Feeling off today but hopefully another swim will help. Think I am improving so I will talk to my pdoc about discharge when I see him today or tomorrow.

[Lifeischallenging]

Hey all,
Work went fine. Had no problems. No negative thoughts about how I hate this place. Just continuing on working towards my goal of wanting to leave and go back to college. I will make that happen. I am determined to do it. Its hard with my diagnosis, but if I stay on my dose, continue with my therapy and continue with my job then I most certainly will reach my goal. I haven't been able to get a gym membership yet as I don't have a car. That might have to change soon as I might be getting another job. Although, I did get a little scared walking home tonight. I thought something was following me for a minute. No anxiety attack though. It just frightened me a little.

Checking in while there's still pressure and time. Feeling like 2.5, where 0 is call 911 and 10 is call 911. Everybody hang in there. If the greatest trick the devil pulled was to convince the world that he doesn't exist, the disease's greatest trick is convincing us that it will never change.

[Wander]

Had a bad day and an awful evening. Tried to go swimming but left my house keys at my parents. Needed the exercise so I paced the ward for ages. I was so agitated and sui that I was given 10mg of Valium, then 50mg of Thorazine, then 2mg of Clonazepam. Still climbing the rafters and a danger to myself the on-call doctor was contacted and I have been given 2.5mg of Ativan and 10mg of Zyprexa. Think I am calming down a bit now but still racy. Hope I sleep tonight as I hardly slept last night. Just want this day to be over. Hate taking meds but I guess the alternative at this point is much worse.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Wander

Had a bad day and an awful evening. Tried to go swimming but left my house keys at my parents. Needed the exercise so I paced the ward for ages. I was so agitated and sui that I was given 10mg of Valium, then 50mg of Thorazine, then 2mg of Clonazepam. Still climbing the rafters and a danger to myself the on-call doctor was contacted and I have been given 2.5mg of Ativan and 10mg of Zyprexa. Think I am calming down a bit now but still racy. Hope I sleep tonight as I hardly slept last night. Just want this day to be over. Hate taking meds but I guess the alternative at this point is much worse.

I am sorry you had a bad day/evening. Hoping that you got some sleep.
Woke up to thunder storms and now it is raining and was hailing a bit earlier.
Maybe time to clean my bath room floor.....
bizi

[Sunflower123]

Didn't take my medicine last night and didn't sleep so I'd make sure to get my daughter to the airport. It messes me up physically and mentally for 1-2 days. Exhausted and foggy. Uuuggghhh.

[AmandaBroken]

I'm doing okay... Just got up trying to decide if I go to church or not...

[hopeless2015]

Doing ok, got laundry started, that will be an all day event. Husband went to get groceries without me cause I was still in bed and he was ready to go, feeling kinda shotty about that, but nothing I can do now. Having my coffee and waiting on him to get back and I'll help put away. Hugs everyone!

[bioChE]

Originally Posted by Wander

Had a bad day and an awful evening. Tried to go swimming but left my house keys at my parents. Needed the exercise so I paced the ward for ages. I was so agitated and sui that I was given 10mg of Valium, then 50mg of Thorazine, then 2mg of Clonazepam. Still climbing the rafters and a danger to myself the on-call doctor was contacted and I have been given 2.5mg of Ativan and 10mg of Zyprexa. Think I am calming down a bit now but still racy. Hope I sleep tonight as I hardly slept last night. Just want this day to be over. Hate taking meds but I guess the alternative at this point is much worse.

Holy hell! That much benzo and you didn't sleep? Valium, Klonopin, and Ativan, and pretty hefty doses. Your tolerance must be through the roof. I would be totally stoned.

My day has been good. Dealing with some back trouble, but getting through it. My mood has been stable since stopping the Wellbutrin, so that's a godsend.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by bioChE

Holy hell! That much benzo and you didn't sleep? Valium, Klonopin, and Ativan, and pretty hefty doses. Your tolerance must be through the roof. I would be totally stoned.

Just what I was going to post