Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm feeling much better now. I had a good old fashioned cry with my mom. She was gentle, understanding and just listened. My daughter came home for lunch and I got teary eyed and she was the same way. Both really helped. Thanks for the well wishes. And my sister texted me she loved me. Miracles indeed.

I'm glad crying worked for you and it felt better to get some of that nastiness out of there.

Sorry to not be around much lately. Some reading. Wishing the best to all.

Been busy. Pushing through, because I'm not into it at all. But duty calls blah, blah, blah. I'm pretty lost, really. So many things. So much waiting. So much pressure, but needs to be done in a very particular way (sorry so vague). Technical issues, fun stuff. Feeling ancient and inept. Job searching is a nightmare with so many restrictions.

Can't decide how I'm doing. Sometimes I think well enough that I want to start messing with my meds (probably won't though). Other times… not so much. But it's probably just life wearing me down. I can FEEL the meds keeping some degree of sucky reality at bay. That is a good thing.

Hugs to all. Sorry to not be replying more.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I'm Sorry you are feeling badly Cash. I loved the poetry Cash. The first poem reminded me of myself for some reason, cause my face has changed, when I look in the mirror and I'm haunted by what I see. My skin seems to be getting darker though, even though it never really sees the sun. I sit on my patio but it's covered and enclosed with screens so I feel like I get the sun, but don't really. But it's m pretty darned pale and I look like wretched ghost version on myself. Like bride of Frankenstein blonde hair. It stands straight I keep it wrapped in a bun though. My friend recently had a horrible experience and she said she looked in the mirror and her face looked haunted, and I relate very much to that. Mine too and I try to avoid looking at it right now but it I put on a little makeup which I've done a couple times recently I can make it look better. I just hate looking in the mirror.

Sorry to go on and on, I just felt a connection to that poem and I'm guessing perhaps you do too.

Thanks Elsa. I wish I could claim these beautiful lyrics bur they are from the song "A Whiter Shade of Pale" which is by Procol Harum, a group from the 60's. It is such a beautiful song though.

Sometimes that haunted look can be be a beautiful look though and I see beauty in you. If you look as beautiful outside (which really is irrelevant...I think Janis Joplin was quite a beauty despite her being less attractive than most famous artists) as you do inside, than I'm sure people are blown away!

[Daonnachd]

I just finished an entombment and can't remember all the paperwork that needs to be done. ECT has severely impacted my work. I'm afraid poor performances like this will result in me losing my job.

[jacky8807]

last night I got sucked into 4 hours of reading anti-psychiatry info. it starts with one article then you end up in some scary spaces lol

I hate when I do that because I start not knowing what to believe. have we all been duped?

otherwise doing well. hugs to all who need it today!

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

last night I got sucked into 4 hours of reading anti-psychiatry info. it starts with one article then you end up in some scary spaces lol

I hate when I do that because I start not knowing what to believe. have we all been duped?

otherwise doing well. hugs to all who need it today!

I'm curious about the articles.

[jacky8807]

there are a billion. some crazy stories out there too. but I'm trying not to get wrapped up in it too much and just deal with symptoms

[Unrigged64072835]

Finished homework and did three loads of laundry. Went to a local park and took some pictures. I don't think the hummingbird and chipmunk photos will turn out but I'm glad I saw them.

Feeling kind of bummed with school. Seems I'm missing some things that younger people are picking up. I don't know if it's because of my isolation or what. I wish I could quit, but I'd lose money and I'm doing well in the class. My homework is easy, though; my husband has assignments with 40+ word problems. I would go nuts.

Will be making dinner soon. I would rather not and curl up in bed with a bowl of ice cream and some Oreos.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

last night I got sucked into 4 hours of reading anti-psychiatry info. it starts with one article then you end up in some scary spaces lol

I hate when I do that because I start not knowing what to believe. have we all been duped?

otherwise doing well. hugs to all who need it today!

It's easy to start questioning.

I haven't been duped. I would have left Earth many years ago if not for the help from my pdoc, including meds.


WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I'm sorry for any negativity I spew.....I'm doing very badly the past few days. My monthly is killing me. I used to have periods with minimal pain, when girls complained about theirs I didn't get it. Now mine are worse than childbirth and I had natural childbirth without screwsming once. I feel this need and urge to PUSH just like with childbirth. It's so heavy and awful and it effects my mood so bad. I hurt so bad I'm in tears that won't stop. When will this madness end? I can't go on like this and my doctor is dragging his feet on finding a solution. I won't make it if something is not done. I took one of my husbands ativan and hope it will help. the family stress I have is killing me too....and all I get is judgement from people who pretend to care. They have no clue. I wish all this on them. Just one day in my shoes and they'd shut the heck up. The fat old white men who hold all the money and rule the world ensure that people like me get screwed until they die. Make euthanasia legal already! I want off this ride of horrors.

I haven't witnessed your being negative.
I'm sorry you are suffering so much.
You don't deserve to suffer.

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm feeling much better now. I had a good old fashioned cry with my mom. She was gentle, understanding and just listened. My daughter came home for lunch and I got teary eyed and she was the same way. Both really helped. Thanks for the well wishes. And my sister texted me she loved me. Miracles indeed.

WC

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Welcome back I hope you catch up on everything and start feeling better soon.

thanks, I apreciate it.

food was good, chicken with chips (and a lot of BBQ sauce), and after dinner I got to talk to my friend tara (the one who had the surgery)

very hot now though. really sticky night, and feels like i'm in a sauna

not really sure what I want to do

Spent the majority of the day drinking water versus soda. Seems to be helping out with the tooth pain. I just want to take a pair of pliers and start pulling teeth until the pain goes away.

5:00 PM never comes soon enough, and then when it does I wish it was bedtime.

I think part of my anger and anxiety that I experience every day comes from the one hour commute I have to the office. That's just one way, too. I've been doing this for seven years come November. There's the morning drive which was quite dangerous for a while. Before I got my CPAP I would fall asleep at the wheel. I nearly caused half a dozen or so accidents before I had my sleep study. Anytime I'm behind the wheel for a good amount of time (40 minutes and up) I tend to get sleepy. I try things to distract me and put attention back on the road. Sometimes eating helps, but I've certainly not missed a meal in a long time. That can only work so long. Thinking of eating reminds me of the taste of this one "Italian" sub that a gas station near me has. It is really, really good. I could eat ten of them at a time.

Because my teeth have been hurting, I haven't been eating as much as I want to. Last night for dinner I had soft cheese and crackers. I tried eating "real" food yesterday for lunch - splurged on Dairy Queen and got a flamethrower burger and a vanilla malt (extra malt) to wash it down. The cold malt made my tooth pain go away for a while and the burger filled me up. I could still go for another burger like that again. I try to keep some healthy snacks at my desk but they either do not appeal to me at the time or I find they aren't satisfying my hunger and I want to eat more. Right now I would probably splurge on some soda and chips or cookies and milk from the vending machine here at the office in my last 40 minutes of the day.

Replace the food with electronics and you know how costly this sort of behavior can become over time. Man, a 20-pack of sliders from White Castle sounds wonderful right now. When I did this sort of spending with cell phones I killed my budget and jacked up the relationship with my wife.

[Faltering]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

last night I got sucked into 4 hours of reading anti-psychiatry info. it starts with one article then you end up in some scary spaces lol

I hate when I do that because I start not knowing what to believe. have we all been duped?

otherwise doing well. hugs to all who need it today!

I recently read a book about anti-psychiatry. The book is entitled The Myth of the Chemical Cure: A Critique of Psychiatric Drug Treatment by Joanna Moncrieff. I have to admit, some of the evidence makes me wonder.

[Wild Coyote]

Met with pdoc today. I am very down. Hopeless. The depression continues.
More med adjustments. Again. I am very lucky to have him.


WC

[Daonnachd]

I was bemoaning the impact of ECT on my work, but right now I can't find a driver to get me to/from my next treatment.

[vjdragonfly]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I feel this need and urge to PUSH just like with childbirth. It's so heavy and awful and it effects my mood so bad. I hurt so bad I'm in tears that won't stop. When will this madness end? I can't go on like this and my doctor is dragging his feet on finding a solution. I won't make it if something is not done.

Try the ER it sounds like you might have a kidney stone, they hurt like the devil. I also felt like I need to push and I would try when I urinated. I hope they find what is going on soon.

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Sorry to not be around much lately. Some reading. Wishing the best to all.

Been busy. Pushing through, because I'm not into it at all. But duty calls blah, blah, blah. I'm pretty lost, really. So many things. So much waiting. So much pressure, but needs to be done in a very particular way (sorry so vague). Technical issues, fun stuff. Feeling ancient and inept. Job searching is a nightmare with so many restrictions.

Can't decide how I'm doing. Sometimes I think well enough that I want to start messing with my meds (probably won't though). Other times… not so much. But it's probably just life wearing me down. I can FEEL the meds keeping some degree of sucky reality at bay. That is a good thing.

Hugs to all. Sorry to not be replying more.

Hey InnerZone it is good to see you . Sorry you are having a tough time. Job searching really does suck, I hope you can luck up on one that is good for you. Feel better my friend

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Met with pdoc today. I am very down. Hopeless. The depression continues.
More med adjustments. Again. I am very lucky to have him.


WC

I hope the new med changes help, I know you have been down for quite some time.

[vjdragonfly]

I'm kinda floating today. Not feeling great but not in my dark place. Four more days till I see my Pdoc. I'm just afraid he might tell me I need to go IP. I know I need to be honest with him about everything, but some things I want to omit.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Met with pdoc today. I am very down. Hopeless. The depression continues.
More med adjustments. Again. I am very lucky to have him.


WC

WC: I'm sorry I was so wrapped up in my pain I didn't recognize yours. I hope these med adjustments work and you are feeling better soon.

[Moose72]

In bed early again. Ex says there's a band concert tomorrow but I don't see it on the calendar online where ex said it was. I have no clue when or where. N3 says he didn't hear anything about it today.

I'm in bed early. Glasses not in and I don't think they take deliveries on Saturday even though they're open.

I seem to want to sleep a lot lately. I get up at a decent hour but I go to bed early and take naps.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Faltering

I recently read a book about anti-psychiatry. The book is entitled The Myth of the Chemical Cure: A Critique of Psychiatric Drug Treatment by Joanna Moncrieff. I have to admit, some of the evidence makes me wonder.

Made me wonder too....then things go wonky and I'm reaching out for anything that might work, and I have to admit my latest cocktail is either the perfect placebo or it's working great. Either way I'm not planing to mess with it.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Met with pdoc today. I am very down. Hopeless. The depression continues.
More med adjustments. Again. I am very lucky to have him.


WC

Sending you hugs, WC.

[cybermember]

Maybe is wasn't a good idea to completely come off my antidepressant even though it was just 5 mg's that I had lowered from 10 mgs. over a month ago. My pdoc thought the remaining 5 mg's was too low to really do anything so she felt I should just drop it so I did 4 days ago.

Even though it's only been 4 days, I currently find myself overwhelmed from life.

[VerMOZZica]

I feel just awful today.I woke up feeling like this.After I had breakfast I went back to bed and did not get out of bed until about 3:00 in the afternoon.I finally got of bed and took a shower.I`m having a bad day.

[bizi]

I started taking a new sleep over the counter aid.
I hope it helps.
I had 3 dark beers tonight at whole foods playing trivia in the bar.
Drinking does not help me sleep unfortunately.
bizi