[jacky8807]

where the hevk is the sandman these days??? he's not visiting me the last few nights.

[Wander]

Oh, great. My lower Haloperidol dose sill effects my eyes so now I have to stop it altogether. It was the only thing that kept the agitation away. I am already depressed and overwhelmed. Dont thing I could handle a return of the severe agitation I had before Haloperidol. Sent my pdoc a message. Hoping he will get back to me tomorrow. So ****** frustrated right now. Drowning in the pressure of life.

[scatterbrained04]

Up and at it this morning. Majorly dreading work. Talk to pdoc tomorrow. Trying to get myself in a head space where I can tell what is going on. I usually get so anxious that I don't exactly. I just know I can't keep on like this.

[Theresa1991]

Very depressed, triggered and confronting childhood memories with unknown intensity. Sent myself IP this morning and will be waiting for a bed all day.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bizi

Golly my dear that doesn't sound right.
I would go into your pharmacist and talk with them about your meds schedule. Have you considered getting a new pdoc with a new perspective?
I don't know, Sorry I am not being helpful.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Hi bizi! Thanks for your concern. I would not think of changing my pdoc. We are doing what we can do, as we've been through so many meds and med combinations. Med dosages are within normal limits. My pharmacist keeps a close eye on everything. This is a very stubborn depression. A deadly one, without treatment.
I do appreciate your concern. Very much so.

WC

[gina_re]

Called my insurance company to speak with an advice nurse. They weren't very helpful. I then called the hospital and have an appointment for an assessment for PHP on Wednesday. I think I might end up IP. But my sister called not too long ago, she's stopping by and of course she'll have my nephew, the one year old. Sometimes that calms me down, but I'm not even excited about that.

[Moose72]

I had a long weekend.

Saturday was prom. All day we were doing something for it- hair and make up appointments, mostly. We had gone shopping for snacks and the game "life" for her after party. I was home watching a movie when they got home. She was mad that I wasn't upstairs already! But I just went up and went to bed. I was exhausted. Party went on without me and went well. The boys got driven home and the girls spent the night.

Sunday we were up on time to leave for church. N was recognized as a graduate during the service. After there was cake. Then my ex and both N's and I walked to buffalo wild wings from church. It was a nice meal. Ex paid. After, N3 and I walked around downtown. N2 got taken home by ex.

Then it was time for the performance of the ceciliamass by Hayden. We'd been practicing that for months in the choir. We had more choir members padding us and a small orchestra. It lasted over an hour but we had a decent sized audience and got a standing ovation! My back and feet hurt so much by the end but I recovered with a good night's sleep last night.

In other news my insurance won't cover my migraine med, sumatriptan, anymore. Called primary about this. I need a migraine abortive!

I didn't do much of anything this weekend. The office closed early on Friday because of a power outage so from about Friday @ 1:00 PM on I was bumming around the house. I didn't shower or shave all weekend. I was mostly depressed because of my father's birthday. He isn't alive anymore, and the last visual I have of him is him faking being asleep when I came to see him one last time before he died. That fact seemed to allude my wife as she continually grew frustrated with me. I was once again called a loser and told I should crawl in a hole and die.

Saturday night I received an email about a possible job opportunity. I talked it over with the wife and she said go ahead and try it. It's for another purchasing position, which is what I apparently have an aptitude for, but the newness and the size of the organization have me concerned. Needless to say, I agreed to a phone interview and had that last night - I know, on a Sunday. It seemed to go well. I should find out within the next day or so if I have a face to face interview. They agreed to meet after hours (after 5:00 PM) so I didn't have to take off additional time for work. I think the one thing that will prevent me from interviewing or getting an offer is the lack of a college degree.

My wife has been reading up on the company and seems really impressed with it. However, the more impressed she becomes the more reality sets in and my depression starts reminding me how my chances of securing employment here are slim to none. How could a company of such intelligence hire someone like me? They would have to be crazy. My wife can no longer process these comments that come from my mouth, so I'm referred to as a loser, etc. When I didn't go to church with her yesterday morning I was reminded once more about how pathetic I am and I should never expect anything good to happen because I do not pray regularly or go to church and tithe.

I don't think my medication is working as well as it could, and maybe it is time to adjust my levels. Then I start to think that nothing will change because my wife will just continue to see me as a loser. She says things like that and then turns around and buys me a birthday present. Practical things, like shirts, but presents nonetheless. I do not want my birthday to be celebrated. I don't want to be reminded that I am getting older. Knowing tomorrow I turn 36 is just a harsh reminder of where I once was, where I am now, and the daunting task of getting to where I want to be if that were even possible. The older I get the less likely this is going to happen.

Saturday morning I had a very surreal moment with voices in my head having conversations with one another. It felt like I was sitting in a mall or a restaurant and people were walking by me as they talked to one another. Some conversations felt closer to me than others, and I could clearly make out what they were saying but nothing ever appeared to make sense to me. Not that the words were nonsensical but the conversations were general in nature and not specific to anything going on around me. People were just talking.

I feel like contacting my primary and letting him know what is going on. The problem with that is he's extremely busy and difficult to get a hold of. He is the team doctor for a professional sports team as well. If I email him, the responses will go to my wife. She will see everything. I'm worried she will interject and say I am making things up, not take me seriously, etc. If I try and change the email address on our account with the doctor she will be notified. It's one of those fail safes I have in place should I go into an episode and do risky things.

Part of me wants to leave a message with the doctor to get a call back, but that may never happen in a timely fashion. By then the symptoms could have worsened. The growing fear that I have inside me is that I am progressively becoming worse and need to be seen. I don't feel suicidal yet, but if I continue to be tormented by my obsessive thoughts and feelings, get called a loser by my wife, perform poorly on the job, I just might hit a tipping point. The scared self wants to get admitted for observation. But to what end? What would that accomplish?

I'm tired of being called a loser, even if my wife apologizes. I'm tired of my faith being questioned when I honestly could care less if I prayed and/or went to church. If "god" is responsible for what is happening to me, I want out. I didn't sign up for this. I don't want to lose my wife, my kids, my job, my home...however I feel so hopeless that going nuclear might be my only option.

[Moose72]

(((((neodk))))) I wish your wife would be more supportive.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by neodk

I didn't do much of anything this weekend. The office closed early on Friday because of a power outage so from about Friday @ 1:00 PM on I was bumming around the house. I didn't shower or shave all weekend. I was mostly depressed because of my father's birthday. He isn't alive anymore, and the last visual I have of him is him faking being asleep when I came to see him one last time before he died. That fact seemed to allude my wife as she continually grew frustrated with me. I was once again called a loser and told I should crawl in a hole and die.

Saturday night I received an email about a possible job opportunity. I talked it over with the wife and she said go ahead and try it. It's for another purchasing position, which is what I apparently have an aptitude for, but the newness and the size of the organization have me concerned. Needless to say, I agreed to a phone interview and had that last night - I know, on a Sunday. It seemed to go well. I should find out within the next day or so if I have a face to face interview. They agreed to meet after hours (after 5:00 PM) so I didn't have to take off additional time for work. I think the one thing that will prevent me from interviewing or getting an offer is the lack of a college degree.

My wife has been reading up on the company and seems really impressed with it. However, the more impressed she becomes the more reality sets in and my depression starts reminding me how my chances of securing employment here are slim to none. How could a company of such intelligence hire someone like me? They would have to be crazy. My wife can no longer process these comments that come from my mouth, so I'm referred to as a loser, etc. When I didn't go to church with her yesterday morning I was reminded once more about how pathetic I am and I should never expect anything good to happen because I do not pray regularly or go to church and tithe.

I don't think my medication is working as well as it could, and maybe it is time to adjust my levels. Then I start to think that nothing will change because my wife will just continue to see me as a loser. She says things like that and then turns around and buys me a birthday present. Practical things, like shirts, but presents nonetheless. I do not want my birthday to be celebrated. I don't want to be reminded that I am getting older. Knowing tomorrow I turn 36 is just a harsh reminder of where I once was, where I am now, and the daunting task of getting to where I want to be if that were even possible. The older I get the less likely this is going to happen.

Saturday morning I had a very surreal moment with voices in my head having conversations with one another. It felt like I was sitting in a mall or a restaurant and people were walking by me as they talked to one another. Some conversations felt closer to me than others, and I could clearly make out what they were saying but nothing ever appeared to make sense to me. Not that the words were nonsensical but the conversations were general in nature and not specific to anything going on around me. People were just talking.

I feel like contacting my primary and letting him know what is going on. The problem with that is he's extremely busy and difficult to get a hold of. He is the team doctor for a professional sports team as well. If I email him, the responses will go to my wife. She will see everything. I'm worried she will interject and say I am making things up, not take me seriously, etc. If I try and change the email address on our account with the doctor she will be notified. It's one of those fail safes I have in place should I go into an episode and do risky things.

Part of me wants to leave a message with the doctor to get a call back, but that may never happen in a timely fashion. By then the symptoms could have worsened. The growing fear that I have inside me is that I am progressively becoming worse and need to be seen. I don't feel suicidal yet, but if I continue to be tormented by my obsessive thoughts and feelings, get called a loser by my wife, perform poorly on the job, I just might hit a tipping point. The scared self wants to get admitted for observation. But to what end? What would that accomplish?

I'm tired of being called a loser, even if my wife apologizes. I'm tired of my faith being questioned when I honestly could care less if I prayed and/or went to church. If "god" is responsible for what is happening to me, I want out. I didn't sign up for this. I don't want to lose my wife, my kids, my job, my home...however I feel so hopeless that going nuclear might be my only option.

I am sorry you are going through this.
Is there any talking with your wife?

Calling a spouse a "loser" is abuse.
It's no wonder you feel like shiit with this going on.
Please tell her the name-calling is abuse and it hurts. It's disparaging.

A part of you must be angry about your wife's name-calling.

Good luck with the interview with the new company.

You have a lot going on. Please stay safe.
If it's too much, look at IP.
We are here should you need further support.

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by gina_re

Called my insurance company to speak with an advice nurse. They weren't very helpful. I then called the hospital and have an appointment for an assessment for PHP on Wednesday. I think I might end up IP. But my sister called not too long ago, she's stopping by and of course she'll have my nephew, the one year old. Sometimes that calms me down, but I'm not even excited about that.

You are doing a good job advocating for yourself.
We are here for you.

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Wander

Oh, great. My lower Haloperidol dose sill effects my eyes so now I have to stop it altogether. It was the only thing that kept the agitation away. I am already depressed and overwhelmed. Dont thing I could handle a return of the severe agitation I had before Haloperidol. Sent my pdoc a message. Hoping he will get back to me tomorrow. So ****** frustrated right now. Drowning in the pressure of life.

Oh, wow! Haloperidol was so helpful to you! Damn!
I know you will keep a close eye on things.
This has to feel discouraging, Wander.

(((((( Wander ))))))

Thinking of you.
Stay safe.

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I had a long weekend.

Saturday was prom. All day we were doing something for it- hair and make up appointments, mostly. We had gone shopping for snacks and the game "life" for her after party. I was home watching a movie when they got home. She was mad that I wasn't upstairs already! But I just went up and went to bed. I was exhausted. Party went on without me and went well. The boys got driven home and the girls spent the night.

Sunday we were up on time to leave for church. N was recognized as a graduate during the service. After there was cake. Then my ex and both N's and I walked to buffalo wild wings from church. It was a nice meal. Ex paid. After, N3 and I walked around downtown. N2 got taken home by ex.

Then it was time for the performance of the ceciliamass by Hayden. We'd been practicing that for months in the choir. We had more choir members padding us and a small orchestra. It lasted over an hour but we had a decent sized audience and got a standing ovation! My back and feet hurt so much by the end but I recovered with a good night's sleep last night.

In other news my insurance won't cover my migraine med, sumatriptan, anymore. Called primary about this. I need a migraine abortive!

Sounds like you've had a good weekend!
So glad you and your daughter were able to work things out over the "after party." Migraines are the worst! I hope your doc can help you out.

WC

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

You have a lot going on. Please stay safe.
If it's too much, look at IP.
We are here should you need further support.

WC

My wife always make me leery about admitting myself, like it will be a black mark on my permanent record. I think with the diagnosis of bipolar on my medical records it cannot get much worse, but she worked in the medical field for awhile and believes she knows what the consequences will be.

If I do IP, my fear is she will see this as quitting. I always quit when things are too tough. She pushes me to work through things. In theory that's not a bad thing. But I don't have anyone advocating for me other than myself, and when I tend to not be clear on my thoughts, feelings and concerns it makes fighting for what I need difficult.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by neodk

My wife always make me leery about admitting myself, like it will be a black mark on my permanent record. I think with the diagnosis of bipolar on my medical records it cannot get much worse, but she worked in the medical field for awhile and believes she knows what the consequences will be.

If I do IP, my fear is she will see this as quitting. I always quit when things are too tough. She pushes me to work through things. In theory that's not a bad thing. But I don't have anyone advocating for me other than myself, and when I tend to not be clear on my thoughts, feelings and concerns it makes fighting for what I need difficult.

Going IP is not quitting. It's purpose is to get more help to have a better life. It's the opposite of quitting.

If you already have "bipolar" on your medical records, an IP admission won't make much difference. The biggest challenge might be arranging this with work and feeling okay about taking time for yourself, as you are very goal-oriented.

As for advocates, ideally, your wife would be advocating for you. She'd encourage you to tell her more about what's going on for you and would help you to clarify, etc. For some reason, that's not happening and I strongly encourage couples counseling at some point, after you decide if you'll benefit from IP or not.

IP isn't always the best move for everyone. Yet, if you're feeling depleted and full of despair and/or are concerned about hurting yourself or someone else, it's a great option.

Please stay safe.

WC

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Sounds like you've had a good weekend!
So glad you and your daughter were able to work things out over the "after party." Migraines are the worst! I hope your doc can help you out.

WC

Just had a thought:. Maybe I have a bottle at home that I refilled recently. I have so many scripts and they're all i a bag. That would be a reason insurance wouldn't pay.

[Sunflower123]

Ok...let's try this again, knock on wood. I'm feeling peaceful and content this morning. I usually feel this way early in the day, hopeful and optimistic. My mood darkens as the day goes on. I realize my trigger most days is lack of productivity...I just don't know how to resolve it. Even baby steps often doesn't work with me. I'll keep working on it. Hugs and best wishes to all who are having a tough time right now.

[jacky8807]

well the good news is I seem to be doing ok mood wise. I think I will stick out with the zoloft for a few left over symptoms. give it a shot anyway

hope things get better for those who need it!

Jennifer I hope you keep feeling peaceful. fingers crossed!

[jacky8807]

neodk I am feeling for you. you have a lot of pressure on your shoulders. take good care of yourself.
hell if we don't give it to ourselves who will!!??

[Nammu]

Well wow, a new #18 bipolar check in! Already at 70..... Boy things move fast.

I'm ok, just having trouble waking up in the mornings. Stable is boring but that's ok I'll take boring.

Miraculously got a 25mg Seroquel script! I took it and now I feel A LOT better. No more diarrhea or severe nausea. This nice lady was kind enough to write me a Seroquel Rx

Also sliced off a tiny bit of my nail tip by accident with a new pocket knife I got today. Finger slipped and *cut*. Maybe I can cut my nails with this! Jk

I'm lucky I didn't slice my finger

Public Service Announcement: knives are sharp

-- edit:
the lady at Walmart (where I bought my knife) said "ok we'll need to card you. Are you over 18? We don't sell these to 16 year olds." Omg. I'm 26!!!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Miraculously got a 25mg Seroquel script! I took it and now I feel A LOT better. No more diarrhea or severe nausea. This nice lady was kind enough to write me a Seroquel Rx

Also sliced off a tiny bit of my nail tip by accident with a new pocket knife I got today. Finger slipped and *cut*. Maybe I can cut my nails with this! Jk

I'm lucky I didn't slice my finger

Public Service Announcement: knives are sharp

-- edit:
the lady at Walmart (where I bought my knife) said "ok we'll need to card you. Are you over 18? We don't sell these to 16 year olds." Omg. I'm 26!!!

I'm glad you are feeling better!
I had just asked you in your other thread, then saw this.

WC

[lola0987]

Today going to be positive today is good day dang it. Here's to hoping

[Sunflower123]

I've been a member of PC since January 2015 at the advice of my therapist. I signed up but just didn't see it as any benefit to me. Since I started participating several days or weeks ago it's amazing how important this forum has become to me and how invested I am in other's stories and wishing them well. I appreciate everyone here and I thank you for sharing. It's been so helpful I consider it part of my support system now. Thank you.

[vjdragonfly]

Still down in the dumps. I try to stay in bed as much as I can. Really having a hard time getting anything done. I don't even want to take care of my animals or other responsibilities. Somehow I manage to do them though.