[WildcatVet]

G*d, I hate this! What the hell is the matter with me?? Yesterday I as sooooo angry and today I'm just sitting here crying my eyes out. Hubby tries with the *everything will be alright* but he just doesn't get that this is inside my head...he still feels it's all due to the big move, financial problems...and even worse says he thinks my MEDS are screwing me up. I've even tried to get him to talk to a/my therapist but no way, Jose. Oh, well....

[hopeless2015]

Took another fmla day today. Hospital released me to go back to work today but I just can't. The Seroquel has me dazed for hours and the depression isn't any better. I don't know what I'm going to do. Everyone just wants me to go back to work, they don't understand at all.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by hopeless2015

Took another fmla day today. Hospital released me to go back to work today but I just can't. The Seroquel has me dazed for hours and the depression isn't any better. I don't know what I'm going to do. Everyone just wants me to go back to work, they don't understand at all.

I am sorry you are going through this. Please tell people this. Please tell them you don't feel heard/understood. Hopefully, your sharing this with them will help them to listen on a deeper level. It's critical certain people "get it" in order to be helpful/supportive.

(((((( hopeless ))))))


WC

[hopeless2015]

Thanks WC, everyone is just worried about the money. Money rules the world. I'm on unpaid time right now and I'm a huge burden to my family right now. I don't think they will approve me for disability because they have always considered me 'high functioning"

I just ate my pizza.

it was good..

a little pissed off because my tv failed to record emmerdale (and I know for a fact I have the series set to record)

it's okay though. I'll just catch up with it tomorrow morning.

yay for channels that show repeats of programmes

[xRavenx]

Having ice cream and coffee was the highlight of my day. I am trying to focus on the little things in life that's positive, but it's hard. I have a lot of expenses coming up, which I'm dreading.

I felt myself getting tense today as different thoughts became too overwhelming. I want to gain a sense of control over my life, but feel incapable and scared of change. Little things from the past keep creeping up and intrusive thoughts. Also, my sleep isn't great. I feel zonked out half the time, and people are even able to tell, which makes it worse. These damn meds.

[liveforsummer]

There has been good in my day but the negative thoughts just keep pulling on me.

[wonderluster]

It is a myth that "geographical" cures (which is really just changing the influences of your environment) is dysfunctional or bad.

The classic response is a variation of something like, "You will bring your problems with you wherever you go."

Well that is true, but you will also leave hopeless and negative influences and situations behind to find better ones.

An environmental cure could be letting go of a person.
It could be throwing your TV out the window.

I could be changing jobs, routines or changing any factor outside of your own head.

It could mean joining a carnival.
Just try it for one season.
Save your money and go somewhere warm when Winter comes.

I'm just talking to myself, so nevermind me.

Where was I?
Oh ya... So when you have done everything you can to change things within yourself, it may make sense to change something outside yourself.

It's puzzling figuring out what choices to make or not make sometimes.

my first thought today: why do I always count down the days to death?

Possible trigger:

the voices in my head have always made it clear to me that I will die on a sunday afternoon at 4 PM (i've posted this somewhere before)

so when I'm close to a sunday, I always count it down

then sunday comes and it never happens and I start the countdown again to the next sunday

sunday should be a happy day, right?. sunday should be a time to celebrate.

celebrate i've lived another week

celebrate life

but It's not that

sunday seems to celebrate everything I fail in

that's why I don't like it, I think.

didn't enjoy my breakfast too much (not enough marmite on the toast!)

still feeling a little ill from my pizza yesterday too, so it plays a part..

feeling quite empty and stuff.

not really feeling much

[bpforever1]

I have a demo trial lesson to teach tomorrow. I am hoping for the best. It is for the tour guide school. The main teacher is amazing. He is a walking encyclopedia. I was truly impressed. Also, I want to teach here because I can learn more about Japan and its history and culture from others. I am feeling ok. I also received an interview to do another demo lesson for the company that wants me to work full-time at times from 7am to 9pm. I am thinking of doing it for practice. I believe the schedule is not always 7 am to 9pm and may be reasonable at times. The pay is low still but it will give me a chance to work full-time. I don't know if I can do the work though unless I try. Money is important and I wish they paid more. However, they pay the going rate for teaching here. I will see if I can pass their demo lesson and go from there. I have only two classes to teach next month right now. If I pass the demo lesson for the tour guide school, I can get more classes but it is temporary work. After the beginning of December, they don't need me. Thus, I really need to think about my options and see if anything works out for me. If I think I can do the full-time job, I may do it if offered. I don't really know at this point until I go through the process. I am happy to be surviving. I am also stable mentally now so although I won't have much work next month, I will be ok. Jobs come and go but my health is a priority. For some reason, I am happy.

[Wander]

Stoned ... listening to Pink Floyd 'Dark side of the moon'.

[5150DirtDiva]

I am really suffering today. I cannot tolerate anything and I want to smash all the things.

Lost my job today. Thanks depression.

[Wander]

Saw my T today and talked about the trauma of being very ill, suicidal and going IP over and over again. My biggest fear is that I will die so we are going to talk through the past trauma surrounding that. I get sick so often my resilience is wearing down.

Can you get PTSD from being bipolar?

[Gabyunbound]

My kitty, Schnookie, of 19 years, died yesterday. She had fallen out of bed probably had a stroke. I took her to the ER hospital and they said she had no fractures but that her heart rate was dangerously low, her blood pressure low, her kidneys doing very poorly. There was nothing they could do. I went home first, waiting for her to be fit in for an ultrasound, and my brother cancelled the rest of his workday to be with me. The ER vet called me and told me that the most humane thing to do would be to euthanize her. I got to spend a good amount of time with her before we did it. She was not the same cat, very lethargic and couldn't sit properly, I think because she couldn't feel one of her legs.

Just before bringing her in, she had some sort of seizure and again when the vet came in to do it. At least, from how she looked, her behavior and what the vet told me, I knew I was doing the right thing.

But I bawled at the vet and have been bawling off and on since. I woke up this morning and as soon as I realized she wasn't there, I bawled again. The pain is so so acute, and awful, and soul-wrenching, I don't know how to get through this.

I took a couple days off of work in the hopes that I'll get to the point that I won't break into tears every time I think of her, which is all the time.

I will be keeping a journal just for her. write to her until I don't need to anymore. I hope this will help.

If you pray (and I don't, but at such moments I do) please pray that she is in a place with no discomfort or pain and where she's not alone, but surrounded by all that is good and loving and caring.

Originally Posted by escapeartist

Lost my job today. Thanks depression.

Wow, I'm so sorry. That's terrible.

Not to be nosy, but what happened?

[Tucson]

I had pancakes for the for the first time in years. I weghed myself and found out that I have lost a coiple more pounds. This concerns me since I am losing one pound a day and I am below my desired weight. When will this stop? It must be stress.

I have very little planned today. I am going to take some stuff over to a freind for sale. I am going to call the health insurance up to see about a surprisem $250 billing that I cannot afford. That is about it.

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

My kitty, Schnookie, of 19 years, died yesterday. She had fallen out of bed probably had a stroke. I took her to the ER hospital and they said she had no fractures but that her heart rate was dangerously low, her blood pressure low, her kidneys doing very poorly. There was nothing they could do. I went home first, waiting for her to be fit in for an ultrasound, and my brother cancelled the rest of his workday to be with me. The ER vet called me and told me that the most humane thing to do would be to euthanize her. I got to spend a good amount of time with her before we did it. She was not the same cat, very lethargic and couldn't sit properly, I think because she couldn't feel one of her legs.

Just before bringing her in, she had some sort of seizure and again when the vet came in to do it. At least, from how she looked, her behavior and what the vet told me, I knew I was doing the right thing.

But I bawled at the vet and have been bawling off and on since. I woke up this morning and as soon as I realized she wasn't there, I bawled again. The pain is so so acute, and awful, and soul-wrenching, I don't know how to get through this.

I took a couple days off of work in the hopes that I'll get to the point that I won't break into tears every time I think of her, which is all the time.

I will be keeping a journal just for her. write to her until I don't need to anymore. I hope this will help.

If you pray (and I don't, but at such moments I do) please pray that she is in a place with no discomfort or pain and where she's not alone, but surrounded by all that is good and loving and caring.

I'm very sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how difficult this was for you, to lose a furry family member.

It sounds like you were a great mom to her. She is now no longer in suffering. You did whatever you could and what was best for her.

I like the idea of keeping a journal. Feel better soon.

so I had to change my hair appointment to next week, since my mental health worker wants to come and see me thursday morning (she probhably won't actually show up, but have to give her the benifit, right?)

anyway she found out I'd put in a complaint about her- and she is not happy about it

(I don't look forward much to that conversation!)

I also watched a movie called away, which turned out okay- their were a few triggers in it, but it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be

got some bills this afternoon, which are just lying unopened on my desk, and my emergency grocery delivery which i've put away

yeah.. feeling better this afternoon than I was this morning

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Wow, I'm so sorry. That's terrible.

Not to be nosy, but what happened?

I called in sick.
Its okay. I have another job...for now...

[scatterbrained04]

My concentration just has been sucking lately. Can't seem to read anything long. Haven't picked up a book in a couple weeks. Keep getting bored and wanting to go to bed at like 7p instead of 9p. Not sure what is up with that. Probably getting bored because I'd normally read lol

Sigh...it's always something...

[CloserToTheMid]

I've struggled with hypomania and anxiety waiting for my new med to work. Today, I woke up feel the best I have in months. I've been more focused productive at work for sure. My motor mouth is under control. My blogging obsession is under control. Life is good!

[wonderluster]

Try This:

1) Write a completely honest message describing everything that is going on and everything you feel.

2) Send the message to yourself.

3) Read the message as if it was from the closest person you ever knew, whom you love dearly.

4) Send back a supportive loving reply.

5) Read the reply and believe everything in the message.

After reading this thread I see that some are experiencing loss, despair and pain and some are experiencing good results from their hard work at getting better.

Everyone who continues to work at getting better will get better.
Sometimes (as you can read in this thread from the last day) the change for the better happens overnight!

All we can do is keep trying to be good to ourselves and keep trying to live in peace with others. The best possible results will follow.

It's that simple

[Wild Coyote]

Back on low-dose chemo (autoimmune reasons) and feeling a bit hazy.

Taking citalopram, Wellbutrin, Abilify, Adderall for depression.
Other meds for pain.

Had fun over the weekend (before chemo injection).
Let's see what tomorrow brings.

Love to All!

WC

[liveforsummer]

Hugs to everyone having a hard time. hope tomorrow's a good day
Would like to numb my brain.