Last one had reached 100 pages so here is a brand new one

[liveforsummer]

Just packing and cab taking us to airport soon. Still not overly excited but I'm hopeful which is better than depressed. If I don't return it's cause I'm a melted puddle in key west!
Hugs all!

[Gabyunbound]

I just finished the 2 week orientation at the my new job (in a hospital). The hospital is so huge and the layout such a chaotic maze (and me with no sense of direction) it's caused no end of anxiety. I see my colleagues, their relaxed demeanors, and am jealous and feel so so bad. It takes so much energy to hide anxiety -or the worst of it. And I'm exhausted. I feel down at work, because of all of this, and this is also so hard to hide.

I'm a Certified Spanish Medical Interpreter, so I interpret for Spanish-speaking patients all over the hospital, inpatients and outpatients.

I move on to per diem work now (I'm called in when needed and can refuse jobs if I want to, but I need to take as many as I can to make enough money) and it's scary. The money is in taking night and weekend shifts (where there's no one to help you, you're alone, no dispatcher or other interpreters, night interpreters work til 1:30am and weekend interpreters work 12-hour shifts. Both are responsible for the entire hospital). If I were to take these shifts it would be so nerve-wracking because I still don't know my way around, especially the ER, with it's 8 different areas, that don't make a lot of sense how they're laid out.

In short, I'm very very anxious and having a hard time hiding this from my co-workers and my boss. I feel so alone. I've even considered bringing Klonopin with me in case I need it, but it makes me a bit sleepy and I need to be wide awake...

I know this will get better with time, but I'm afraid of making terrible mistakes along the way. I've gotten lots of tours of the hospital and still have a very hard time finding my way around. I feel so bad. I feel stupid. My lack of sense of direction has come to bite me.

As has my back pain. I can't stand for very long without searing pain in my back. My last job, in California, was mostly outpatient so I could sit for much of the time. Not here. ER is pure standing as are inpatient encounters.

Sorry this is so long. The long and short of it, is my terrible anxiety and my ability to hide it. I wonder how others do it. It's so so hard. And it's starting to bring my mood down, more every day.

wow we have 20 now?

that's sorta cool.

I did my grocery shopping yesterday. of course, most of it was junkfood, but I can say i've done it (was meant to do it wednesday, so was really running out of stuff!)

not much else went on yesterday, besides the usual imsomnia.

mood is pretty good though and that continues today

[Naynay99]

Well I must have finally fallen asleep around 6, woke up around 1130.
Had some weird dreams that i can semi remember.
Feeling okay, but sort of lonely I think. I'm supposed to go to the boardwalk and listen to a concert from the beach (we don't have tix and didn't want to pay for them so this is the poor mans method of concert viewing). Not sure I want to. I should get up and make myself something good and healthy to eat but I know that there is a giant pile of dishes awaiting me in the kitchen that I don't feel like dealing with right now.

Anyhow, I was just thinking that I kind of miss a wavy life. I don't know how to just be content with fine. It is too dull or something. When depressed I will do anything just to feel okay. Fine would be fantastic. But now that I am not in a depression, I find fine is not enough. I want great. I want fuucking amazing.

Anyway, sending everybody who needs it a giant hug.
You people continue to awe me with your strength and ability to keep going through hell and making it out intact on the other side. Take care.

[bizi]

Was on the computer until 4;30am.....
Drank too much when I got home from trivia.
Hubby is gone until tuesday. I found some mariquana green buds he was hiding from me.
He is in colorado until tuesday. Hope he is not sneeking them thru security on his flight...., he could get caught.
sigh
bizi
I will google what a bud looks like....yep buds.
They smell awful!

[liveforsummer]

Holy crap at airport gonna board soon starting to feel panicky. Haven't felt that about flying in a while. S**t!

[bizi]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

Holy crap at airport gonna board soon starting to feel panicky. Haven't felt that about flying in a while. S**t!

Take some deep breaths, do you have some klonipin to take for anxiety?
good luck and sorry starting to feel panicky.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[porcelainboy]

I feel like I need to go IP again, I seriously don't feel like I'm going to be okay at my house for much longer but we can't afford it. We're already in crippling debt with medical bills from the past 6 years and my parents are preoccupied with my sister's mental health. With my parents it's one or the other of us, never both. So I have to choose: start an unintentional power struggle where my sister will make an effort to be "worse" than me, or let myself go without proper help?
I don't know if I can do this.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by porcelainboy

I feel like I need to go IP again, I seriously don't feel like I'm going to be okay at my house for much longer but we can't afford it. We're already in crippling debt with medical bills from the past 6 years and my parents are preoccupied with my sister's mental health. With my parents it's one or the other of us, never both. So I have to choose: start an unintentional power struggle where my sister will make an effort to be "worse" than me, or let myself go without proper help?
I don't know if I can do this.

I am sorry you are not well.
Get the help you need. YOu have to take care of yourself. Try not to worry about competition.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

Holy crap at airport gonna board soon starting to feel panicky. Haven't felt that about flying in a while. S**t!

I hope you are feeling more calm by now.

Big hugs,

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by porcelainboy

I feel like I need to go IP again, I seriously don't feel like I'm going to be okay at my house for much longer but we can't afford it. We're already in crippling debt with medical bills from the past 6 years and my parents are preoccupied with my sister's mental health. With my parents it's one or the other of us, never both. So I have to choose: start an unintentional power struggle where my sister will make an effort to be "worse" than me, or let myself go without proper help?
I don't know if I can do this.

Please take care of yourself, as you are the only one with the power to do so.
Public hospitals usually offer patience financial assistance to qualifying patients.
You can inquire about financial assistance programs at the hospital by asking the financial (patient accounts) office.

Please stay safe.

WC

[scatterbrained04]

Supposed to be getting stuff done today but just can't get motivated at all. Feeling kind of guilty about it too.

[gina_re]

Just realized I haven't showered since Tuesday, no wonder this blanket smells.
My mom hasn't contacted me so far today. I've become such a downer whenever I talk to her, I'm sure she can't be bothered with me now. My how tables have turned.
I've slept a good chunk of the day.
Debating whether or not to take some of these Vistaril pills I have left to put me back to sleep. I'm surprised they were never taken away from me. They were the reason why I was put in IP last year.
At least my uncle was nice enough to cut my cable back on the other day. Otherwise I'd really be off my rocker.

[Wild Coyote]

Still trying to tame the depression. Pdoc still adjusting meds. Trying to remain hopeful.

I hope everyone is having a pleasurable weekend.


WC

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Still trying to tame the depression. Pdoc still adjusting meds. Trying to remain hopeful.

I hope everyone is having a pleasurable weekend.


WC

Thank you...my daughter is in town. I hope you are having as lovely a weekend as you can considering your chemo shot. I really hope you can get a handle on your depression soon. I know how much you struggle. Thinking of you.

[Unrigged64072835]

Husband is sleeping off the Ativan for three hours now. Don't know when he'll wake up. I haven't made dinner yet and I may have to pick up my daughter from work. I may have leftovers and say screw it. His MRI went well. Hopefully we'll have the results by Monday. He's feeling better now.

I forgot to bring my laptop to the appointment so I didn't work on my essay. I may do it later tonight, or skip church tomorrow to catch up. I work better in the mornings so I may do that. I also need a shower but can't do that while he's sleeping.

Mood is jangled up but it's a situational thing. I'm debating whether to take classes next term because of the stress, but I still think I'll be okay.

[pirilin]

I'm trying to decide what antidepressant to take and I get no help. I've been on Paxil like a month or so, but I'm terrified tapering from it. Maybe I'll try prozac next??.

[Standup2me]

The sun shines on my skin
Warming me
Nurturing me
Making me feel alive
Making me feel loved
Thank you Earth Mother
I am your child

[porcelainboy]

I've got an apple chai candle burning, a thunderstorm ambiance track playing, and my fan running... it feels good.
I think not sleeping so much today has actually helped my mood. I now know that when I first wake up is when I need to actually get up, rather than falling back asleep.

[Naynay99]

I had a good day today hanging out on the boardwalk and listening to some bands play at a concert that we got to enjoy without having to buy tickets bc it was an outdoor stage.
Feeling pretty good, but worried I won't be able to sleep tonite. I am supposed to go to a water park with a friend and her kids tomorrow.

AnywY I hope everyone has a great rest of the weekend. TAke care.

[Victoria'smom]

I want to drink... fight... cut and destroy myself. If I drink I will cut which will lead to a hospital and all that mess. I'm trying to behave but it's getting hard. I wont drink, I don't have money for that. I can't fight it's not fair to my husband he's unwell. I can't cut because a hospital visit wont go well. I don't know if it's boredom or what. I don't think I'm depressed but my taste in music is really dark but upbeat. Maybe I'm becoming mixed or maybe I'm just ****ed up. I'm tired of convincing myself that I shouldn't do these things. Luckily I have no alcohol in my house. The school year is coming up and there will be a strong pull to attend and it'll spike my paranoia.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by pirilin

I'm trying to decide what antidepressant to take and I get no help. I've been on Paxil like a month or so, but I'm terrified tapering from it. Maybe I'll try prozac next??.

Prozac has helped me in combination with Wellbutrin. I hope you find something that works for you. Best wishes.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by porcelainboy

I've got an apple chai candle burning, a thunderstorm ambiance track playing, and my fan running... it feels good.
I think not sleeping so much today has actually helped my mood. I now know that when I first wake up is when I need to actually get up, rather than falling back asleep.

I tend to memorize those types of thing- ambiance CDs. Then it isn't so soothing anymore.

[bizi]

Going to a brunch this morning, missed the yoga section due to over sleeping set the alarm for pm instead of am. Guess yoga was not in the cards today.
I hope i can relax since there will be alot of people there that I don't know.
the brunch starts at 11am I think. leaving now in plenty of time to get there.
bizi