someone keeps shutting off the light at the end of my tunnel

I thought I was doing better, I guess my thoughts have been deceiving me. I started on my way out of depression, good I can finally be myself again, maybe....last time I went to the pdoc he said it sounded to him like I was manic. I had a med adjustment and kept on beeing busy,busy busy. Mind was always racing and was begining to feel on top of everything and was begining to get my life under control. Time goes by and I am getting extremely irritable, so everyone says.

I then receive a notice from my mortgage company saying the last two payment have been returned marked NSF wonderful!!! Only $4000.00 will take care of my balance. Went to the bank to hear there are only $1500.00 in overdraft fees on previous checks!!Even better. So I told my husband what I did, of course he was upset, not at me just the situation.

It was almost like a trigger that had gone off in my head and I went from being somewhat ok to completely psychotic. It took two full grown men to hold me down so I wouldn't hurt myself. I somehow managed to break dishes, cabinet doors, bedroom door, flush my pills...all of them, and hold a knife to my husbands and brothers throats.

Now my husband and brother managed to keep me safe to a point for over two hours until I started crying and finally calmed down and took his valium because I had nothing left. I went to sleep and they cleaned up my mess. The next day I ONLY REMEMBER ABOUT 20 MIN AOR AS TO WAHT HAPPENED that scares me, the whole thing scares me.They almost had called 911 to have me detained.

Anyways after I think I have calmed down I decided to write in my journal and realized 2 days prior to my freak out session i made a list of why I should live and why I should not, also were some poems, very dark scary poems, all of which I don't even remember writing. All of this happened so fast it was like i was looking at myself from outside my body saying what the hell are you doing and you need to snap out of it but i could not for the life of me stop.

I have had episodes before but never like this and never thought of ending my life. I am scared and feel completely ashamed of my actions both finanially and pysically. I am sorry for this beeing so long but i needed to get it out and i know that i will not be judged here. any suggestions to prevent this from happening again or how to deal with cleaning up the mess after would begreatly appreciated.--Jen

I am sorry for what you had to go through. Sounds like something I may have done in a svere manic rage. Unfortunatelty, I have no words of encougement at the moment, ( i just crawled out of bed), but I do hope that you start to feel better.

I am still toooooooo high!!!!! so to speak, can't concentrate, shaking, hearing things that are not there i guess it kind feels better then not having any ambition BUT I ALSO FEEL AS IF AT ANY TIME I could just snap again, stopped with the celexa cuz i was out dont know if it that or the whole manic crap what to do, what to do. GUESS ALL i CAN DO IS RIDE IT AND HOLD ON TIGHT. TRIED SOME soothing music and ended up listing to my rock/heavy metal collection. Just nervous because my last episode was last week and this is how it started. Ride it out and wait for the fall seems to be my motto lately. Everyone keeps telling me calm down I am to wound kind of like a top that just got spun!!!!! here we go. love ya all thanks for being there, glad to know someone uderstands even if i don't get many replys

I am so sorry that you are struggling so much. Would you consider going to your pdoc and telling them all that is happening? Considering the extreme behavior I think it is very important that you let them help you. I would hate to see you hurt yourself or someone else. Sometimes there is no waiting it out you just need to break the cycle. I hope you go find the help you need. Take care.

BB

Thanks,,,,I went to the doc today and he said I was severely manic. He started me on an "emergency" dose of seroquel--400 mg per day broken up through out the day. Thats up from 50 mg at night. I am still on 900 mg of lithium and still working my way up the ladder with the lamictil, still at 50mg of that. he also ordered me out of work until my next appointment fri afternoon, tells me to try to keep distance from my 'triggers'. Well being with no money is a trigger for me and cant--like most people--go without a paycheck for a whole week, especially after such a big financial hit last week. anyways hope all is well with everyone

I am new to this forum, but I read your posts and I can relate to how you must be feeling. However, I give you credit for at least being able to keep a job. I had to quit mine one year ago and now I await hearing date for my disability. That makes me feel so inadequate and as my husband points out, unproductive person. I have bp 1, but mostly depressed. It alternates between depression and hypomania and even in mixed states with rapid cycling my pdoc says. He said this is the most difficult to treat due to the nature of the illness. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can't offer you what I don't see. I am most probably in a hypomanic state now with depression on the side. They say not to give up so I try not to but I have had numerous psy hospitalizations in just the past two years, it's been around 6 and an additional 4 or 5 due to panic and anxiety attacks. I hope that things do get better for you as it will give me hope as well.

thank you for your comment. i was dx at 32 years old as bp2, generalized anxiety and ocd. after finally been honest with my pdoc i was redx with bp1 with psychotic features ( hearing voices. kind of sounds like a bad horror flick!!! this sounds even more scary, my job, is a school bus driver!!! But I have been doing it so long it is just part of my routine and really the only time i tend to block out everything but driving i feel ALMOST human during those 2 hours per day. Up until last episode(where it was so severe for me) did my husband finally realize i actually had an illness that i could not control.he just thought i had mood swings that we all had to adjust to.since he finally saw a glimps of what i have been going through he has been very supportive,understanding and generally concerned, which helps a little. i have now realized that i have dealt/hidden the fact that i needed help for atleast 12 years,but it just couldnt be hidden any longer it got worse.the dx was a year ago, iam now 33 and what ayear. I have never been hospitalized but is has been close. for you, I hope someone turns your light on,if mine comes on first i will run an extention cord to you!!!!good luck,keep in touch and if you want to pm me at any time feel free to---Jen

well....the jump in the serquel has made me so tired all week seems like all i have done is sleep,,,but pdoc said that is what it was suppose to do until the side effects wear off,,,it should be enough to knock me down a few notches and stop my manic feelings. so far so good..dont have the energy to do something stupid but i can still get stuff done around the house...i realize why i cant drive this week though!!!!! tryin to keep happy thoughts..

I have lived your pain and feel that horrible pit in my stomach as if it was happening again. I wish that I had gained some wisdom from the experience.

Is it possible perhaps for your husband to control the money until you are sure that these manic episodes are under control?

Could you run an extension cord from the light at the end of your tunnel to me, too? The title of your post touched me so deeply, the power of language is amazing....like reading a biography where good triumphs over evil during the course the author's lifetime...your post has lifted me up, and I need it....I have left my job and miss it terribly and am going through the same symptoms as you..... it is as if my mind is a picture now that is illustrated

oh yeah,,,,he did take over all of our finances, i no longer have a checkbook or debit card and all of my credit cards are maxed so i cant do any more damage then i have already done. i am allowed so much money per week for me and that is it!!! some people say that is hell and it is like being in prison,,,,,,i say thank god,,,i no longer have to deal/worry about money or messing up the finances,,,,,heaven to me, thank god.

he he he....I would gladly plug in anyone who needs the extra light,,,I am still trying to find it but think i am getting close i might see a splinter!!!! I am so happy that my post finally lifted someone!!! normally everyone is talking me of the edge so to speak. i have to keep thinking,,,,,,i have hit rock bottom there is no other place to go but up andit was easier to fall into the pit but it will take everything you have in you to crawl back out. sometimes it is hard to remember so i wrote it down where i would see it and got sick of seeing so i tore it up and through it away!!!!got to find another way of trying to get possitive thoughts in. anyways,,,,thank you, you made my day!!! goodluck and i will hollar to ya when the lightcomes on!!!---jen