[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Still struggling with depression.
Trying to find the right dose of Adderall. It takes some experimenting.

Love to All.

WC

Hang in there WC!!! Rooting for you as always!!

I am doing REALLY well. I had like a manic/cycling thing happening two days ago, but I am smart enough to realize that even though the Seroquel is working and I am doing everything I am supposed to do by eating and sleeping on time, I am NOT getting enough overall sleep. Some people can function with just 4-5 hours sleep, but as a person with bipolar, I KNOW I need more than to reset this manic mind. I decided that I am going to ask my pdoc for another Seroquel increase, (even though I absolutely HATE meds), but I NEED for it to knock me out harder so I can sleep more.

I have been coping by taking a Melatonin pill to FORCE a full 8 hour sleep, but it makes me SUPER groggy and slow the next day. I am hoping the new Seroquel med increase will do the job so I don't have to worry about taking the Melatonin anymore.

Guess what bipolar? I am onto you, and I am kicking your butt!!

[Nammu]

You're very wise lady shadow, it's hard to resist mania. Good job.

Everything around me overwhelms me, so I can't seem to stay positive, focused, or calm. My heightened anxiety kills me.

I think I might be depressed. I'm not eating, I feel like crying, I'm sleeping 10+ hours a day, I want to start over with a new life / clean slate, and I want to accomplish at least one meaningful thing today. I feel hopeless about this all.

Wouldn't it be nice to go back to being a baby and not carry any mental illness genes? Then you can grow up and live a "normal" life, hopefully without medical complications.

[Unrigged64072835]

Still down but feeling somewhat better. Did grocery shopping this afternoon. Unfortunately I bought some sugary snacks but the kids will find them and they'll be gone quickly. At least my husband can squirrel food in the basement. I don't even have the space in my home office to do that. But he bought Thin Mints for himself and my daughter. I need to eat more fruit but I can only eat so much and the rest gets wasted.

I have a headache and we're having snow showers still. Keep having to fill up the humidifiers because no one else will without me nagging them.

Wrote some poetry this morning and that helped. One was about a woman who was complaining about the price of a candy bar being a dollar when she remembered them being a quarter. Strange subject, but it works.

Kids are upstairs setting up a computer. My daughter wants one but they're building it from scratch. We'll see how this goes. Her boyfriend built a gaming computer but she's not working and doesn't want to go through her savings when she's trying to find a job.

I also cancelled my medical appt. I'll just wait until my doc is off maternity leave. I find it hard to be taken seriously with anybody else.

Mood will be better soon. I can only hope because I really don't want to change my meds again.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by Nammu

You're very wise lady shadow, it's hard to resist mania. Good job.

Thanks so much Nammu! You know, I have come to a point where I am ABSOLUTELY sick and tired of this nonsense you know? Just an endless merry-go-round of meds, meds, hospitalization after hospitalization, ten steps backwards, raging alcoholism straight to the bottom of a liquor bottle, till I fall into a hole of depression SO damn deep I want to end it all. God what a mess I have made of my life!! I FINALLY told myself ENOUGH is ENOUGH dammit! You know what I mean?

Yeah, the mania is great, I mean I am totally enjoying it, but I always know where it ends -straight to the floor of psych ward begging, PLEADING for them to stop giving me so many drugs! Uh-uh, not happening again, not by a longshot. I am kicking the crap outta this, and moving forward with my life.

I left the apartment today. It's been five, possibly six weeks. I actually walked to the bulk store for some stuff, and stopped in at the grocery store on the way back for more stuff.

I'm hoping to work up to getting out once each day, but, baby steps.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Tortie

I left the apartment today. It's been five, possibly six weeks. I actually walked to the bulk store for some stuff, and stopped in at the grocery store on the way back for more stuff.

I'm hoping to work up to getting out once each day, but, baby steps.

That's a good goal. I am working on getting out more, too.
Good for you!

WC

[Nammu]

Yup, lady shadow I know that merry go round! After a while the highs are just not worth the limit joy.

Good for you Tortie! Way to go. I once holded up in my apartment for months leaving only once a month at 2am ( in my paranoia that was a "safe" time) to pay rent and empty the garbage. I ate very little living on odd ends and bits from the freezer and canned goods.

[giddykitty]

I'm still feeling low today, but fight in it tooth and nail. After some self hate because I couldn't get myself outta bed this morning and then still didn't, well, somehow I finally did. I'm trying to stay moving...
But I'm still obsessive about checking things online now and that depresses me because nothing changes on those things and then I hate on myself for obsessively doing it even though I know it will just hurt me. I'm already on a FB break. Do I need to completely shut it down?! Sad thing is, when I do that, I'm just reminded how truly alone I really am. At least husband is home now, but I feel like crying or maybe even yelling to wake myself up, but I'm afraid to do it in front of him.
Good thing is, at least he's beginning to see the same patterns I'm seeing and that the meds aren't enough right now. Something needs fixing. Can I be fixed?? I guess the little doubt that I can't is kinda adding to my depression...but I felt better on antidepressants, so maybe there's still hope. Argh! Probably not what husband wants to hear, more meds, but he did say, "if it works" and d amnit, I wanna feel that good again! Just maybe wean off during the month to prevent manic side.
I'm so restless and yet scared too to see the pdoc. Well, I've said this already.

I saw my psychiatrist today and feel even worse afterwards. He didn't change anything about my meds and just simply said that I'm obviously having "mood lability" and "irritability". I was very irritable, even with him.

I had technical difficulties and had to re-install Windows. It took forever but things are working again, just not smoothly, just with hiccups. Such a bore and so upsetting.

[Tucson]

My stomach is in intense pain. Anxiety. Has been very difficult with my daughter. She said some bad things to me. No respect or consideration. She has been this way towards me for a couple years now. This time bothered me allot. I do not need this.

I am setting up a spendthrift trust for my daughter. Her mother and I saved everything we could from money that came from SS for her. She is the dependent of mine who also receives SSDI checks due to my disability. Now that she is 18, it is all her money. In Arizona, self-settled spendthrift trusts are not legal. This is where a person sets the trust up for themselves as the beneficiary. So I am going to have my daughter gift me all of that money. Then I can use it to set up the trust, since technically it is now my money. I will list her mother and I as trustees. We will set a date where she gets it all back, hopefully when she is much more mature with regards to money. She will receive a monthly check that she can spend any way she wants to. The rest of her money will be safe from any mishap with creditors.

I saw two dogs try to kill a smaller dog today. It was a terrible sight. They are kept all together by their owner. My daughter chased the two alpha dogs away. For now, it is all OK. But I do not think it is over for that smaller dog.

[Guiness187055]

Pretty good day today. I ditched the seroquel and feel so much more alive. I only slept 4 hours last night with out the seroquel but that's okay. I have been on the low side for so long I forgot what the high side feels like. I have to get new tires can only afford two at a time. I am getting them tomorrow. Have a great night.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

Pretty good day today. I ditched the seroquel and feel so much more alive. I only slept 4 hours last night with out the seroquel but that's okay. I have been on the low side for so long I forgot what the high side feels like. I have to get new tires can only afford two at a time. I am getting them tomorrow. Have a great night.

be careful, any one to help keep an eye on you?
bizi

[pirilin]

I'm good. Very good, thank you.

[xRavenx]

Grief issues are taking over. I can't get my mind off of the people that I miss. My thoughts just automatically go places that I can't control, and it happens even when I am being productive. I'm hoping this will pass, but it's painful.

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by bizi

be careful, any one to help keep an eye on you?
bizi

Yes I do...Thanks

[Pookyl]

Still manic but based on the occasional irritability I may be on the way down.
I feel like cutting out my AP and reducing one of my mood stabiliser. It seems like a good at the moment.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Pookyl

Still manic but based on the occasional irritability I may be on the way down.
I feel like cutting out my AP and reducing one of my mood stabiliser. It seems like a good at the moment.

Please don't do med changes on your own. discuss this with your pdoc.
bizi

[leomama]

Had a relatively good day at work, wasn’t happy about some things but that’s the way it goes.

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by bizi

Please don't do med changes on your own. discuss this with your pdoc.
bizi

Thanks Bizi.
I’m usually a goody-two-shoes even when manic partly because in a previous life I was a sensible healthcare professional, but now I’m craving fun. I know my meds are needed but I irrationally feel like they’re cramping my style.
I’m starting to feel a bit mixed. I’ll talk with my pdoc when I see her nxt Mon. I spoke to her on the phone yesterday and she said “under no circumstances are you to drop your Seroquel”.
Will try my best and behave with my meds. Got another piercing instead

[liveforsummer]

Rough morning, head pounding, unmotivated, ate lunch an hour ago and still haven’t moved from the table. Ok I think I’ll stick a smile on my face and think of an errand or two I can do. Between that and going back to bed I’m thinking it’s the better of the two choices.

Have a good one!!

[hopeless2015]

ANYTHING that could go wrong has gone wrong today. I'm not exaggerating either, it's bad!!

HUGS to everyone

[Wild Coyote]

Struggling.

Love to all.

WC

[Cocosurviving]

I received a $200 bill from my therapist office. I immediately called the business office to find out what was going out. I received voice mail. I left a message. Today I received a return call letting me know it was a mistake and to disregard it. I was trying to take it easy but I was just going to have to make a payment arrangement. I asked up front how much everything would cost me. Well now I’m happy. Mistakes do happen