[willowtree32]

Hi,
I am new to this forum and have decided to post because I'm scared and I don't understand myself or anything that has happened.

I am 31, and I am just starting to gain insight Into my behaviour, my feelings and my emotional reactions.

I am not diagnosed, and am currsntky going through the testing process.

I believe I have been bipolar my whole life. It has greatly affected my work, schooling, friendships and relationships. I always thought I was crazy, I would have these swings of moods, at first really happy, confident and ambitious, and then all of a sudden I would be very irritable, angry or sad and depressed.

I would pick fights with boyfriends, and sometimes I would errupt in a violent anger if I felt unjustly ignored or that they didn't care. I would rage for hours, until I got tired and then would come down and regret everything I had said and done.

This past year I hit an all time low, which is why I'm writing on here and getting tested. My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up, and I tried everything to get him back. I was devastated. After he left I was a shell of a person for a long time. I fell into a depressed state. I met another man, who I slept with and then got pregnant. I had an abortion, began stealing from my friends, and lying to everyone.

This whole time I felt like me, but not like me. Like I was floating above my own body and watching all of this.

Is this normal?? I have felt like one been crazy my whole life, but just chalked it up to I'm just a really passionate person, and that it's in my nature. I'm so confused, scared, and ashamed. My friends have dropped me and I'm left to rebuild and understand why I do the things I do. I never feel like I'm manic u til after and then I think wow why did I do that.

Can somebody please tell me if they have experienced anything similar

[Tucson]

Does the anger show up when being rejected or ignored? I am talking about your own own perception here. This may not be actually happening but you still feel these things are happening. There also just seems to be some codependent behavior involved. I say this because this is where I was when much younger, closer to your age. No judgement here. I also am not a pdoc or tdoc. So I can be way off here. But who knows?

Please do not be hard on yourself like this. Do not feel ashamed. Being confused is not necessarily a bad place for you to be at the moment. As a result, you are questioning the reasons of your behavior, and open to other possibilities. This can bring you enlightenment with some help. JMHO

[willowtree32]

@tucson yes its when I feel rejected/abandoned. Definitely co dependency going on as well. It's almost as though I cannot control my reaction.

[Tucson]

You posted as I was adding to my reply. You may have missed the most important part to my amended reply, starting with “please do not be hard on yourself”.

[willowtree32]

@tucson

Sorry I'm messaging from my mobile do it a a little slow. Thanks for your reply. I always feel we are the hardest on ourselves. And when you are ashamed of our behaviours, it's hard not to wallow in that and make ourselves feel worse. I appreciate the support and it means so much that even though I'm a stranger, it helps me feel like I'm understood and not a bad person.

[Row Jimmy]

You sound just like me. I've probably been bipolar my whole life. I went through 20+ years of self destruction that affected my marriage, my family, and my employment. I, too, used to chalk up my behavior to "just being me" or "being driven makes me successful". But I could never sustain the drive - I'd crash into a brick wall and then do something abnormal like trash my garage. Add in alcohol and drugs and I was very unpredictable and unstable for a long time. Then I threw a lawn chair at my mother and my dad encouraged me to get help.

There's nothing to be concerned about - for me, getting a diagnosis was freedom. Now I know where my focus needs to be. On me. And I build from here. I'm not much of a "things could be worse" kind of guy, but I do believe my life would be much worse if I didn't get help. I simply restructured, focused on things that bring me joy and make me better, and work at it every day. I struggle with awareness and sort of zombie my way through a few days here and there, but I know I have some challenges and I work at getting better. There's a humility to being BP that gives me some peace. I don't have to charge around anymore like a maniac. But I'm not quite done since I still have my moments.........the good news is if we fall, we can get back up quickly, unlike someone who might struggle with substance abuse. That's the "blessing" of BP, if you will.

One thing that absolutely works for me - I don't give a bleep what people think of me. I never really have, BP or not. Of course, I needed to make some changes like kicking booze and dope, but I take this approach because I refuse to be self-conscious about who I am. That will eat me up inside and I'll *never* reach the standard that other people independently set for me. I'm just me, no more no less.

Good for you for seeking answers! That is a brave thing, so be sure to give yourself credit. You are on the road to improving your life, and that is exciting!

I can't honestly say that I've experienced anything similar, but, if I may, what you describe sounds more like borderline than bipolar. Of course we can't dx or anything, just an impression, what with so much revolving around relationships, "abandonment" and the sudden "on-a-dime" type mood turns. Regardless, it sounds like you might find DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) helpful in navigating. Have you heard of it? A lot of people have found it really helpful when they feel their emotions control their lives overly-much/cannot control reactions, as you mention. For whatever reason that is occurring.

Like Tucson said, please do not be too hard on yourself. You are being wise. You are seeking answers. You are seeking a better way. We can't change what is water under the bridge, only use it to understand and go forward.

Best wishes! Keep us posted how it's going, ok?

[willowtree32]

@Row Jimmy,

You sound so confident and clear about who you are. It's wonderful that you are at that point. I feel I have done things inside that at the time are justified, and then later on I regret them or feel horrible. I guess the one difference is that I DO care what others think. I lost my 3 closest friends. I know what I did was wrong. But apart of me is also hurt that none of them have reached out to say "dude wtf were you thinking", or "what's wrong with you", or anything like that. Not trying to say woe is me, but I have a big heart underneath all.of this mess. So if I **** up or do something bad, I feel I'm always held to a different standard then anybody else. I guess I'm having a hard time just understanding and coming to terms with all of it. I just know that if it was one of my friends, I would yes be angry, but also concerned and compassionate. I'm feeling very bad and self conscious. I just don't know if that's "normal" or not

[willowtree32]

@innerzone

Thanks for the reply. I have looked into that as well. The behaviour in itself I feel is just not me.....and so when I do things like that or act how I don't really want to, it's compulsive and just doesn't feel like me at all. Its hard not to be down on yourself.

Thanks for your well wishes

[Nola0250]

I can absolutely relate to your story. I have tended to direct my destructiveness inward rather than outward for the most part (though not always able to) so though I have destroyed some relatioinships, I've been lucky enough to keep a number of important ones. But what you describe sounds pretty bipolar to me. Only time and full evaluation will tell. But whatever the problem, there IS help.

Full self-examination is always painful, but always worth it. And you will have friends here.

[Tucson]

I was “thin skinned” myself, but to a large extent, I have dealt with this. I still have my episodes, for lack of a better term. They come and go. But they last for weeks or a bit longer than that. When this happens, I am distraught over the consequences. I remember being able to rip someone with a new azzhole. This was job related. Even though I am much more able to do this for a company, I have had many more problems doing this for myself. Go figure.

[willowtree32]

@tucson
I think it's natural to have problems like that for yourself. Bipolar or not. I'm having a hard time with forgivness and watching myself from making the same mistakes again. Trying to co trip my impulses Nd being very careful. It just sucks being on this side of the consequences when you don't really mean to hurt anybody.

[willowtree32]

@Nola0250

Thanks for your support. I am having trouble right now with trying to figure out who I am vrs is this an illness? Why do I do the things I do? I know in my heart I am not a bad person. It's hard looking I to the mirror and being very genuine with yourself and saying "you may have a mental illness"

I struggle with accepting this but also know that if it is the case then I could be on my way to healing more then I could if I resist. I don't want to have damaged relationships. Its a very thin line, being open about it, because I also don't want to be judged or looked at as if I am crazy. It has been a rough year and It feels as though it is not over yet. Hopefully I can gain some insight and it feels good to talk to people on here about it. I feel less crazy.

[Row Jimmy]

Originally Posted by willowtree32

@Row Jimmy,

You sound so confident and clear about who you are. It's wonderful that you are at that point. I feel I have done things inside that at the time are justified, and then later on I regret them or feel horrible. I guess the one difference is that I DO care what others think. I lost my 3 closest friends. I know what I did was wrong. But apart of me is also hurt that none of them have reached out to say "dude wtf were you thinking", or "what's wrong with you", or anything like that. Not trying to say woe is me, but I have a big heart underneath all.of this mess. So if I **** up or do something bad, I feel I'm always held to a different standard then anybody else. I guess I'm having a hard time just understanding and coming to terms with all of it. I just know that if it was one of my friends, I would yes be angry, but also concerned and compassionate. I'm feeling very bad and self conscious. I just don't know if that's "normal" or not

I left my old "friends" behind without any guilt. They don't live the life I want to lead so I moved on. They were bad for me so I went and forged my own path. I don't necessarily have a clear vision of myself, but I have an annoying quality of being able to compartmentalize most things in my life.

Consider this - things change but the past does not. You can move on.......I think we always give too much weight to what people think of us. We forget that they live complex lives just like us and their thoughts relative to us might only be a small fraction of their day. In other words, we're probably not as important as we think we are. And sometimes, their vision of friendship is different than ours. Sometimes, friends are just party buddies. Other times, we expect them to help us and they don't. I'm sure my old friends barely think of me these days.

[Nola0250]

Originally Posted by willowtree32

@Nola0250

Thanks for your support. I am having trouble right now with trying to figure out who I am vrs is this an illness? Why do I do the things I do? I know in my heart I am not a bad person. It's hard looking I to the mirror and being very genuine with yourself and saying "you may have a mental illness"

I struggle with accepting this but also know that if it is the case then I could be on my way to healing more then I could if I resist. I don't want to have damaged relationships. Its a very thin line, being open about it, because I also don't want to be judged or looked at as if I am crazy. It has been a rough year and It feels as though it is not over yet. Hopefully I can gain some insight and it feels good to talk to people on here about it. I feel less crazy.

I could have written your reply a few months ago! I was just diagnosed (late 40's) and felt a lot of optimism - like, there's HELP for this?! And there have been frustrations and setbacks, but I am improving. You will too. At first I was so excited to have some kind of answer, that I wanted to tell everyone. I held back and I'm so glad I did. I only told a few close people and one of them I regret telling. She won't spread it around, but I know it makes her uncomfortable and I think she wishes she didn't know. There's a lot of judgement out there. But not on this forum!

[willowtree32]

Originally Posted by Row Jimmy

I left my old "friends" behind without any guilt. They don't live the life I want to lead so I moved on. They were bad for me so I went and forged my own path. I don't necessarily have a clear vision of myself, but I have an annoying quality of being able to compartmentalize most things in my life.

Consider this - things change but the past does not. You can move on.......I think we always give too much weight to what people think of us. We forget that they live complex lives just like us and their thoughts relative to us might only be a small fraction of their day. In other words, we're probably not as important as we think we are. And sometimes, their vision of friendship is different than ours. Sometimes, friends are just party buddies. Other times, we expect them to help us and they don't. I'm sure my old friends barely think of me these days.

It's true.....I feel people loosing friends is natural and apart of life. I think my biggest thing is the guilt and shame I carry within my actions. It's more what they think of me then loosing them I'm really feeling. It's a painful process. I just don't want to run into any of them. They are this big group of people and I am, well alone. I am fortunate to have other friends which is great, but this was my main crew and some of them I have known for 20 years. I feel a huge diasconnect with them though, like none of them really ever understood me or knew me. Its strange. The people I am friends with now know me and love me for who Ivan now and don't judge me for things that may have happened 20,15,10,5 years ago.

I guess it's just something I have to go through. I think I have to work on forgivness for myself. It's rough. We are always harder on ourselves. I know when I come.down from a certain state, I look around me and people are often mad at me. And I don't understand why.

[willowtree32]

Originally Posted by Nola0250

I could have written your reply a few months ago! I was just diagnosed (late 40's) and felt a lot of optimism - like, there's HELP for this?! And there have been frustrations and setbacks, but I am improving. You will too. At first I was so excited to have some kind of answer, that I wanted to tell everyone. I held back and I'm so glad I did. I only told a few close people and one of them I regret telling. She won't spread it around, but I know it makes her uncomfortable and I think she wishes she didn't know. There's a lot of judgement out there. But not on this forum!

Yes I am feeling the same right now. A lot of my good friends have been questioning what's going on with me and I don't want to tell them. I don't want anybody knowing. It's almkst like once it's out its out. And nothing you can do will ever change them looking at you differently. Right now a lot of my old friends look at me like I'm a liar or deceitful, or my behaviour has been all over the place and I'm fake. It's just simply not true. And I don't think I can say anything that will help anybody understand. And I'm not sure I even want them too!!!

I feel like nobody reached out to see wtf was going on with me. Like why I acted in certain ways and if I was OK. So that says a lot. I dint want to make anybody uncomfortable or have anybody look at me differently. And I'm just trying to process this all myself right now too.

[pirilin]

You need to find friends and family that don't care about it. I'm not understood 70% of the time, and I, my friend, don't care either.

[Leia78]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Good for you for seeking answers! That is a brave thing, so be sure to give yourself credit. You are on the road to improving your life, and that is exciting!

I can't honestly say that I've experienced anything similar, but, if I may, what you describe sounds more like borderline than bipolar. Of course we can't dx or anything, just an impression, what with so much revolving around relationships, "abandonment" and the sudden "on-a-dime" type mood turns. Regardless, it sounds like you might find DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) helpful in navigating. Have you heard of it? A lot of people have found it really helpful when they feel their emotions control their lives overly-much/cannot control reactions, as you mention. For whatever reason that is occurring.

Like Tucson said, please do not be too hard on yourself. You are being wise. You are seeking answers. You are seeking a better way. We can't change what is water under the bridge, only use it to understand and go forward.

Best wishes! Keep us posted how it's going, ok?

I was thinking the same thing as Innerzone. I'm not qualified to diagnose you, either but from all I've read it does sound like borderline.

Be gentle with yourself and don't believe that you are a bad person or you should be ashamed. Everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over them.

[CloserToTheMid]

"Like I was floating above my own body and watching all of this" - Willowtree32

Yes. In my mania, I felt like this. I was so detached that I could easily do things without caring about the consequences. I might have been deemed a sociopath at the time, but after medical and psychological treatment I'm quite the opposite. I'm a damn sweet guy who cares for people deeply ;-). That's who I really am. I'm not crazy...my crazed behavior was just something that happened to my brain that needed correction with medical treatment.

I do relate to your story quite a bit, but I don't see my illness as something I've experienced all of my life. It came on later in life. I do have a personality that just is what it is no matter what drugs I take and it's not a bad personality at all, but the "craziness" is gone.

I will not guess if you have a mental illness or a personality disorder or anything, but I suspect there is help and support for you, here and elsewhere.

[bizi]

just wanted to reach out to you.
(((((HUGS)))))
This is hard work that you are doing,
You are worthy of this effort.
bizi