An Audi TT

I was on the computer.
I was probably crestfallen
After I was rebuffed
By a boy I knew outwith.
And his friend.
There was only room
For two on the see saw.
So of course they would
Say there's no room.
Rejection is hard on a kid.
But boys will be boys.
From mars and venus.
I asked my mum to
Pleat my hair and she
Looked at like I was
From another planet.
I never threw myself
In headfirst, I was
Feminine in that respect. Cautious.
I needed some coaxing.
Away to do the jigsaw.
Even back then kids
Never had patience
For things like puzzles.
I was the only one
Who ever solved the
Extra problem solver
In the maths books,
When the teacher asked.
I was steadfast when,
I was positive of the answer.
I remember being absorbed
In my colouring book.
And I think a boy
Got frustrated trying
To keep up with me so
He scribbled over
His entire work book.
And the teacher
Took him aside.
I remember he was
One of the only boys
With wavy almost curly hair.
My hair was straight
Not a sign of a kink.
Then it changed.
It is the way it is.

I remember a girl tugged
My hair tightly and I spun
Around and gave them
A chinese burn. I was
Sent out of class. I
Apologised for making
Them cry. I didn't
Want to be a roughian.
I actually found patticake
A bit tricky. I did
Not like singing
On my own. I was
Hopeless at the hula hoop.
I was ok at skipping.
Helicopter. Helicopter.
Quite liked yo-yo's.
I loved jumping
The gaps and balancing
On the walls. Making
Slides in winter.
Skating went against my grain.
I was neurotic and fearful.
Skating and gymnastics
Amazed me because
They were so free flowing.
And there was an element
Of risks. I remember
A friends dad built a ramp.
And I did it on my bike
But I slipped off the seat
And narrowly missed
The bar. I would have
Had another go if it
Were not for the detail
They went into after
Laughing like a hyena,
When I never injured myself
Or fell off. It was
A sound attempt.
I was like most young girls
If I got encouragement
I would try something,
A calculated risk.

I was taught it was rude
To eat treats without
Offering people. If you
Sat and ate something
And someone next
To you was not you
Would offer them.
So the winders was
Just an ice breaker.
I was a bit shy.
When someone offered
Me a polo years
Later, I thought that
They must be from
"Around dis here parts" too.
It had been many years
Since I stumbled
On such good etiquette.
And I missed it.
At my old work
They never once asked
Me if I wanted anything
From the take out
At lunchtime. And
Manners at the supermarket
We're regarded in
High suspicion. I was
At constant war with
Trying to be outgoing
And being courteous
And not upsetting people.
I went over the mark
When I said that my
Co-worker was not off sick,
He was "grounded" for
Taking home a girl
Who was only fifteen.
He apparently snogged
A sixteen year old
In one of the clubs.
But I knew my pal
Would get the joke.
And he kept kicking
The back of my knees
When I was working
On the shop floor
And I almost fell
Over more than once.
I was a little p^ssed
At his childishness.
I really believed that
Good guys finished last.
And filling the silence,
Is not a smart move.
It normally ends in disaster.
Or you are misjudged.

I shaved all the time.
I had to seeing as I was sporty.
When the girls spoke
About shaving it was
Just routine to me.
I cut my ankle once
Before martial arts
And had to sit out
As it would not stop
And a plaster did not help.
I never took P.E. because
I did not have room
For a soft option
On my time table.
And art was no skive to me.
My two pals would
Sit and act like two thieves
And everyone actually
Began to get annoyed
When they realised
That it took concentration
And focus to produce
A good project. And
Wished they would
Zip it for a while.
One girl said I did not
Need pencil to outline
I just knew what to do.
My blood father gave
Me some tips on
How to paint. We
Played upword scrabble.
He bought me filofax
As well as comics.
The shop was on
The way home and
He was a chain smoker.
So he would throw
Me some crisp and sweets
To take home like
You appreciate as
A young bairn.
And David would
Greet me with "oh look
The simpleton arrives ..
She is chuffed to bits
With a poxy bag of crisps!"
And I would go
Straight to my room
To hide I was on the
Verge of tears. And
He would shout after me.
Brainwashed! Army tactics.
Get a mind of your ane,
Before he brainwashes you.
And it is hard to separate
The hurt from anger.
And I was forced
Into an uncompromising position
Where I had to sit
On the fence and
Not take sides. If
My parents were good
Parents I might have
Never tried to get
To know my blood father.
And I am sorry
For my comment.
But I got my wires crossed.
My father may have
Been a broken man
In his spirit. But he
Thought better late
Than never. And my
Mum was at fault too.
She made it impossible
For amicable dealings.
For all I know my father
Had wanted access for years.
Maybe he felt inadequate
For not having worked
Due to ill health.
But I read too many
Memoirs from people who
Had similar struggles
As me and the first
Question everyone asks
Is of abuse of that nature.
I am sincerely sorry.
For even considering it.
But I had to.
I had to rule out
All the possibilities.
Sorry I never lived
Up to your expectations.

Laura doesn't drink much
But when she does she
Can drink like a fish.
My red head friend joked.
My friends were not
Exactly well off.
And one time two
Men took a shine to us
And sat at our table.
I was just underage
Only been out
A handful of times.
It was early on in
The evening and the
Pub was quiet. The
One speaking to me
Was the oldest son
Of the bar owner.
He bought me about
Six drinks before my
Pal announced we were
Needed elsewhere and
I did not give the man
My number while my pal
Drags me out the pub
And says it's part of the Fun.
I felt a bit cheap that I
Let him buy me drinks,
Then took off without
Even giving him my number.
I felt like a mooch and was a,
Bit ashamed of my etiquette.
Swindling drinks then
Leaving him high and dry.
Not ladylike whatsoever.
When I was at a boyfriends
His parents gave me
Two four pack of breezers.
We went to watch bands
Playing at the hall in his village.
And at breakfast they
Said that I must have
Shared them at the party
Seeing as there was eight.
I drank them all. Plus more.
So I lied about the
Amount I drank .

I took a seasonal job.
I was determined to
Dig my heels in for
Three months so I could
Go on a holiday.
But one person had
Me ear marked from
The get go and when
I found that one line
Was fast and furious,
She said : too much like
Hard work for you.
Implying I was snooty,
And too privileged
To get my hands dirty,
Not that I could
Not hack the pace.
I got one pay check,
Thinking only two more
And I'll keep my eyes
Peeled for something
More permanent as
They cooled down
After calling me the slur
That you cannot top.
And I knew it was
Her own insecurities.
She did not have
A boyfriend and the job
Was hardly desirable.
She came accross as
Territorial, like I was
On her turf. A boy
Who was cordial to
Me changed his tune
When he got closer
To this one insecure girl.
And I decided I was
Too long in the tooth
To put up with such pettiness.
As much as I could
Have used a holiday
I would not stay somewhere
I was unwanted and
I would have had to
Complete the three
Month trial before requesting
A transfer to one
Of the other areas.
My dear mum automatically
Assumed it was one of
Employees of Polish or Portuguese descent.
I had to correct dear ol' mum
And told her it was a local,
Indigenous girl - born and brought
Up in the area, this country.
I grew up hearing racist
And homophobic slurs
And I recieved a punishment
Exercise for saying indirectly
To someone: are you a poof?
But I was 13 years old not 23.
I am so glad I have
A growth mind set.
But there are some things
I will always stick to my guns with.

I can tell you what
I did with the certificate
I put it in water
Until all the ink was
Blotted, dissolved and illegible.
Then put it down the sink,
In tiny mashed up parts.
Rendering it unsalvageable
And completely destroyed.

Dinna fix it. Cher
Sang it best.
I guess I did
Cheat emotionally.

Why did Fred not get
Mad that his colleague
Was suggesting that
His girlfriend was a hussy?
Fred was the one who
Nearly broke it off
When we first started
Dating because that
Area hit a lull.
I wanted a break,
But Fred said, no,
I can't speak as friends,
I would want more.
All or nothing.
Hats off for his honesty.
If Fred was so ;
"Quick with comebacks."
Then he could have
At least joked:
Steady on, my
Bit of stuff is not
Some kind of nympho.
Fred could not admit
That he was tired,
So instead he let
His wife beater colleague
Believe it was
His "bit of stuff."
Just say no some nights.
It was me who
Would spurn Fred
Before it even got
Off the ground.

Sending many hugs to you, Balthascar810

I should not have
Needed to go back
To rehab after
The first instance.
It was my life
And the people in
It who tipped the scales
Against me. If
Fred had announced
He wanted to hold
A meeting, my parents
Would have told him
To take me to
The clinic himself.
I was not their
"Problem" anymore.
So I knew that
His threats were
Empty threats, he
Just knew if he
Brought up the hospital,
It would send
My mind reeling.
And if he did
Force me up
To the clinic,
They probably would
Not even have
Admitted me, at all.
They would have
Saw me as an
Out patient. But
Fred was so tied
Up in himself,
He did not consider
The implications of
Me being admitted
And my sick note
Would reveal I
Was not just
In hospital but in
The psychiatric wing.
And I would have
Lost my job.
The only time
Fred should have
Contacted my parents
Without me knowing
Was to ask for
Permission to get married.
Why could my life
Just not be normal
For five minutes.

You won't ever have
A stressful job now,
You can be my housewife.
You will never get
Your book published,
What makes you
So special?

Who has to be the best
At everything after long pause.
I was not the only one in the team.
A shower or bath
Was the only way
To wash their hair.
Bending forward would
Lead to a dizzy spell.
The contract went
To a private company.
This one was too rigid.
Testing if I was black eyed peas.
Hours between shifts
According to employment law.
How did they find out
About that six years ago?
I was leaving. Something
Concrete was a perfect cover.
Big black boots. Long brown hair.

You were not the only one
Who thought Fred would
Not continue to see me.
You were, however the
Only person who went
Straight in for the kill
And said: nobody
Will think bad of you
If you left her, do you
Think you can handle
What everyone will say
About her being in there
I guess Fred and I were
Young, that is one reason
In your defence.
Plenty of time to
Find someone else.
Why stand by me,
When there was
The world and your
Whole life ahead of you.
I was never your
Greatest admirer.
I was easy on the eye at best
And I was not funny.
You thought you were saying
What he wanted to hear.
Some of Fred's friends
Probably agreed with you
But they would never
Have dreamed of doing
It the way you did.
They encouraged him
To try and pull while
On holiday when drinking.
I was damaged goods now.
Speak to some girls
And find out what
You are missing.
I never thought Fred
Would stay either!
My parents said they
Would not blame him
For running a mile
But they did not
Go the depths you did.
I was never angry.
I was just hurt that
You did not give one
Reason for Fred to stay.
Plain and simple: leave.
Did you even ask about
Me from a concerned angle,
Such as when will I be
Get home and was
I getting any better?
No I do not think you did.
And you told my mum
What she wanted to hear.
You spoke about me
Like I was a complete
Lost cause but she lapped
It all up, when you
Said what a shame
What a waste...of talent.
I can see you adding, talent
To correct your blunder.
Since a psych record
Is enough to scare
Away many people
And does limit your
Options in everything
From your job to
Friends that you keep or make.
I was never the talented
One anyway. Who were
You trying to kid?

Go to uni. GO to uni.
You can..chill he says
And imitates smoking.
Why would I get myself
In debt so I could
Lounge around getting
Stoned all day
And pi^sed up at weekends.
I wanted a chance
At having a better life.
I wanted a career.
And I would have needed
To work at the weekend
And during holidays
Unlike him because
My parents would not
Subsidise my future.
They would bail me
Out of a sticky spot.
They never gave my
Younger sibling a deposit
For a car when he
Secured his apprenticeship
So what were the chances
They would have made
Life easier for me back then
When I was eighteen?
They became more
Financially comfortable by
The time I moved
In with Fred. Things change.
When I looked into
Getting a bursary at
The local College
My household income
I.e. my parents pay
Was too high for
Me to qualify for much
Of a bursary.
I was always
Falling through cracks.

Go to uni. GO to uni.
You can..chill he says
And imitates smoking.
Why would I get myself
In debt so I could
Lounge around getting
Stoned all day.
Then end up letting
My studying fall
By the wayside.
Study, work and party.
I couldn't have
All The cake.
I would have needed
To work at the weekend
And during holidays
Unlike him because
My parents would not
Subsidise my future.
They would bail me
Out of a sticky spot.
They never gave my
Younger sibling a deposit
For a car when he
Secured his apprenticeship
So what were the chances
They would have made
Life easier for me back then
When I was eighteen?
I would not have been mad
If my parents loaned money
To my sibling for a car
Which he would pay back
In instalments because
He had a good job. I never.
David had money to
Pin back his ears
For crying out loud.
They became more
Financially comfortable by
The time I moved
In with Fred. Things change.
When I looked into
Getting a bursary at
The local College
After the rehab stay, I found
My household income
I.e. my parents pay
Was too high for
Me to qualify for much
If ANY of a bursary.
I was always
Falling through cracks.

What is better than a
Sing along with friends
Or your family.
Singing G Ezra.
Singing Paulo Nutini.
Singing Whitney, Cher,
Mariah, Madonna, Amy
Winehouse simply because
They are legendary
And time less.
Be charismatic. Don't play
It safe. Be happy go lucky.
Take a chance. Make
A fool of yourself,
To cheer someone up.
It is just fun.
Do something that
Scares you, not everyday
But once in a while
So you feel alive.

I was still drunk
I had more than
The pal who
Ignored me on bus.
I decided I would
Practice "breaking my fall."
Like I had been
Doing at the gym.
And of course Freds
Cousin accused me
Of attention seeking.
And I said I am doing judo.
And she said no
Whatever, whatever....
I'm a lumberjack
And I'm all right
I work all day
And I sleep all night.
She really could
Have choked on
Her own vomit.
And I really would
Have put my head
Around the door.
But she must
Have stood up
To try and get
Changed and fell
Onto the floor.

Fred was wrong with
His transference theory.
He was completely wrong.
His dad walloped him
As a youngster too.
I was scared, of their
Authority but as I
Got older I was
Just angry that they
Were so selfish.
Parents normally give
Up something for
Their kids but mine
Made me feel guilty
For being born.
My ol' dear would tell
Anyone who would listen
Never have kids
If you get the option.
Especially girls even
When I was there.
The only reason girls
Are apparently more difficult
Is because they are
More vulnerable. A guy
Can walk away
From a pregnancy
Take no responsibility.
Boys have more freedom
That's just how
The world operates.
My grand parents
Knew I was a good kid.
I would go as far to
Say my Grandad was
Proud of me or
Hopeful that I would
Graduate and get
A real job or career.
My Grandfather was
Orphaned at a young age
And everyone who knew
Him, knew he thought
The world of his
Four grandchildren.
And I let him down.
He always asked
About my love life
As an affectionate joke.
They never needed
To ask if I was behaving.
I used a karate kick
Back at David once
And he felt it.
I hated the effect it had.
Made me feel that
It was me who over
Stepped the line.
David was tough on
Paul as well as me.
They were far too strict,
But David explained
About his up bringing
Not having good football
Shoes so he would
Rather not play than
Be made fun of.
He was candid and truthful.
Unlike my father
All he did was lie.
Why was I half way
Through primary when
He reared his head?
Did it take him seven
Years to get over
The fact that he
Never came to see
Me being born
Because I was not
A boy liked he hoped for?
He was not working
And had nothing
Else better to do
Than up root my life?
If he had moved on,
He never would have
Bothered with me.
If he were wounded
In war then he would
Have been a veteran.
But his own comrades
Shattered his leg
And since he was
Up for promotion
It was no accident
Playing football, it
Was planned or pre-meditated.
It's a sad story. Sadder
Because he wanted
Stay in the army.
His depression affected
My life too. He never
Paid child maintenance
So put strain on
My ol'mum and David aswell.
By doing nothing
He affected everything.
I had to suffer because
He paid no maintenance.
He just smoked, and
Moped around feeling
Sorry for himself.
My lunch money
Was limited because
It was my fathers fault.
Boys need more.
But I think it more
My ol'dears other quip:
Ask your father
For the money.
Which was cruel
To do to a youngster.
I was your daughter
And I would pay
The price for it. For you.
Doing nothing. No money.
My father was more
Self centred than
David and my ol'dear
When it all boils
Down to it. They
Would be ok with
Any way I earned a living
As long as I was
Healthy and sort of happy.
But not my father.
He never expressed
Any remorse over
Not being able to
Support his only kid.
I am a living breathing
Entity that needed
Food, clothes and somewhere
Warm and safe. I spent
My youth feeling numb,
Unloved, quite lonely and
Wondering why I did
Things for others and
Never receiving much
In return. What can
I do to receive a bit
Of love and peace
With no conditions attached?

Fred could have said
I did not owe him for staying.
That he wanted to stay
Because we were
Good together.
He did not seem to get
That complimenting his
Girlfriend did not
Make him less manly.
In the early days
We would laugh when
He said his head
Felt "tingley" after
Using original source.
He couldn't drive
Around like a boy racer
Forever. But I think
He must have came
To blows with someone
On the holiday in Bulgaria.
I wanted nothing more
Than for him to
Have friends to go
To the pub with.
But he was a quiet guy.
And despite the fighting
He was well liked
And he spoke away
When we were out
All the time. We
Did not cower in the corner.
I did not know why
It was so hard for him.
I may as well have had
I am an ex mental screwball
Handle with care
Hanging on a necklace.
When I went to
College I asked why
He did not go out
For a pint or drive
To the gym Instead
Of brooding infront
Of the Telly?

When I said using
It was snow.
I did hit the roof.
Of course I would
Have said it was
Unfair on me,
Because I never
Had a savings account.
It was that simple.
But if getting a car
Would have kept
Paul away from
All that and he
Only went out
At weekends instead
Of the benders
He went on, then I
Would have came to
Terms with it.
I felt bad when
I thought about
It later because
My parents gave
Me a substantial
Amount of funding
For me and Freds place.
And Paul really
Wanted a car.
He passed his test
And was a young loon.
He bought a car
That was only fit
For the scrap yard
And My dad's friend
Said that it was
Dangerous and not
Road worthy but
My parents never
Took the hint.

When you make us
Sandwiches spread the butter
Right to the very edge
On both sides. She
Was mad as a hatter.
I think there is two
Diazepam in there:
Oh no I will end up
Back in hospital. No!
Let me check.
No it is just like
The sheet says.
There is no mistake.
Six and two threes.
Never heard that before.
Powdered tea. Why
Not tea bags?
I did not put
Enough in the first time.
Then the train
Sees I have put
The milk in first
While I am waiting
And says with tea
The milk goes in last.
I do not say,
I drink tea myself
And the woman's
Dosset was fine.
I was leaving so
If she told the other
Carers it was wrong,
I had no will
Left to fight my case.
Screw them. I was leaving.
They park their car
Behind mine overlapping
My path to reverse
And I have to
Meticulously perform a
Ten point turn.
And normally they
Were in a rush.
But this time train
Was deliberately waiting
For me to go so
They could say I
Had been in hospital.
Because she jumped
Out of her skin
And I heard hushed talking
When I popped my
Head around the
Door and I say:
Sorry I am not
Eavesdropping but I
Am ok to go?
And they say, ah ah sh..
I thought you had left
To go to next client.
It was blatantly obvious
They were spilling the beans,
To a client of all people.
That is gross misconduct.
Tell the staff. I can
Understand. Since
You did anyway.
A client? That
Was not proffessional.
And the letter
Through my door
When you knew
I was leaving.
That was not necessary.
But it is ok.
When I phoned
Up to say I could
Not work the last
Week as I needed
Blood tests, your
Voice cracked up.
You thought it was cancer.
Because I had been
Losing weight since
Splitting from fiance.
But at the end
Of the day, the
Clients did prefer
More flamboyant and gregarious
Staff to lighten the day.
I was not bubbly
And I did not care
Much for a
Popularity contest either.
It was just a job.
That was it.
A means to an end.
But at least I
Could say I was
Making a difference
And I had a
Proper title.
I was "a" something
Not just a dispensable
Shop worker and
The pay was much better.
It did not feel like
A "dead end" job either.
It was not
The easy way out
I can tell you.
And I was arrogant.
To think I could
Fit the mould
With no prior experience.
The TL was right
To have thier
Doubts about me.

I told Fred that when
I got my blood pressure
Check for the microgynon
That I was advised to take
A three month break.
It was a white lie.
It was him I wanted
A break from. And
When I was putting
His clothes in the
Drawers, I found packets
Of condoms that had
Not been there before.
For a second I thought
Is he cheating? I
Took them and binned
Them and he never
Said a word. Neither
Of us were the
Cheating kind. We were
Both relationship people.
I have never found
Casual encounters fun.
It was not a huge deal.
But was he that desperate
To avoid having kids
That he went straight
Out to buy condoms?
Turns out I had to
Go to A n E that time
Fingers flew, because
I have a slight allergy
To latex. At work
If it was not the
Blue gloves, the white
Ones made my skin
Flare up and crack.

I have read that scientologists
Hold the belief that schizophrenia
And other conditions are
Not medical conditions
And sufferers just need
To go a run. I may have
Played my beliefs card
But I got down to a tiny
Dose of zyprexa, 5mg
And I managed to get
Back into the working world.
I may have said that
A diagnosis just means
That a person must try
And "get out of their
Own head a bit more."
I do believe in neuroleptic drugs.
And finding the right
Drug is half the battle.
I did not intend to
Sound like I held
Scientologists beliefs.
I was just lucky that
The drugs I was issued
Worked for me.
After zyprexa, I was
Prescribed Seroquel and
I soldiered on.
I know that many
Forum users here
Have had to try
Countless combinations and
Still have as many
Bad days as good.
Or it has taken decades
Of enduring symptoms
And med changes
To feel a small
Semblance of normal.
I may have unintentionally
Minimised the importance of
The medication side,
By not mentioning
That finding the right
One makes all the difference.
I do believe in striving
To take the lowest dosages
As possible. And
That getting stable
On meds is more
Of a priority when
Your an in-patient.

When my Grans ability
To look after herself
Started to fail, she
Was not hospitable
To my ol'mum.
Flustered, looked after
Her ailing mum, I heard
And my Gran gave
Up work to help with
Things at home when
Her mum was unwell,
Brain tumour I think.
It is not important.
But the former was
A nurse by profession
And my Gran would
Not have had the choice,
Back when her
Own mum passed away.

I will stand firmly
With my mum
And take her side.
My Gran needed
Trained nurses and
Health care workers.
One person could
Never have looked
After her because she
Did not want to
Look after herself.
It was not her pride,
Although she was staunch,
She was an alcoholic.
She would drink
Herself to the grave.
And she chain
Smoked ALL day.
Down the road,
Said put her in a home.
Problem solved. Really?
Sell the place and
Put her in a home.
What happens when
The money ran out
From the place?
Mum did her shopping,
Cleaned the house
And saw her
Every single evening.
If my mum did
Not do what she did
Then Gran would
Have needed to
Go into a nursing home.
I helped with Gran.
But not with
The nursing side
It was just with
The driving to appointments
And dog walking.
When I was there
She just needed
A little nudge.
We all thought
She was grieving.
We never realised
That my Grandad
Was doing the things
She used to do.