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#226
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Maybe I should have
Done the art therapy My doctor offered. Maybe I should have Done the assertiveness Course they offered. Then I could have Done stayed out of The spotlight for a year. I would have did Art at my community college. The NC first perhaps. I met a girl in rehab Who suggested I did The complimentary therapies. She leant me a book. So I jumped head first Into it when I was Nowhere near ready. Ambidextrous. You Have a lot of hairs On your arms. Live In a cold country. Were you anorexic? Its not peach fuzz. I just have jewish roots And very dark hair. Bye Black Parade. Bye corrie. Mole, no sweat You meant nothing by it. Bye Gangly. And hot choc. And to spider doodles. |
#227
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Goodbye, towns religion.
Bye tattoed in reverse. Bye anthropology needle. |
#228
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I remember reading about
A young woman, An art student or Aspiring art student Who committed suicide In my local area rag. The article said that She felt like she Had no real friends. And it was after My stint in rehab. I felt that could have Been me. Even though I had my group of friends. At school I felt That way for a while. I had friends but felt They were not true friends. But now there would be No sympathetic article In the local paper If I were to take my life. Just troubled young woman Laid to rest in the obituaries. If I did it at school Then I would have been In the news paper. Until my future Disintegrated overnight when I was committed. My mind dealt With my underlying Depression in it's own way. Blessing in disguise. I do believe that Without my disorder, That enhances my Artistic flair then I would have jumped Into Davy Jones Locker, When hospital rehab Kmocked the wind Out of my sails. |
#229
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Immature. Nae wise. Plonker.
Strange species. Skethy. Dodgy. Nightmare. Scrapes all sugar off. We are going sledging On our free period. Cah, how immature. And I reassure them later. That they deserve forty Whole minutes of fun. To make the most Of the snow . He was just in A mood because it We were at the Gym doing strength training At 7am sharp. |
#230
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No more fun for you
You are in the army now! I do mean congratulations. I'm terrible with these Types of things. Well done. Patrick will be dying to See your tracksuit More than anything Else no doubt. |
#231
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Woah did you roll
Out of the wrong side Of the bed. No Getting up at 4am Is a bit of a shock For my body seeing As I go to bed between One and three usually. But do not tell b^gger lugs. It is ok I did not Tell him abour you Nearly fainting in H.E. There is always something Up with Laura says Patrick. And I shake my hand To let her know it is Ok that he overheard. Mm scones hot Fresh off the press. And complain about Him at a later date Prying into things That people don't Wish him a part of. |
#232
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A parent is having
A domestic with her Ex husband and Patrick, Gets out his car And I say: should you Not Wait a moment and Phone the police, And I mutter.. You could make Matters worse. And He goes straight Up to the fireman And I see them Have a heated discussion And he is pointing Over Patricks shoulder At the woman. Patrick did not consider That if the husband Had tracked her Down against her Wishes this time Then he will evidently Do it again. And That Patrick had No authority over him Except the threat To use his special training. Which he would have Got in trouble himself For using even in Self defence. It Was not his place To step in. He May have thought he Was saving the day. But he could have Made the man even Angrier for his interference. Just like he had No right to approach Fred. I left his club And after hospital I just wanted to move on. I listened to Fred Saying that all his friends Noticed how he picked On me but I did Not bring it up. I let him go scott free. And my mum did Not believe Fred when He made a reference About Patrick when In the local one night. My mum was besotted With Patrick. Fred Said he built his Empire like the pyramids. He was a slave driver. And my mum tutted, That bosses expect Their pound of flesh That's how the world works. And I say see, to Fred Everything I say falls On deaf ears at home. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 16, 2018 at 12:01 PM. |
#233
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I was breaking in
My new suede boots While walking Sam. And Rider is at pub After football and Say's you have a party At one of your friends. And I get embarrassed, And say not tonight. And he asks if My dad has finished Painting Patricks and I say yes but he complained And my Dad was not Happy and he tried to Get out of not paying Him because some spots Looked slimey but my Dad Knows what he is doing And said painting onto A stone wall with the Paint he had,it was inevitable. And Rider said that Patrick wants everything For as little as possible and Asks people to do thing's As a favour or promises Free classes at his gym Instead of paying them. When adults don't Really want or have Time for martial arts. When Marshall said to Me : just do not do What domino did. After I sat my grading, I am not sure what he meant. I don't know if domino Said something strident to him. Or was in opposition with him. He maybe felt a bit Irked because I did Not football kick Him in that suit. And he said my other Teamates kicked harder Than me. I did not Want to kick you Five times between the legs. I think after two if He is still running after You, they would predict Another blow in the same place. And that I knew when Lying face down On the ground with Someone on top, Is an impossible position For a female to get Out of if they Were attacked. Prevention Is the only cure. Keeping yourself safe. Not walking home Late alone. |
#234
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I never strayed without
A purpose. My Gran Could talk for Scotland. Sometimes I just needed To get out of my head. And talk to someone For five minutes. I would wonder if a Pal was working on their Department or if they Had got some ingredient I needed back in stock, Accross store or see How much the new Pomegranate juice was. I was fast. And if I had a spare moment I could not talk to Some one on checkouts So it had to be Another department. Or A brisk stretch of The legs. I did not Think anyone took Much notice of My meandering but It was still just a Mediun sized shop In a small minded Large town so I did Not expect less. And my boss had Been demoted and Had to earn back Their position so I Didn't exactly look Up to them. And My ambitions did Not lie within the Walls of retail. I am glad that you Understood why me And tank cut the odd Corner sometimes. That We felt we were Stuck where we were And had nothing To prove but you Told us that the future Is the here and now, And what we did Right now counted. And that nobody Thought he was a Dead certainty for Climbing the ladder At our age. He knew We were hard workers. Of course my friend, Got wind of the meeting Maybe after I told Mersey. And where me and Tank Realised that we Had to go the extra Mile as assistants until We were ready, they Thought they were There all ready. I Was still young enough To gain confidence. I was only a school leaver For crying out loud. Thanks for officially Saying that you Could see that me and my Coworker both had potential If we applied ourselves. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 16, 2018 at 01:37 PM. |
#235
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I will admit I thought
That even with serious Mental disorders that Drugs may only be needed To but things back In balance for a temporary Time scale and then You could wean off them. But I had concluded That my condition Was like having to Take insulin for diabetes. I did know I needed Them for life for A chemical imbalance In the brain. But I Hoped that there Was a way to limit Dependency on chemicals. I did not tell that person That medication was Not required. I believed That they were necessary. That the medication was An unspoken and Necessary evil. And It was only when I cut my dose (unsupervised) That I got unwell. I think being back With my family Brought back the Memories of them Saying something was Wrong with me. The doctor did not Say I would need them For life. They were not There to dole out Life sentences and I did Not know my official Diagnosis. So I made The decision to take less. And when I landed In hospital for the second Time I did not oppose The decision to incease The dose by a considerable step. |
#236
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All the empty vodka bottles.
Your then Boyfriend Killing himself when A pigeon crashed into The window and slid down. On a Friday, the music Thumping from the Dive below and we Use diluting juice as mixer. Spermy. Sperm whale. Faker. No rhythm. So the paint job never, Got completed. Whoopee Fuking ding dong. The place was not Fit for long term habitation. Some people like to Make a quick buck. Ruined my favourite pumps. Stretched them with Entrenched sweat stains. Just to be spiteful. You were reading Trainspotting again and You quote sick boy. Yes, I could question YOUR moral compass old pal. There was one thing On your mind when You said you were Moving South to the city. Your friend with benefits Was a scoundral and then some And his mum saw That darkness in your heart. At least you were, More aware of it Than your cousin Who had their own affliction. The saint who reported, Me for petty scratches On the car I helped to run. When I walked away From the place we bought And payed for in conjunction With not a dime. You saw me. That Was the whole point. I can't think of one Stand alone compliment you ever Gave me when you Were not after one thing. And even then it, Was simply on my body. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 21, 2018 at 05:05 PM. |
#237
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It was y from work and not
Resident evil, who Spilled the beans. Don't sweat it. Not many can resist Such a juicy bone. You are forgiven. |
#238
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Can you not a phone
A friend to stay with For a while? And I Say that I was in A controlling relationship And my friends are Just acquaintances now. I never got my Confidence back from Being in here Six years ago. They obviously see That I am a reasonable person Who had a life Prior to this breakdown And would carry on To live once this too Faded into the background. Can you not phone One of them so you Can be at there's Instead of here for An afternoon. And I pause And say I don't want To bother anyone. That my ex was controlling And all my friends Have family now. It wouldn't be fair To encroach on them. So another nurse says, You are young and Need to get back out there When you leave here. But they don't seem To quite grasp that Even though it isn't prison That if I was ever Going to truly get Back out there, It would need To be further afield. That ideally I wanted To start afresh where No-one knew about My "baggage" or past. But then again they Would have just been Trying to present The positive scenario. I had seen enough hardship. But most people who Had been on the ward, Had their unique struggle And on-going battle. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 24, 2018 at 03:22 PM. |
#239
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I have found another discrepancy in my medical notes. I have set the story straight on why I took an overdose of zyprexa. It was Freds gaslighting that pushed me over the edge.
The second bone I need to pick apart is someone documenting that I had a limp for a short time. I can safely say it would have been from blisters from new shoes. How bizarre. And I thought the nurses were so snowed under with work they had no time to document such minute details unrelated to mental well being. Maybe they were on obs and watching someone at the time and noticed. That looks like a tedious job I must say. At least they swap over after one hour. |
#240
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I was on constant obs at eighteen,
For three days after admission. It was suicide prevention watch. Maybe Fred should have said: I should at least visit considering Laura is fresh off suicide watch. Which makes me wonder if He took Patricks suggestion Into serious consideration. Thankfully Fred respected his Parents who said that he should Go and visit me. He might find The place is not as scary As many people expect it to be. And he came once a week. |
#241
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I have heard straight from the horses mouth - police officers - saying that people who smoke weed as their chosen vice compared to alcohol get in less trouble, or some never cause trouble when stoned. Where as alcohol causes much more upset and fights and instances of violence. I am still dubious though as I believe that marijuana DOES exacerbate pre existing mental health disorders and depression. I saw a documentary that stipulated that marijuana is the only drug that is absorbed by the brain and infact stays there and lingers on for much more time than other illegal street drugs. This must be thc chemical component of the drug as I know the oil( marijuana without the psychoactive thc) has been approved in the uk. And since marijuana effects dopamine receptors that could prove it has a strong link to schizophrenia in my book. I am undecided on whether it can be blamed for causing mental illness. Maybe a combination of genetics and usage may cause serious illness like psychosis. From my reading on cannabis and it's effects on the brain most sources agree that it is most dangerous for teens when the brain is still developing (until 25) and can alter the pathways the neurons and synapses in the brain create. And can cause irreversible damage. So learning is affected since the brain cannot send signals to where they are needed as quickly. But suggest that if a person is older cannabis may be a bit safer.
Thoughts forum? Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 26, 2018 at 03:52 PM. |
#242
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Don't pay heed to mersey.
I was not flirting. I felt like the ugly one Out of charlies lot. Flirting would be the last Thing on my mind. The place was like a small town. Bran flakes. All the Fars I have met have been crazy. Paps. I was not funny. I was just easy on the eye. So I liked to try and be nice, And bantering along too. I need to get a job. Got the rest of your Life to work. I did need work. I had to go back to My bank to pay the Money needed because It was my personal bank. The bank I put wages In from the supermarket I worked at. The college Classes I dropped so I could work overtime To pay for a long shot, In vain hope that I could Silence the naysayers. I was not funny. And I was only easy on the eye. At least I could say I am an athlete. I am someone. Even though I felt, Like an imposter in my own skin. I had worked my socks off To get here. And I Knew it was now or never. I could go back to College anytime. This Was a once in a life time Opportunity and I had To grab the bull by the horns. I was travelling to compete And I feigned illness to my work. I did what I had to do. When I became unwell, Infinity evaporated before my eyes. I never felt invincible. But this was too, Young for a breakdown. And in his kingdom Lucifer laughs as another Falls and he says Welcome to hell It is not as bad as you think. It has been with you All this time and You tried to pretend otherwise. And I shake his hand And say thanks for Rescuing me brother. Here you answer to no-one, Isn't that what you Have always wanted? At least someone sees Having my soul as worthy. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 27, 2018 at 03:28 PM. |
#243
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I was officially a missing person
For a short spate of time. Did my parents get sick With worry that I may be dead? Nope. They went to work And they actually forgot. My mother brought it Up, when I was in her work. Obviouy someone had notified Her there and the memory Came flooding back. Oh yeah The police had you down As a missing person, they Were looking for you. Nonchalant as you come. I wish I could say it was Hospital that made them So indifferent to me and my welfare. But they would have sold Me to the army if they Offered families cheques To take unwanted kids Off their hands. I was an addict before, I almost became an addict. They marched me to the Job centre the week I was discharged from rehab. My mother acted like She wanted me to Have something seriously wrong. And told some of her Cliquey boozer I would Never ever get better Before I was even home. I was just a screwball That nobody cared less about. The hospital = screwballs. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 27, 2018 at 03:55 PM. |
#244
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Ok, eating potato skin
Is evidently not acceptable In high school. And the kiwi skin, Was the first and Last time I would Be a clown. You would be pretty If you wore make up. Well, I hated everything The it crowd stood for. And with my skinny frame And baby face I did Not want extra attention. So going home for Lunch was a bit Of a reprieve some days. Or I may have done a Fred. And leapt over tables To batter someone. But I did not want to be feared. And its clear as day that After leaving the group I sat with for break Time and lunch time I entered some sort of A depressive phase. I remember sitting Watching robot wars And dragon ball z. After my parents blind Ignored my English teachers Enthusiasm for my Bright future in education, I went through a Massive existential crisis. I never read a full book For years and that may Surprise some peope Considering I was Supposed to be intelligent. I did the bare minimum. If you do not try too hard You won't feel so hurt When it all goes t^ts up. My family were all: Prepare for the worst You will find out That in this life Nothing is what It is cracked up to be. We are not lucky enough To hope for the best. The depression I got From struggling with English, Was transferred into sketching. And then I grew jaded With that once I Listened to Pearl Jam. Only sappy losers Draw petty pictures. Nothing came close To my Johnny Depp Sketch I did in second year. My parents were out A lot of the time so I relished having sky tv. I went out with New friends but I Felt like a third wheel. And being "the brainy one" In my new gang Felt more like "the geeky one." And when someone said They told a stranger They met on msn That I was a little weird When I did not speak To him while they were Away doing something, I said that they could Have waited until I Was not at the table Before saying that. My friends did not Even know how to Pronounce my sport Nevermind ask me About it and how I was doing. I was Supposed to have gone Off to university after school, The world awaited. Or I did a Jeremy Like in the PearlJam song. I sort of did. Without a gun. I went crazy. I never got help Because I did not Know there was help For my type of pain. Nobody at school Contributed to my breakdown. I have fond memories Of my school days. And I did feel like I was respected and Those that knew I Ended up on a psyche ward, Probably did feel a Bit sorry for me. If anyone's to blame It is closer to home. A stupid embarrasing stunt. Like the falling man In Don Delillo. I could live with that. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 27, 2018 at 06:00 PM. |
#245
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My friends introduced
Me to indie rock. A friend from my Sports club introduced Me to punk music. I liked snow patrol anyway. Thats boys music. Not really, snow patrol And other bands Appeal to girls. I always liked urban music But the killers sang: Give my regards to Soul and romance They always did the Best they could. I liked how it Was was easy listening. I thought that listening To angry music Would just make Me feel worse. I needed calming influences. And I did not want To be called a goth. I never wore eyeliner Incase I was called a goth. My parents took the mick Out of me when I bought A guitar and they Found chords I had Printed out. They Literally laughed and Asked why was I Trying to learn guitar. They thought that I was not musical. They refused to believe I was good at anything. My Gran used to promise To buy me a keyboard And teach me one day. But she was an alcoholic, And like my parents Was good at talking Out plans from The arm chair and Never taking action. David said that I Was not committed To my sport enough. But I had to work To fund it myself So I was tired out. My brother gambled Nights away on the pool Table saying he was golfing. My teachers picked Up on me not Applying myself but They were used To seeing disheartened Kids all the time. University required money. We had no money. When I was sixteen I was supposed to Pay them for my keep. That was their mind set. Once I leave home I never go back. So the extra year I stayed on at school My parents just made Me feel like an inconvenience. And I thought my efforta Would end up futile. If it were not for my sport I would not have applied To local college. My mum worked part Time in the evening At a pub and we never Saw her anyway so Why did she not Get full time hours Or a cleaning job In the morning? Why? She cared about Her social life more Than her own kids. I was told that one Day I would look Back and thank them For putting a roof over My head and food In the cupboards and Shoes on my feet. And true to form When I hit sixteen My mum had turned My grandparents against me. And I could not Wait to leave. My mother pleaded Poverty to her brother. They were brought Up the same so Why did my mother Have to put them Above us and Make me feel inferior? She used to push Me off pavements Saying I would have To get used to people Looking down their Nose at me in this life. I never shared her view. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 28, 2018 at 06:20 AM. |
#246
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I had a beakdown at eighteen.
I pushed myself too hard. And I crumbled. When I was well enough, I looked to get back on the horse. And my mother said that I would never get an office job, That at eighteen I was too old. And a sixteen year old would get it. And Fred hit the roof At the way my mother was With me at home. I told him that I knew How to take her by now. And nothing that came Out of her mouth Was unexpected and my Mum was a bit of a Deviant with her moral standing. She liked to be controversial. She liked to bend the rules. And she was not afraid To have an opinion. Even if it was extreme And usually wrong. Like saying "foreigners" Take all our jobs and houses Ship them back to Their own country. When she has no idea About my grandfather's heritage And my blood fathers Side is German. I told Fred that if Scotland Were playing England She would be the only One to cheer when England Scored in a pub full of Drunk scotsmen. I would Not recommend anyone Do this in a pub. She was proud we Were religiously nothing. We are nothing. She was obsessed with Winning the lottery. And she enjoyed working In the pub because she Could sit and play cards Or dominoes with the regulars All afternoon on early shifts. It was the only job She never complained about And my Grandfather Spoke about it himself. My mother is not an advocate Of suffering in silence. And Fred was right when He observed my mothers Odd behaviour towards me And saying that just because Her life never turned out The way she wanted, That she was cruel For trying to discourage me From trying for an office Based job instead of retail. Or she was simply jealous I was young and I over heard Two women In the local Speaking about my mother Saying she had never grown up. Her and my neighbour would Check the court websites To see if they knew Anyone who was in trouble. My mother would watch Morning tv and go to Work for four hours Amassing about twenty Hours for the week. She would call her Workmates wife the Froggy from France. And she empahsised In the interview That she was not idle. And her workmate Asked why a pretty Young woman like me Was having a hard time Getting work and that I looked better with Some meat on my bones They joked, knowing I had been in hospital. My mother told my neighbour Someone has to keep The wolf from the door. And criticising our neighbour For overly relying on a man. I am sure my mother Was paid off from That job when they suspected She was evading from Speaking about me And hiding something. I only applied to the forces Because the camaraderie Would have been like Having a new family. A career was appealing too. Having a title and identity. Fred had a tirade one Night we were out in the local. Because my mum was Friendly with a woman Who was a "junkie." Two faced b^tch, she lays Into you for taking medication And comparing you To a drug addict and she Sticks up for a proper junk head. She is friends with Someone still using. And I tell Fred my mum was A typical bar maid who considers Herself a counsellor and listener To all the customers. I know she is like the god Ravana with ten heads. Amen, Fred says and chuckles. Fred was not a fan of my parents. It was nice that someone Actually saw my side For a change. My friends Thought my parents were cool. Their outlandish views. And going out all the time. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 28, 2018 at 07:39 AM. |
#247
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My mum did jury duty on
A serious case, would be About fifteen years ago now. I should be safe bringing it up. The victim was just an Average member of the public. They had been sexually assaulted. My mum spoke more candidly About it to me and an aunt, Because over a decade has passed Since she sat on the jury. All she said at the time was that The woman was a mess in the stand And it was tough listening. She spilled the beans and said That there was a nurse amongst them Who said that her injuries could Only have come about from Being attacked against her will. And my mum said the accused Said the woman "was gagging for it." And the woman admitted she was gay. So me and froggy were aghast. I think the jury was hung, If I cast my memory back to When my mum had to go to the high court. But I never asked because my mum Went on to say: she did not deserve What the accused did even If she was "just a gay lady." I had To ask my mother to repeat it as I thought I had misheard her. She said to her brother one time That she did not care if I was gay. Her and my gran would speculate That my female cousin was gay. My Gran would shoo the dog Calling it creeping jesus or fascist dirt. She called everyone Fascist dirt at some point. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 28, 2018 at 11:41 AM. |
#248
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My mums friend had a "sin bin"
In her house that she would Threaten to put kids In if they were bad. It has no religious connection Even though it sounds like it. It was from Ice Hockey. So was more like time out. It was spacious as I spent Five minutes in it once. It had a sofa bed and bean bag. I ran the taps At full speed and they Got the hint I would flood it. I was only watching A film on tv and I went Through to get juice. The boys told me I Was ok to help myself Meaning I could avoid Having to ask. And I was balled at. And when I sat to watch The tv, I was ordered To play with the Boys and I did not Say they had set me up. And my mother said She was fine with Me being put in time out. From then on, I played With all the kids. And realised that my Mother would not be The one to stand Up for me in future. And I knew I would Grow up to be Self sufficient and Even when the p2 incident Happened I found A way to persevere. Because one day I may find I had Nobody to fall back on Or someone to provide for me And I would be fine As long as I worked Hard enough. I would Be damned before I ended up like my mother. |
#249
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Would I have stayed with Fred
If he were a total villain: Of course not, I wasn't masochistic. I did not believe we were Put on the earth to suffer. The question is if I had Good friends, would they Have persuaded me to Live the life I fought so Hard to strive for before rehab. That I was the last one In my group - aside from Reggie Who they expected would Give up their hopes for a guy. But it was not my health treatment While in hospital that changed me; It was the stigma that got Inadvertently heaped on me. I could feel peoples attitude Change towards me and I Could see the malice Behind the smiles and I know I was a hot topic of gossip. It was like I witnessed the True face of humanity. That people loved to see A tragic story just as much As they loved rags to riches. Six years after hospital I nearly made it through Eight months at a respectable job. And then I was rumbled. And I vowed never to Go back to rehab. I would rather die. But again something in me changed. And I subconsciously decided From there on in: I would oppose the machine. I am not being dramatic When I say that was Really my only option. In this life and times; day and age Society is not ready To accept mental health Like a physical spell of ill health. And I knew from my First stint in rehab. Fred knew the truth. Why try and gloss over it. That is why I think He knew it was crunch time And we finished. We couldn't erase the Fact I had been to hospital. Not in this town. Fred never brought Up any buzz words. He skirted around the Truth most of the time. But he liked to get drunk. And he only said ward fou-wer When drunk. Saying ward number Four, Was frightening enough When you come from Where I am from. Fred had to be drunk Or ultra stressed before He let it slip. And I think He was not proud Of himself for saying it. It was a ward in a hospital. Ward number four. Throw salt over Your shoulder so Nobody you know ends Up in there if You happen to be superstitious. And when I bumped Into an old classmate They said your Not in there now, phew. It's like a jinx phrase From a Harry Potter novel. He who must not be named. The ward number you Must not say. Four. Not thirteen. Four. We tried to make A go of it and I do not Regret our time together. In the dvd shop Fred was speaking to A work mate and I could See his wife grinning From ear to ear. So that's the crazy lady, Is what my mind Automatically jumps to. I just had to ignore it. Otherwise Fred would Accuse me of being paranoid, Or getting "worked up over nuhin." So when my boss made Digs like ooh you never Ate that appetizing looking Orange in your box. I just smile and Change the subject. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 28, 2018 at 02:14 PM. |
#250
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I made jokes when I was young.
They just let me out for the day. I am only happy Laura on a Friday. Yes I mentioned bilbohall In an aloof joke but, I said it once and once was enough. I never knew what Weight it really held. Men in white coats, Was my preferred turn of phrase. As I was superstitious. Walking around ladders. Not putting new shoes On the table. Not now. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 28, 2018 at 02:17 PM. |