An Audi TT

Maybe I should have
Done the art therapy
My doctor offered.
Maybe I should have
Done the assertiveness
Course they offered.
Then I could have
Done stayed out of
The spotlight for a year.
I would have did
Art at my community college.
The NC first perhaps.
I met a girl in rehab
Who suggested I did
The complimentary therapies.
She leant me a book.
So I jumped head first
Into it when I was
Nowhere near ready.
Ambidextrous. You
Have a lot of hairs
On your arms. Live
In a cold country.
Were you anorexic?
Its not peach fuzz.
I just have jewish roots
And very dark hair.
Bye Black Parade.
Bye corrie.
Mole, no sweat
You meant nothing by it.
Bye Gangly. And hot choc.
And to spider doodles.

Goodbye, towns religion.
Bye tattoed in reverse.
Bye anthropology needle.

I remember reading about
A young woman,
An art student or
Aspiring art student
Who committed suicide
In my local area rag.
The article said that
She felt like she
Had no real friends.
And it was after
My stint in rehab.
I felt that could have
Been me. Even though
I had my group of friends.
At school I felt
That way for a while.
I had friends but felt
They were not true friends.
But now there would be
No sympathetic article
In the local paper
If I were to take my life.
Just troubled young woman
Laid to rest in the obituaries.
If I did it at school
Then I would have been
In the news paper.
Until my future
Disintegrated overnight when
I was committed.
My mind dealt
With my underlying
Depression in it's own way.
Blessing in disguise.
I do believe that
Without my disorder,
That enhances my
Artistic flair then
I would have jumped
Into Davy Jones Locker,
When hospital rehab
Kmocked the wind
Out of my sails.

Immature. Nae wise. Plonker.
Strange species. Skethy. Dodgy.
Nightmare. Scrapes all sugar off.
We are going sledging
On our free period.
Cah, how immature.
And I reassure them later.
That they deserve forty
Whole minutes of fun.
To make the most
Of the snow .
He was just in
A mood because it
We were at the
Gym doing strength training
At 7am sharp.

No more fun for you
You are in the army now!
I do mean congratulations.
I'm terrible with these
Types of things. Well done.
Patrick will be dying to
See your tracksuit
More than anything
Else no doubt.

Woah did you roll
Out of the wrong side
Of the bed. No
Getting up at 4am
Is a bit of a shock
For my body seeing
As I go to bed between
One and three usually.
But do not tell b^gger lugs.
It is ok I did not
Tell him abour you
Nearly fainting in H.E.
There is always something
Up with Laura says Patrick.
And I shake my hand
To let her know it is
Ok that he overheard.
Mm scones hot
Fresh off the press.
And complain about
Him at a later date
Prying into things
That people don't
Wish him a part of.

A parent is having
A domestic with her
Ex husband and Patrick,
Gets out his car
And I say: should you
Not Wait a moment and
Phone the police,
And I mutter..
You could make
Matters worse. And
He goes straight
Up to the fireman
And I see them
Have a heated discussion
And he is pointing
Over Patricks shoulder
At the woman.
Patrick did not consider
That if the husband
Had tracked her
Down against her
Wishes this time
Then he will evidently
Do it again. And
That Patrick had
No authority over him
Except the threat
To use his special training.
Which he would have
Got in trouble himself
For using even in
Self defence. It
Was not his place
To step in. He
May have thought he
Was saving the day.
But he could have
Made the man even
Angrier for his interference.
Just like he had
No right to approach Fred.
I left his club
And after hospital
I just wanted to move on.
I listened to Fred
Saying that all his friends
Noticed how he picked
On me but I did
Not bring it up.
I let him go scott free.
And my mum did
Not believe Fred when
He made a reference
About Patrick when
In the local one night.
My mum was besotted
With Patrick. Fred
Said he built his
Empire like the pyramids.
He was a slave driver.
And my mum tutted,
That bosses expect
Their pound of flesh
That's how the world works.
And I say see, to Fred
Everything I say falls
On deaf ears at home.

I was breaking in
My new suede boots
While walking Sam.
And Rider is at pub
After football and
Say's you have a party
At one of your friends.
And I get embarrassed,
And say not tonight.
And he asks if
My dad has finished
Painting Patricks and
I say yes but he complained
And my Dad was not
Happy and he tried to
Get out of not paying
Him because some spots
Looked slimey but my Dad
Knows what he is doing
And said painting onto
A stone wall with the
Paint he had,it was inevitable.
And Rider said that
Patrick wants everything
For as little as possible and
Asks people to do thing's
As a favour or promises
Free classes at his gym
Instead of paying them.
When adults don't
Really want or have
Time for martial arts.
When Marshall said to
Me : just do not do
What domino did.
After I sat my grading,
I am not sure what he meant.
I don't know if domino
Said something strident to him.
Or was in opposition with him.
He maybe felt a bit
Irked because I did
Not football kick
Him in that suit.
And he said my other
Teamates kicked harder
Than me. I did not
Want to kick you
Five times between the legs.
I think after two if
He is still running after
You, they would predict
Another blow in the same place.
And that I knew when
Lying face down
On the ground with
Someone on top,
Is an impossible position
For a female to get
Out of if they
Were attacked. Prevention
Is the only cure.
Keeping yourself safe.
Not walking home
Late alone.

I never strayed without
A purpose. My Gran
Could talk for Scotland.
Sometimes I just needed
To get out of my head.
And talk to someone
For five minutes.
I would wonder if a
Pal was working on their
Department or if they
Had got some ingredient
I needed back in stock,
Accross store or see
How much the new
Pomegranate juice was.
I was fast. And if
I had a spare moment
I could not talk to
Some one on checkouts
So it had to be
Another department. Or
A brisk stretch of
The legs. I did not
Think anyone took
Much notice of
My meandering but
It was still just a
Mediun sized shop
In a small minded
Large town so I did
Not expect less.
And my boss had
Been demoted and
Had to earn back
Their position so I
Didn't exactly look
Up to them. And
My ambitions did
Not lie within the
Walls of retail.
I am glad that you
Understood why me
And tank cut the odd
Corner sometimes. That
We felt we were
Stuck where we were
And had nothing
To prove but you
Told us that the future
Is the here and now,
And what we did
Right now counted.
And that nobody
Thought he was a
Dead certainty for
Climbing the ladder
At our age. He knew
We were hard workers.
Of course my friend,
Got wind of the meeting
Maybe after I told Mersey.
And where me and Tank
Realised that we
Had to go the extra
Mile as assistants until
We were ready, they
Thought they were
There all ready. I
Was still young enough
To gain confidence.
I was only a school leaver
For crying out loud.
Thanks for officially
Saying that you
Could see that me and my
Coworker both had potential
If we applied ourselves.

I will admit I thought
That even with serious
Mental disorders that
Drugs may only be needed
To but things back
In balance for a temporary
Time scale and then
You could wean off them.
But I had concluded
That my condition
Was like having to
Take insulin for diabetes.
I did know I needed
Them for life for
A chemical imbalance
In the brain. But I
Hoped that there
Was a way to limit
Dependency on chemicals.
I did not tell that person
That medication was
Not required. I believed
That they were necessary.
That the medication was
An unspoken and
Necessary evil. And
It was only when
I cut my dose (unsupervised)
That I got unwell.
I think being back
With my family
Brought back the
Memories of them
Saying something was
Wrong with me.
The doctor did not
Say I would need them
For life. They were not
There to dole out
Life sentences and I did
Not know my official
Diagnosis. So I made
The decision to take less.
And when I landed
In hospital for the second
Time I did not oppose
The decision to incease
The dose by a considerable step.

All the empty vodka bottles.
Your then Boyfriend
Killing himself when
A pigeon crashed into
The window and slid down.
On a Friday, the music
Thumping from the
Dive below and we
Use diluting juice as mixer.
Spermy. Sperm whale.
Faker. No rhythm.
So the paint job never,
Got completed. Whoopee
Fuking ding dong.
The place was not
Fit for long term habitation.
Some people like to
Make a quick buck.
Ruined my favourite pumps.
Stretched them with
Entrenched sweat stains.
Just to be spiteful.
You were reading
Trainspotting again and
You quote sick boy.
Yes, I could question
YOUR moral compass old pal.
There was one thing
On your mind when
You said you were
Moving South to the city.
Your friend with benefits
Was a scoundral and then some
And his mum saw
That darkness in your heart.
At least you were,
More aware of it
Than your cousin
Who had their own affliction.
The saint who reported,
Me for petty scratches
On the car I helped to run.
When I walked away
From the place we bought
And payed for in conjunction
With not a dime.
You saw me. That
Was the whole point.
I can't think of one
Stand alone compliment you ever
Gave me when you
Were not after one thing.
And even then it,
Was simply on my body.

It was y from work and not
Resident evil, who
Spilled the beans.
Don't sweat it.
Not many can resist
Such a juicy bone.
You are forgiven.

Can you not a phone
A friend to stay with
For a while? And I
Say that I was in
A controlling relationship
And my friends are
Just acquaintances now.
I never got my
Confidence back from
Being in here
Six years ago.
They obviously see
That I am a reasonable person
Who had a life
Prior to this breakdown
And would carry on
To live once this too
Faded into the background.
Can you not phone
One of them so you
Can be at there's
Instead of here for
An afternoon. And I pause
And say I don't want
To bother anyone.
That my ex was controlling
And all my friends
Have family now.
It wouldn't be fair
To encroach on them.
So another nurse says,
You are young and
Need to get back out there
When you leave here.
But they don't seem
To quite grasp that
Even though it isn't prison
That if I was ever
Going to truly get
Back out there,
It would need
To be further afield.
That ideally I wanted
To start afresh where
No-one knew about
My "baggage" or past.
But then again they
Would have just been
Trying to present
The positive scenario.
I had seen enough hardship.
But most people who
Had been on the ward,
Had their unique struggle
And on-going battle.

I have found another discrepancy in my medical notes. I have set the story straight on why I took an overdose of zyprexa. It was Freds gaslighting that pushed me over the edge.
The second bone I need to pick apart is someone documenting that I had a limp for a short time. I can safely say it would have been from blisters from new shoes. How bizarre. And I thought the nurses were so snowed under with work they had no time to document such minute details unrelated to mental well being. Maybe they were on obs and watching someone at the time and noticed. That looks like a tedious job I must say. At least they swap over after one hour.

I was on constant obs at eighteen,
For three days after admission.
It was suicide prevention watch.
Maybe Fred should have said:
I should at least visit considering
Laura is fresh off suicide watch.
Which makes me wonder if
He took Patricks suggestion
Into serious consideration.
Thankfully Fred respected his
Parents who said that he should
Go and visit me. He might find
The place is not as scary
As many people expect it to be.
And he came once a week.

I have heard straight from the horses mouth - police officers - saying that people who smoke weed as their chosen vice compared to alcohol get in less trouble, or some never cause trouble when stoned. Where as alcohol causes much more upset and fights and instances of violence. I am still dubious though as I believe that marijuana DOES exacerbate pre existing mental health disorders and depression. I saw a documentary that stipulated that marijuana is the only drug that is absorbed by the brain and infact stays there and lingers on for much more time than other illegal street drugs. This must be thc chemical component of the drug as I know the oil( marijuana without the psychoactive thc) has been approved in the uk. And since marijuana effects dopamine receptors that could prove it has a strong link to schizophrenia in my book. I am undecided on whether it can be blamed for causing mental illness. Maybe a combination of genetics and usage may cause serious illness like psychosis. From my reading on cannabis and it's effects on the brain most sources agree that it is most dangerous for teens when the brain is still developing (until 25) and can alter the pathways the neurons and synapses in the brain create. And can cause irreversible damage. So learning is affected since the brain cannot send signals to where they are needed as quickly. But suggest that if a person is older cannabis may be a bit safer.
Thoughts forum?

Don't pay heed to mersey.
I was not flirting.
I felt like the ugly one
Out of charlies lot.
Flirting would be the last
Thing on my mind.
The place was like a small town.
Bran flakes. All the Fars
I have met have been crazy.
Paps. I was not funny.
I was just easy on the eye.
So I liked to try and be nice,
And bantering along too.
I need to get a job.
Got the rest of your
Life to work. I did need work.
I had to go back to
My bank to pay the
Money needed because
It was my personal bank.
The bank I put wages
In from the supermarket
I worked at. The college
Classes I dropped so
I could work overtime
To pay for a long shot,
In vain hope that I could
Silence the naysayers.
I was not funny. And
I was only easy on the eye.
At least I could say
I am an athlete. I am someone.
Even though I felt,
Like an imposter in my own skin.
I had worked my socks off
To get here. And I
Knew it was now or never.
I could go back to
College anytime. This
Was a once in a life time
Opportunity and I had
To grab the bull by the horns.
I was travelling to compete
And I feigned illness to my work.
I did what I had to do.
When I became unwell,
Infinity evaporated before my eyes.
I never felt invincible.
But this was too,
Young for a breakdown.
And in his kingdom
Lucifer laughs as another
Falls and he says
Welcome to hell
It is not as bad as you think.
It has been with you
All this time and
You tried to pretend otherwise.
And I shake his hand
And say thanks for
Rescuing me brother.
Here you answer to no-one,
Isn't that what you
Have always wanted?
At least someone sees
Having my soul as worthy.

I was officially a missing person
For a short spate of time.
Did my parents get sick
With worry that I may be dead?
Nope. They went to work
And they actually forgot.
My mother brought it
Up, when I was in her work.
Obviouy someone had notified
Her there and the memory
Came flooding back. Oh yeah
The police had you down
As a missing person, they
Were looking for you.
Nonchalant as you come.
I wish I could say it was
Hospital that made them
So indifferent to me and my welfare.
But they would have sold
Me to the army if they
Offered families cheques
To take unwanted kids
Off their hands.
I was an addict before,
I almost became an addict.
They marched me to the
Job centre the week
I was discharged from rehab.
My mother acted like
She wanted me to
Have something seriously wrong.
And told some of her
Cliquey boozer I would
Never ever get better
Before I was even home.
I was just a screwball
That nobody cared less about.
The hospital = screwballs.

Ok, eating potato skin
Is evidently not acceptable
In high school.
And the kiwi skin,
Was the first and
Last time I would
Be a clown.
You would be pretty
If you wore make up.
Well, I hated everything
The it crowd stood for.
And with my skinny frame
And baby face I did
Not want extra attention.
So going home for
Lunch was a bit
Of a reprieve some days.
Or I may have done a Fred.
And leapt over tables
To batter someone.
But I did not want to be feared.
And its clear as day that
After leaving the group
I sat with for break
Time and lunch time
I entered some sort of
A depressive phase.
I remember sitting
Watching robot wars
And dragon ball z.
After my parents blind
Ignored my English teachers
Enthusiasm for my
Bright future in education,
I went through a
Massive existential crisis.
I never read a full book
For years and that may
Surprise some peope
Considering I was
Supposed to be intelligent.
I did the bare minimum.
If you do not try too hard
You won't feel so hurt
When it all goes t^ts up.
My family were all:
Prepare for the worst
You will find out
That in this life
Nothing is what
It is cracked up to be.
We are not lucky enough
To hope for the best.
The depression I got
From struggling with English,
Was transferred into sketching.
And then I grew jaded
With that once I
Listened to Pearl Jam.
Only sappy losers
Draw petty pictures.
Nothing came close
To my Johnny Depp
Sketch I did in second year.
My parents were out
A lot of the time so
I relished having sky tv.
I went out with
New friends but I
Felt like a third wheel.
And being "the brainy one"
In my new gang
Felt more like "the geeky one."
And when someone said
They told a stranger
They met on msn
That I was a little weird
When I did not speak
To him while they were
Away doing something,
I said that they could
Have waited until I
Was not at the table
Before saying that.
My friends did not
Even know how to
Pronounce my sport
Nevermind ask me
About it and how
I was doing. I was
Supposed to have gone
Off to university after school,
The world awaited.
Or I did a Jeremy
Like in the PearlJam song.
I sort of did.
Without a gun.
I went crazy.
I never got help
Because I did not
Know there was help
For my type of pain.
Nobody at school
Contributed to my breakdown.
I have fond memories
Of my school days.
And I did feel like
I was respected and
Those that knew I
Ended up on a psyche ward,
Probably did feel a
Bit sorry for me.
If anyone's to blame
It is closer to home.
A stupid embarrasing stunt.
Like the falling man
In Don Delillo.
I could live with that.

My friends introduced
Me to indie rock.
A friend from my
Sports club introduced
Me to punk music.
I liked snow patrol anyway.
Thats boys music.
Not really, snow patrol
And other bands
Appeal to girls.
I always liked urban music
But the killers sang:
Give my regards to
Soul and romance
They always did the
Best they could.
I liked how it
Was was easy listening.
I thought that listening
To angry music
Would just make
Me feel worse.
I needed calming influences.
And I did not want
To be called a goth.
I never wore eyeliner
Incase I was called a goth.
My parents took the mick
Out of me when I bought
A guitar and they
Found chords I had
Printed out. They
Literally laughed and
Asked why was I
Trying to learn guitar.
They thought that
I was not musical.
They refused to believe
I was good at anything.
My Gran used to promise
To buy me a keyboard
And teach me one day.
But she was an alcoholic,
And like my parents
Was good at talking
Out plans from
The arm chair and
Never taking action.
David said that I
Was not committed
To my sport enough.
But I had to work
To fund it myself
So I was tired out.
My brother gambled
Nights away on the pool
Table saying he was golfing.
My teachers picked
Up on me not
Applying myself but
They were used
To seeing disheartened
Kids all the time.
University required money.
We had no money.
When I was sixteen
I was supposed to
Pay them for my keep.
That was their mind set.
Once I leave home
I never go back.
So the extra year
I stayed on at school
My parents just made
Me feel like an inconvenience.
And I thought my efforta
Would end up futile.
If it were not for my sport
I would not have applied
To local college.
My mum worked part
Time in the evening
At a pub and we never
Saw her anyway so
Why did she not
Get full time hours
Or a cleaning job
In the morning?
Why? She cared about
Her social life more
Than her own kids.
I was told that one
Day I would look
Back and thank them
For putting a roof over
My head and food
In the cupboards and
Shoes on my feet.
And true to form
When I hit sixteen
My mum had turned
My grandparents against me.
And I could not
Wait to leave.
My mother pleaded
Poverty to her brother.
They were brought
Up the same so
Why did my mother
Have to put them
Above us and
Make me feel inferior?
She used to push
Me off pavements
Saying I would have
To get used to people
Looking down their
Nose at me in this life.
I never shared her view.

I had a beakdown at eighteen.
I pushed myself too hard.
And I crumbled.
When I was well enough,
I looked to get back on the horse.
And my mother said that
I would never get an office job,
That at eighteen I was too old.
And a sixteen year old would get it.
And Fred hit the roof
At the way my mother was
With me at home.
I told him that I knew
How to take her by now.
And nothing that came
Out of her mouth
Was unexpected and my
Mum was a bit of a
Deviant with her moral standing.
She liked to be controversial.
She liked to bend the rules.
And she was not afraid
To have an opinion.
Even if it was extreme
And usually wrong.
Like saying "foreigners"
Take all our jobs and houses
Ship them back to
Their own country.
When she has no idea
About my grandfather's heritage
And my blood fathers
Side is German.
I told Fred that if Scotland
Were playing England
She would be the only
One to cheer when England
Scored in a pub full of
Drunk scotsmen. I would
Not recommend anyone
Do this in a pub.
She was proud we
Were religiously nothing.
We are nothing.
She was obsessed with
Winning the lottery.
And she enjoyed working
In the pub because she
Could sit and play cards
Or dominoes with the regulars
All afternoon on early shifts.
It was the only job
She never complained about
And my Grandfather
Spoke about it himself.
My mother is not an advocate
Of suffering in silence.
And Fred was right when
He observed my mothers
Odd behaviour towards me
And saying that just because
Her life never turned out
The way she wanted,
That she was cruel
For trying to discourage me
From trying for an office
Based job instead of retail.
Or she was simply jealous
I was young and I over heard
Two women In the local
Speaking about my mother
Saying she had never grown up.
Her and my neighbour would
Check the court websites
To see if they knew
Anyone who was in trouble.
My mother would watch
Morning tv and go to
Work for four hours
Amassing about twenty
Hours for the week.
She would call her
Workmates wife the
Froggy from France.
And she empahsised
In the interview
That she was not idle.
And her workmate
Asked why a pretty
Young woman like me
Was having a hard time
Getting work and that
I looked better with
Some meat on my bones
They joked, knowing
I had been in hospital.
My mother told my neighbour
Someone has to keep
The wolf from the door.
And criticising our neighbour
For overly relying on a man.
I am sure my mother
Was paid off from
That job when they suspected
She was evading from
Speaking about me
And hiding something.
I only applied to the forces
Because the camaraderie
Would have been like
Having a new family.
A career was appealing too.
Having a title and identity.
Fred had a tirade one
Night we were out in the local.
Because my mum was
Friendly with a woman
Who was a "junkie."
Two faced b^tch, she lays
Into you for taking medication
And comparing you
To a drug addict and she
Sticks up for a proper junk head.
She is friends with
Someone still using.
And I tell Fred my mum was
A typical bar maid who considers
Herself a counsellor and listener
To all the customers.
I know she is like the god
Ravana with ten heads.
Amen, Fred says and chuckles.
Fred was not a fan of my parents.
It was nice that someone
Actually saw my side
For a change. My friends
Thought my parents were cool.
Their outlandish views.
And going out all the time.

My mum did jury duty on
A serious case, would be
About fifteen years ago now.
I should be safe bringing it up.
The victim was just an
Average member of the public.
They had been sexually assaulted.
My mum spoke more candidly
About it to me and an aunt,
Because over a decade has passed
Since she sat on the jury.
All she said at the time was that
The woman was a mess in the stand
And it was tough listening.
She spilled the beans and said
That there was a nurse amongst them
Who said that her injuries could
Only have come about from
Being attacked against her will.
And my mum said the accused
Said the woman "was gagging for it."
And the woman admitted she was gay.
So me and froggy were aghast.
I think the jury was hung,
If I cast my memory back to
When my mum had to go to the high court.
But I never asked because my mum
Went on to say: she did not deserve
What the accused did even
If she was "just a gay lady." I had
To ask my mother to repeat it as
I thought I had misheard her.
She said to her brother one time
That she did not care if I was gay.
Her and my gran would speculate
That my female cousin was gay.
My Gran would shoo the dog
Calling it creeping jesus or fascist dirt.
She called everyone
Fascist dirt at some point.

My mums friend had a "sin bin"
In her house that she would
Threaten to put kids
In if they were bad.
It has no religious connection
Even though it sounds like it.
It was from Ice Hockey.
So was more like time out.
It was spacious as I spent
Five minutes in it once.
It had a sofa bed and bean bag.
I ran the taps
At full speed and they
Got the hint I would flood it.
I was only watching
A film on tv and I went
Through to get juice.
The boys told me I
Was ok to help myself
Meaning I could avoid
Having to ask. And
I was balled at.
And when I sat to watch
The tv, I was ordered
To play with the
Boys and I did not
Say they had set me up.
And my mother said
She was fine with
Me being put in time out.
From then on, I played
With all the kids.
And realised that my
Mother would not be
The one to stand
Up for me in future.
And I knew I would
Grow up to be
Self sufficient and
Even when the p2 incident
Happened I found
A way to persevere.
Because one day
I may find I had
Nobody to fall back on
Or someone to provide for me
And I would be fine
As long as I worked
Hard enough. I would
Be damned before
I ended up like my mother.

Would I have stayed with Fred
If he were a total villain:
Of course not, I wasn't masochistic.
I did not believe we were
Put on the earth to suffer.
The question is if I had
Good friends, would they
Have persuaded me to
Live the life I fought so
Hard to strive for before rehab.
That I was the last one
In my group - aside from Reggie
Who they expected would
Give up their hopes for a guy.
But it was not my health treatment
While in hospital that changed me;
It was the stigma that got
Inadvertently heaped on me.
I could feel peoples attitude
Change towards me and I
Could see the malice
Behind the smiles and
I know I was a hot topic of gossip.
It was like I witnessed the
True face of humanity.
That people loved to see
A tragic story just as much
As they loved rags to riches.
Six years after hospital
I nearly made it through
Eight months at a respectable job.
And then I was rumbled.
And I vowed never to
Go back to rehab.
I would rather die.
But again something in me changed.
And I subconsciously decided
From there on in:
I would oppose the machine.
I am not being dramatic
When I say that was
Really my only option.
In this life and times; day and age
Society is not ready
To accept mental health
Like a physical spell of ill health.
And I knew from my
First stint in rehab.
Fred knew the truth.
Why try and gloss over it.
That is why I think
He knew it was crunch time
And we finished.
We couldn't erase the
Fact I had been to hospital.
Not in this town.
Fred never brought
Up any buzz words.
He skirted around the
Truth most of the time.
But he liked to get drunk.
And he only said ward fou-wer
When drunk. Saying ward number Four,
Was frightening enough
When you come from
Where I am from.
Fred had to be drunk
Or ultra stressed before
He let it slip. And I think
He was not proud
Of himself for saying it.
It was a ward in a hospital.
Ward number four.
Throw salt over
Your shoulder so
Nobody you know ends
Up in there if
You happen to be superstitious.
And when I bumped
Into an old classmate
They said your
Not in there now, phew.
It's like a jinx phrase
From a Harry Potter novel.
He who must not be named.
The ward number you
Must not say. Four.
Not thirteen. Four.
We tried to make
A go of it and I do not
Regret our time together.
In the dvd shop
Fred was speaking to
A work mate and I could
See his wife grinning
From ear to ear.
So that's the crazy lady,
Is what my mind
Automatically jumps to.
I just had to ignore it.
Otherwise Fred would
Accuse me of being paranoid,
Or getting "worked up over nuhin."
So when my boss made
Digs like ooh you never
Ate that appetizing looking
Orange in your box.
I just smile and
Change the subject.

I made jokes when I was young.
They just let me out for the day.
I am only happy Laura on a Friday.
Yes I mentioned bilbohall
In an aloof joke but,
I said it once and once was enough.
I never knew what
Weight it really held.
Men in white coats,
Was my preferred turn of phrase.
As I was superstitious.
Walking around ladders.
Not putting new shoes
On the table. Not now.