An Audi TT

The too much stress was not the job. I was working and studying plus training. And I was self medicating. live fast die young .

He told my mum while I was in hospital rehab that I was a talent and it was sad/ashame what had happened. I'm not sure it's second hand because my mum told me. When he spoke to Fred he was a two faced coward. Telling him to leave me, nobody would think bad of him for doing so. I wish I was a fly on the wall. Think what people will say about her. Being in "there." That was all I could get from Fred. There. There being on the tip of the tongue called what? Nut house. Mad house. Funny Farm. Looney bin. It was the hospital.
He could have least been a responsible human being and gave a balanced view. After knowing me for how many years? I get it my behaviour was embarrassing. But you stuck up for a man and believed his story that they used experimental drugs on him. That was why he blanked out and stared into space. Ok so you saw me as trouble. I just hate how knowing the truth makes a person trouble. I had genuinely been un well.

Fred was tired because he didn't sleep or rest enough. NOT because I tried to jump his bones at night. I worked a full time physically demanding job too!
If he rested some nights, he would have had energy for some gym sessions. But even if we stayed in he would watch tv till twelve or one o'clock and he ALWAYS needed the tv on until he fell asleep.
And of course we drank every single weekend. And we were on the move non -stop at weekend. He didn't want to chill out. I had to find things for him to watch at the weekend if we had a whole spare half hour, like MMA on the BT vision box. Otherwise he would complain he was sick fed up of this life. Our life. I wasn't happy either and I voiced it so I didn't blame him.
He was inscrutable. I didn't know what to do. He was not ready to settle down either maybe. He sang Aloe Blac I need dollars for months and months. Welcome to the real world. We were on the property ladder. It was not supposed to be easy. We were going to own our own house. A house not just a flat. We were not messing about. I thought this was the one.
I kept saying speak to your old pals on Facebook. Join the football team. I brought up the football team. Maybe you can join a better one if you join that one first if you get your foot in the door. But the same response. No, why? they are shyte, it would just be embarrassing.
I told him to go a jog when he was complaining about being stuck inside on a nice night. And I didn't think he would go. But he was gone about 15 minutes after sprinting.
If he said I am going to meet my work pal at the red phone box pub, I would have been fine possibly delighted that he was taking initiative, even if it was day time. I couldn't keep making suggestions. Maybe he didn't go because he wanted to avoid his old posse as some of them were regulars there. They made fun of me to him when we first started dating.
He missed his group of friends. "I burned the bridges" it was his phrase. He said it all the time. I can't. I burned all my bridges. I didn't ask you to. I didn't expect you to.
We both needed to meet new people. And splitting up was the only way to do it. He said that he thought we were doing ok. We had been arguing less. It was a lull. A calm before the storm.

When I cheated it was a dance and a kiss not sex. Before Fred I had two serious boyfriends but I didn't have sex with them. I only went the distance with one guy meaning he came during sex. I had done oral with an ex and hands but not the full distance. So one and two halfs before Fred we could say.

You were trying to be funny most of all. Thing is Fred took life very seriously. And he took things that had started as a joke to actually be the truth. You and mope to be precise. My pal said you were just after a sugar daddy. Hypocrite said take care of you. I was drinking on a night out. I think for once he meant make sure I was home safe.
But it was Freds fault and no one else. He put two and two together and got 500. And he was just in a mood after work all the time. Nobody ever pointed it out to him. He was a different person for an hour or so everyday after work.

Sorry for being militant on text.
Saying not to tell Freds cousin
And our other pal anything.
I liked you. But Getting vodka
Poured over my head
Evidently meant that
Someone thought I
Was stepping on their turf.
That's how I felt.
So I was upset
When I texted and I
I wasn't too nice.
I could be a b^tch.
To guys when younger.
I would forget that
Males had feelings too.
I wasn't treated too kindly
From opposites sex
Growing up, I have to say.
So I am Sorry S.

We stopped in by my work.
When we were up to the eyeballs.
That was a sh^tty thing to do to me.
You were at wal-mart so
We would never have went
In by your work.
It was a deliberate ploy
To try and show me up.
Why do teenagers drink
On the streets when
They have to go squat
To pee somewhere.
That wasn't the
Reason I never drunk
When with pals.
It was just me
Being funny at the hall.

I wanted to make
A future for myself.
If these were my friends
I wouldn't miss my home town.
My family, friends and team mates.
Somedays I just thought
I don't care if I ever
See ANY of them again.

Filled with rain.
A little divil. Just
A mis-translation and
They had no business
Saying that about me.
If you had asked MY
Granny and Grandad
Who actually knew me,
They would have
Told you the truth.
How I was destined
To go to university
And that I was
Doing as well as
My cousin at sport.
That I was no trouble
What so ever as a kid.

You really do have
A sunny disposition.
And you deserved to
Get that job. You
Did so well to
Stand out from over
Fifty applicants I believe.
I was scorned for
A while but only
Because Fred had to
Stir it up and
Bring up the race factor.
I knew that wasn't it.
You speak three
Languages and have,
So much Going for you.
That spells potential.
And your happy demeanour
Would have swayed
It for you over Everyone
Not just me.

I gave up some
Of my hopes for
The relationship too.
Not just because I
Had been un-well.
It did change my
Whole out look on life
Needless to say.
It won't happen to me.
I was lazy according
To some people.
I wouldn't have a
Breakdown, if I was lazy?

18 was a very young
Age to be handed
A blow like this.
My doctor was
More Than convinced
That I could still
Do well, and even
Said I could still
Go out and have a drink.
And the doctors opinion
Was the one that mattered.
They knew I was
Not and wouldn't be
One of them,
As society would say: wasters.
Fred said if I
Joined up or went
Off to College that
We would never work
And I never felt
Like my friends
Were there for me.
So I was hesitant,
To ruin things.
When I thought
About my local college
Fred would undermine
My idea and scoff:
Anyone can apply there
Nobody ever gets rejected
Unless the course is full
And once people drop
Out the first few weeks
They ask people who missed
Out If they'd like a place
So it's a waste of time.
And you can't
Handle a stressful job
Anymore after being "there."

Long term effect
Short term effect
Dizzyness
Hypertension/Hypotension
Metabolic syndrome
Increased triglycerides
Increase in appetite
Major weight gain
Light sensitivity
Drowsiness
Suicidal thoughts
Diabetes
Fibromyalgia
Tardive dyskinesia
Liver disease
Heart disease
Thyroid function diminished
Kidney failure
High blood sugar
White blood cells attacked, leucopenia (clozopine)
Rapid heartbeat, Tachycardia
Muscle contractions, myoclonus (rare, risperidone 4me)
Prolactin levels can stop periods
(So boys, we suffer too)
Akathisia
Death

My Gran was the same with the eggs. It got to the last two and she took them out of the box and into the tray with six holes. The date is stamped on them. But my mum and her were always in a rush. So that would be why a handful of times I had to leg it to the bathroom to throw up. It wasn't often, I remember every time. One time I was unfortunate enough to have just had my peanut butter sand which. And inevitably it put me off it a little. I had a nightmare that my mum had laced my sandwiches with bleach one night. Peanut butter great for energy says widespread media, magazines and nutrition articles. But all that insoluble fibre just fills you up and gives your stomach extra work. And it sticks like glue in your mouth if your a tiny bit dehydrated. Mixed with jam, I liked the Americans twist, made it more palatable. I know my mum did not set out to make me throw up. Her mum was the same. Kids always blame themselves before their parents. The both of them didn't seem to switch between the gears. They walked at the speed of light. None of them would take the bus. Made them feel like a commoner I am guessing. Yet my mum makes on like she feels people look down their nose at her. So which way is it? Going up town was like a chore or a military march. There was never any point in me going with mum. It was always there and back in record speed. Needs must. Not for pleasure. Now and then we got a baked potato or sandwhich made to take out. But you have to eat. Is boredom good for a child? Some of our teachers used to say it was.

But I have some fond memories of the town with my gran. Where I would get a milk shake, toastie and chips in this cafe. We would go as a family, mum and more too. Why did my mum poison them against me? Fred would have said in a heart beat : jealousy.

The sweet and sour for one was a big portion. And two the rice was dry and awful and so was the chicken and the sauce always goes like jelly when it starts to cool. I bet the whole of New town heard how I "barely touched" a meal while out. Believe me, I know how to hold my breath and force food down after years of chicken dippers.

All of my mum's friends would take something for the kids if they had food for themselves. But the one who questioned me about the cats, never once, which made them stand out for the wrong reasons. The box with usually two cream meringues or strawberry tarts. She didn't even say: oh I feel bad for not getting the kids anything while we stuff our faces.

I was a kid and I wanted to get to know my blood father. I realise now he was just as manipulative as mum could be. He made ME feel guilty for not calling or visiting more often if I walked past with a friend. When he NEVER picked up the phone even when I had a mobile and only I would answer.
I pretended I like the jogging trousers for him. I stopped wearing them to get mum and David off my back and making a comment when I wore them. I didn't complain when I was bored to tears of Madeira cake. Every week. Same dry cake. I made the coffee and tea and ate the Madeira cake. And my father moaned and groaned about a drip of tea from the tea bags.
I remember making a toastie for myself and I said just as a topic of conversation that I liked mild cheddar and my favourite cheese was edam. And my father screwed up his face and said that those cheeses have no taste, mature cheddar is the best cheese. And I said under my breath: I don't smoke sixty a day, no wonder you have no taste buds. And he just said you always mumble.
He went from the army to that damn arm chair, sitting there with his arms crossed and dozing on and off for hours. His own brothers in arms from his own regiment broke his leg on purpose so I gathered from him. Why did he feel so much fond nostalgia when his own comrades ended his career?

I suppose my reluctance to get on with female kind is down to my mum in parts. She spoke to you on the phone for over an hour, I am lucky if I get over a minute on the phone. When I go round, it's still the same as when I was young. I do all the talking and have to initiate the conversation. At least we aren't fighting any more. Which counts for something. I get the odd question thrown my way. But I am fine not being quizzed since I am like a nomad when it comes to work.
Yes I know, changing habits of a life time aren't going to happen overnight. But for brief moments I do wonder why they chose me to be the scapegoat and how everyone just followed and fell into step. I don't have anyone to speak to thanks to my mum's antics growing up. Thanks for nothing . I know my brother and his family care about me of course. And my parents do and just had funny ways of showing it, due to their own up bringings. Things are ok the way they are. So digging up the dead wood will just do more harm than good.
Paddy, should try a mile in my shoes then she would know what reality feels like. To have people say straight to your face you are jealous when that couldn't be further from the truth. To start to believe all the lies because you hear them over and over. Maybe it is me who is wrong,when In actual fact, I am the only one who tries to do what is right. And I need to push for the serenity to accept things I cannot change.

It wasn't because he was male that I suggested he was not good at separating s3x from luv. It was because we were both still young enough to be inexperienced with these feelings. Freds friends had girlfriends who were studying in other cities. I just think it was too much effort for Fred. He was happy to sit back and let others make decisions for him. I was more of a leader.

If it meant Freds favourite words weren't hovering around my consciousness, I would have to risk it. I suppose my orientation was out In the open now. It's a large town with a fishing village mentality. I can't believe after everything he put me through, and after I left without asking for a penny or took anything from the house that he reported me for keying his car. My parents lent me a lot of money and I paid more than my fair share. I only bought brand name trainers. Everything else I stopped around for. Scoured the internet and shops. I bought second hand things off of ebay. I didn't wear them half the time but it was the principle.
EVERY one to Fred was a dik. I left him like a spare prik at a wedding. The co worker he was jealous of was a knobb. That guy asked me out back when..I know him, what that knobb. My ex coach...tried to grab my phone.. dik. My millionaire boss...came from same as us...is now a dik. I decked him on a night out...knobb. Four guys ganged up on me and I just laughed when they kicked me on the floor. ..my pals just left me...diks. I'm going to lay out that blakk ......
I come from a family who can swear like sailors but Fred took it to new heights. And if I said to him when we were in a shop, that every second word he just said was a swear word, he would say: woah woah woah, like fuk It was quit your whining. I don't fight with my own shadow. And if we bumped Into someone he knew I was often introduced as "Oh here this is THE bit of stuff." Can't you try and think of better insults than dik? I don't say it much. You think your intellectual because you read when tv is on? Pfft I take care of you remember.

If I struggled to put decent clothes on my own back, how on earth could me and Fred afford to have Kids? There is never an ideal time for anything I know that. But I wanted to be comfortable and be able to take my kids away to experience things out with this God for saken town. We hadn't started saving to get married. I just had to buckle down for a few years and get my degree and get a real job first. Not just for me. For us.
I had to get a better job. I SHOULD have a better job. This isn't where I am supposed to be. I sacrificed part of my youth and what have I got to show for all my blood, sweat and tears? A man who claimed to love me yet says : I am not just with you because I feel sorry for you. I wasn't ugly? I sure as hell wasn't dumb? And I was good at this job. Because I had been in rehab for ONE month. I had fully recovered. I don't get it. I had gone further than I thought possible with my sport. I chose to leave school. Some of my reasons were similar to Freds. We both left in fifth year and we both hated the year we did at college. So were we too alike? I lost count of the times the tears came when showering. I locked myself in the bathroom when he got too over powering and I got scared. He would eventually leave me be, but he would come back up stairs and I could hear the floor creaking. And I would think, I must be over reacting. And we would watch something on tv together. He would demand I say sorry but he didn't apologise. "Take it back" or you"ll be sorry, he would say.
I wasn't abusing drugs or alcohol either. I was a hard worker. My supervisor said I was her right hand man. I got the hard stuff to do. I took one pill at night and that was it. The reason had faded into the back round. But Fred wouldn't let me forget.
I told Fred he would be a good dad and I waited for a response. I waited years and he evaded it. I said he had all these connections that one day he could do property development. Just a place here and there in spare time. Not a business or full time job. But doing up our own place was hard work but the rewards were more than worth it after the transformation. I helped lay the laminate flooring, chose a colour and painted the summer house.

Sorry to everyone I let down. On the out side it looked like I was throwing away everything I had battled for. So I hope my memories and reflections can shed light on the reality and hardships I was facing from those who were supposed to support and guide me at the time. I felt as though no-one was in my corner. I was going against the grain. I thought that all I needed was my education. And then I find I have to fight tooth and nail to get a supermarket job. Facing the prospect that I had no prospects. At this rate I was about to crash and I knew it. At least I could find a way to feel numb or indifferent just for a night. I had no one to turn to. My friends wrapped up in their own problems.
I will take as much blame as I can. But a horse goes to water when it is thirsty. And if you leave it alone they say: it dies. And my family were not behind me, it was a mirage. I paid with own labours what others had funding from their parents and sponsors. I had a breakdown. I cannot apologise for having a breakdown. And I had left the club before it happened. Did you not get my message.

I don't think my work realised that I had taken an over dose. The supervisor said that the first day back was the hardest. And before I took the time off, they said that they all thought I should get in touch with my best friend. That if I stayed with Fred I might end up in ward number four. I've all ready been there, I said. The manager cut my contract in half and I agreed.I lied about my best friend being in England. I used the city of a competition I once went to. I had also burnt my bridges. Not just Fred.

I didn't tell the doctor about the reasons behind my over dose because I hadn't had the time to figure it out myself . I requested my medical notes not all that long ago. They documented that my over dose was "manifestations of mental ill health." Yes I was depressed off my back side. When I was going in and out of consciousness, Fred sat next to me glaring at the doctors. I woke up and said to Fred that he was worse than a parasite, stuck to my side and draining the life out of me. The doctor was smirking and trying to hide it. And Fred scowled at him. Fred had no objections when I took the drip out and signed myself home. He obviously didn't want me talking too in depth to the professional's in case the truth came to light. In my mind as well as theirs.

So is Fred abusive? If so, that's a really tough situation to be in. I'm sorry.

We are not together anymore. But he was what I would call, pathologically possessive. And I felt trapped. I over dosed because he took an article home from work one day and slammed it on the table in front of me and said look your in the paper. It was related to a soap story line, coronation street to be exact where a female character: Kirsty, abused her male partner:Tyrone. But we never fought physically, just twice where HE lashed out at me. And it was not a fight. He tried to make me believe it was the other way around, when he knew that his behaviour was not normal.

He would say that I was projecting my step dad onto him and I was really angry at my step dad and not him. That wasn't true. I call him dad over My blood father. He would say I resented him as he believed it meant jealous. For the plain fact he earned more and was perfectly healthy. I could question the second half of his claim. I feel like my breakdown has made me a better person in some ways. And if I have needed meds to get through then I believe that makes me more in touch with what my head and body need. I am fine now. Since I left him I have just got better and happier.