Do these behaviors fit with bipolar disorder?

Hello, everyone,

I originally posted this thread in the caregivers section as I didn't want to intrude in this section, since I do not have bipolar myself, but I was advised by a member that it might be more appropriate to post here. I hope that's ok.

I was directed to this forum by a friend who lives with bipolar II after he told me that the erratic behavior of my ex boyfriend reminds him of his experience with bipolar. I am not looking to 'diagnose' him - merely to try and make some sense of something that has left me spinning and confused.

I have been seeing a 30 y.o. guy for almost a year. Our situation is a little unusual: I work online and therefore have been moving countries once every few months for the past several years since I'm not tied anywhere by my job. He has been doing the same, although looking for work wherever he goes. So when we met, I thought we were a great match. Around five months ago, we moved together to Laos, he found a job and we'd been living peacefully, with the plan of staying for about a year before relocating somewhere else.

I met him in italy when he was staying with some friends, right after a long motorbike trip around Europe which included an impulsive trip to Canada for two weeks in which he spent all his money. When I met him he was acting normal... We dated, spent quiet time together, he went out partying a couple of times but nothing out of the ordinary.

Then we moved to Laos and he became hyperactive and reckless. He was unable to sit still, even spending half an hour alone with me after work was impossible - party party party, during which he was unable to stay still, kept running around talking to everyone, always drinking until 5 am then off to work and starting again as soon as he was off. He did always take me with him saying it was more fun with me around, but the truth is I might as well not have been there since he gave attention to everyone but me. Eventually he started to seem annoyed by my presence, saying having to give me attention, be nice to me and "please me" was taxing, that he just wanted to be "alone" meaning surrounded by strangers he didn't have to think about and could be rude to.

During this phase I experienced the random bouts of rage where he threw anything in my face including the fact that I was hungry and wanted dinner - saying he didn't need to eat or sleep, he just wanted to party and go crazy and dance on tables and my being around was "holding him back" even though I never actually tried to restrain him at all - it was all in his head. Whenever we were alone he was exhausted, just reading, lost all interest in sex. But as soon as any stranger was around, he would jump up and explode with energy.

And then disaster struck.

The business where he worked was sold and the new owner, without even talking to him face to face, let him know he'd be replaced by a cousin and let go. He suddenly exploded into anger and darkness, ended up being fired on the spot for being rude to the new owner and the staff, and he was taking it out on me. I kept my distance, figuring it would pass. But the next morning he told me his heart is shut, he has no feelings for anyone, he hates everything and everyone and he wanted to break up with me and start over alone a new life in a new country. To say I was shocked and devastated is an understatement. Until two days earlier we were still planning what to do in case the job didn't work out - go home, see our families, then pick another country and move - and suddenly he was this angry, cold stranger. When I was crying, he was actually annoyed and muttering he should have just up and disappeared to avoid all complications - while anytime I'd been upset before he'd been so loving and concerned. I didn't even recognize this person.

Such an extreme overreaction that left me astonished, when up until the day before he was calmly saying if the job didn't work out he'd just look for another one, or we could just move somewhere else.

I moved to a farm where I used to work, and the strange thing is that he moved there with me. I welcomed him to stay because I was concerned about him - he seemed dead, not talking, not smiling. Even when he managed to laugh and chat, after he would say that he feels no happiness and is not having fun, that there's nothing to do but wait for death. That he just wants to be alone and can't think about anyone else.

The strange thing is, that the last week I spent there after the breakup, things were great. We were still together 24/7, we took a road trip and had an amazing time, we chatted and laughed and frankly got along much better than we had in the past. When I asked him how this was any different than being in a relationship, he said it's because in his head he's alone - thinking only about himself - and that although we get along wonderfully, are a perfect match, I was the perfect girlfriend, he still wants to drop everything and start over alone somewhere else (to get 'high' on all the distractions of a new life so he can feel temporarily better) although he knows it won't work, he will not be happy, because he's been doing it all his life but it never works.

He told me he's diagnosed as depressive. HIs father committed suicide from severe depression when he was 14 and he never got over that. His mother has been writing to me worried sick about how he's always done this, and it's like he has two different personalities, and it's not normal, and he should go to a doctor and take medication. I wished her the best, but there's nothing I can do about it.

realized also that his last long relationship, also almost one year, was long distance. I actually think things would have been better if we too had been long distance meeting only every now and then, so I would have been a positive exciting element rather than part of the routine that he couldn't stand.

Also, he has a history of settling down somewhere, building a life, then suddenly running away to start over in a new country. I assumed they were planned moves like they are for me (I also relocate a lot since I work online) but I think for him it's actually more of a compulsion.

I don't know if this could fit with bipolar or something else. It would seem from a few stories I read on other forums that after the crash he would get closer, not end things. But I don't know. And it doesn't really matter... I'm just trying to make some kind of sense of it all in my head.

Thank you so very much for putting up with the novel I just wrote...

As someone with Bipolar I, a father with Bipolar II, and a mother with Bipolar II, I’ll tell you what I think: There are countless possible explanations for his behavior, and one of those possibilities is Bipolar. From what I gather and how I see it, he experiences full-blown mania as well as very low depression. Depression alone wouldn’t account for his erratic and manic-sounding behavior, so it’s possible that his diagnosis of depression is incomplete (which is my very-unprofessional, practically-ignorant point of view).

Yes, I believe his behavior and expressed feelings would meet some of the criteria for Bipolar. It could be a combination of issues, no issues, or different issues, but if I went to my own psychiatrist and told her I had the experiences that your ex has had/is having, I am certain that she would diagnose me with Bipolar, at least.

Hope this helps! *Hus*

It does sound like bipolar, but he would need to see a professional to get a diagnosis. Not sure if he'd be willing to do that.

As you know, we cannot diagnose but these experiences do seem as though they could be symptoms of bipolar. I am so sorry you had to go through such a devastating loss!

Thank you very much for your kind and helpful replies!

Unfortunately, there is not much I can do to help anyway. While he is keeping in touch with a couple of random texts a day, I don't feel texting is the right way to bring up serious issues. I did agree with his mother that she should try to bring him to a doctor when he returns home (although she too says it's highly unlikely he will go) and tactfully mentioned the possibility of bipolar, hoping she will maybe look into it.

I will see him in a few weeks when he comes to Italy to retrieve his motorbike, and perhaps I could bring up the topic then, but I do feel like I might be overstepping.

All in all, I don't see what more I could do - I'm not his spouse or a relative, after all - apart from focusing on myself at the moment.

I was also wondering, if it's not too much trouble, if I may inquire further about the issue that leaves me most perplexed - this huge overreaction to what seemed a minor and manageable issue up until the day before, the job loss. I told him I didn't understand why it had destroyed him so much and he said he didn't know either.
This extreme reaction of hatred of life and wanting to run away to start a new life where nobody knows him (which appears to be the common pattern in his life) is perplexing. I did find a thread on Reddit where a few people with bipolar described doing the same thing regularly, or at least wanting to but being unable because of practical matters, but I didn't get much insight on the mental process that brings on this urge.

I was wondering if anyone here has experienced something similar, or if you might know of any resources where I might gather more information. Once again I apologise for the bother - it's a lot of new information and I'm feeling a little lost.

Hello again!
Not a bother. At all. I would take a job loss very hard too. Why? One reason anymore is that I'm older (55) and have found jobs that I can handle much harder to get (and have literally been told I wasn't hired for being too old. Yeah, illegal, I know...) When I was young, I'd change jobs like socks. Over time the pace of change slowed some (more fear of losing them crept in). I'm in job #41 currently. Another REALLY big thing about job loss is that it feels like it's reinforcing all the negative thoughts about myself that I have. So it's easy to descend into depression.

As far as moving, haha, oh yes! I would have to reflect awhile to remember exactly, but I've moved something on the order of 25 times in my adult life. Several times thousands of miles (always in same country, though I did ponder another awhile back). A few years ago, I moved 3,000 miles only to turn around less than 3 months later and move back. What precipitates all this moving? Usually for me it was a hypomanic surge. Everything seems so do-able. Just move! It'll all work out! Once it was a dream. Woke up, announced we should sell the house and move 3,000 to an out-of-the-way place where we knew no one. The fast move back one was because I'd been in the worst mixed episode of my life and was sure I'd kill myself if I stayed. There is also an element of getting away from yourself, and if you don't like yourself, that is very appealing. The first time someone told me, "wherever you go, there you are", my reply was, "dammit".

Well, I've got to run, but I hope that helps answer some.

Aint that the truth!!

Thank you very much for your input, it is indeed very helpful

I have been thinking about that sentence a lot too lately. Unfortunately it would seem he knows this but doesn't know how else to cope apart from keep running to chase the brief periods of respite.
I sincerely hope his mother will be able to persuade him to seek help. It pains me to know he is suffering so much.

It sounds like something is definitely going on. It's possible it's BP but it's possible it is something else or a combination of BP and something else. Only a dr can help you/him figure it out.

I have definitely moved. My job puts me in the spotlight. When I make a stupid decision based on the BP I can't stand the thought of staying and facing the judgment of everyone in the community.

He probably completely meant it when he said he didn’t know why. There are so many triggers, especially stress, that provoke a shift on the bipolar spectrum. I can logically recognize when I’m being irrational, but it doesn’t mean I can help it. There’s an intense, all-consuming SURGE of EVERY SINGLE emotion possible, and it is sometimes expressed in the form of rage. Even if I’m mostly sad, or confused, or afraid (or whatever), the overall processing is as rage. Sometime I get very manic. Sometimes I get very depressed. Sometimes, again, it’s rage. Irritability. Agitation. While I am most self-destructive when I’m manic, I can be extremely self-destructive when I rage. Almost always, I’m triggered by the most seemingly-insufficient matter. Reason is neglected. It’s so uncontrollable. ALSO, it festers! I get angry at myself for being so angry or out of control— then I’m pissed because of that. Then I’m angry at my existence. Then I loathe everyone else. It’s an ugly and vicious cycle.

Also, self destruction or extreme decisions can be a coping mechanism. It’s like when people cut themselves, they do it because all of their emotional pain is instantly relieved when they feel that physical pain. Or like when you get super angry and throw something that breaks; as soon as it breaks there is such a rush of release. It’s the same with some bipolar states of mind: alleviation of negativity is dealt with by destroying something. By making a horrible decision. By causing yourself a great loss. By being drastic enough to hinder your life. It’s the extreme nature of the behavior that replaces whatever negativity you were desperate to rid. The negativity I fight is often, simply, my own thoughts. My feelings. It’s all in my head. But it’s a very real thing. I try to DISTRACT myself with something even more extreme. This reckless behavior is addicting. It’s addicting because of how good it feels and how it relieves so much pressure, pain, fear, sorrow, etc. . . . Despite how temporary that relief is.

I hope that makes sense. It’s not the same for everyone, but I’m just trying to express how I personally can understand his behavior. I hope it helps.

I’ll add one more note: Medication helps me GREATLY. I’m not able to feel so many things to such extremes. The “chaos volume” is turned WAY down. The issue is just STAYING on my medicine. As of December, 2017, I have been, miraculously.

I knew of a lady who is BP. She match house buyers with lenders, and she charged allot of points for this. She made very good money. One day she gave away her house to her neighbor, for no money at all, and moved away. Does this sound familiar?

Yes, I've experienced something quite similar. I was with a man for several years. His behavior was just as you described your boyfriend's behavior, right down to his extreme reaction to the loss of a good job. I was always trying to figure out "what was wrong" with the man. It seemed to me that maybe he had bipolar disorder, or that he had borderline personality disorder, or that he had some kind of psychotic disorder. Or all three. His moods were all over the place and he would act like he completely adored me and was deeply in love - then suddenly a switch would flip and he hated me and would avoid me.

Finally, one night everything went to hell. I was in serious danger from this man and, long story short, I left and never communicated with him again.

One day by very strange chance I ran into a relative of the man's. The relative informed me that my former guy had been in a psychiatric hospital for almost a year. Turned out that all the years we were together, the guy was an alcoholic an a drug abuser (meth and heroin). No wonder his moods were crazy and all over the place. No wonder he had bouts of paranoia. I had always considered myself quite savvy about sensing substance use, but I had completely missed on that one.

So. As someone else on this thread pointed out, while your boyfriend's behavior might sound like he has bipolar disorder there could be a zillion other reasons that explain the way he behaves. There is no possible way for anyone on an online forum to diagnose your bf. A diagnosis should not even be proposed. I'm very sorry you're in such a rotten situation. If I were you, as hard as it is, I'd stay far away from the guy. In the long run, you will benefit. I promise you that.

Ha! You just reminded me of something he told me... that once while running around the United States, he bought a motorbike for 5000 dollars. And a month or so later, he got bored with it so he just left it to some guy for 400 dollars No wonder he is always without money... from what I understand, he blew through all the money he inherited after his father's death and every time he manages to save some money with his work, he'll end up spending it all in a couple of months of frenzy.

Sounds familiar indeed...

Thank you so very much for your wise words. Yes, you are indeed right that nobody but a doctor can diagnose him and, whatever his issues, I do hope his mother will persuade him to seek help since something is clearly not right. I guess since I will never know, I'm just looking for anything that might explain his erratic behavior to sort of make peace with the fact that the life I enjoyed so much in Laos has been torn to shreds in the blink of an eye for reasons that I can't begin to understand, so I can move past this as soon as possible.

Rainbow Child - I don't know how to thank you for your incredibly helpful explanations. While I may not be able to truly understand, it helps immensely to read of your experiences. Thank you so very much for taking the time to help me.

Based also on some things he said, and thinking about what you described, I get the impression that he somehow enjoys putting himself in difficult situations because having to scramble to make it through gives him something to focus on. As soon as everything is calm and peaceful, he has time to wallow in his thoughts and he starts feeling as if life is pointless since there's nothing to fill this emptiness he constantly feels. Partying and drinking and talking to strangers might offer some temporary relief/distraction, but it never lasts very long - starting a new life from scratch will give him something to keep busy for a while longer. And then, as soon as he's settled, the cycle will start again. I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but it's the impression I'm getting.

I wonder sometimes if I might be partially to blame for the onset of his depression.
Partly it's because of the hateful way he treated me sometimes while in his hyperactive phase. Like he couldn't stand to have me around even though he was always the one insisting for us to do everything together. I offered multiple times to leave him alone to do his thing, when he was back to normal, but he always refused.

Partly it's because of something he said during one specific anger episode. He said he "needed space" because while at work he had to be nice to customers, and at home he had to be nice to me, and he just wanted to be around strangers he didn't have to care or worry about and could be rude to if he wanted. In that moment, he said that every nice gesture done towards me was basically out of obligation and he found it taxing, like coming to check on me while out or holding my hand.
I tried to tell him that all these "expectations" he felt he had to comply to were all in his head as I never demanded any of it from him, but it was like talking to a wall.
The next day, when he was calm, I asked him if, since everything seemed to be an obligation, there was anything at all he enjoyed about being in a relationship. He said he had overreacted (his go to phrase after every angry outburst) and purposefully exaggerated things, and that he just had "issues to be with someone" and it happened in each of his relationships. I then told him that since I loved him, I wanted him to be happy more than I wanted to be with him and that if being with me was making him unhappy, I would leave at once. He told me to stay and, when I asked what I could do to improve the situation, he said I was doing everything perfectly and the issues were all his.

This is the same refrain he brought up after he crashed. That I was the perfect girlfriend and did everything right but he just needed to "be alone in his head" and think only about himself without worrying about anyone else's needs. In vain I tried to explain again that we are two different independent individuals and I never asked him to "think for two" - I suspect it's not something he can consciously change.

I have moments when I think maybe I was just making him miserable as he didn't enjoy my company anymore, but then it would make no sense for him to spend the following week glued to my side, even taking a trip together and having a blast. When I asked, he said that even though we were always together he was "alone in his head". Or why he would tell me he'd have kept spending all the time with me if I'd stayed as I'm the best company, or that it would be weird to stay there without me, or how much he'd miss me after I left.

I'm not sure i understand. It would seem my company is indeed enjoyable to him, it's the pressure of whatever "being in a relationship" means in his head that he can't handle. And as much as I tried to "logic it away", I don't think that approach could ever work.

I once again repeated that I just wanted him to be happy and if being without me was what he needed, I'd gladly leave. He snorted, looking miserable, and said nothing would make him happy.

Sorry for rambling - I'm just thinking out loud. I have no idea if this can be a trait of depression or anything else or if anyone can recognise a similar pattern in their own experience, but I foud it helpful to write about.

It is perfectly normal to wonder why things turned sour so quickly.

It is entirely normal to want to make peace with the whole situation.

And no: you most definitely do not have any responsibility for his depression, or for any other actions he took or will take. Simply put, no one has that kind of power over another person.

The healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to ask yourself to be at peace with the odd mystery of his behavior, and to fully accept that your relationship with that person is completely over and done. It will probably take some time. When you do have peace and acceptance you will be able to move on.

Obligation??!! Ugh! I would get out. That's no way to be thought about. Even if he flip flops with it.

I see other issues going on around this (the relationship stuff). I can't relate it to my experience with bipolar at all. I should clarify too, since it had come up, that I'm not suggesting he has it, merely discussing things I can relate to. Like others have pointed out, it could be all kinds of things. Which may or may not include bipolar.

Whatever is going on, I hate to see you treated like this.

I do not know what is wrong with him, but one distinct possibility is that he is actually mentally ill. He needs to get to a pdoc to be evaluated to help him get a handle on his behavior. There also is a real possibility that his behavvior will not change, particularly if he is not willing to help himself by getting help. You are not responsible for his behavior, what he says to you, and how he is feeling. He is IMO being abusive toward you. I think the reason is irrelevant. He needs to understand this instead of giving excuses and not trying to do anything about it.

I had a girlfriend who was abused by her husband for ten years. He would hit her even when pregnant with his child. He would take his girl friends home with him. She complained during this abuse. He left her and his children, went into Mexico, found another woman, married this woman while married to my girlfriend, smuggled her into the US, and had a child with her.

My girlfriend and her children spent time with me. I fell in love with her and her children. She would purposely get into fights with me pushing my buttons. Then she would hold her face toward to me and turned it to show me her cheek. This is when I discovered that she was trying to get me to slap her. I walked away. When I was taking care of my girlfriend and her children, I found out that she still romantically loved her ex husband. I had been talking to her and helping her as much as I possibly could while she was with me. I then decided to leave her so she can come to terms with her love for her ex husband. I still held up my promise to her that I will always be there for her and her children. Now it is twennty years later and I am still helping her.

What I discovered is that I could not help her no matter how I tried, no matter how well I treated her and her children. It turned out to be a terrible experience but I still wanted to stay and help. This did not do me or her any good. I felt the best thing for her was for me to leave her, no matter how difficult this was for me, and this was very very difficult for me to have done.

I think you should consider doing the same. IMO you need to leave him to give him space. He needs this space in order for him to take responsability for his behavior and get help. If he decides to run away again by moving, that is his decision. You are not responsible for him and how he feels and what he does.

All IMO FWIW

——this is one of the best analyses I have ever read on this site! Kudos. I hate the support groups in my city that say don’t give advice. You have been in that situation. I like advice that cuts right to the core issues! Big thanks!

You beat me to it, luvyourself, but I wanted to give an extra shout out to these excellent points, and in particular the part about making excuses instead of trying to do anything about it. This indicates that nothing will ever get better because nothing will change. There is always an excuse handy.

Sorry to say, and it is meant in all caring.

Bipolarian is more like it.