[kk307]

I admitted myself a couple of weeks ago after going through a very deep depression on a trip with two of my friends, one being a friend of over 10 years and the other a close co-worker, who witnessed everything. I had never felt so alone. It was all in my head. My friends didn't know what to do and would just let me cry and cry in the bathroom. I guess they were over it. I was too. I understood. I apologized profusely on the flight home, as my issue was not to be an excuse. However, I knew my episode wasn't me. They wouldn't understand that.

Returning from vacation, neither friend would talk to me for days. Again, I understood. Those who haven't dealt with mental illness really don't understand. It's not their fault.

I ended up admitting myself because the depression only got worse. I sought another friend I hadn't seen in about a year, and she took me to the ER that night. She was there with me through it all. She called me every day when she could have just turned her head the other way.

My friend of 10 years called me 5 days later after finding out I admitted myself and what my diagnosis was, as I'm very close with her mother and her mother told her. She was incredibly nice on the phone about everything. I couldn't help but feel resentful, and I was trying to block those feelings. So, I stayed positive on the phone. She then tells me that she told the co-worker where I was and that I was diagnosed with bipolar asking if it was okay of her to say that. Again, I stayed positive. On the inside, I felt betrayed. I didn't want to get into it on the phone.

After hanging up, I went to my room at the hospital and cried and cried. I felt so betrayed. I wasn't close with the co-worker, and I felt it wasn't her place to tell her anything. Since she is a co-worker that I haven't known very long, how was I to know that she wouldn't blab? I was also frustrated that my friend of 10 years was quick to talk about me to other people, yet she only called me one time the entire week I was there. I was also still trying to process the diagnosis myself, as it was shocking and depressing in itself. A part of me could see why she might've told her to explain and excuse my actions on vacation, but at the same time, why should she.

I know a lot of my feelings are irrational and dramatic, I know this. However, I can't seem to let it go. It's causing me huge distress. Am I being irrational? I don't think she's a terrible person by any means, but I just don't want anything to do with her right now and she keeps contacting me asking what she did. I just don't know what to do, as I'm so close to her family. They have always been my family. The co-worker hasn't reached out to me, and I haven't reached out to her. For good reason, we aren't and have never been close.

I know, I know. Why worried about "friend drama" but we've always been each others biggest supporters. I'm not close with my family, so her and her family has always been mine too. I spend Christmas with them. I feel like I've lost a family all over again. Many say to suck it up and realize no one is perfect, which is true. However, she of all people knew I've been struggling for a good part of my life. I also see her side in that she probably needed the space after the vacation.

Advice? It's eating at me. Sorry for the extensive post, I tend to write novels as it helps me vent and get it. Thank you.

[diamondprincess]

I know how you feel. I felt betrayed by someone also, but also had doubts and struggles just like you. Like maybe I am blowing things up, but I also had the right to feel the way I felt. I struggled with this for awhile and I still do, but I had to realize this is part of what it is like to have BP. When other people don't understand, sometimes things like this happen. They may be tired of you or whatever. It hurts, but I just had to accept that I am mentally ill and I have to help myself at the end of the day. Otherwise, we will lose everyone in our lives. Feel the feelings you feel and take the time you need to overcome it, but don't shut her out forever. Just process the feelings and then remember you are fighting a constant battle and that the people around you being affected as well.

I'm sorry you were so ill during a trip. It's scary to be ill far from home.

Mental illness is indeed hard for many to understand. It is also scary. It is sometimes an illness where people stay away, while otherwise they may be by your side.

There are a few ways to look at why your good friend told your co-worker. Maybe:

1. If you were in your good friend's shoes and vice versa, would you have told the co-worker if she had had a stroke or heart attack? Maybe not, but if so, consider why you think those illnesses can be shared, but not a mental illness.

2. She was scared and confused for you and sharing with others relieved her in some way?

3. She can't help but spill information on many things?

4. Another reason?

You need to ask your friend why she shared the information. Then you can have a conversation.

My advice is that you ask your friend not to share about your event, hospitalization, and diagnosis any further. That you would like to do so at your discretion. I hope she'll comply. I hope, however, that you'ld avoid having such a conversation with anger, and would accept any apologies.

Accepting a diagnosis of bipolar disorder is NOT easy. The experience can be overwhelming. It takes time, and I know there are many fears, sometimes embarrassments, and other issues to work through including the fear of stigma (not just from others, but maybe our own past and even remaining views on mental illness).

If you need time away from some people to process your bipolar diagnosis, it is fully understandable. Let those people you care about know if you need this space.

[Skeezyks]

Hello kk: I believe this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

One other forum, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...-communication

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some interest, the first 2 by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

You Can Only Change Yourself

We Are Responsible for Our Own Feelings

Let Go & Free Yourself: 21 Strategies | The Psychology of Success

In-Depth: Living with Bipolar Disorder

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-smal...olar-disorder/

My best wishes to you...

[Blueberrybook]

OMG, what an awful situation! I am so sorry for you! I hope you can work things out with your friend and that your co-worker will keep it to herself.

[Rainbow Child]

You’re not being irrational in my opinion. Betrayal is a real and valid emotion. It’s also an intense emotion. You’re justified in giving yourself space and being upset. She definitely made a mistake. I think she probably needs to know what she did. She clearly doesn’t see the issue. Not having bipolar makes it very difficult to understand how PERSONAL bipolar disorder can be. If I were in your shoes, I’d say something along the lines of, “I get it may not seem like a big deal, but I’m haveing a REALLY hard time dealing with the fact that you told [so-and-so] something that’s so personal and sensitive to me. I’m not mad, it just hurt me. But I know you didn’t mean to upset me, and I will get over it. I’m working on it.”
Maybe that will provide some needed openness and start some productive and supportive communication. Also, I bet you NEED to get it off your chest. You’d likely feel much better and be able to sincerely forgive her.

Hopefully your coworker keeps it under wraps. *Hugs*

[Victoria'smom]

I would ask her why she said anything. My husband told his friend when I was in the hospital. How'd I find out? that friend called me. No warning, nothing. I was pissed and betrayed. I wouldn't let my husband visit me. I finally asked why he did that. He told me he couldn't talk to his family or mine and he needed someone to talk to.

[Wonderfalls]

My understanding is that your co-worker was right there when you had your breakdown. I think that your friend's giving her a simple explanation and reassurance that you were being treated for your obvious problem was just normal, even kind, behavior. It would be entirely different if your friend had told your co-worker out of the blue.

[~Christina]

I would have to ask your friend “ what the hell ? “

Hope the coworker doesn’t feel the need to share your business

Sorry this happened to you.

Take care of yourself

[Miss Laura]

This happened to me. I told a very close friend and co-worker when I was really ill with depression that I was suicidal and had been self harming. She took it upon herself to go straight to my manager and tell him everything. He in tow went to HR. I was on a day off and got a voicemail from HR saying we had a meeting booked for the following week regarding a situation that had arised. Followed by a voicemail from my manager who said my friend had told him everything and he was concerned. I liked him so I wasn't mad to begin with. By the following week I was livid at my friend and him and HR. They were rather patronising. In the end I was sacked on ill health grounds which was BS! I never spike to my friend again. Sad times.

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

This happened to me. I told a very close friend and co-worker when I was really ill with depression that I was suicidal and had been self harming. She took it upon herself to go straight to my manager and tell him everything. He in tow went to HR. I was on a day off and got a voicemail from HR saying we had a meeting booked for the following week regarding a situation that had arised. Followed by a voicemail from my manager who said my friend had told him everything and he was concerned. I liked him so I wasn't mad to begin with. By the following week I was livid at my friend and him and HR. They were rather patronising. In the end I was sacked on ill health grounds which was BS! I never spike to my friend again. Sad times.

Miss Laura, that is horrible what happened to you! I would think you would have had some legal grounds against that employer.

[kk307]

Originally Posted by diamondprincess

I know how you feel. I felt betrayed by someone also, but also had doubts and struggles just like you. Like maybe I am blowing things up, but I also had the right to feel the way I felt. I struggled with this for awhile and I still do, but I had to realize this is part of what it is like to have BP. When other people don't understand, sometimes things like this happen. They may be tired of you or whatever. It hurts, but I just had to accept that I am mentally ill and I have to help myself at the end of the day. Otherwise, we will lose everyone in our lives. Feel the feelings you feel and take the time you need to overcome it, but don't shut her out forever. Just process the feelings and then remember you are fighting a constant battle and that the people around you being affected as well.

Thank you so much. I definitely need the time to process my feelings, so I can talk about it without being defensive.

[Miss Laura]

Hey,

I would of appealed it however I was severely depressed by the time they sacked me as they made me go on "special leave" for 4 months. Was only meant to be a week. They said they would need 7 days worth of risk assessments which I still don't understand why 3 I can understand. They kept delaying it and I went into a sever depression unknown to them I made sure I was "happy" when I went to the meeting. I took a union member in with me. They said they couldn't place me anywhere in their service which is utter BS as I had been working for the company for over 3 years and had worked my way through 2 promotions to become a Key Worker. I worked for ironically a mental health charity. Started off in a low rank and worked my way up all while ill but that wasn't considered. I had in legal terms 3 years to appeal it but I thought what's the point. Tbh I should of appealed it. But it's a bad company to work for. However as they sacked me in the meeting they did say if I wanted to apply for a job at a later date I would get an interview. Yeah like I want to work for them again. Glad I'm away from there however I can't get a job in that field again which sucks

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Miss Laura, that is horrible what happened to you! I would think you would have had some legal grounds against that employer.

[kk307]

I texted this:

"I don't mean to leave you in the dark. I was just taken back by everything the last couple of weeks, and I needed to process it in a healthy manner until I could talk about it with you. I'm having a rough time accepting that you told (so and so) something that is so personal and sensitive to me. Something that I'm still trying to accept and something that my family didn't even know at the time. I'm not mad, it just hurt me. I know you didn't mean to upset me, and I will get over it. I just need some time. I hope you understand."

How's that? I haven't received a response yet, but I already feel so much better just letting it out regardless of what her response is.

Originally Posted by kk307

I texted this:

"I don't mean to leave you in the dark. I was just taken back by everything the last couple of weeks, and I needed to process it in a healthy manner until I could talk about it with you. I'm having a rough time accepting that you told (so and so) something that is so personal and sensitive to me. Something that I'm still trying to accept and something that my family didn't even know at the time. I'm not mad, it just hurt me. I know you didn't mean to upset me, and I will get over it. I just need some time. I hope you understand."

How's that? I haven't received a response yet, but I already feel so much better just letting it out regardless of what her response is.

This sounds perfect to me!

[kk307]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

This sounds perfect to me!

Thank you!
I'm feeling so anxious about all of this, but it felt good to let it out. No one should be left in the dark, and I came to that conclusion this morning.
I hope everything works out in the end. I'm just still very hurt about it all. I hope it passes, but I'm stubborn and have a hard time trusting

[TishaBuv]

The most important thing here is you figuring out what is really going on with you and caring for that.

If your friend is a true friend, all will be fine about her having told your personal info to the coworker. I’d give your friend a pass because the coworker was present during the trip, so her telling her was an innocent ‘mistake’. When you have the talk with her about the email, I’d just ask her to please not tell anyone else.

Not to minimize your situation, but I have learned that my friend of 40 years has been telling everyone who knows us both that I have Borderline Personality Disorder AFTER I have explained to her time and again that the several doctors I have seen have said I do not have the disorder (only traits that came out due to severe bad marriage). What a “friend”, huh???

[Rainbow Child]

Originally Posted by kk307

I texted this:

"I don't mean to leave you in the dark. I was just taken back by everything the last couple of weeks, and I needed to process it in a healthy manner until I could talk about it with you. I'm having a rough time accepting that you told (so and so) something that is so personal and sensitive to me. Something that I'm still trying to accept and something that my family didn't even know at the time. I'm not mad, it just hurt me. I know you didn't mean to upset me, and I will get over it. I just need some time. I hope you understand."

How's that? I haven't received a response yet, but I already feel so much better just letting it out regardless of what her response is.

That sounds great! I knew you’d feel better, and I’m SO glad you do!
You’re doing a great job handling a very difficult thing.

[kk307]

She responded by saying that she felt that the girl needed an explanation since she witnessed everything she did and if I need time to take it.

It’d be okay, but I specifically told her mom I didn’t even want to tell my family yet.

Something just doesn’t sit right with me, so I guess I do need more time because I’m more upset now.

I guess I just needed an apology that I didn’t get. Not sure what to think and I’m driving myself crazy thinking I’m in the wrong for feeling the way I do.

[TishaBuv]

You are not wrong to feel like you do. Your friend refuses to respect you. It was your personal, private information that you do not want gossiped. The coworker did not have any ‘right to know’, your friend is saying her judgment is more important to her than respecting your privacy and wishes.

[luvyrself]

Originally Posted by kk307

I admitted myself a couple of weeks ago after going through a very deep depression on a trip with two of my friends, one being a friend of over 10 years and the other a close co-worker, who witnessed everything. I had never felt so alone. It was all in my head. My friends didn't know what to do and would just let me cry and cry in the bathroom. I guess they were over it. I was too. I understood. I apologized profusely on the flight home, as my issue was not to be an excuse. However, I knew my episode wasn't me. They wouldn't understand that.

Returning from vacation, neither friend would talk to me for days. Again, I understood. Those who haven't dealt with mental illness really don't understand. It's not their fault.

I ended up admitting myself because the depression only got worse. I sought another friend I hadn't seen in about a year, and she took me to the ER that
night. She was there with me through it all. She called me every day when she could have just turned her head the other way.

My friend of 10 years called me 5 days later after finding out I admitted myself and what my diagnosis was, as I'm very close with her mother and her mother told her. She was incredibly nice on the phone about everything. I couldn't help but feel resentful, and I was trying to block those feelings. So, I stayed positive on the phone. She then tells me that she told the co-worker where I was and
that I was diagnosed with bipolar asking if it was okay of her to say that. Again, I stayed positive. On the inside, I felt betrayed. I didn't want to get into it on the phone.

After hanging up, I went to my room at the hospital and cried and cried. I felt so betrayed. I wasn't close with the co-worker, and I felt it wasn't her place to tell her anything. Since she is a co-worker that I haven't known very long, how was I to know that she wouldn't blab? I was also frustrated that my friend of 10 years was quick to talk about me to other people, yet she only called me one time the entire week I was there. I was also still trying to process the diagnosis myself, as it was shocking and depressing in itself. A part of me could see why she might've told her to explain and excuse my actions on vacation, but at the same time, why should she.

I know a lot of my feelings are irrational and dramatic, I know this. However, I can't seem to let it go. It's causing me huge distress. Am I being irrational? I don't think she's a terrible person by any means, but I just don't want anything to do with her right now and she keeps contacting me asking what she did. I just don't know what to do, as I'm so close to her family. They have always been my family. The co-worker hasn't reached out to me, and I haven't reached out to her. For good reason, we aren't and have never been close.

I know, I know. Why worried about "friend drama" but we've always been each others biggest supporters. I'm not close with my family, so her and her family has always been mine too. I spend Christmas with them. I feel like I've lost a family all over again. Many say to suck it up and realize no one is perfect, which is true. However, she of all people knew I've been struggling for a good part of my life. I also see her side in that she probably needed the space after the vacation.

Advice? It's eating at me. Sorry for the extensive post, I tend to write novels as it helps me vent and get it. Thank you.

——big topic here. Your friend blew it big time. This was just plain ignorant. Sure we would all be tempted to tell this. How old is the friend? If she is young and really naive and a bff, have a long talk and consider forgiving her. Would she be likely to repeat a mistake? Would u feel safe around her? Stigma is so dangerous because there are so many variations of our disease like addictions that people do naturally generalize about us so they can keep their eyes open when they don’t know us well. If you forgive her don’t have her around people who shouldn’t know things, anything about you. Stigma is worse now because of all the mass shootings. Sorry. I have been betrayed by friends in other ways. Once they do it they are probably not to be trusted.

[downandlonely]

I'm sorry your friend betrayed you like that. I would be hurt too. I think you should tell her that you don't want her sharing your diagnosis with others. She probably did that out of ignorance. I hope you can get past this, because it sounds like the friendship meant a lot to you.

[Rainbow Child]

Originally Posted by kk307

She responded by saying that she felt that the girl needed an explanation since she witnessed everything she did and if I need time to take it.

It’d be okay, but I specifically told her mom I didn’t even want to tell my family yet.

Something just doesn’t sit right with me, so I guess I do need more time because I’m more upset now.

I guess I just needed an apology that I didn’t get. Not sure what to think and I’m driving myself crazy thinking I’m in the wrong for feeling the way I do.

Oh, wow. Well let me tell you that her response was definitely NOT helpful from my point of view! YOU ARE NOT WRONG FEELING HOW YOU DO. You opened up to her and her response seemed cold.
You are right to expect an apology, given your friendship and history.

It sounds like all you can do at this point is make the decision to put it behind you, and work on doing so. Moving on from this will likely mean you have to accept that you’re not getting an apology. Her point of view is clearly different from yours. It’s a bummer, but it is what it is. Take it as a lesson learned for future reference. Be selective with what you open up to her about.
This whole thing alone isn’t worth throwing away a friendship over, so definitely remain open to getting it back on track.
Meanwhile, YOU ARE ENTITLED to think and feel everythaing that you’re thinking and feeling. I would certainly feel the exact same!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by kk307

I texted this:


"I don't mean to leave you in the dark. I was just taken back by everything the last couple of weeks, and I needed to process it in a healthy manner until I could talk about it with you. I'm having a rough time accepting that you told (so and so) something that is so personal and sensitive to me. Something that I'm still trying to accept and something that my family didn't even know at the time. I'm not mad, it just hurt me. I know you didn't mean to upset me, and I will get over it. I just need some time. I hope you understand."


How's that? I haven't received a response yet, but I already feel so much better just letting it out regardless of what her response is.

I think you did great !!!! Good for you

[~Christina]

Reading her response to you ... I would want a damn apology.