today I had my shower (and as I predicted, felt gross afterwards)

then I had to order all my shopping- not the best of things to do, but it's gotta be done.

and now I have the rest of the day to act like a coutch potato (so just normal and that)
suicidal feelings still their- and lots of depression, but feel slightly better today.. given it's friday, and tomorrow (saturday the 1st), I get to open
my advent calendar for the first time

I can't believe it's 25 days until christmas day but it is

[tecomsin]

I get dizzy on check in threads as there are so many conversations going on I'm not able to focus on one at a time. That's why I don't post too often on this one. It is frustrating. I get literally dizzy and a bit nauseous even.

I woke up too early again today. Maybe I am going to bed too early and getting enough sleep after all. I don't feel manic just really tired yesterday and had no appetite because of the nausea.

I was dealing yesterday with a lot of feelings from my child hood and also some massive regrets about my life, how i fell off the deep end and failed in the fundamental thing we all must do which is to have a social network. My son has been in a good mood and that has helped. It would be tough if we were both really struggling at the same time.

[Moose72]

I got my $ today- 200 more than I thought I would. But thats $ I normally would get; I just didn't expect to get it today. Now I can pay bills and get the one present Im buying for people.

Feelin good again today. :-D

The house has gotten a bit messy. I need to tackle that today. I also need to make a reservation at a restaurant for this Sunday. My husband has invited two of his work friends and their SOs to join us at a local Inn/restaurant. Hubby loves parties, but with me as his wife, parties are infrequent. It's always a bit awkward having to find ways to explain what my work situation is. It inevitably comes up.

I have a therapist appointment today. That's awkward, too, because I've grown to feel she is offering me very little. I imagine she gets the wind of that dissatisfaction. Maybe she thinks I'm not a good fit as a client for her. I'm still sort of grieving the loss of my last therapist. I adored my last therapist and she was so extremely helpful, but she had to move far from my home. It's such a pity! I really need a good therapist right now. I find I'm leaning heavily on my beloved psychiatrist. He knows that and has been giving me more appointments and an extra 10 mins to each, lately. My current therapist knows this, too. I'm not very careful about hiding this fact. My psychiatrist is like a father figure to me, and I've known him for about 14 years. I see him a lot more often than my own father.

[bizi]

I am glad that you have a great relationship with your pdoc.
I walk on a tight rope with mine of 16 years.
bizi

[Blueberrybook]

I ran, at least less than yesterday, but still too much though I did finally have the sense to stop and head home, walking.

It's a hard time of year for me. Hard too that one of my sister's classmates passed away this week (went downhill after emergency surgery). My middle sister was born close in age to me; she was only 1 year behind me in school, so he was in some of my classes that were electives and in a few school clubs with me. It's crazy when someone is posting happily on Facebook, joking around, and 2 weeks later they are gone. He went with my sister & me when I was 16 and they were 15 to sneak into an "R" rated movie, just for the fun of it. So now my Facebook feed is covered with memories and stories of him, which is hard too

Have a T appt today, the last day of my insurance. The person I spoke with yesterday about insurance stuff wasn't as helpful as I had hoped, but did have some useful information, so it was worthwhile enough. (I have a couple of weeks to act on my alternatives. Dreading it, as it is an online app, which I suck at doing).

Found out one of my housemates is moving. I'm no fan of change (unless it's my idea, lol). It makes me anxious, though that would be a common enough reaction. I'll deal.

Got a message from someone my ex-BF contacted. It was... interesting. Not entirely sure how to proceed, but inclined toward blowing it off. I'll call back -- this is a nice person that has helped me in the past, so I don't want to be a total jerk, but other follow-through? Probably not.

Mood-wise, holding steady (basically because I refuse to think about some realities [read: insurance], lol). Using my light box. May have to start getting up *even* earlier as it's impossible to get more than 15 min. in otherwise. Work has gotten out of hand, but that is typical of the season.

So... meh, whatever, fine.

Hugs!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

today I had my shower (and as I predicted, felt gross afterwards)


then I had to order all my shopping- not the best of things to do, but it's gotta be done.


and now I have the rest of the day to act like a coutch potato (so just normal and that)

suicidal feelings still their- and lots of depression, but feel slightly better today.. given it's friday, and tomorrow (saturday the 1st), I get to open

my advent calendar for the first time


I can't believe it's 25 days until christmas day but it is

Glad your feeling better even if it’s just a little bit.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I get dizzy on check in threads as there are so many conversations going on I'm not able to focus on one at a time. That's why I don't post too often on this one. It is frustrating. I get literally dizzy and a bit nauseous even.


I woke up too early again today. Maybe I am going to bed too early and getting enough sleep after all. I don't feel manic just really tired yesterday and had no appetite because of the nausea.


I was dealing yesterday with a lot of feelings from my child hood and also some massive regrets about my life, how i fell off the deep end and failed in the fundamental thing we all must do which is to have a social network. My son has been in a good mood and that has helped. It would be tough if we were both really struggling at the same time.

This thread often confuses me too, I do quotes a lot so the person know I’m responding to them

I too woke up far to early I guess 5 hours was enough or I could be headed to hell , don’t know and sometimes I don’t care.

I’m sorry your struggling with some regret in life. I have a very small circle.

Good for you that your son and you are doing well.

Are you still feeling nauseous? Hope not I hate that more than anything.

Hope today is a good one for you.

Be kind to yourself today

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I got my $ today- 200 more than I thought I would. But thats $ I normally would get; I just didn't expect to get it today. Now I can pay bills and get the one present Im buying for people.


Feelin good again today. :-D

Xtra money is fantastic!!!! Good for you.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

The house has gotten a bit messy. I need to tackle that today. I also need to make a reservation at a restaurant for this Sunday. My husband has invited two of his work friends and their SOs to join us at a local Inn/restaurant. Hubby loves parties, but with me as his wife, parties are infrequent. It's always a bit awkward having to find ways to explain what my work situation is. It inevitably comes up.

I have a therapist appointment today. That's awkward, too, because I've grown to feel she is offering me very little. I imagine she gets the wind of that dissatisfaction. Maybe she thinks I'm not a good fit as a client for her. I'm still sort of grieving the loss of my last therapist. I adored my last therapist and she was so extremely helpful, but she had to move far from my home. It's such a pity! I really need a good therapist right now. I find I'm leaning heavily on my beloved psychiatrist. He knows that and has been giving me more appointments and an extra 10 mins to each, lately. My current therapist knows this, too. I'm not very careful about hiding this fact. My psychiatrist is like a father figure to me, and I've known him for about 14 years. I see him a lot more often than my own father.

My husband is also good with people all around ....me, on the other hand not so much.

The “ what work do you do question “ I loathe it. I usually say I work from home, then turn it around and saying and what do you do and act like I care , usually bores me to death but I put in the effort.

Omg T ‘s. I had the same T for 7 years when we moved flying Florida I couldn’t find one , we move back here I was told he retired, I tried a new T it was useless, he offered no help and mainly talked about himself and his depression ... wtf

My old Richard actually had not retired and I’m back with him , he has saved my life many times , he’s 68 with no plans to retire so until he physically or mentally can’t manage he plans to continue.

I will quit therapy once he’s done. I refuse to even try another T. I don’t know how to do Therapy without him.

I will just have to remember everything I have learned from him

Do you think you might need to ditch this one and try someone else?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Have a T appt today, the last day of my insurance. The person I spoke with yesterday about insurance stuff wasn't as helpful as I had hoped, but did have some useful information, so it was worthwhile enough. (I have a couple of weeks to act on my alternatives. Dreading it, as it is an online app, which I suck at doing).


Found out one of my housemates is moving. I'm no fan of change (unless it's my idea, lol). It makes me anxious, though that would be a common enough reaction. I'll deal.


Got a message from someone my ex-BF contacted. It was... interesting. Not entirely sure how to proceed, but inclined toward blowing it off. I'll call back -- this is a nice person that has helped me in the past, so I don't want to be a total jerk, but other follow-through? Probably not.


Mood-wise, holding steady (basically because I refuse to think about some realities [read: insurance], lol). Using my light box. May have to start getting up *even* earlier as it's impossible to get more than 15 min. in otherwise. Work has gotten out of hand, but that is typical of the season.


So... meh, whatever, fine.


Hugs!

Damn here I was really hoping that person could fix things right up

Do you have anyone that can help you get the online bit done?

Hopefully a the new housemate will be a good one. Change sucks for sure.

Sure make the call but I to would let it go , that’s part of your past no need to drag it along

Yes do get up earlier your light box needs YOU , I’m sure it gets lonely lol

Any news about a new job. I know seasonal workers are needed in retail but I’d rather muck stalls or take nails into my body than deal with the holiday shoppers , ugh

I’ve got my body parts all crossed hoping you find something soon that works well for you.

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Have a T appt today, the last day of my insurance. The person I spoke with yesterday about insurance stuff wasn't as helpful as I had hoped, but did have some useful information, so it was worthwhile enough. (I have a couple of weeks to act on my alternatives. Dreading it, as it is an online app, which I suck at doing).

Found out one of my housemates is moving. I'm no fan of change (unless it's my idea, lol). It makes me anxious, though that would be a common enough reaction. I'll deal.

Got a message from someone my ex-BF contacted. It was... interesting. Not entirely sure how to proceed, but inclined toward blowing it off. I'll call back -- this is a nice person that has helped me in the past, so I don't want to be a total jerk, but other follow-through? Probably not.

Mood-wise, holding steady (basically because I refuse to think about some realities [read: insurance], lol). Using my light box. May have to start getting up *even* earlier as it's impossible to get more than 15 min. in otherwise. Work has gotten out of hand, but that is typical of the season.

So... meh, whatever, fine.

Hugs!

Sorry you have to deal with all of the changes at once. Things will even out, though.

Originally Posted by Moose72

I got my $ today- 200 more than I thought I would. But thats $ I normally would get; I just didn't expect to get it today. Now I can pay bills and get the one present Im buying for people.

Feelin good again today. :-D

That's a nice relief, Moose! I hope it helps you enjoy the rest of the year

Originally Posted by ~Christina

My husband is also good with people all around ....me, on the other hand not so much.

The “ what work do you do question “ I loathe it. I usually say I work from home, then turn it around and saying and what do you do and act like I care , usually bores me to death but I put in the effort.

Omg T ‘s. I had the same T for 7 years when we moved flying Florida I couldn’t find one , we move back here I was told he retired, I tried a new T it was useless, he offered no help and mainly talked about himself and his depression ... wtf

My old Richard actually had not retired and I’m back with him , he has saved my life many times , he’s 68 with no plans to retire so until he physically or mentally can’t manage he plans to continue.

I will quit therapy once he’s done. I refuse to even try another T. I don’t know how to do Therapy without him.

I will just have to remember everything I have learned from him

Do you think you might need to ditch this one and try someone else?

Sometimes I find a way to talk about what I used to do without actually using the present tense. I agree that quick subject changes may be the way to go.

I hope your Richard keeps working a long long time. My psychiatrist told me he never plans to retire, either, but my hubby and I might move in a few to five years. I understand your wanting to quit when Richard stops working. I might do that eventually with a therapist, but we'll still likely need to get meds.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Yes do get up earlier your light box needs YOU , I’m sure it gets lonely lol

Any news about a new job. I know seasonal workers are needed in retail but I’d rather muck stalls or take nails into my body than deal with the holiday shoppers , ugh

I'm making it up to my light box right now.

Yeah, I totally feel the same about retail.

I'm meeting today (just got off the phone) with a job-finding helper, so we will see how that goes. My current job was found by someone in the same position. I never would have found it on my own (they didn't advertise and I didn't know anything about what was in that area of town). I did see one ad that intrigues, though the hours seem a little too variable on the low end. I will write to them anyway to learn more. Oh, and another ad, but it is full time and no closer than the current job. But it is an über-cool company! Lol.

Something will turn up. And it's always easier to find a job when you've already got one. Much less stress looking too.

Maybe I'm being negative, but over the years and recently, I've read a bunch of posts where people say they're hypomanic or manic, and then all of a sudden it "wears off" after a day or two with no depression. I feel like a lot of people are quick to jump to "I'm hypo/manic!" when in reality, it boils down to having a good day. Maybe it's because I want to help, but I also don't want to accuse anybody of simply having a good day, because I could be wrong. And the other thing is... sometimes when we're depressed, we have 1 good day where we don't feel bad and then "I'm not depressed! I'm hypomanic now!"

Sorry for being negative. With the holidays coming up, I want to be supportive, because some people do genuinely get manic/hypomanic/depressed/mixed, but I don't want to be harsh and say "that's normal behavior." So I'm refraining from posting in those threads.

Otherwise, had a good day. My boss ripped the POS guy at work a new asshole.

[Guiness187055]

I can't win. The state of Florida says they sent a letter notifying me that I had to have a phone interview to continue food stamps. I don't recall getting this notice nor is it on my electronic notices. So now I have to reapply for food stamps which takes hours that I don't have because I am leaving town. I won't have good internet where I am going so I can't apply from there. I have to wait till I get home to reapply which means I will be without food stamps for 2 months. Gonna be tough but just might make it. Time will tell. Thanks for listening to my rant. Hope everyone is having a better day than me.

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Otherwise, had a good day. My boss ripped the POS guy at work a new asshole.

Excellent!

I don't think you're being negative on the other. A classic exasperater for me is hearing simple caffeination called hypo/mania. Seriously. No.

I think it's fair to be discerning. And choosing not to post when in doubt is a reasonable choice.

Hope you're doing well!

[Moose72]

Feeling irritable. Not fun. Feel short-tempered too. Out to lunch. Maybe eating will help? Or it cant be the change in meds...

[Blueberrybook]

Hard day concentrating today.

Stupid ED is wanting me to walk around the block, burn more calories.

Manicky BP is saying, "Yeah, go do it! You have the energy! Try to break your latest exercise record!"

Depressed me is saying, "You're still fat. You're worthless. Why did you live through that stupid ulcer? You should have done X on that day in December for years ago. Anyone else would have. It's all your fault."

Shut up, brain.

Depressed.
I can't/won't do any of my work and have a headache. I went out for a walk in the park for a change today, but really I just want everything to stop.

[Moose72]

Im feeling so anxious about not being able to pay the rent today even though i think its not late (with a penalty) on Monday. I have a T appointment in the morning and then my case manager after that, that day.

Feeling like I hate myself right now. Yeah I know I was happy this mornijng.

It's official: the rent didn't get paid today. gotta wait till monday. Its good that the first fell on a saturday.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Hard day concentrating today.

Stupid ED is wanting me to walk around the block, burn more calories.

Manicky BP is saying, "Yeah, go do it! You have the energy! Try to break your latest exercise record!"

Depressed me is saying, "You're still fat. You're worthless. Why did you live through that stupid ulcer? You should have done X on that day in December for years ago. Anyone else would have. It's all your fault."

Shut up, brain.

My brain tells me Im fat, too. But I am! So that's probably why. Didn't used to be before psych drugs

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Moose72

My brain tells me Im fat, too. But I am! So that's probably why. Didn't used to be before psych drugs

I hate that my stupid brain can't even agree with itself! And I know logically that I am not fat, am in fact underweight. I haven't even been overweight in my liftetime, maybe could have lost 5 lb. in high school, but I never got any exercise or watched what I ate at all. My highest weight was when pregnant, and it was the expected 25-30 lb. weight gain for a baby, and I lost so much in the hospital, and breastfeeding; I couldn't keep weight on nursing. Crazy too, my ED wasn't bugging me when nursing, so I wasn't over-the-moon celebrating those weights. OB told me it happens to some moms exclusively breastfeeding, and being a stay-at-home mom, I nursed A LOT. Plus, my daughter teethed early (first tooth at 3 months), and supposedly, nursing was supposed to help with teething pain.