[Tryingtobehappy5]

My Dr just refused to give me more sleeping pills. I only got 7 from the walk in and have 5 left. Even though Im fine if i get sleep.

Said it would be bad medicine and enabling like giving a pain killer to someone with a ton of bricks on top of them instead of taking the bricks off lol and that the other Dr only gave me some so I would come back and see her. Shes right too I told him I might not go to the appt he made for me and he told me I was going to have to or I would run out of sleeping pills. I feel stupid for falling for that little trick.

Apparently I bring so much tension to a room its like a rubber band about to snap lol and said that im higher than I was when I seen her a few weeks ago and even since I seen the other Dr. Mostly I found it all funny, except not getting what I came for and when she made me feel bad like I was doing something bad to my family. I dont know, i think my kids are happier cause I have fun joking with them and stuff. I yell and swear too but its not like i dont do that when im "normal"

She booked me for next week again but I dont know if I will go. And then my T emailed me and tried to book me next week too but im working at the time she said. I sent a bad email yesterday when i wasnt doing as well, like i was just agressive and hyper and I wish i wouldnt have sent it so i think i have to stop emailing too. I feel like its all a trap like they are gonna force me to take the meds or do something else if i dont come see them even if im fine. Yes Im a bita high but its not bad and Im sure I will be fine. Good sleep would help that though. They just want me medicated, evem though i wasnt until a couple years ago and i was ok then even if i wasnt completely stable. Why is that the goal anyway, why doesnt anyone want to fully feel the good and the bad. If it ends badly its nothing new to me I know how to be horribly depressed, they will never fix that anyway they just dont like me being up even though its not as bad. And if it ends even worse than that well its been a long time coming anyways.

[hopeless2015]

Sending hugs to all

Things are going ok. I've vlbeen with this new department at work for just over a month. I like it, still lots to learn though but I'm happy I made the change

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Had an ok day today. Met my new student, it went well with him. He had a good day for the most part. He’s a behavioral kid, not a physically or developmentally disabled kid so it’s different than what I’ve done in the past at this school. It’s a nice change. His behavior is not violent, just quirky. Like he’s obsessed with going to the office and calling his mom. He hates school. He goes to the bathroom too often and he vomits intentionally in the hopes that the nurse will send him home. Stuff like that. I can handle all that. If he were violent I wouldn’t be able to deal.


The day is just dragging today though. I just want it to be bedtime already. I wish I could skip forward to Saturday. That’s when I’m seeing RS again. Although I’m starting to get freaked out. I like him so much already. I’m afraid I will fall in love with him and then somehow he will disappear. Either by choice or by death. I killed my husband with my mental illness. If I hadn’t been so Ill he wouldn’t have gotten addicted to drugs to deal with it. He wouldn’t have overdosed. Whose to say it won’t happen again? It’s so much safer to be alone. No chance of getting hurt. And no chance of hurting someone else.


I guess it’s something I have to talk about in therapy. She doesn’t know that I think I killed my husband. No one knows, because they would all tell me I’m being ridiculous and it’s not true, when I know it is.


I don’t know. I’m just scared. I don’t want to kill or drive away another one. Even though in the past 3.5 years I’ve had 2.5 years stable (intermittently) I just know this illness can read its ugly head at any time. My husband couldn’t handle it, I don’t think anyone really could.


Sigh. Thanks for letting me talk. I have no one IRL to voice these concerns to. I know you all won’t judge me.

YOU DID NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND

He got addicted to drugs and NO it wasn’t your BP struggles that caused it. It was HIS choice to start drugs.

Please hun .... please listen and work with your T to realize that you didn’t cause it.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

My Dr just refused to give me more sleeping pills. I only got 7 from the walk in and have 5 left. Even though Im fine if i get sleep.

Said it would be bad medicine and enabling like giving a pain killer to someone with a ton of bricks on top of them instead of taking the bricks off lol and that the other Dr only gave me some so I would come back and see her. Shes right too I told him I might not go to the appt he made for me and he told me I was going to have to or I would run out of sleeping pills. I feel stupid for falling for that little trick.

Apparently I bring so much tension to a room its like a rubber band about to snap lol and said that im higher than I was when I seen her a few weeks ago and even since I seen the other Dr. Mostly I found it all funny, except not getting what I came for and when she made me feel bad like I was doing something bad to my family. I dont know, i think my kids are happier cause I have fun joking with them and stuff. I yell and swear too but its not like i dont do that when im "normal"

She booked me for next week again but I dont know if I will go. And then my T emailed me and tried to book me next week too but im working at the time she said. I sent a bad email yesterday when i wasnt doing as well, like i was just agressive and hyper and I wish i wouldnt have sent it so i think i have to stop emailing too. I feel like its all a trap like they are gonna force me to take the meds or do something else if i dont come see them even if im fine. Yes Im a bita high but its not bad and Im sure I will be fine. Good sleep would help that though. They just want me medicated, evem though i wasnt until a couple years ago and i was ok then even if i wasnt completely stable. Why is that the goal anyway, why doesnt anyone want to fully feel the good and the bad. If it ends badly its nothing new to me I know how to be horribly depressed, they will never fix that anyway they just dont like me being up even though its not as bad. And if it ends even worse than that well its been a long time coming anyways.

Can you go off sleeping pills cold turkey?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

My Dr just refused to give me more sleeping pills. I only got 7 from the walk in and have 5 left. Even though Im fine if i get sleep.


Said it would be bad medicine and enabling like giving a pain killer to someone with a ton of bricks on top of them instead of taking the bricks off lol and that the other Dr only gave me some so I would come back and see her. Shes right too I told him I might not go to the appt he made for me and he told me I was going to have to or I would run out of sleeping pills. I feel stupid for falling for that little trick.


Apparently I bring so much tension to a room its like a rubber band about to snap lol and said that im higher than I was when I seen her a few weeks ago and even since I seen the other Dr. Mostly I found it all funny, except not getting what I came for and when she made me feel bad like I was doing something bad to my family. I dont know, i think my kids are happier cause I have fun joking with them and stuff. I yell and swear too but its not like i dont do that when im "normal"


She booked me for next week again but I dont know if I will go. And then my T emailed me and tried to book me next week too but im working at the time she said. I sent a bad email yesterday when i wasnt doing as well, like i was just agressive and hyper and I wish i wouldnt have sent it so i think i have to stop emailing too. I feel like its all a trap like they are gonna force me to take the meds or do something else if i dont come see them even if im fine. Yes Im a bita high but its not bad and Im sure I will be fine. Good sleep would help that though. They just want me medicated, evem though i wasnt until a couple years ago and i was ok then even if i wasnt completely stable. Why is that the goal anyway, why doesnt anyone want to fully feel the good and the bad. If it ends badly its nothing new to me I know how to be horribly depressed, they will never fix that anyway they just dont like me being up even though its not as bad. And if it ends even worse than that well its been a long time coming anyways.

Coming off sleeping meds can really cause a train wreck multiple times.

I got tired of Ambien once , I just was sick of medicating myself to sleep.

How did it go ??? I was awake for 5 days solid. I was a mess. I wound up IP.

Not sure what Med your on, hopefully it’s not going to cause you much grief if you quit it.

Please keep your appts , there are ways to safely decrease certain meds to make it a easier landing.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I went in to get zopiclone because im not sleeping good and he only gave me 7 (was gonna give me 2 weeks then read more of my chart and changed it to a week lol) all my meds were switched to weekly a few months ago but then i quit everything cold turkey a month ago. But sleep makes me feel less explosive and vile and more straight happy. I dont mind either but obviously happy is preferable for being around anyone

[~Christina]

All your meds are given for just a week at a time ?

Maybe your Pdoc is worried about you having to many meds on hand ?

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

My Dr just refused to give me more sleeping pills. I only got 7 from the walk in and have 5 left. Even though Im fine if i get sleep.

Said it would be bad medicine and enabling like giving a pain killer to someone with a ton of bricks on top of them instead of taking the bricks off lol and that the other Dr only gave me some so I would come back and see her. Shes right too I told him I might not go to the appt he made for me and he told me I was going to have to or I would run out of sleeping pills. I feel stupid for falling for that little trick.

Apparently I bring so much tension to a room its like a rubber band about to snap lol and said that im higher than I was when I seen her a few weeks ago and even since I seen the other Dr. Mostly I found it all funny, except not getting what I came for and when she made me feel bad like I was doing something bad to my family. I dont know, i think my kids are happier cause I have fun joking with them and stuff. I yell and swear too but its not like i dont do that when im "normal"

She booked me for next week again but I dont know if I will go. And then my T emailed me and tried to book me next week too but im working at the time she said. I sent a bad email yesterday when i wasnt doing as well, like i was just agressive and hyper and I wish i wouldnt have sent it so i think i have to stop emailing too. I feel like its all a trap like they are gonna force me to take the meds or do something else if i dont come see them even if im fine. Yes Im a bita high but its not bad and Im sure I will be fine. Good sleep would help that though. They just want me medicated, evem though i wasnt until a couple years ago and i was ok then even if i wasnt completely stable. Why is that the goal anyway, why doesnt anyone want to fully feel the good and the bad. If it ends badly its nothing new to me I know how to be horribly depressed, they will never fix that anyway they just dont like me being up even though its not as bad. And if it ends even worse than that well its been a long time coming anyways.

I usually don’t say this, but:
You’re sounding manic and irrational.
For the sake of your kids please reconsider your decision to not take meds. This won’t end pretty
The fact that you want sleeping meds but don’t want (other) meds is a contradiction in itself.

[yellow_fleurs]

Went to my work holiday party today. Didn't really want to but did it anyways and actually really enjoyed myself. I feel lucky to work with these people I need to just keep making myself be social even if I don't want to because of depression.

Also missing someone tonight, my sister's best friend who passed away suddenly his year. We did holidays together some years ago. It's not that I would likely see him often if he were alive, but the world feels a little emptier knowing he's not a part of it.

Sending out hugs to all who want them.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

All your meds are given for just a week at a time ?

Maybe your Pdoc is worried about you having to many meds on hand ?

"Recurrent suicidal urges" was the explanation of the switch from monthly after my last IP. But that was all while I was on the magic meds that only made me worse anyways. I picked them up a couple times after quitting as a safety net but quit doing that at least so i dont really have that much sitting around.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

All your meds are given for just a week at a time ?

Maybe your Pdoc is worried about you having to many meds on hand ?

I get mine weekly because my pdoc's been doing a lot of changes lately.

[pirilin]

Two days to blast off.

Cheers.

[beauflow]

The first part is what my phone saved from I believe Monday, I vaguely remember this :
**** this all.. yes, **** it all..
I dont understand... some times I do but today I don't.. so for a big chunk of my life I've been right there with "what's the root problem "... and I guess I am just really realizing again, one of my root problems is my brain, I can't undo this...

I see a general doctor tomorrow... going in for a wellness visit. .. I don't think there's any reason to talk to them... I'll have to find a t on my own, I probably should
-----------
This is right now when I want to preview to read it:
I went and saw a general doc on Tuesday, havenot seen one for a while now , she is nice.. doing regular exam things... I told her of what three pdocs have dx me with, all consistent with three diagnoses which one a type of bipolar (rapid cycling.. and when i debated that with one she said she still put NOS if not rapid cycling)..

general doc was good to talk with, really encourage me to get back into counseling @ least... she mentioned she'd find more info on a blood test that can assist with what meds may be a fit for me. Because I am big on not wanting to be a guineapig and I am sorry for that ...just what I've tried made my paranoia worse where I was locking myself in rooms.. but my depression I feel maybe getting worse as I get older.. and my bank account the last few months, I am ashamed of myself.
she talked with me on MIs -- I get it, understand what and why diagnosis are needed for help of treatment - had even finished her thoughts on it.. but.. just when it's me, I am not those things, I am me.. a part of me is like "this is just life".

If I can be honest dont want to lose when I feel love everywhere and every thing is great and I am very productive.. I love me when I am there.... idk, some days I don't think they ((pdocs)) are right, ... but I then i flip to sui thoughts.. my angry or my voice being mean to me or just really down self thoughts ((depression i get it -i guess)).

some times I wonder if the diagnosis are wrong.. well not the PTSD understand why that keeps getting put on me., some times I wonder if I am just so low on self esteem ... and like I've said the last two years or more... there is that thought some times - that my manic or hypomania or whatever it is-- isn't as bad as my mom's or brother's... I learned so much from them.. and my dad.

The genral doc on Tuesday asked about manic .. idk tbh .. sure maybe to some.. my ex thought so at times... of course never the times I wanted sex all the time though.
It's very confusing for me, ... and yet I am the one that brought up the suspicion of me being bipolar ((first docs verbally told me no, but had written in my chart I found out later)).
Just makes me feel even more leery of doctors, but I've been upfront with how being honest with me really goes along way.
Been up and down this week... idk if it'll stop or if it ever did

[Pikku Myy]

Alive. Happy... I think I might be more towards a personality disorder. I had an triggering couple of weeks and I don't remember who I was. Is this still in Bipolar tendencies or am I hallucination again. Ty

[TheSeaCat]

I am angry and beyond irritated, I ended up hanging out with M after work trying to help him figure out what CME's he should take at an upcoming conference and I get bombarded the moment I get home. Work was great and anytime I can hang out with M is a plus but I can't keep doing this. I am sick of this and father. He suggested that my job is stressful and that maybe I should quit my dream job and go back to work to retail so I can focus on getting my Bachelor's Degree; that my grades have probably slipped and that he has taken the liberty of scheduling an appointment with the idiot NP I mentioned a few days ago; that my meds need to be changed. Since she seems to know all the stuff my doctor doesn't. My doctor has a MD from a pretty top school, she has a Nurse Practitioner degree from an online institution.

He thinks my doctor is wrong that I don't need a Cardiologist that since my Echo has came back perfect nothing is wrong. Um I still have a heart rate that terrifies most medical providers that isn't a Cardiologist. I still have an arrhythmia that requires medication.

He also thinks my medication isn't right, I have been stable and working since he put me on the dosage I am now. He thinks I am unstable and making horrible decisions that she can help me.

I like my doctor, he has done everything right in my mind. I am finally working and doing something I love and he keeps tearing me down and being a controlling idiot. I am seriously considering moving out this week. I can't keep dealing with him and his issues. I know I can be controlling but I have never been this controlling. He confessed that he is terrified of this job breaking me like the other job did when I was terminated unfairly.

I feel different at this job than I did at my old job. I am doing something that will advance my career, I have a great relationship with my boss, I don't trust her; but I don't trust a whole lot of people. My last session with my therapist he asked me to list the people I trusted. I could only put one name down, my doctor. I don't trust anybody because of what happened, I don't even trust my family. I am sick of him treating me like an unruly child that has issues. I am honestly the most stable I have been since April. My anxiety is being helped with medication I haven't bit my nails in over a month, the Seroquel has killed the depression and my hypo symptoms. Therapy is helping me with the PTSD, even though I still can't say certain names. I don't get why now when I am at my best he tries helping. What about when I was at my worst he told me to get out of bed that it couldn't possibly be that bad and that surely I didn't need to see my doctor for a panic attack. I know one thing is for sure; I'm not going to be home this weekend and I certainly am not going to be seeing that NP who will no doubt change my medication which will no doubt destabilize me. I will see my doctor Monday and he will see that I am making leaps and doing fine and that he will change my one month visits to every other month; which I am so ready for.

I am so ready to see my T tomorrow it isn't even funny. I am also staying the night at R's. Listened to his rant, canceled the appointment with the idiot. Packed on overnight bag and cute clothes for work and am now working on school work; which if anything my grades are stronger than they have ever been. I haven't missed an assignment or test. I want this degree and a Master's so bad I can taste it.

Hugs to everyone

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Can you go off sleeping pills cold turkey?

What do you take for sleeping pills? Can the doctor try some other med? Have you tried melatonin or valerian root? They worked for me pre-pregnancy though I had to combine them (not recommended online or by docs, so that would be a use at your own risk type thing) to fall asleep. I'd drink chamomile tea before though that mostly helped a little with anxiety, less for sleep.

doing okay.

this morning did all my shopping list, and now just chilling

had my shower too, gross but yeah what would be new on that front

[Blueberrybook]

OMG, I am so, so queasy this morning. Almost threw up. Can an extra 100 mg of Seroquel do that? Hopefully, just hormones. I feel blah.

[pirilin]

One day to blast off.

Cheers.

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

OMG, I am so, so queasy this morning. Almost threw up. Can an extra 100 mg of Seroquel do that? Hopefully, just hormones. I feel blah.

Seroquel XR nearly made me vomit when I went off it. If you went off Seroquel or reduced the dose, then yes, it'd be possible it'd make you queasy. So I'm guessing the opposite could be true (i.e., increasing the dose making you queasy).

Sorry, haven't paid attention to anyone's posts in this thread, so idk what happened with your Seroquel Rx.

Hope you feel better soon.

Originally Posted by TheSeaCat

I am angry and beyond irritated, I ended up hanging out with M after work trying to help him figure out what CME's he should take at an upcoming conference and I get bombarded the moment I get home. Work was great and anytime I can hang out with M is a plus but I can't keep doing this. I am sick of this and father. He suggested that my job is stressful and that maybe I should quit my dream job and go back to work to retail so I can focus on getting my Bachelor's Degree; that my grades have probably slipped and that he has taken the liberty of scheduling an appointment with the idiot NP I mentioned a few days ago; that my meds need to be changed. Since she seems to know all the stuff my doctor doesn't. My doctor has a MD from a pretty top school, she has a Nurse Practitioner degree from an online institution.

He thinks my doctor is wrong that I don't need a Cardiologist that since my Echo has came back perfect nothing is wrong. Um I still have a heart rate that terrifies most medical providers that isn't a Cardiologist. I still have an arrhythmia that requires medication.

He also thinks my medication isn't right, I have been stable and working since he put me on the dosage I am now. He thinks I am unstable and making horrible decisions that she can help me.

I like my doctor, he has done everything right in my mind. I am finally working and doing something I love and he keeps tearing me down and being a controlling idiot. I am seriously considering moving out this week. I can't keep dealing with him and his issues. I know I can be controlling but I have never been this controlling. He confessed that he is terrified of this job breaking me like the other job did when I was terminated unfairly.

I feel different at this job than I did at my old job. I am doing something that will advance my career, I have a great relationship with my boss, I don't trust her; but I don't trust a whole lot of people. My last session with my therapist he asked me to list the people I trusted. I could only put one name down, my doctor. I don't trust anybody because of what happened, I don't even trust my family. I am sick of him treating me like an unruly child that has issues. I am honestly the most stable I have been since April. My anxiety is being helped with medication I haven't bit my nails in over a month, the Seroquel has killed the depression and my hypo symptoms. Therapy is helping me with the PTSD, even though I still can't say certain names. I don't get why now when I am at my best he tries helping. What about when I was at my worst he told me to get out of bed that it couldn't possibly be that bad and that surely I didn't need to see my doctor for a panic attack. I know one thing is for sure; I'm not going to be home this weekend and I certainly am not going to be seeing that NP who will no doubt change my medication which will no doubt destabilize me. I will see my doctor Monday and he will see that I am making leaps and doing fine and that he will change my one month visits to every other month; which I am so ready for.

I am so ready to see my T tomorrow it isn't even funny. I am also staying the night at R's. Listened to his rant, canceled the appointment with the idiot. Packed on overnight bag and cute clothes for work and am now working on school work; which if anything my grades are stronger than they have ever been. I haven't missed an assignment or test. I want this degree and a Master's so bad I can taste it.

Hugs to everyone

Wanting to get out of that situation? Uh, yeah! His behavior is irrational (and yes, controlling). You seem to be doing very well (Go you! ). Do I remember correctly that you have a friend you were talking with about moving with?

Doing ok. Felt godawful last night, but I'm feeling ok this morning... so far.

Yesterday started off with BAD depressive feelings to the point I almost left work 1 hour after getting there because I wanted to cry at my desk. (I got there at 6:45am like I normally do, but most people don't come in until 8:30, so no one was there at the time I got in.) I decided to fight back the tears and see if I could cope.

As co-workers came in, I managed to distract myself from the awful thoughts by talking to them; however, I lasted until 2pm before I couldn't take it anymore, so I left.

When I got home, the depressive feelings got worse and worse. In fact, the minute I walked in my door, I bawled my eyes out and felt completely lost and hopeless. It was like a balloon that was inflating all day at work and finally popped when I got home.

I told one of my online friends that no one cared about me (which is technically true because I have no friends IRL and my family isn't supportive), but we had a long talk about why I mattered and that she cared about me. Hearing those words helped me feel a little better.

The big problem was that I had nothing to distract myself with because (1.) I couldn't concentrate, and (2.) I lost complete interest in everything. So I pretty much cried myself to sleep.

I'm glad that today is starting off on the right foot, but who knows how things will go later in the day and tonight.

Originally Posted by ~Christina

YOU DID NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND

He got addicted to drugs and NO it wasn’t your BP struggles that caused it. It was HIS choice to start drugs.

Please hun .... please listen and work with your T to realize that you didn’t cause it.

THIS times a million!
Love ya bunches, wildflowerchild

Originally Posted by Pikku Myy

Alive. Happy... I think I might be more towards a personality disorder. I had an triggering couple of weeks and I don't remember who I was. Is this still in Bipolar tendencies or am I hallucination again. Ty

Sorry I can't answer that, but it's nice to see you! Haven't seen you around in forever. (BP area anyway, I don't get around to other areas of the forums much.) So glad you are happy!

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by Pookyl

I usually don’t say this, but:
You’re sounding manic and irrational.
For the sake of your kids please reconsider your decision to not take meds. This won’t end pretty
The fact that you want sleeping meds but don’t want (other) meds is a contradiction in itself.

It's much easier on the outside to see what is going on and when a person crosses over a line called 'manic and irrational'. At the same time, I have lived through the state of mind described by Tryingtobehappy5. Sent the email, feel that any suspicion that I'm not depressed leads to people thinking I am manic and need to be medicated. I think it is very hard to reach people in that state of mind. In the end, i feel better with the med regime I am on than without. My goal now is to make it through life with out another trip to the psych ward. I have found them to be brutal experiences where I live in Canada.

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

I sent a bad email yesterday when i wasnt doing as well, like i was just agressive and hyper and I wish i wouldnt have sent it so i think i have to stop emailing too. I feel like its all a trap like they are gonna force me to take the meds or do something else if i dont come see them even if im fine. Yes Im a bita high but its not bad and Im sure I will be fine. Good sleep would help that though. They just want me medicated, evem though i wasnt until a couple years ago and i was ok then even if i wasnt completely stable. Why is that the goal anyway, why doesnt anyone want to fully feel the good and the bad. If it ends badly its nothing new to me I know how to be horribly depressed, they will never fix that anyway they just dont like me being up even though its not as bad. And if it ends even worse than that well its been a long time coming anyways.

I've had almost the exact train of thoughts. In the end those episodes ended very badly for me. You also might feel better on medication than you do right now. Try to find meds that help you sleep besides sleeping pills. A number of antipsychotics can do that.