Are you independent or some level of dependent?

I had a psychologist (therapist) of over 5 years that ended her practice a while back. One issue I discussed with her was how dependent I've become on my husband over the last 8 years. Or really, our whole 23 years together. That bothered me because I not only felt a bit "childish" in a certain respect (definitely not all), but also started worrying how I'd manage if I ever lost him. I know that's catastrophizing, but he's turning 60 soon. I'm in my mid 40s. I certainly hope he lives a long time, but what if I do outlive him? My mother died at 61, just one year older than my hubby is.

The psychologist I mentioned took this issue seriously and really pushed me to ask my husband to get me up to date on our financial situation, bill paying, and other crucial tasks and info. I did approach him, actually a few times, but he blew me off, or gave me such limited information thinking that was enough. It really wasn't. Frustrated, I dropped the effort. Really, if anything were to happen to him I'd probably lose it. At this point, I'd probably need my older sister to help me. I even talked to my older brother a bit about this possibility. He said he'd be sure I was OK, too.

Are you fully independent? Or if you are dependent on someone for some or many things, how ready would you be to take over everything?

During my early years with my husband, I had a good career developing. I had been working full-time for quite a while. Heck, I had had at least a summer job since I was 15 years old. I'll admit that before my hubby, I always kept life as simple as possible. After marriage, things seemed to become more complex. My husband took control of the finances without even asking me. I just let him do it. The only bill I really paid was my personal AMEX card bill. Maybe once or twice I was late, and he labeled me "delinquent" and took it over. I was like "Whatever!" But I did work full-time, often 60 hours per week. I even made more money than him. I cooked dinner every night, but the rest of the chores/errands we did together.

After I became very sick, I could do less and less. I was on disability during and after hospitalizations again and again. I tried to work part-time in between, only once managing full-time again. We switched to his health insurance for security. Then I became fully disabled eight years ago, and have not worked since. At times he did almost everything but minor tidying and perhaps cooking. He even took care of our parrot much of the time.

I do most of the chores and errands nowadays, and still do all of the cooking, but that's all I manage besides raising our new parrot. I've tried to volunteer over the years and failed, except some stints as a group leader on a forum (not this one). I sometimes managed an adult school or college course, but that ended. I was writing daily in my blog. That's petered off. I've got to try to do more, but be very careful to regulate my stress levels. Too much stress, I become manic or mixed manic and then crash and burn.

I’m somewhat dependent. My Mom owns my condo and I pay a reduced rent. Additionally, I receive disability payments which are clawed back when I am able to work, though I don’t make enough that they are clawed back completely. At times I am not well enough to live alone at my condo, so I live with my Dad and step-Mom for a few months. I do my own money management, though I have been late on payments before and made unwise purchases.

After struggling trying to do a lot, I gave in and started to depend on hubby much more. My illnesses and chronic pain have gradually gotten worse over the years. I don't know what I'd do without his help/support. Sometimes, I think I'd be sooo very overwhelmed if something happened to him.


WC

i depend on my parents financially quite a bit. so far i have managed to hold down two full-time jobs but only for a maximum of three or four months. even with the full time jobs they didn't pay enough to pay rent and buy food/essentials. i live in a room attached to someone's house, with a tiny kitchen and bathroom, and i'm really happy living there, and to get significantly cheaper it would have to be a shared house probably in a less safe neighbourhood. my parents help me with rent, and some medical expenses (most of the psychological side of things). I cover certain medical expenses, all food and transport and other stuff.

Are you fully independent? Or if you are dependent on someone for some or many things, how ready would you be to take over everything?

I’m not independent at all between cerebral palsy and BP w. Psychosis I’m screwed. I am the one that takes care of the bills, constant paperwork and things like that. I need help from morning until night and I will need accommodations when my husband dies. We are looking into building a studio if anything happens to my husband.

I can’t step in or out of the bath myself.
I can’t put a bra on by myself because of weight gain.
I won’t cook unless I’m held accounted to (thanks ED)
I can’t chop or cut food
I can’t be left alone because someone’s going to come murder me (but having a dog helps a little) or I’ll hurt myself because of some stupid idea
I can’t drive
I can’t be in public (alone or with people) because of paranoia and sole crushing anxiety.
I can’t walk far.
I only go to local store unbusy stores (less than 5 min to get to.)
I need help cleaning
I can’t go up stairs well
Eventually I’ll need a powered wheelchair.
And the list goes on and on.

I see that I may need to be in an assisted living arrangement if anything happens.

I’m independent in small ways but otherwise very dependant on hubby.
The future looks scary and I try not to think of it too often.
I have a whole lot of illnesses which are getting worse with each passing year. E.g. Spina bifida - the type I’ve got kills a person early and yet here I am trucking along in my 40’s.
If hubby were to die I would probably have to move in with one of the kids.

I use to be totally independent. In my younger years I often worked 3 Jobs

But my life exploded at age 43

Since then if I Had to manage everything on my own sure I could do it but I would be scared to death and screw up a lotta bills at first. Plus his income would not be there anymore so just paying for basics would be impossible.

I have the mental illness and numerous chronic pain health issues that would be a huge obstacle.

I could never afford to stay in our home even tho it’s paid for , there is too much upkeep I’m not able to do. I would have to move ... somewhere??! closer to my daughter?? but I can afford to live there.

So yes in many ways I am very dependent on my husband. Can’t imagine life without him.

I just plan on dying first.

I could live without my husband, but it would be very stressful and I would be less stable. I would definitely move out of this house and into an apartment. I would have to rely on outside support for a lot of things, though. I couldn't have the back injections for my chronic pain, for example, without someone to take me home.

Can your husband get life insurance? that would be a reassuring measure. So if he passes you can still maintain your quality of life financially.

If I can get myself ok with medications that control my depression anxiety panic etc. then my only other issues are fatigue and chronic back pain. The back pain is sporadic but severe I’ve got scoliosis and kyphosis, buldging disks , torn ligaments ,degeneration , osteoporosis lol you get it. My backs messed up.

My husband has life insurance that will help me be ok and my kids are teens and very helpful. I think if I’m back in WA not in Germany I have a good friend group that’s like family who are very helpful and supportive. I might need to hire someone to clean and get help driving out of town cuz I get bad panic when driving.

I’d be ok. It would be hard if my panic keeps me from food shopping but I think I can order groceries now online lol.

I do have conversations with my husband about how he’s not allowed to talk to my doctors. Unless I’m suicidal and he’s worried about my safety I’m mature and alway make sure if I need meds I’m in them. And like now I prob shouldn’t have gone off meds but I was great for 5 years. Now I need them and I noticed before anyone snd sm getting back on. I know not everyone can do that and recognize when there starting to loose control but I watch myself my behavior with my kids friends strangers etc and can tell when I’m off and not right.

So I think I’d be ok. I’d prob be like s hermit staying in my house most of the time but I can blame that on being a crazy artist 👩*🎨

I am pretty much dependent on H. Otherwise, I would be dependent on family, probably one of my sisters. I cook, grocery shop, wash laundry, take care of the cats, make school and work lunches, try to parent a tween as best I can with all my issues. Usually deal with my daughter’s school stuff, go over spelling words, sometimes manage to clean.

I haven’t ever really lived independently except 2.5 years getting my M.S. (and living off student loans mostly). The wages the university paid its RAs and TAs was a joke. And you had tuition and books on top of that. It wasn’t really independent, just incurring debt.

Every time I try a job, I end up at or near the hospital. It was 3 times in the last 4 years or so, and finally H and I had to accept I couldn’t work. I can do simple things like the dishes, take my daughter to and from school. Really, it’s depressing.

Right now I probably excel most at distance running and whether this is driven by my ED, by the escape into dissociation, burning off anxiety, OCD type behavior, manic symptoms, sheer will, I really don’t know.

I was in a book club for 6-9 months, but I have let that go too even though I enjoyed it. I am still on the email list but have not attended for months.

Lately, it’s bad. I am so forgetful, just getting through the day is a chore. Yesterday was hard day. I had a stress headache and had forgotten to buy Tylenol, was completely out. Finally, I decided to run to the drugstore, buy their generic. I also had reusable shopping bags to return to the car. I was so focused on those bags, I realized I had forgotten to lock my front door when I got back home. Not only that, I hadn’t even closed the door all the way!

I live with my son and his husband in their house. Not only because my husband is gone and I can't afford to live on my own, but because I shouldn't live on my own. I'm pretty independent but there are times when I need a caregiver, and the two of them have stepped up to help since my hubby died. I miss having my own house and car, but I can always use the family cars when I need to. I go to church by myself and take my sister out to appointments, and I handle all my own finances. But my son has medical POA and can talk to my pdoc anytime there's a concern, and I allow him to check in with me if I'm acting like I'm not taking my meds. So it's a pretty good arrangement, and I don't know where I'd be without the two of them looking after me.

I am mostly independent, to the point where I am probably going to roommate with a coworker. I'm still currently at home with the parents but the main reason I am still at home is because I have a very sick mother still at home; and while we do have home healthcare come in daily to help her my father still deals with most of that burden.

I go to all doctors alone, minus the one time I took a friend with me because it was a specialist and I was terrified out of my mind. I've handled all of my illnesses mostly alone every once in a while someone in my family will ask how I'm feeling; but that is every once in a blue moon.

You do more than I manage to do on a daily basis. I'm terrified of the day my husband dies, and he's a couple of years younger than I am.

I keep the finances, so at least I know where they're at, but the day to day duties I don't handle at all. I don't even take the dogs outside.

What I want to know is how to start doing these things again? I've been depressed for so long that it seems like a way of life.

I told my daughter that when he stepdad dies she's got a new roommate coming in... me! I won't be able to afford living on my own and I'll have to live with a roommate or with my daughter and her husband. I hope I'll be a bit more independent by then so I can help with childcare and homecare....be a live in grandma.

I'm very dependent on my husband now. I used to be a lot more independent but those days are over. If I ever lost my husband I'd be screwed, even if I'm on SSDI.

When I’m sick, I’m usually very sick and unable to care for myself and sometimes I am completely out of touch with reality. Then, I am highly dependent, mostly on my mom (and to a degree my husband and dad) who steps in and takes over. When I’m well, I’m capable of independence. However, the last time I was very sick, it took me 4 years to regain total control of my sanity and as a result, my husband *thinks* he can and needs to control me. It is very frustrating. Am I capable of functioning on my own? Absolutely, 100%. Right now, I work full time (stressful job), take care of my kids and home, and help manage my household consistently and thoroughly and with great stability. My problem however, is that I am quite confident that when and if my husband or mother passes away, I will have another major psychotic break and lose control again. Admittedly, I am afraid of this.

I'm completely independent. Hubby is the one that relies on me. He does get SSI but that's not enough for him to live on. He just can't budget money. I truly worry what would happen to him if I pass first. I mean I do have some life insurance but without someone to manage it for him it'll be gone in a matter of weeks.

I rely on my mother and boyfriend for a lot. I've wanted to live alone but I know I couldn't handle it.