[~Christina]

I ask because a few times I have literally watched it happen but I could do nothing but watch it unfold. No way to help myself.

Other times I just check out during it all.

I love hypo the world is bright and shiny and nothing is impossible.

I get scared when Manic, paranoid and delusional.

I get mildly depressed and I can rationalize it most times.

I know full depression will never end.

I’m mostly scared of mixed , very dangerous time for me, I’m very likely to try and make a grand exit.

Go .....

Heh, when I first saw the question, I thought, no, not really some of them. They fade somewhat, and seem surreal. But then I saw your answer, so here goes...

Hmmm. Hypo. Either sheer exuberance, jumping up and down (literally) with a million ideas or really grouchy and impatient and prone to getting overly bold and aggressive (like calling out strangers on a bus(!))

Manic I'm not really sure. I am not totally sure/in agreement with where they think I went over the line. Though with....

Mixed... yeah, I could see the manic aspect then. The worst one I should have been hospitalized (or put in a cage(!)). Totally out of control, 3 months of sheer hell torment. <shudder> Yes, VERY scary.

Mild depression Meh, whatever.

Severe depression yeah, it feels like it will never ever end. Feels like I could suck the air out of an open air stadium. Yet hard to even breathe. Move like a sloth. (I'm normally a pretty fast walker, etc.) I don't even see the point of trying to reverse it (because how could it possibly work -- nothing does and everything is pointless and sucks.) I can wallow with the best of 'em.

[Wander]

I'm pretty much the same as you Christina.

Hypomanic is generally fun (well at least for me). I am usually euphoric, energetic, charismatic and unfortunately very irritable so I tend to have road rage etc. I recall all of this even though I may not have much insight at the time.

Manic - higher than highs tending towards delusional (I am god etc). Unfortunately I tend to get this way while rapid cycling so it switches to the worst, most raging depression ever, then back and I am basically unaware I was down at all. I often have blackouts of times during this period. These episodes can get very dangerous but thankfully happen rarely. Generally I am hospitalised.

Depression - I rarely get only depressed. Mild depression is fine, but not fun. Severe depression is a nightmare but I generally am safe.

Severely Mixed - unfortunately my main type of major episode, and they can get so severe they require hospitalisation to keep me safe. I generally want to tear my body apart as I am so low but so agitated it is unbearable. The idea of continuing living another day is torture. I also often have blackouts during these episodes and need others to remind me what happened. These episodes terrify my loved ones.

Rapid Cycling - basically this is my baseline state. It is annoying but mild. Occasionally I am stable for a while too.

[wildflowerchild25]

Hypo is beautiful. I’m so happy and energetic. I’m not anxious or upset. I only get anxious when I have to tamp down my energy to appear “normal” in front of people. Maybe I spend a little too much, maybe I drink a little too often, maybe I drive a little too fast, but it’s all manageable.

Manic, well, I’m not sure I’ve ever been fully manic. I don’t know where the line is. I’ve never spent so much that I’ve fallen into irreparable debt, I’ve never slept around, I’ve nevrr had a problem with drinking or drugs, etc etc. so I’m not sure if my dx of bp 1 is even right.

Mixed though...I KNOW I’ve been mixed. These are the episodes I usually “check out” of. They are so stressful and upsetting that I often can’t remember exactly what happened, as if I was watching it from far far away instead of living it. Here comes the psychosis. The paranoia and delusions. And I always end up hurting myself, sometimes severely. Always end up hospitalized.

Mild depression sucks but I still have reason and I can function well. Maybe I move a bit slower and maybe the cleaning doesn’t get done as often but I never fall completely out of line.

Severe depression however is hell. I stop functioning. Showers? Wtf for. Cleaning? Why bother. Excessive negative thoughts, often along the lines of what’s the freaking point, nothing will ever help and even if it dies I’ll be right back here in a few months anyway. So wtf. Often I get paranoid in severe depression as well. This is when the brain splitting thing happens and I start believing my brain is trying to attack me. The worst.

[cashart10]

I never even know when I am hypo. Usually, by the time I am manic, my mom will say I thought you were talking more/much faster and my husband will say, like this past episode that I had been acting strangely. When I am hypo, I obviously do talk faster/more because my mind races and I don’t usually catch my racing mind until it is out of control. I will spend more, drive wrecklessly, and am usually a much more fun and laid back parent. I often get too caught up in religion.

My mania scares me also. If I’ve become religious, it becomes over the top and my delusions will center around that. I also ALWAYS obsess over music, sometimes lots of beautiful music, sometimes only one song. I have many times become dangerously obsessed with people. Before I met my husband I was very permiscuious. Now I masturbate (tmi I know) because I’m embarrassed about my sex drive. I use to spend us into lots of debt (now my husband takes my cards) and take very, very long joy rides (now my husband takes my keys). I use to take irrationally long showers numerous times a day (now my husband limits that too). I often hear voices; sometimes random people talking but sometimes even the voice of God, once even calling me by name. I have spoken in tongues even though I don’t believe in that. I have many accounts of my my positive mania recorded because I always believe my experiences are profound. Then, the paranoia starts. The over the top rage starts. The derealization starts. The delusions become insane and control my mind and actions and it is bad.

I’m not sure about mixed. I’m not sure how many times I’ve been in this state but I would imagine it as those times I have been high but felt I needed to claw into my skin.

Mild depression...little impact except laziness and indifference and loss of interest.

If I’m majorly depressed, I often cry all day and never move from one spot. I stop showering and brushing my teeth. I lose interest in my family and life in general. I overeat. I stop up keeping my house (which is normally fairly tidy). I lose my sex drive altogether. I have the worst thoughts and the worst self image. I never want to go anywhere or do anything. I become incredibly self focused until eventually I become suicidal.

[Pookyl]

Hypo is such fun but it escalates within a couple hours to mania.

Mania is also usually fun. However no one else finds them fun. I believe I can fly, I genuinely believe I can swim underwater and not need to breathe. I’m a danger to myself.

I’m rarely straight out depressed.

Mixed mood tends to be my baseline and I am dangerous (actively sui)

[HALLIEBETH87]

You already know my answer.

Mania and such I just forgot it. It’s like it never happened.

I initially interpreted the title question like innerzone did. To answer that, I'll admit that I have had the tendency (ability?) to put episodes behind me. Generally in my life the less severe episodes fade from my memory quite easily. The worst ones? Well, I don't forget, but I try not to dwell on them. I forgive myself easily, and at the same time don't hold grudges.

The very worst of my episodes, usually mixed episodes, have caused me a degree of trauma. I have been able to stuff the pain in some ways, but in others they've left scaring, especially what likely happened during psychotic mixed manic blackouts. I can convince myself that I'm well sometimes, even when I'm not. To this day, my mood tracking is often inaccurate. Sometimes I look back and have to change my selections. Yes, insight issues still persist, but to a lesser degree.

I feel that describing my full blown manias, hypomanias, depressions, and mixed episodes is impossible to do in a few paragraphs. All I'll say is that there is a gift and disadvantage of knowing pure elation and a hell in knowing mixed episodes. My pure depressions are less pain and more numb paralysis. It took me a very long time to even accept my hypomanias as being illness. I had zero insight into hypomanias. To this day, I still wrestle with how much of my mild to moderate "up" times were hypomanias and how much "just me", or hyperthymia. I have tended to be hyperthymic more than any other state in my life. That doesn't mean it was all euphoric, though. I could/can be a very irritable, agitated type at times, though I don't believe that's my core self. I'm much more positive and upbeat, on the whole. But when does assertiveness or adventurousness become impulsivity? Extreme humor, elation? Confidence and pride, grandiosity?

My medications have slowed me down in recent years, and have therefore affected my productivity. But it's not necessarily all bad way, though. There were a handful of years when I felt I lost a part of myself, but I found me again when a cloud cleared. A little new, but a lot the same. Being slowed down a bit allows me to breathe normally. Otherwise, it can seem like I'm holding my breath and thoughts don't fully register because they bombard me. When I'm hypomanic/manic, I see some things intensely at the expense of others.

[winter loneliness]

I know all my moods and can identify them and remember them.

But psychosis? I have partial memory loss. In a way. I can look back like I am watching someone else doing things. Kind of like dissociation?

Originally Posted by winter loneliness

I know all my moods and can identify them and remember them.

But psychosis? I have partial memory loss. In a way. I can look back like I am watching someone else doing things. Kind of like dissociation?

This reminded me of my manic blackouts during hospitalizations and some IOPs. There were times when weeks later I'd ask my husband what happened, and he'd refuse to talk about it. It was disturbing and frustrating!

I only remember six of my 10 hospitalizations, and not all of my PHP/IOPs. Or just blips of things. Lost time and almost dream-like states.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

The very worst of my episodes, usually mixed episodes, have caused me a degree of trauma.

~I completely understand this. I am not exaggerating when I say it’s been years before getting past some episodes.

All I'll say is that there is a gift and disadvantage of knowing pure elation and a hell in knowing mixed episodes.

~ I once believed God was allowing me to experience Heaven on earth. The elation that accompanies mania is, I believe, higher than any drug. And the dysphoria that accompanies mixed episodes (and depression for me) truly is hell. If I am dysphoric and psychotic, I tend to believe that demons have taken control of my mind and are trying to get me to kill myself.

[251turnaround]

I'm in this place right now. I can't remember much of this past week. I'm too out of it and nothing makes sense.

Yeah manic episodes are especially hard to form memories with. This is jsut a dream it feels like.

[BipolaRNurse]

I remember hypomanic episodes better than manic ones. With full-blown mania I tend to have blackouts where I don't remember large chunks of time or some of the things I do. My family will tell me what I did during those episodes and I never know whether to believe them or not because I can't recall doing things. Sometimes I think my family takes advantage of that, but that's probably just me being paranoid.

[Blue_Bird]

I tend to not realize until after it's happened. I always try to prepare as best as I can but I still seem to miss warning signs of episodes and then I end up in one and weeks or more go by and I'm like how the hell did I miss that?