[Wander]

At 8.45 am this morning (Thursday) I sent a text to my T.

I saw him yesterday and alluded to my lack of trust in the mental health system and that there is a conspiracy for clinicians to keep me unwell. I held back the strength of my feelings as I just wanted to gauge his response. I have seen him for eight years so had developed a deep trust. I thought I was clear headed but he said I was hypomanic and indirectly said I was paranoid.

Anyway this morning I woke early after little sleep and immediately continued obsessing over this. I feel I can no longer trust my T as he is part of the system that is trapping me. So I send a text to my T to that effect and said I can’t see him next week as I am too scared. He never got back to me. WTF!

Today has been a day of deep obsession, euphoria, playfulness, energy, racing thoughts, and panic. I am on my own now. I must heal myself. I cannot trust anyone else. I have a long history of being badly mistreated by those in authority ‘trying’ to help me. I have only be harmed more.

[liveforsummer]

Wander, I'm sorry you've had a history of mistreatment. You did say that you had developed a deep trust with your T. Maybe his assessment yesterday was fair but your the illness is fighting against it. (?) It's just a thought. I hope he responds to your text soon, it's possible he's been tied up all day. Could you leave a voicemail or a message with the office?

Hi Wander. I believe you could use a bit of time with your psychiatrist. Would you consider contacting your psychiatrist and telling her/him what you said to and texted to your therapist?

Maybe liveforsummer is right that your tdoc is tied up. How many hours has it been since your text? It may also be possible that your therapist wants to give you some time before responding. Maybe for deescalation? Your text and last conversation were pretty intense.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, Wander How much time has passed since you sent your text to your T? Perhaps he's simply not available at the moment. Hopefully he'll get back at you soon. Try to hang on. Wait a little longer. If he's still not replying, try to send another text. I also agree with BirdDancer about contacting your psychiatrist if you need help or it gets worse. I'm so sorry, please don't give up.I hope you'll feel better soon. Keep writing here if it helps. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[Wander]

Originally Posted by liveforsummer

Wander, I'm sorry you've had a history of mistreatment. You did say that you had developed a deep trust with your T. Maybe his assessment yesterday was fair but your the illness is fighting against it. (?) It's just a thought. I hope he responds to your text soon, it's possible he's been tied up all day. Could you leave a voicemail or a message with the office?

I'm in Australia. It is past midnight so 16 hours since my text. I do not want to contact him again. It would give the wrong impression. If he cares he will contact me. He is usually prompt to reply so I guess he doesn't like not being trusted. This behaviour of his only strengthens my convictions.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Hi Wander. I believe you could use a bit of time with your psychiatrist. Would you consider contacting your psychiatrist and telling her/him what you said to and texted to your therapist?

Maybe liveforsummer is right that your tdoc is tied up. How many hours has it been since your text? It may also be possible that your therapist wants to give you some time before responding. Maybe for deescalation? Your text and last conversation were pretty intense.

As said above. 16 hours since text. Will have to see if he bothers to respond once he starts work later today (past midnight here). I don't know what mind games he is playing by not responding but it isn't helping. My pdoc is out of office on Fridays. Public holiday Monday. To be honest I don't trust him either though I used to. I doubt I would take pills if he prescribed them anyway.

Originally Posted by Wander

As said above. 16 hours since text. Will have to see if he bothers to respond once he starts work later today (past midnight here). I don't know what mind games he is playing by not responding but it isn't helping. My pdoc is out of office on Fridays. Public holiday Monday. To be honest I don't trust him either though I used to. I doubt I would take pills if he prescribed them anyway.

Wander, what are you hoping (or expecting) your tdoc to say when and if he responds? Do you expect he'll defend himself? Apologize? Beg for your trust? Other? Perhaps he's trying to figure out his best approach. Either way, you've left your cancellation message.

If you are hypomanic and experiencing some irritable periods, I can say from my own experience that talking to me when I'm irritable/hypomanic is not easy. This is especially true when I'm wound up. It's often better for people to just leave me alone to calm down a bit.

It's possible that your tdoc may consider your cancellation final, but many won't necessarily. I've resigned from jobs only to have the employer told that I did so when ill. They ignored my resignation. I've threatened my psychiatrist that I would leave him, and he just said nothing and then the next week all was forgotten. I have also screamed at a tdoc over the phone and ignored warnings not to leave an Intensive Outpatient Program. The result of that was her stopping our therapy relationship. It kind of works like friendships of some people with bipolar. Some friends are understanding and stick with you, others don't. C'est la vie for people with a mental illness.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Wander, what are you hoping (or expecting) your tdoc to say when and if he responds? Do you expect he'll defend himself? Apologize? Beg for your trust? Other? Perhaps he's trying to figure out his best approach. Either way, you've left your cancellation message.


If you are hypomanic and experiencing some irritable periods, I can say from my own experience that talking to me when I'm irritable/hypomanic is not easy. This is especially true when I'm wound up. It's often better for people to just leave me alone to calm down a bit.

You got me there. I honestly don't know what I am expecting him to say. Maybe having his betrayal confirmed (as I suspect). This is why I am so panicked. Realising he is not someone I can trust is breaking me. I don't think I can bear it.

I have to stop posting for a bit. I am too confused and need to lay down although I don't want to. My ex-husband who is kinda looking after me for a few days is insisting. At least my body will rest for a few hours. My brain is on fire so good luck getting that to shut up.

[Wander]

Thanks so much everybody. I don't mean to be so blunt but I am caught in a devastating situation.

[MickeyCheeky]

Try to rest if you can, Wander. Don't stress yourself over it. No need to hurry. I'm glad your ex-husband is there for you at least. I hope your T will reply to you. Please don't give up. Try to hang on. I hope you'll feel better soon. As I've already said, I'm here for you if you need me. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you want to talk. Sending many hugs to you

[sarahsweets]

Maybe he was in session with other clients?

[Wild Coyote]

I hope you hear from your T soon.

WC

[Wander]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Maybe he was in session with other clients?

Doubt it. Tuesdays and Wednesdays he has half days doing therapy. The remainder of the week he is a senior Professor at a local University. Semester hasn't even started yet though so he should have even more free time. My fear is that he has gone on a short holiday from yesterday as Monday is a public holiday here.

[cashart10]

For different reasons, I thought the same of my pdoc yesterday. I left her a msg early and she didn’t call me back yesterday. I just knew she was thinking “if this damn lady calls me one more time!!!” But, she called me back fairly early today. She’s out of the office and I know she’s been at her parent’s in another state a few times lately. My mom said maybe one of them is in the hospital or something. It could be any number of things and still not personal.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by cashart10

For different reasons, I thought the same of my pdoc yesterday. I left her a msg early and she didn’t call me back yesterday. I just knew she was thinking “if this damn lady calls me one more time!!!” But, she called me back fairly early today. She’s out of the office and I know she’s been at her parent’s in another state a few times lately. My mom said maybe one of them is in the hospital or something. It could be any number of things and still not personal.

Have you ever been convinced you cannot trust them and that they are conspiring against you in some way?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Wander

Have you ever been convinced you cannot trust them and that they are conspiring against you in some way?

No. I at one time did start to believe I was wrongfully diagnosed and that the meds were harming me but that is the worst it ever got. However, because of that belief, I didn’t take meds for 8 years and had my worst ever episode.

[Wander]

Ok. It is 5 pm Friday. I texted my T at 8.45 am yesterday. No response. It is a long weekend so he won't contact me until at least Tuesday. How could he do this to me? It only confirms my fears that he is manipulating me, and controlling me. I bet he is waiting to see if I desperately text him again to prove some kind of diagnostic point. Well, I won't. I can't.

So I tell him I don't trust him and don't think I can make our appointment next week because I am so scared. Silence. What does that even mean? He had helped me so much over the years. My trust was solid. Now I see I have to break away. It seems he has been controlling me like all the others in the past who I sought help from, trusted, and ended upping abused by. I am not exaggerating. This is what I have been through all my life.

I feel intense rage and emancipation. Only I can save myself now, and I am running out of time.

[Wander]

Help! I don’t know what else to say.

[Daonnachd]

Originally Posted by Wander

Help! I don’t know what else to say.

I would wait for a response from him. I'm confident he will show some compassion.

Judge the comment that comes back to you.

[piggy momma]

Does he normally respond to every single text you send?

I have "open texting" privileges with my T, but I absolutely do not expect him to respond unless it's urgent, and then I would tell him it's urgent and I need a response. At that point he will get back to me when he can. It's not unusual for a T not to reply to a text, so try to hold off any judgment until you see him next.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, Wander Keep waiting. I hope he'll get back at you soon. Please don't give up. There's still hope. Stay safe and take care of yourself. I'm here if you want to talk. Feel free to PM me anytime. Sending many hugs to you

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi Wander, I am sorry this must be scary for you to think your T is manipulating you. Have you considered calling him at his office next week? Maybe a direct conversation would go better. If he knows you are scared he might not even want to text you back for some reason, like what if it made you more upset? Not saying he handled it right, but perhaps talking it out could be better. I just confessed to my boyfriend I have been feeling a little paranoid myself as of late and it has partially been directed at him. We talked about it yesterday and it helped reassure me. Of course we are all different this just worked for me. I hope you feel better soon and things work out well.

[Wander]

Thanks everyone. I will kind of answer a few things in this post. My T lets me text him working hours (only very serious emergencies outside that). I don't abuse this and rarely text him, usually about practical matters but sometimes more serious matters. He always returns my texts. I know that no actual therapy will take place outside the time I am in his office, but he does often offer suggestions or encouragement via text, and of course makes sure I am safe if there is a concern. This is why it is so odd he hasn't replied to my text that would have at least suggested contact would be a good idea.

A close friend of mine has also been encouraging me not to jump to conclusions but I am finding it difficult. I am raging inside. This has set off so many past hurts. My close friend lives on the other side of Australia so can't visit. She was so concerned she urged me to go to emergency but I refuse. It would be a nightmare. More trauma, and more mistreatment by authority figures who should be helping me.

Thankfully my ex-husband is not working and able to watch me until things settle down (I they do. I am not convinced I will ever escape this time). So, my friend and parents are comfortable not forcing me into hospital. I am thankful my ex is caring, and that we are very close friends now. Still, I hate the idea of needing to be 'baby-sat'.

In under three days I should be in contact with Y, should he choose to grace me with a call or text. I want to walk away from all 'treatment' that I have had and am having. It is clearly not working anyway. I will heal myself.

I'll start by saying I've been hesitant to dip my toe in here...

Originally Posted by Wander

I saw him yesterday and alluded to my lack of trust in the mental health system and that there is a conspiracy for clinicians to keep me unwell. I held back the strength of my feelings as I just wanted to gauge his response. I have seen him for eight years so had developed a deep trust. I thought I was clear headed but he said I was hypomanic and indirectly said I was paranoid.

Anyway this morning I woke early after little sleep and immediately continued obsessing over this. I feel I can no longer trust my T as he is part of the system that is trapping me. So I send a text to my T to that effect and said I can’t see him next week as I am too scared. He never got back to me. WTF!

Today has been a day of deep obsession, euphoria, playfulness, energy, racing thoughts, and panic. I am on my own now. I must heal myself. I cannot trust anyone else.

From what you wrote, can you not see how he might think you were hypomanic and paranoid? I mean, you can disagree if you want, but the evidence is there. (And as an outsider, I can tell you that I see it. In this and in your other posts.)

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Wander, what are you hoping (or expecting) your tdoc to say when and if he responds? Do you expect he'll defend himself? Apologize? Beg for your trust? Other? Perhaps he's trying to figure out his best approach.

This is an excellent question.

Originally Posted by Wander

You got me there. I honestly don't know what I am expecting him to say. Maybe having his betrayal confirmed (as I suspect). This is why I am so panicked. Realising he is not someone I can trust is breaking me. I don't think I can bear it.

So basically, it seems you are expecting him to say that your paranoia is not paranoia. That puts him in an impossible situation. It is no surprise (to me) that he hasn't responded. What can he say? If he says your paranoia is not paranoia, he would be lying and it would only escalate that paranoia. If he says it's paranoia, you will not believe him.

Originally Posted by Wander

Have you ever been convinced you cannot trust them and that they are conspiring against you in some way?

It might be worth considering how much you've talked all these people "conspiring" against you. That's usually a good sign we're talking about paranoia. You've also mentioned a lot how you can't trust anyone and that only you can heal yourself. "With your mind".

Do you see why I have been hesitant? I don't really know any gentle way to say that you do not seem at all well. Is this something you're willing to consider?

Remember, I've got nothing to gain in saying this. In fact, I worry that you might get ticked at me, but it pains me to see you like this, so I must speak up.

Wishing only the best for you...

[tecomsin]

I've also been hesitant to say anything but wanted to thank InnerZone for expressing many of my thoughts so clearly.