[yellow_fleurs]

Swimming day two! Followed by dinner with a friend. Now I am sleepy. Emotions and thoughts are weird today, but at least I was healthy about it and exercised.

My therapist mentioned a couple of times that there is some evidence bipolar might be caused by trauma and is a way to protect ourselves and is trying to explore that with me. Has anyone else heard this? I don't have any major traumas, but it's probably true some things about my childhood affected me negatively, whatever you want to call it. Wish I had worked through this 15 years ago when last in therapy, but I hope it is helpful to work on now.

[cashart10]

Hard day at work. Met with t after which was great. She thinks my job is too stressful for me right now and that I should take a leave. I cried with her. I’ve been crying. I only cry when severely anxious and depressed. I’m over it. Funny, I was telling her about Ani Difranco and she was asking me what kind of music she sings. So, since I’ve been so obsessed with music anyway, I decided to text her an Ani song (she is fairly laid back with texts as long as you don’t take advantage and we had been talking about music just s few hours prior) and it occurred to me only after I sent it that the song I sent her “Overlap” is sexual in nature. I SURELY hope she doesn’t read into that because I certainly didn’t mean anything by it. Oh well, it’s done now. Thankfully, I told her how hard it was to wait a week to see her because I was falling apart at the seems so I have an appointment scheduled for Monday.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Is anyone else’s first thought in the morning

Possible trigger:

I wish I could just kill myself and/or cut myself

? Mine was yesterday and today. And I want to cry. I don’t know how I’m gonna get through the day

I’m so sorry Wildflowerchild and I’m right there with you!

Went and saw my psych nurse. Still coming off the diazepam by 2 mgs every month. I really didn't want to go. It's so cold here and my back has really been hurting. But I made it. She said the increased pain could be coming off the benzos, and to talk to to my gp about getting muscle relaxers.

My sons sleep schedule is all turned upside down. When he's up, he's just wanting me to buy him stuff. It gets exhausting with him asking me. But I usually give in. I have never been good with boundaries with him. I had him so young and idk, I feel bad that his dad is such a jerk and never been there for him.

I'm doing ok all in all. Hugs to those that need them.

[cashart10]

I am scared to go to sleep and I

Possible trigger:

want to stab myself in the chest.

I told my therapist that. I started talking about how my current emotions match those that I felt in high school and I don’t understand why and so it is excruciating. We did EMDR on high school fears and thoughts, and current, and connecting the two. I realized the feeling I am feeling is the biggest one. It is the one rooted farthest from reality and it is the most difficult to experience or process. I can’t make it stop and I don’t know if meds can turn off evil.

Possible trigger:

i really want to die

but I couldn’t do that to my family, especially my son who, in his autistic mind, worries about me dying incessantly. I hate myself. I really do. I loathe myself. In the here and now, I just want to be alone.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone another super busy day for me. I feel like now that my health issues are taken a break. Work is wanting to take advantage of it by being stupid busy. Like I have been on the go since Monday it feels like. I wore scrubs today and of course I had a surprise meeting which I know the people and they have seen me in scrubs before but still I felt way underdressed and not like a boss at all. Like my feet are tired of running and I just wanted one day that I didn't have to wear heels or dress clothes; but of course meeting day with providers soon to join the practice. So I felt super embaressed wearing scrubs and sneakers to work today.

I also took them out to dinner to discuss things further and they wanted to meet M outside of the office. I am just tired of getting home super late taking a shower and then heading directly to do school work. Which I mean my grades aren't falling so I'm doing well with keeping on track but I'm really starting to feel this week if that makes an sense. I am freaking glad it's Friday tomorrow and Saturday of course is date day. We are going to go see What Men Think on Saturday which looks funny.

Hugs to everyone

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I can't ****en swallow pills. I'm already stressing about tomorrow. My husband says he'll crush it up for me but I ask him for so much already.

He’s your husband he wants to help , let him help you.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Day from absolute hell. Girl got off the bus covered in vomit, had to change her and wash her clothes. Sat behind her on the mat holding her forward in case she vomited again. Killed my back. Had to sit her in a wheelchair that wasn’t her own, called a rifton chair, more like a regular chair with small wheels. Not very maneuverable. Nurses gave me **** about her chair when I brought her down for her feed. Get a call at 12:30 saying her mom was there to pick her up. Her diaper hasn’t been changed, she’s still in the school clothes because we haven’t changed her back into her own clothes (which we washed) yet, still in the rifton chair, etc etc. we rush to change her, then the teacher comes back and says no, she’s not actually going home, the ****ing BUS DRIVER called the mom and told her to come pick her up. None of the bus driver’s damn business. She’s throwing up because of her tube feed, not because she’s sick. Well I might as well get her changed now right? So I change her, set her up in her regular wheelchair, get her all set to go home. Fire drill. Wtf right? We come back in, I get her coat on her. Bell rings, go outside, wait for the bus. Of course, she coughs, then starts vomiting all over her coat. Thank god the teacher and the other aide were standing near me. I rush to get gloves on and turn her head. The aide rushes in to get wipes and a medical pad called a chuck. We clean her up as the bus is pulling up. Then we get yelled at by the bus driver and the nurse (who is there for another student, not even mine) for letting her vomit. Like wtf? Like I control it? She’s new to the tube feeding, they haven’t worked all the kinks out, it’s not my fault and frankly not my problem.


Now I’m at the dr about to get a painful test to see if they can do the RF ablation or not. So fun. I just need to go home and take a nice hot shower. Seriously. A nice hot shower and a nice dinner with my son and boyfriend.


Oh and I bought a pack of cigarettes and smoked like half of it already. Will have to apologize to BF for that.

What a horrible day I hope your day improves tomorrow.

[~Christina]

I’ve not had another “ episode” like the other night but I slept 14 hours and still exhausted. Not insomnia tired this is just so much worse. Dunno what’s up with that.

Maybe I’m just getting more depressed? Or ? Hell I dunno.

My husband likely needs to see our GP to get is Re Cert for his oxygen . So he needs to go more than I. ...

It’s hell to be on SSDI..... slams you right into literally counting each penny to eat every month.

#endrant

[Wander]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’ve not had another “ episode” like the other night but I slept 14 hours and still exhausted. Not insomnia tired this is just so much worse. Dunno what’s up with that.

Maybe I’m just getting more depressed? Or ? Hell I dunno.

My husband likely needs to see our GP to get is Re Cert for his oxygen . So he needs to go more than I. ...

It’s hell to be on SSDI..... slams you right into literally counting each penny to eat every month.

#endrant

Let yourself sleep if you can. Sometimes that is exactly what our body needs at that time. Don't feel guilty. If you can't sleep that much try to sleep as much as possible. It should pass soon if it is the Fibro flaring up. Do you have any other depression symptoms? I hope not!

Thats tough about your hubby. You are such a positive influence here. No one would have a clue you suffer so much. This is a credit to your character. Me, I would be winging all the time, lol

[Wander]

Wow! I am sure I have turned the corner. Still IP but as of today I have NO psychosis. So within a few days I should be able to go home. It is amazing to have a clear head. And shocking to find out what an arse I have been, and crazy too. Oh well, guess it comes with my BP package.

Much love to all who need it here!

[yellow_fleurs]

~Christina that's tough you're in a tight spot financially. You don't have a history of heart problems do you? Just since you mentioned your heart rate in the last post and fatigue can be a sign of heart problems, especially in women. Hope you feel better soon!

[yellow_fleurs]

Wander you sound so much better, I am so glad you got the help you needed and can leave soon!

[Wander]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Wander you sound so much better, I am so glad you got the help you needed and can leave soon!

Thanks so much. It's amazing what an anti-psychotic can do! Haven't checked out a discharge date with my pdoc and won't see him till Monday (he has Fridays off) but am sure that if I am still stable then he will let me go Tuesday. Pity about the weekend but what can I do?

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’ve not had another “ episode” like the other night but I slept 14 hours and still exhausted. Not insomnia tired this is just so much worse. Dunno what’s up with that.

Maybe I’m just getting more depressed? Or ? Hell I dunno.

My husband likely needs to see our GP to get is Re Cert for his oxygen . So he needs to go more than I. ...

It’s hell to be on SSDI..... slams you right into literally counting each penny to eat every month.

#endrant

Are you friendly with your GP meaning could you contact his/her office and asked if they would consider seeing both you and your husband and only charging you for one visit? Does your GP have a assistance plan that you could get on for free or rather low cost visits? My providers will sometimes do a double visit if they know the circumstance and most offices that deal a lot with Medicaid/Medicare will usually have some sort of assistance plan. Judging from what you told us; I would have some sort of conversation with some medical provider because I'm sure you've mentioned heart issues in the past. So I would really get checked out; and please ask if they would do that for you.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by TheSeaCat

Are you friendly with your GP meaning could you contact his/her office and asked if they would consider seeing both you and your husband and only charging you for one visit? Does your GP have a assistance plan that you could get on for free or rather low cost visits? My providers will sometimes do a double visit if they know the circumstance and most offices that deal a lot with Medicaid/Medicare will usually have some sort of assistance plan. Judging from what you told us; I would have some sort of conversation with some medical provider because I'm sure you've mentioned heart issues in the past. So I would really get checked out; and please ask if they would do that for you.

Our GP just charges a flat fee of 20.00 which is much less than what We would have to pay if he billed based on Medicare guidelines.

Beginning of the year we both have the 250 deductible we are paying off that balance 10.00 per month so they certainly are working with us.

20.00 comes out of our food budget. Sucks.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Our GP just charges a flat fee of 20.00 which is much less than what We would have to pay if he billed based on Medicare guidelines.

Beginning of the year we both have the 250 deductible we are paying off that balance 10.00 per month so they certainly are working with us.

20.00 comes out of our food budget. Sucks.

That is a pretty reasonable flat fee and that is very true. Have you ever looked into maybe getting Medicaid with your Medicare? It sucks that it comes with such a high deductible. Do you not receive any food stamps? I would hope you qualify for that. I'm sorry hun that seems like such a bad situation.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I am scared to go to sleep and I

Possible trigger:

want to stab myself in the chest.

I told my therapist that. I started talking about how my current emotions match those that I felt in high school and I don’t understand why and so it is excruciating. We did EMDR on high school fears and thoughts, and current, and connecting the two. I realized the feeling I am feeling is the biggest one. It is the one rooted farthest from reality and it is the most difficult to experience or process. I can’t make it stop and I don’t know if meds can turn off evil.

Possible trigger:

i really want to die

but I couldn’t do that to my family, especially my son who, in his autistic mind, worries about me dying incessantly. I hate myself. I really do. I loathe myself. In the here and now, I just want to be alone.

I am so sorry you are struggling in this way. I’m glad you have an appointment Monday. Are you going to be safe until then? It’s good that the thought of your son keeps you around. I can understand that. I stick around for my daughter.

Do you think you need IP or IOP? You definitely could use a leave from your job as you mentioned above until you are feeling better. I hope you feel better soon and things smooth out for you. Sending big hugs and supportive vibes.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by TheSeaCat

That is a pretty reasonable flat fee and that is very true. Have you ever looked into maybe getting Medicaid with your Medicare? It sucks that it comes with such a high deductible. Do you not receive any food stamps? I would hope you qualify for that. I'm sorry hun that seems like such a bad situation.

My state didn’t expand Medicaid so everyone on SSDI is choking on that 20%

We do not qualify for EBT because it’s just my husband and kids are grown. It’s virtually impossible to be on SSDI my husband and I to get any extra help. It’s ridiculous I won’t give specific complaints about xtra help.

Life is often difficult but it could be worse .

[Wander]

I texted my T to update him. Told him as of today I no longer think he is out to get me now. lol.
He replied, 'That's great news. It really it. I'm very happy you don't think I'm out to get you. It's never pleasant being disliked'.

He's a funny guy so I know he was joking. It made me laugh. So good to have a T with a sense of humour.

I knew something was wrong. I went to bed at 9:13pm and have been awake since 1:29am. And I’m hyper af. That’s why I didn’t feel right yesterday.

I hate it. I just want to sleep instead of stay awake this whole time. I’m not even tired, though. I normally go to bed at 7pm and wake up at 6am. wtf. I hope this lack of sleep doesn’t mean anything.

[wildflowerchild25]

I woke up in a panic because of a couple of bad dreams that I don’t remember all the details to, but I remember in the last one I got lost going to my pdoc’s office. I was so scared and I haven’t been able to calm down. I’m praying my student doesn’t vomit on the bus. I couldn’t deal with that today.

I just want to go home and cry but it is Friday and I will have the weekend so I should be able to make it through the day. I feel awful. I cannot reiterate enough how much mental pain I am in at the moment.

Ok ok ok I will go into work and chill out.

Still not well

[Sunflower123]

Depressed again today with SI. These ups and downs this winter are causing me whiplash. Yesterday I was fine and I worked in the yard although I missed all my appointments (a sure sign that I’m not well). Today I’m supposed to go to a Galentines day tea with the ladies of my bible study group. I just don’t think I can get off the couch and do that. I’ve already paid, the food there is great and I think I’d feel better if I could get up and go but I’m having difficulty. Really frustrated with this illness right now.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

[Blue_Bird]

I'm finally sleeping in a normal routine. I've been trying like hell to fix my sleep for maybe a year and a half or more. I was either staying up for days, or sleeping and waking up 5 or 6 times a night, or going through phases of sleeping up to 15 hours. I ended up starting seroquel over a month ago and I sleep wonderfully every single night now.

I feel wonderful, the best I have in a long time. I'm working hard on my eating disorder recovery too.

My classes are going well, I'm enjoying them very much.