[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m still in good spirits despite being in intense pain. Seems like morning is when my back spasms but after I lay on the heating pad for awhile and take my muscle relaxer it seems to loosen up. I’m going on o call HR tomorrow and see if I am eligible for disability or at least fmla. I’m also going to tell my doctor on Monday to quit ****ing around with injections and give me a referral for surgery. I’m terrified of surgery but I need my life back. I don’t want to end up permanently disabled. I’m already bored af.

RS has been so good to me. He took off work to drive me to my appointment yesterday. Today he fixed my door, put a new chain lock on, and put up a light over the sink because I had previously complained it was too dark to do dishes at night. He’s so thoughtful. He also bought me the heating pad on Sunday after the ER doc recommended it. He treats me so well for someone I’ve only been seeing for three and half months. I am thankful to have him in my life.

I'm sorry hun; I am currently dealing with someone dealing with a back issue as well. It looks extraordinarily painful. I am glad you have RS with you to help with you and the kiddo; it's hard being down.

Can I offer a small tip that you don't have to take; a lot of times with any sort of injury medical providers will tell you to alternate between ice and heat; otherwise constant heat can inflame it more; so they recommend alternating between ice; heat; followed by more ice. I totally understand that heat feels so nice but ice is important too. When my mother had her hip replaced they only gave her ice and no heat.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by beauflow

s

I am sorry for everyone struggling but also glad to read some having triumphs.


thanks Christina and everyone, I am sorry too.

I am probably my worst enemy with being hard on myself. Always have to make the appearance of put together, and I am failing at it.. I am losing my grip a bit.


I see the gen doc on Thursday to talk about more scans, going to see GI doc later in the month..

been trying to slowly change things in my diet ... I have not started to smoke again, which I think is crucial right now...


I am afraid about adding any drugs with not knowing what is wrong with me right now... but I do need to find someone.. which may just add stress if they are not a right fit.. but I don't know.


I had a rather rough day,

Some thing happened at work, again- this time nothing to do with my dept. people, but the company.


I cried at work - twice in front of a good coworker friend- I got very upset one of the two times-- I did my "crying so horribly to my maniacal laughing at times" I have done this for many years, may be my whole life if I think on it.. I know in my twenties it became more of a realization. today scared me as I felt like I needed to flee.. I've rarely have had that, and it may have been due to I was at work. I feel like I am having a break down almost.


It's very rapid and I do not feel I have any control over it.

My thoughts today have been ranged of sui/hom, raging/peaceful, from hopeful to dread, hopeless to hopeful... I been "go get 'em" to "i just want to lay here and curl up and die"... all I know is that I have another day tomorrow and hopefully it goes better.


I left work early due to just did not feel ok enough to be around people and also the apt manager wanted to talk; and I rather wanted to do this in person.


They are going to spray again next week. The infestation in the vacant apt is really bad after more inspection.


I did get complements on how well I cleaned and that the pest control personnel mentioned that : my clean up for him to do his job was one of the best he has seen... -guess neurotically cleaning can have it's benefits.


I am going to leave every thing packed up for now. I don't care. I will try best not to be chaotic with moving things out, unless I do get a storage unit (I have been known to just start moving things to a vehicle and drive around with them with not much purpose others understand but to me makes 100% sense).


My cat - it will be temporary.. he is upset, but I hate to move him back- then move him again, and keep doing this to him. My ex is willing to take him in for the time, but also worries that cat may be happier at home, even if we have to move him out again.. I just don't know right now.


I just know, that I have some things that I Can use to keep me going, or at least that I believe.


this all adds to - I have self medicated all this time.. and I am in need of help I guess. .. and I hate, that not too long ago, I realized this then went back to "I am fine, nothing is wrong with me".

I’m so glad that you are now able to post what’s happening in you world

Heath trouble are always turning your life up side down , I hope you find answers and get all that stuff fixed up

Sorry things got tough at work, I remember shedding lots of tears at different jobs i have worked in my life.

I do hope you get Cat back , I don’t k is what I would do without my dog.

Take hood care of yourself !

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m still in good spirits despite being in intense pain. Seems like morning is when my back spasms but after I lay on the heating pad for awhile and take my muscle relaxer it seems to loosen up. I’m going on o call HR tomorrow and see if I am eligible for disability or at least fmla. I’m also going to tell my doctor on Monday to quit ****ing around with injections and give me a referral for surgery. I’m terrified of surgery but I need my life back. I don’t want to end up permanently disabled. I’m already bored af.


RS has been so good to me. He took off work to drive me to my appointment yesterday. Today he fixed my door, put a new chain lock on, and put up a light over the sink because I had previously complained it was too dark to do dishes at night. He’s so thoughtful. He also bought me the heating pad on Sunday after the ER doc recommended it. He treats me so well for someone I’ve only been seeing for three and half months. I am thankful to have him in my life.

Your doctor needs to get you in with a surgeon pronto !!! You need relief now !

I hate to know your going through so much , I’m glad you have RS

Gentle

[~Christina]

Woke up to a HUGE Fibromyalgia flare , it hurts to even take a deep breath. I’m so miserable I’m crying over it.

I’m in the pity stage right now of WHY ME ???? I feel like I have done something catastrophic and I’m now being punished or some shyt. Tears are flowing.

I’m nibbling on Xanax it doesn’t seem to do much but I really can’t take much more of this pain. It HAS to be better tomorrow.

Fml

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Woke up to a HUGE Fibromyalgia flare , it hurts to even take a deep breath. I’m so miserable I’m crying over it.

I’m in the pity stage right now of WHY ME ???? I feel like I have done something catastrophic and I’m now being punished or some shyt. Tears are flowing.

I’m nibbling on Xanax it doesn’t seem to do much but I really can’t take much more of this pain. It HAS to be better tomorrow.

Fml

Awwww I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. I don’t have fibromyalgia so I can’t imagine having pain all over your body like that. I just have pain in my back and it’s enough to make me want to cry! I really hope it eases for you soon. **** you, fibromyalgia!

Many

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by beauflow

On top of this all I just did my taxes.. owe a few thousand dollars-- I dont understand any of this... never before was I in this situation.
I look back and see I requested a change as per a lawyer told me to do, and Idk ... guess I should had not listened to educated advice.
Whatever, this just depletes me again to a point that I dont know why I keep trying.

You can file an extension on your taxes.

[beauflow]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

You can file an extension on your taxes.

Thank you, I'll have to look into that....
I am going to look also on cutting things again like I dont have cable but I have Netflix and hulu.
I already was doing this, just will have to do more.
I will look at part time.
I am going to redo my taxes before submitting too, to ensure I didn't miss anything- I will still owe, because I see where the error was made. Maybe I misunderstood the lawyer or they weren't clear? I know after I had their services I mentioned I'd never recommend them to another because I felt he wasn't clear on what I needed to do.

[Scooter9]

My cat had surgery today to remove a tumor. I'll find out soon whether it's cancer. My cat is about 18 years old and has had a good life I think. We'll see how it goes.

My mood is persistently low. I know only I can find happiness but it's a tough search.

I'm distracting myself by doing research for another book I'm thinking of writing and staying busy at home and work but the low mood has a way of finding it's way into everything.

[tecomsin]

Well I changed my signature after talking with my pdoc yesterday. He was confident that I have BP 1 rather than schizoaffective. The reason he gave is that I mostly talk about mood symptoms when I see him as well as fatigue rather than intrusive thoughts.

I've been trying to get off a low dose of olanzapine I was using as a sleep aid. Yesterday I was up in the middle of the night and had very dark thoughts, like I haven't had in a long, long time. I stepped down from 1.25 mg olanzapine about a week ago to zero. So far my sleep has been fair but not bad. I'll try for another week or so to stay off of it.

I haven't been feeling well for a while. Digestive distress and energy issues. My mood and eating have perhaps been major contributing factors. I called my psychiatrist and told him I'd like to lower my Seroquel XR a little bit before I see him next week. I'll just reduce it by 50 mg. He always wants me to let him know about any changes I want to make on my own so that he has the chance to follow up, if necessary, or even veto my idea. I think he'll allow this since it's a small change and I'm definitely not hypomanic or manic. He'd be able to tell even from my message. I'll see if he calls back.

I was sad to learn today that Alex Trebek of Jeopardy has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. That's pretty dire. We watch Jeopardy every weeknight, and have for years. He's determined to fight it. I really wish him well. It will be tough to watch his struggle since he plans to work as much as he can.

Update: My dear psychiatrist already called back approving my plan. He's the greatest!

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Awwww I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. I don’t have fibromyalgia so I can’t imagine having pain all over your body like that. I just have pain in my back and it’s enough to make me want to cry! I really hope it eases for you soon. **** you, fibromyalgia!


Many

Thanks hun , how are you feeling ?

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Thanks hun , how are you feeling ?

Pretty much the same. Seems like the pain is worst in the morning, I guess because the drugs have worn off. Once I get moving the pain reduces but I still can’t walk very well. My feet are tingling and driving me nuts. It feel so weird to walk when you can’t feel your feet. I managed to drive the five minutes to my son’s school to pick him up but I definitely shouldn’t drive much further than that.

Just hanging in there until I can see my dr on Monday. Thanks so much for your concern!

[cashart10]

Sitting on my couch with my youngest in my lap...lost in music from my headphones. I’m drowning from conflicting thoughts. The turmoil is literally making me sick to my stomach. Am I sick or is this spiritual? Should I take meds or should I not? I am obsessed about it. And my pdoc was gentle with me on the phone as I was 100% honest with her but I don’t know if I should listen to her. She told me if I go off my meds I will end up in the hospital but will I really belong there? I feel like this medicine is stunting my faith and taking my freedom. I’m afraid also.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Sitting on my couch with my youngest in my lap...lost in music from my headphones. I’m drowning from conflicting thoughts. The turmoil is literally making me sick to my stomach. Am I sick or is this spiritual? Should I take meds or should I not? I am obsessed about it. And my pdoc was gentle with me on the phone as I was 100% honest with her but I don’t know if I should listen to her. She told me if I go off my meds I will end up in the hospital but will I really belong there? I feel like this medicine is stunting my faith and taking my freedom. I’m afraid also.

I think you should listen to your pdoc. S/he is only trying to help and is the most qualified to do so. Your fears of medications are that, only fears, not reality. It is probably true that you will end up in hospital if you don’t listen to your pdoc and I know how disruptive and difficult that can be for you. God can work through you on and off meds in the same way. How could he not, he is supremely powerful. I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to suffer.

[Wander]

Hurt my hamstring yesterday doing yoga. Frustrating as mild, brief exercise helps my Fibromyalgia. Late yesterday afternoon I went down to the beach for a swim, forgetting about my hamstring. I couldn’t use my legs so had to swim solely with my arms. Lol. Getting home was a painful experience. Think I might go to the pharmacy to see what I can do to increase recovery time.

Saw my T yesterday. I was at the verge of tears most of the session, which is unlike me. It seems I might not be up to university. The series of horror episodes, that ended in a five month psychotic mixed episode, have taken their toll on me. Even my T said it was horrific. Starting university so soon after such experiences is like jumping parallel universes. It is jolting and unsettling.

I am going to try going to university the next week but honestly doubt I’ll make it. I am empty and broken. Traumatised to the max. I think I will do my own projects at home that will help me recover. I need to keep busy and productive. I am also mildly depressed and terrified I will fall into another deep episode again. I’m trying to be positive but it’s tough when that has been my past experience almost every time.

[bizi]

I am sorry wander that you are feeling the loss of your education. this could just be temporary. Just a break from the pressure of studies.

Work on you.
Then rethink it for next semester.
bizi

[cashart10]

I’m not sure if it is this anxiety talking but I’m about to get in the car and drive very far, far, far away. I am serious. I need to get away from here. This music is making my mind disconnected and disjointed but my mind is built up...like I’m on drugs. I’m feeling increasingly more nervous to take medicine. I did take my nightly meds just 5 minutes ago at my husband’s request but I can’t see taking a “rescue” drug like my klonapin or more seroquel. I don’t know if I should page the on call doctor? What would I even say? I don’t feel like it’s an emergency. But I feel like I am screaming inside and I don’t know if I’ll make it through the night without fleeing. Maybe my meds will make me tired? I suppose I’ll try to stay here and wait. My husband keeps asking me over and over if I’m sure there’s not something else I should be telling him. Not even sure how to respond to that one. Part of me regrets asking for his accountability.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Wander

I think you should listen to your pdoc. S/he is only trying to help and is the most qualified to do so. Your fears of medications are that, only fears, not reality. It is probably true that you will end up in hospital if you don’t listen to your pdoc and I know how disruptive and difficult that can be for you. God can work through you on and off meds in the same way. How could he not, he is supremely powerful. I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to suffer.

Thank you! I know how wise and true this advice is. I really do know but I’m finding it so hard to believe. And, what can I do about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing but struggle and do what I’m afraid of in hopes that I’m wrong.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Wander

Hurt my hamstring yesterday doing yoga. Frustrating as mild, brief exercise helps my Fibromyalgia. Late yesterday afternoon I went down to the beach for a swim, forgetting about my hamstring. I couldn’t use my legs so had to swim solely with my arms. Lol. Getting home was a painful experience. Think I might go to the pharmacy to see what I can do to increase recovery time.

Saw my T yesterday. I was at the verge of tears most of the session, which is unlike me. It seems I might not be up to university. The series of horror episodes, that ended in a five month psychotic mixed episode, have taken their toll on me. Even my T said it was horrific. Starting university so soon after such experiences is like jumping parallel universes. It is jolting and unsettling.

I am going to try going to university the next week but honestly doubt I’ll make it. I am empty and broken. Traumatised to the max. I think I will do my own projects at home that will help me recover. I need to keep busy and productive. I am also mildly depressed and terrified I will fall into another deep episode again. I’m trying to be positive but it’s tough when that has been my past experience almost every time.

I am so sorry for everything. You don’t deserve any of this. I hope you find peace as you walk through all of these traumas. Just know there will always be time for university down the road.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by bizi

I am sorry wander that you are feeling the loss of your education. this could just be temporary. Just a break from the pressure of studies.

Work on you.
Then rethink it for next semester.
bizi

Thanks. However, as I had to take last year off due to many major mixed episodes if I pull out now it is pulling out of the degree. There is no point to any of this anyway.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and happy Wednesday; I hope everyone is had a good Wednesday and I hope that everyone is doing alright. Me; I am pretty tired and still rather worried about M and his back. Work was alright; I spent my day mostly dealing with nurse interviews so at least my brain was sort of occupied from my worry. I did have one interview walk out when I said who I was and my title; basically I'm not working for a kid. Like okay then your application can go directly to the shred bin. The nurse and I doing the interviews just started laughing at that; so at least I had something funny happen at work and eased some of the stress I was feeling; if only for a little bit.

I still feel pretty worried about my love and whatever has happened to his back again. He is not doing the best today and goes for the MRI tomorrow after work; but honestly he and I both very worried about this. He's doing the best but I am spending the night and making sure his dogs are taken care off and that he's doing alright. I'm doing okay despite my worry.

Hugs to everyone

Anxiety is through the roof. Been cashier training last 3 days. It is NOT sinking in. At ALL. And I feel totally overwhelmed. Been choked up all night, knowing we will be dealing with actual customers tomorrow. I KNOW I will end up in tears. It's been hard not to cry during the training(!) I am so very much looking for a new job. I simply cannot handle this one. I don't even want to get out of bed. My mood sucks. I'm frustrated beyond words and feel like a trapped animal. I want to just walk SOOOOO badly, but no income is a no-go.

Holding back tears right now on the bus. I've made a HUGE mistake.

I'll be packing some xanax tomorrow, that's for sure.

FML

Edited to add-- ****. In the midst of crying myself to sleep, I remembered I have a nerve conduction test in the morning beforehand. If you've never had one, they're rather painful. I don't even want tomorrow to come. It is too much.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Pretty much the same. Seems like the pain is worst in the morning, I guess because the drugs have worn off. Once I get moving the pain reduces but I still can’t walk very well. My feet are tingling and driving me nuts. It feel so weird to walk when you can’t feel your feet. I managed to drive the five minutes to my son’s school to pick him up but I definitely shouldn’t drive much further than that.

Just hanging in there until I can see my dr on Monday. Thanks so much for your concern!

I'm sorry you are still in pain with the back; have you tried a TENS Unit that might bring you some relive. I hope your doctor's appointment on Monday goes well. Sending you many many many hugs.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Anxiety is through the roof. Been cashier training last 3 days. It is NOT sinking in. At ALL. And I feel totally overwhelmed. Been choked up all night, knowing we will be dealing with actual customers tomorrow. I KNOW I will end up in tears. It's been hard not to cry during the training(!) I am so very much looking for a new job. I simply cannot handle this one. I don't even want to get out of bed. My mood sucks. I'm frustrated beyond words and feel like a trapped animal. I want to just walk SOOOOO badly, but no income is a no-go.

Holding back tears right now on the bus. I've made a HUGE mistake.

I'll be packing some xanax tomorrow, that's for sure.

FML

Edited to add-- ****. In the midst of crying myself to sleep, I remembered I have a nerve conduction test in the morning beforehand. If you've never had one, they're rather painful. I don't even want tomorrow to come. It is too much.

Oh honey I am so sorry this new job is not at all what you want. I honestly know that feeling so well sadly. I'm sorry you feel like a caged animal. I'm going to unlock that cage. Just breath I know retail is stressful and often times rough when dealing with our types of situation. I am sending you some big bear hugs and hope you find a new job asap; one that you love.


I hope your nerve conduction study goes very well and that it isn't to painful.

I am basically at a standstill, a complete standstill

I don't know what else to say

every day is just groundhog day- going through the motions, eating less than average food, having little to no interaction with people, and then failing to get a good night's sleep

and that all starts again the next day, and the next, and the next, and the next

doesn't help living with 30 or so alters

I guess the positive of this week is that I got to have pancakes with sugar and lemmon on

they were good too, ended up having like 3 of them

but it doesn't solve the emptyness and sadness inside