My Wellbutrin has run out and i'm not gonna refill it as i don't feel it was doing anything. I cancelled my doctor's appointment tomorrow too. I just don't think there's anything doctors can do for mild depression and my early Spring hypomania is due soon so i'll be feeling better naturally. I have a headache and had nausea midday. The stomach is okay now and my head feels some better. Not sure if it's the Wellbutrin withdrawal or the fact that i've been cooped up for two days due to the snowstorm and have been oversleeping and feel stale. It was a tough day. Tomorrow i'm going out for sure. Yay -- escape from my condo!

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I went to a stone and sound meditation event last night that was both soothing and relaxing. There were sounds with bowls (sounds weird I know), a mandolin with the healer’s beautiful voice and a Native American flute.

I went to PT today and ran some errands.

I broke the promise I made to my pdoc and my family a few days ago and I am ashamed of and disappointed in myself. I’ve kept that promise all these years. Should be IP I know. I see my pdoc next Wednesday and I’ll be honest about what happened. If he says IP...I’ll go.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

Don’t be hard on yourself. I’ve been there and sometimes life just feels impossible. Sending lots of love!

[winter loneliness]

Doing well. Kind of irritable, so I smoked a joint. Now I am calm and relaxed.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone; I am feeling a little better today. I still don't feel the best but at least I didn't lock myself in my office and refused to deal with patient complaints. I am trying to look on the bright side; can't really see that side right now but I know it has to be there. I also have a circle of people who would probably riot; not to mention I have a Psych who I trust completely which I did not have the last time my issues hit me like a train. I am older and wiser then when that happened. I have a more understanding boss and I am surrounded by various medical professionals day in and day out; so even if I don't catch it one of them will catch it.

I'm just annoyed because I was and have been stable and working since October and I've felt like my old self and happy since the beginning of this year and now my issues are popping up again even earlier than last year. I keep having nightmares of my current boss saying what my former boss said. Which my brain knows she would never say those kind of things and that she has done nothing but treat me with respect. It's just my brain and anxiety planning evil tricks on me.

I'm also not sleeping as good as I used to at night I would take a Seroquel, Buspar, and Melatonin and within fifteen minutes I was fast asleep. Last night I tossed and turned. I know it's probably my brain overreacting like usual and I know the little sleep I get is so very important to me being a functional person and I'm just feeling exhausted. I know Valentine's Day is tomorrow and I am so looking forward to it as is M. He also surprised me with news of a surprise trip. It's not like a New York vacation but it's really nice to be getting away for Valentine's Day and it being just the two of us. His dogs are going to his parents place and R knows how to feed my cat his Prozac; so right now I am trying to get all of my school work done so I can enjoy my time away.

I also saw my Psych today and my medications have all been changed. I decided maybe everyone is right and maybe it is depression and not Bipolar. He's the first person to actually sit down and really get to know me unlike the other two women who were in and out and threw medication at me. So I feel like he's willing to go the extra mile like my primary doc. I'm scared a little to start a new convo but the boss and I had a meaningful convo and I have a heard of medical staff who has my back. Not to mention I think I am better equipped this time and I know that stress causes adrenaline and I'm extra sensitive to it. I am on a taper of Seroquel and he told me to eat whatever Buspar I have which should get me through the vacation with M. So for now I'm going to enjoy my time and not let anything bother me.

Hugs to everyone

[winter loneliness]

Oh yea, I forgot to say that I might be getting manicky. I went to bed at 1am last night and couldn't get Ito sleep until 930 this morning.

I did talk to an old friend yesterday. We went to high school and college together and fell out of touch. He is planning on flying to meet me! Maybe in Hawaii.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I just got the EKG necessary for ongoing ECT done. It took all of 2 minutes after waiting about 45.

EKG's are so much fun at this point I think I've had at least 15 in the last year. I joked the last time I saw the Cardio that I'm pretty sure I could do my own EKG. He's told me you probably could. I'm sorry you had such a wait.

[Wander]

Ok. I will harp on this one last time. Here I sit out the back of my parents house on a lovely summers eve as the sun goes down - FREE. No white walls, no constant room checks and no psychosis. Life, at this moment, is good. It is amazing what we take for granted until it is taken away. Tomorrow I will go home. I am so excited to be back in my flat by the ocean.

My pdoc made me hand in all my meds to my local pharmacy and have them hand them to me in weekly blasted packs. Annoying, and a violation of my freedom, but it shows to me my pdoc cares enough about me to make sure I am safe as can be during this transition period from hospital to home. Gosh, I must of freaked him out. He has never done this to me.

My dad has been sounding better this past week. He seems to have gotten past alcohol withdrawal and is actually going to and liking AA. I knew he would. That makes me very happy. I will visit him later this morning. He said he would drive to my house, but I told him I would go to his. I want to see his progress with my own eyes first.

Today will be busy since I need to go grocery shopping, some cleaning, and make some special things for Valentine's day. I'm glad that my mood/energy has been improving these past one and a half weeks, but often I "deflate" a little a night.

After years on disability dealing with major mood and other issues, I sometimes wonder how I used to manage working a full-time job and doing the rest of the stuff, too. And I never even had kids! At my best times in recent years, being a housewife, maybe taking one online college course, playing with/feeding/caring for my parrot, and a little internet stuff is the best I could manage. And I felt extremely productive at that time! I celebrate what I can do vs. feeling inadequate. Yes, I do want to push myself further, but I know from past experience that doing so too much and/or too fast becomes destabilizing.

[Scooter9]

Wow I'm feeling really low. Lovely and depressed.

My mother is doing well. She went for her first physiotherapy session yesterday. Of course there was pain but she handled it well and it looks like the bleeding has stopped, so that's good news.

Nothing I'm doing seems to be helping this low mood. Just hanging in there now.

[Blueberrybook]

Having H work from home today has been really nice. We've all had a much better Valentine's Day than last year. It was nice to spend uninterrupted together time too. It didn't even really bite into his work as he spends at least 3 hours a day commuting, assuming there aren't any traffic situations.

Hugs to all out there feeling down. Sorry I just can't stay on top of forum posts if my life depended upon it, so much other stuff I want to do. Not crazy stuff, things like finish the book club discussion book for the month, put together a new music playlist, start watching the backlog of shows I have recorded on the DVR.

Need to vent

Had ECT today and in the recovery room people kept chewing loudly with their mouths open. That sound drives me crazy to the point if I'm trapped in that I start freaking the **** out. I'm almost out of Zyprexa and called my doc the other day for a refill and went to the pharmacy to pick it up only to get home and find out it's Effexor which I haven't been on in months. I'm sick of everyone being an idiot and I'm sick of myself having to deal with it. I'm contemplating going to the ER. I would tell them I want to kill myself. I'm there and I'll be completely honest so I never get out. Or maybe I should just kill myself; I don't know. Other people love me, but I don't love them. I don't care about anything or anyone including myself.

Only 4pm but I'm going to take some remeron and hope some sleep calms me down, not like I haven't been sleeping 12 hours a day but I'll take what I can get.

today someone came out to fix my tumble drier. I am so glad it's fixed, it's been broken for 2 days (and seeing as I rely on it, it was the longest 2 days of my life).

I started a new creative writing peace today (which will probably end up forgotten about like all the others)

but I love the main character. she's an 8 year old girl that bites things.

had a pretty disgusting dinner, it was all I could do not to throw up on my plate

I also found an online stream for my hospital radio station. it seems they've gotten with the times now and got one (yay)

I am now listening to atlantis

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

My dad has been sounding better this past week. He seems to have gotten past alcohol withdrawal and is actually going to and liking AA. I knew he would. That makes me very happy. I will visit him later this morning. He said he would drive to my house, but I told him I would go to his. I want to see his progress with my own eyes first.

Today will be busy since I need to go grocery shopping, some cleaning, and make some special things for Valentine's day. I'm glad that my mood/energy has been improving these past one and a half weeks, but often I "deflate" a little a night.

After years on disability dealing with major mood and other issues, I sometimes wonder how I used to manage working a full-time job and doing the rest of the stuff, too. And I never even had kids! At my best times in recent years, being a housewife, maybe taking one online college course, playing with/feeding/caring for my parrot, and a little internet stuff is the best I could manage. And I felt extremely productive at that time! I celebrate what I can do vs. feeling inadequate. Yes, I do want to push myself further, but I know from past experience that doing so too much and/or too fast becomes destabilizing.

I hear ya, in my 20s and early 30s I was working part time, going to college full time and raising my son. Got my associates degree and a a 2 yr computer degree. I worked just full time on and off then too. My moods were mainly hypo in the summer and horrible crushing depression in the winter. But both my degrees ransfered to the university here, and my goal was to get a masters in biology. But my back went out and had to have surgery, then a yr later my mom passed and then a yr later I went into a psychosis. I have only been on ssi for about 3 yrs. I'm on it more for my back than bp.

But I understand being able to do so much before and so little now bc of disabilities.

[Blue_Bird]

Last night was very rough, stress just kept accumulating over the week with bad symptoms coming back full force. I knew I had to make myself lay down and go to sleep, so I took my prn and did that. If I stayed up I just would of gotten more and more agitated and end up doing something very stupid. I woke up today feeling somewhat better but didn't feel like going to my classes. forced myself to go because even though I've been struggling I want to at least make an effort. The day ended up going very well! Now I'm home relaxing. Not doing anything for Valentines day, chilling with my cats and watching stuff on Netflix. lol

I think I'm gonna have to go to the dr about my eye. It's just getting worse. One of my friends developed pink eye from old mascara. My mascara is old. I think that's what I have. Or some kind of infection.

The snow has melted some. We are supposed to get rain/snow mix today. I just cant wait till winter is over.

My mood is low but that's typical for me in winter.

Today is one of my sisters bday. I got her some bath stuff.

We are really broke this month. We just live on my ssi. I'm probably going to have to borrow some money from one of my sisters.

Edit: it's snowing....ugh!

Hope everyone has a good day.

Doing ok, mood-wise. Ran into a couple walls (figuratively) today, but persisting to not have an open day go to waste. Getting my supplies to where I do the internship. That's pretty major. I have a lot to sort through though. May end up bringing some back home. One "wall" today prevented me from getting a supply I was going to use, so those projects will just have to wait. Oh well.

After one "wall", I got a double shot mocha. That ought to help, lol.

Hugs all around...

[Under*Over]

I think I have a cold. Achoo!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Under*Over

I think I have a cold. Achoo!

Me too......but I'm still hoping I'm just tired from a bad night last night.

Feel better!

[pirilin]

One demon got to me. It was expected.

Cheers.

[beauflow]

I want to check in... then I ramble.

Hoping all are well, well enough, or moments pass by as gently as possible.

Idk if I am "managing " or getting by.

Anyways
Cig smoking- haven't started back up, ..yes Sunday took a few puffs and realize how disgusting and how unhelpful a cig was.
Have the vape but not a train.

Earlier I was trying to convince myself to get help now I am like, do I need it? Maybe I just need a vacation. .. idk why but the thought of accepting diagnosis for me is like-- accepting I have a problem *gulp* it's easy, whatever no duh dumb *** , right?.. I am fine, really.. just chaotic at times.
I am taking a four day weekend, where I work presents day isn't a holiday.
This evening
I have been obsessed with my personal laptop and why the windows security popup box wont accept my password where everywhere else it does work.. I am not understanding something obviously.

Work today, hours shut in my office working to just go. Motivation is mainly "I have to come back" even if I am dreading to be there. Didn't eat lunch.

I too am tired of humans, but *sigh* understanding and reminding myself that we all have struggles.
At times, I sometimes have these thoughts of "well if I have to play with these characters let's play" ... I've been trying best to just go with the flow.. other times I can nearly make Sense due to my fast talking, and topic switching. Anxiety
Hostility, snappy, bring it, and leave me alone, isolation.

If I don't work, what the hell am I going to do?
That's my motivation. I am so tired but wired.
I need to make a to do list for my days off...
Guess find a therapist after getting some delicious cherry pie ((which is a drive out
. I hope it doesn't snow))

[~Christina]

My husband got me a beautiful card.

We had planned to go out but neither of us felt like it. So omelette’s for dinner ! Yum

Hallucinations ongoing but have Cogentin on board but will take at least 3 days in my experience. I hope for faster response. At least I still know it’s not real. Not sure how much longer that’s going to hold on.

Otherwise it has been a nice day.

[cashart10]

IOP went really well this morning. I still feel bad but I feel like it’s a break. A necessary rest. And, I think without it I would just continue to deteriorate. I haven’t noticed anything on Latuda yet but I’m only taking 10 mg this first week. I haven’t read much on here today so I’ll try to catch up with everyone tomorrow. Hugs and love to all who need them!!!

[Pikku Myy]

Why at this point, should I care. Be happy with what you are.

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

My husband got me a beautiful card.

We had planned to go out but neither of us felt like it. So omelette’s for dinner ! Yum

Hallucinations ongoing but have Cogentin on board but will take at least 3 days in my experience. I hope for faster response. At least I still know it’s not real. Not sure how much longer that’s going to hold on.

Otherwise it has been a nice day.

You are one strong woman!

[AspiringAuthor]

Slight depression: not motivated, difficulty focusing (switching tabs in my browser, checking email knowing that I just checked in, all while what I should be doing is building a critically important spreadsheet my manager has been pinging me about). No creativity, spark is gone. I would say that suddenly I miss my racing thoughts....

Yesterday night: 2400 mg Gabapentin, 5 mg Zydis, 25 mg Topamax, Melatonin.
Tonight will try going to 7.5 mg Zyprexa with only 15 mg Topamax just to see what will happen with the zest for life.

It is slow around me.

Also, sprained my ankle, but that happens to me from time to time. Hurt at first.