[Wander]

I think I’m going to die ...long story. Not up to it now. Scared.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

We're here for you when you are able to talk. It's going to be ok. Talk to your nurse and let them know how afraid you are.

[Wander]

Talked to my nurse. Pdoc apparently on his way. I don’t trust them for good reason - not paranoia. Very agitated and volatile. Will have to run before they detail me. Yet too scared too. After nearly being locked up last night NO ONE asked how I was and my pdoc didn’t visit as he said. No one here cares. This triggers me no end. I am going to act. I’m so worked up, freaked out and have no options left. Only killing myself will prove my point.

[MickeyCheeky]

Please stay safe, Wander. I know things are really hard for you right now. But remember that you're strong! You have so much more to give to this world. Don't throw it all away. Talk to us if it helps. Anything to keep your mind occupied. Please stay away from those negative thoughts. We all love you here. This world wouldn't be the same without you. Things can and will get better at some point. Please don't hurt yourself. I'm here for you if you want to talk privately. Just give yourself some time before doing to anything. Count to ten. Wait a few hours. Hopefully you'll feel better then. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Wander]

Convinced my pdoc not to lock me up but I’m on a very short leash. I’m so reactionary, so agitated and my mind is racing. The only thing stopping me is my love for my family. Yet my mind gets so clouded even that isn’t enough. Right now I’m going to curl up in bed and hide. I don’t know how else to keep safe.

[MickeyCheeky]

We're here for you, Wander. Try to get some rest. Anything that will help you feel safe. Sending many hugs to you

[Wander]

I discovered that last night, when being assessed for a locked ward the first time, no records of the situation were passed onto the night staff, and then the day staff. My pdoc didn't even come in to check on me. WTF. This filled me with a sense of abandonment, failed again by authorities, not being taken seriously and worst of all, a great lack of care for my life.

This enraged me and sent me into such a spin which led me to be almost locked up again. Am I being too sensitive? My pdoc said my reaction was way out of character and proportion which is why he was so worried about me. It is 8.50pm and I am drinking coffee because I don't want to sleep. I don't know why. I am scared. If anything more aggravates me I will lose control and be locked up. What am I doing? I am so agitated, frightened and suicidal. Maybe I need to be locked up. Maybe I am not safe. Yet, I feel that being locked up will be the end of me due to the traumatic circumstance.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, Wander If it can help you stay safe, I'd suggest to go to the hospital. It's your decision. Just do whathever you feel it's the right thing to do. Whatever will help you feel safe. Just be careful. You deserve to live well. I'm so sorry you're going through. Please remember that it won't last forever. You will feel better at some. Take all the time you need. Take baby steps. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Keep writing here if it helps. Remember that you're stronger than you think. You've got this. Stay safe and take care of yourself. I'm here for you as well if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Sending many hugs to you

[Wild Coyote]

Hang in there, Wander. It's very likely to get better!
Thinking of you.

WC

Originally Posted by Wander

I discovered that last night, when being assessed for a locked ward the first time, no records of the situation were passed onto the night staff, and then the day staff. My pdoc didn't even come in to check on me. WTF. This filled me with a sense of abandonment, failed again by authorities, not being taken seriously and worst of all, a great lack of care for my life.

This enraged me and sent me into such a spin which led me to be almost locked up again. Am I being too sensitive? My pdoc said my reaction was way out of character and proportion which is why he was so worried about me. It is 8.50pm and I am drinking coffee because I don't want to sleep. I don't know why. I am scared. If anything more aggravates me I will lose control and be locked up. What am I doing? I am so agitated, frightened and suicidal. Maybe I need to be locked up. Maybe I am not safe. Yet, I feel that being locked up will be the end of me due to the traumatic circumstance.

I would count my blessings. The best hospital here does not provide cookies, coffee, Internet you can barely use the phone . If family brings in things for you you're lucky not to have them disappear.

I have followed your posts for yrs and your cycle is get stable, go off meds. Drink and use alcohol, then end up hospitalized again. I think it's time you break that cycle. Stay off the drugs and booze. If you cant, get help. You are in a very a very good hospital. Here the nurses could jack ****. You're not guaranteed to see your pdoc ev er ryday and certainly not at night!?

I know I'm sounding harsh, but I think you need to hear it.

I have really been a member of pc since since 2011. But I truly went into a psychosis a couple times and left and reopened a new account. At least for me, when I'm that paranoid the last ppl I trust are strangers and I close my account. So yeah I've seen your posts since you've been around.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Hi Wander, hope you are doing a little better now. I dont know your whole history but read some of your recent posts. I have been on locked wards a lot recently and I am so against it when it happens. It is always the police or ambulance in the worst case taking me to the hospital. I am a very big danger to myself at that point though and it really is for the best. After I come out of the episode(manic followed by depression) I am thankful that I was there in a place that was uncomfortable but safe.

We are formed here in Canada too, 72hrs for assessment and then they decide if you have to stay longer. It sounds like your drs are more relaxed about you having freedom which I would think would make your stay shorter which would help too. Here they have you locked up a lot sooner than what you are describing.

If you are already having trouble with past experiences please do not run, it will only make things worse. Being picked up by and running from the police so many times now some of it is very traumatic and in my experience is way worse than voluntarily going to a locked ward if you can convince yourself to make that decision.

Please take care of yourself

[Wander]

Thanks everyone. I read all your posts. Yes, I have been acting like an arse. So combative, self-entitled, and demanding, wanting the world to revolve around me. I feel terrible about how I have been acting and now I have calmed down I intend to make some significant changes. First, be thankful that I have access to an amazing health system only 20 minutes from my flat, second be thankful that the doctors and nurses hadn't booted me out when I was behaving so badly. I really should have been held under the mental health act but my doctor is very loose when it comes to that. Maybe thats a good thing, maybe he was playing with my life. Finally, I am going to work on my mental health more seriously, like being compliant and not doing drugs. I might have the odd social drink but leave it at that. It is pretty much standard fair here in Australia. A bad habit to break.

I do appreciate all your input and feel ashamed of my behaviour, especially now I am thinking clearer. I am very lucky. Hopefully now I have calmed down and am not psychotic (that I am aware of, my pdoc thought I was still a bit last nigh) I should be able to go home soon. Hopefully after the weekend once I have proved I am stable.I hope that is all. I did hope to respond to all your posts. Please forgive me. I was so unwell, yet that is no excuse for some of my behaviour.

[~Christina]

Glad your feeling much better. No reason to feel guilty.

[cashart10]

Yes, please don’t feel guilty. All my love to you!

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Hi Wander. I haven't seen you on today/tomorrow/whatever it is in Australia. Are you doing ok? Any improvement in the thoughts? Are they still doing ECT or did they stop that (can't remember if you were doing maintenance)?

Your system is so different than what we have in the US. I think it's hard to remember we can't compare as the systems are so totally different. Even in the US there is a of variance. I go to a unit that most people would be really envious of. It's not like what you have but it's not a classic unit either. I'm sure there are downsides to your system too. I hope that you are able to stay where you are most comfortable.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Oops, posts crosse in the internet.

Please don't feel shame. You've done nothing wrong and you aren't responsible for the things that happen during an episode.YOu come here for support and deserve to get that without judgment, especially when you've been so unwell. Worry about one thing at a time but never shame.

[Wander]

I need to explain something. In Australia we have the public and private systems. The public system is a disgrace and a place you would go anywhere to avoid. That is where the locked wards, major theft, assaults, awful food if you are lucky enough to get some, and other bad stuff generally.

Then there is the Private System. I pay a huge amount of money each month to ensure I have access to these hospitals. As I don't know what you pay and the conditions you get for that money I am not comparing. Just clearing things up a bit. Perhaps this is why my pdoc was so reluctant to send me there as it can be much more traumatic tham being heavily drugged to sleep it off. Still, I believe he made the wrong call and was luck. Thankfully, I am still here.

I am so sorry if I have offended someone. I have heard the mental health system in the USA is a disgrace in some ways. I am juts thankful for what I have.

[Guiness187055]

Glad you are turning a corner and feeling better.

[Pookyl]

Happy to hear you’re on the mend. Don’t be in a hurry to be discharged. Take care

Hi wander,

I hope I didn't add to you feeling ashamed. And yeah, I need to remember that alcohol is pretty common place there compared to here. I'm glad you're feeling better and sincerely hope you continue getting better.

It's just we are close to the same age and I'd hate to see you following a cycle that is really detrimental to your health. I've lost friends that had mental health issues as well as drug and alcohol. Here, in my city you don't really receive mental health treatment if you're poor and using. They just won't give them to you unless you go to rehab. I don't agree with it but that's how it is.

My son has a psychotic disorder and was smoking weed. They refused to treat him until he quit and had a couple clean ua's. He is doing much better off the weed and stickingto taking his meds more.

Anyway, I would hate to see you live your life in and out of the hospital all the time. Stability can feel pretty awesome if you let it.

Originally Posted by Wander

I need to explain something. In Australia we have the public and private systems. The public system is a disgrace and a place you would go anywhere to avoid. That is where the locked wards, major theft, assaults, awful food if you are lucky enough to get some, and other bad stuff generally.

Then there is the Private System. I pay a huge amount of money each month to ensure I have access to these hospitals. As I don't know what you pay and the conditions you get for that money I am not comparing. Just clearing things up a bit. Perhaps this is why my pdoc was so reluctant to send me there as it can be much more traumatic tham being heavily drugged to sleep it off. Still, I believe he made the wrong call and was luck. Thankfully, I am still here.

I am so sorry if I have offended someone. I have heard the mental health system in the USA is a disgrace in some ways. I am juts thankful for what I have.

Yeah here we kinda have the same thing. I'm on medicaid so I and my son get what we can. In my city there are hospitals that take private insurance or medicare. They are the nicer hospitals. The ones that take medicaid, you're just a number to them. I've had a nurse crush my thumb in the door. My family didn't believe that it was that bad. Then they came to visit. They hadn't even washed the the tables!

The night the nurse smashed my finger in the door I left. I went to my regular dr to get my meds. I do everything I can to avoid being hospitalized. I've had to hospitalze my son a couple times and it was very hard to let him go but he was extremely psychotic.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by rose1985

Hi wander,

I hope I didn't add to you feeling ashamed. And yeah, I need to remember that alcohol is pretty common place there compared to here. I'm glad you're feeling better and sincerely hope you continue getting better.

It's just we are close to the same age and I'd hate to see you following a cycle that is really detrimental to your health. I've lost friends that had mental health issues as well as drug and alcohol. Here, in my city you don't really receive mental health treatment if you're poor and using. They just won't give them to you unless you go to rehab. I don't agree with it but that's how it is.

My son has a psychotic disorder and was smoking weed. They refused to treat him until he quit and had a couple clean ua's. He is doing much better off the weed and stickingto taking his meds more.

Anyway, I would hate to see you live your life in and out of the hospital all the time. Stability can feel pretty awesome if you let it.

Thanks so much Rose. This means a lot to me. I am so sorry that you and your son don't have access to decent mental health care. It sounds like the public system here. They really just don't give a f*** about anyone who doesn't have the money for Private Health. I pay $50 a week for insurance and only earn $200 after rent. Any expenses here are much higher than in the USA (I have traveled there twice when I was able to hold down a job). So basically I can only pay my health insurance, utilities, food, petrol, insurance for car and internet. Sorry to drag on but I am just showing you how hard it is to live in poverty and have good health insurance. When I went on my drug binges I just didn't eat. That is over though. No more drugs for me. I have been clean since 3 rd October last year.

I wish you all the best.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Im really happy to hear you are safe and feeling more clear!

Originally Posted by Wander

Thanks so much Rose. This means a lot to me. I am so sorry that you and your son don't have access to decent mental health care. It sounds like the public system here. They really just don't give a f*** about anyone who doesn't have the money for Private Health. I pay $50 a week for insurance and only earn $200 after rent. Any expenses here are much higher than in the USA (I have traveled there twice when I was able to hold down a job). So basically I can only pay my health insurance, utilities, food, petrol, insurance for car and internet. Sorry to drag on but I am just showing you how hard it is to live in poverty and have good health insurance. When I went on my drug binges I just didn't eat. That is over though. No more drugs for me. I have been clean since 3 rd October last year.

I wish you all the best.

I really wish the best for you too.