[Blue_Bird]

I spent the day hanging out with my friend, had so much fun. It's been like 3 or more months since I've hung out with anybody

[Moose72]

I'm watching Dr. Katz. I wish I had more seasons on DVD.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I went to the dentist to get a temporary filling after a root canal replaced and wound up with that done plus another tooth filled and a third filling that was done incorrectly fixed. I've had so much dental work this last 6 months since starting at this dentist; I'm going to run out of teeth soon.

But I'm so glad to have access to good dental care and the problems are just the result of too many years on too many psych meds. There are worse side effects.

Now I'm relaxing and making a shopping list for tomorrow.

[MsSunflower]

Just found out that the place I'm volunteering at isn't just in the neighbourhood but is literally next door to where I used to live when I was 13/14. I have a lot of bad memories of that place that all seemed to come back as soon as I seen the image on Google maps. I feel afraid of going now but also silly that I let it have such a hold on me.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by MsSunflower

Just found out that the place I'm volunteering at isn't just in the neighbourhood but is literally next door to where I used to live when I was 13/14. I have a lot of bad memories of that place that all seemed to come back as soon as I seen the image on Google maps. I feel afraid of going now but also silly that I let it have such a hold on me.

Hi! Your reaction is not silly at all. I have locations like that in my city. Some I cannot get closer than a square mile radius of, others are difficult the first few times then I’m ok. Maybe try a drive by before the event and see how you feel. Take care.

[~Christina]

Had a few ptsd issues pop up today. So not fun ! Unfortunately this Trigger pops up in many movies. So I fled the room and immediately pulled up videos of Tucker Budzen.

He’s a golden retriever and gorgeous and the videos are hilarious, if you have never heard of him please look him up on YouTube , you will find him adorable and hilarious and if you don’t you might lack a soul lol

Anyway I muddled through the worst of the trigger but I’m glad that I see my T tomorrow, I need some reassurance on a couple things that can occasionally cloud my vision.

Hugs and calorie free cookies for all

[Wander]

After a massive trigger on Monday I have been filled with an increasing rage. While there are so many things in my past to be angry at this rage is no longer attached to any particular thing. It is taking all my strength to contain it.

Thankfully I saw my T today and we discussed stopping the trauma therapy as I feel one step away from psychosis. My brain is losing grip. We also discussed coping strategies, and how my rage is totally valid. We agreed exercise is the best thing but with my sore hip I’m restricted. Hopefully my Physio will clear me for light swimming in a pool tomorrow.

My T also wants me to try and get an appointment with my pdoc ASAP. I saw him last week and he was booked out for five weeks so I’m not sure how that will go. This is because I found low dose Seroquel was a great punch out on Monday night. My mind calmed down. I don’t have much left, hence the need.
My T seemed calm but concerned. Several times in the past trauma has driven me to, or over, the edge of sanity. I’m scared because I know what my mind is doing and I’ve been there before.

[Scooter9]

My pdoc upped my dose of bupropion (Wellbutrin) to 300mg because it seems to be working.

I'm feeling better now that I'm 4 weeks into the 150mg dose and hoping for more improvement at 300mg.

Overall I'm still depressed but I'm getting by. I'm focusing on what's good in my life. I had a job interview that went well. My son is visiting. The Raptors won the NBA championship. The weather is getting better and I hope I can get the motivation to get into the garden and catch up on things I left undone last year.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Had a few ptsd issues pop up today. So not fun ! Unfortunately this Trigger pops up in many movies. So I fled the room and immediately pulled up videos of Tucker Budzen.

He’s a golden retriever and gorgeous and the videos are hilarious, if you have never heard of him please look him up on YouTube , you will find him adorable and hilarious and if you don’t you might lack a soul lol

Anyway I muddled through the worst of the trigger but I’m glad that I see my T tomorrow, I need some reassurance on a couple things that can occasionally cloud my vision.

Hugs and calorie free cookies for all

I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m glad you are seeing your T soon.

[Moose72]

Speaking of ptsd, i have some memories that ive rarely to never brought up. When I have, my counselor has said its no big deal if its not directly affecting my life but they are still hanging around yk? Ps I dont have ptsd.

I have comparatively low spirits today. I use the word "spirits" and not depression. I know everyone on this earth has such low spirit days.

Sometimes I chug along enjoying a lot of what I do. Then occasionally I feel a little trapped. I want to do something more, especially more in terms of contributing to the household income, but I don't know what to do. Also, so often my ideas are shot down by my husband. He doesn't mean harm, but I do get frustrated. When I fight him on such things, he almost (or does) start to cry in agony saying how much he hates his job and feels imprisoned by it, and that I'm not supporting him enough. He really wants to runaway (with me), but we don't have any firm plans on what to do, where to go, and how to make a go of it. The ideas there are (mostly all his) seem so stressful to me, or like a gamble. He's forcing his ideas on me again. His quasi dreams. And during this time before any action, only I am making superficial moves to help make his dream come true. I'm taking such steps to appease him. I'm hating it! Because of that, I'm failing.

I love my husband so so much and would never want to be without him, and hate to see him hurt. If I didn't care anymore, it would easy for me to just tell him to go his way and that I'd go mine. Having been on disability for so long, and putting a strain on a lifestyle (and ability for choices), I do feel guilty. If I didn't want to be with him as much, I swear that I'd give him everything I have and move on to start by scratch. Yes, I'd be quite poor, financially, but I would have a bit more independence.

My husband has always been more of the alpha person in our marriage. That doesn't mean I wasn't a strong, independent, assertive, and adventurous type before him and in our early years together. But my illness really dragged me down in so many ways. I lost a lot of the independence and an ability to support him, as he's needed.

We were and currently still are on my home turf, for the most part. Yet I'm a bit chained within my own backyard. If we move far away to his home continent, I fear I'll be such a fish totally out of water, hanging on to him for dear life. And if he were to ever leave me behind there, I wonder what I'd do. Years may pass and my roots at home may thin or even disappear.

It was only about 9 months ago, during a visit with my brother, that out of the blue he said something like "You know, BirdDancer, if ever it comes to it, I would take care of you." That immediately struck me! It was a loving and caring statement, but one that made me feel scared, weak and a little pathetic. As a young woman, I never felt I needed to be cared for. I traveled around the world by myself, paid my own way, and rarely ever flinched with fear. What has happened to me?!?!

Maybe I underestimate myself. What can I do to strengthen my foundation further? I have made good progress over the years since my mental traumas, but I'm far from being able to run a 5K in life.

[Blueberrybook]

Tired beyond tired today. Feeling cold so had to put on socks and sweater. We keep our thermostat at 75F and lose cold air from lack of good insulation. A bit down as I was feeling more like myself yesterday. I know the improvement is expected to be gradual, but when you backpedal, it is depessing

[lightly toasted]

Letting the depression win a bit today, like an enveloping soft and familiar friend. Kitty is well looked after, and I did housekeeping basics and a couple of loads of laundry. But I allowed myself 5 cups of tea, two beyond my usual maximum. And I found yesterday's clothes a bit too comfortable to get out of to have a bath, so I'm not having one.

I'm just too tired to fight the good fight today, I did the important stuff. I'm just letting the fog roll in, just for today.

[Wander]

I emailed my pdoc yesterday to try and get my appointment moved sooner as it was in a months time. My T urged me to do this. After explaining the rage I’m feeling and how I am at breaking point my pdoc got his team to call me within a few hours. I now have an appointment for tomorrow. I am so thankful he was able to squeeze me in so soon. I really don’t want to go IP again.

[MsSunflower]

That's awesome news Wander. Glad you have such an understanding doctor. Mine has squeezed me in to see him on occasion. Definitely helped keep me out of the hospital too.

[Pookyl]

Back to feeling normal after last weeks sui week. I took Epilim for 6 days and then stopped as the ‘I could eat non-stop’ started. I’m also back on immediate release Seroquel. I saw pdoc yesterday. She’s ok that I’ve stopped taking the Epilim. Not 100% happy but ok.

[bizi]

Drinking mikes hard lemonade black cherry after going to an AA meeting, how f****** up is that?
bizi

[sadveiledbride]

Feeling very irritated and depressive. I got around 4 or 5 hours of sleep today. Wishing I could sleep more but am trying not to delude myself for not being able to. Angry about an appointment I have tomorrow. Angry and disappointed with myself.

[~Christina]

The ptsd will always be a part of my life and I’ll just have to roll with it and try to avoid movies that have guns in them , yeah that honestly is very hard to do nowadays .... I am so furious that I brought a friend from PC into my home and her actions will cause me pure hell at times the rest of my life.

My T and I talked it out.... So I feel back on firmer ground again ... well until the next time.

Things could always be worse.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by bizi

Drinking mikes hard lemonade black cherry after going to an AA meeting, how f****** up is that?
bizi

Awww Bizi don’t beat yourself up. Tomorrow is a new day hun

[Nevvy]

Haven't been on here for a looooong time.

On a lot of meds, still trying to find myself a job where I won't have big problems, but I'm okay

This isn't really about today, but since I was last on here I dropped 60lbs, which helped keeping it in check, a lot. I am slipping a little now, but I am keeping everything under control. My pdoc switched to another clinic, so I am waiting to hear about my new one, and I'm almost on the top of the EMDR list! So crap and Yay!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Nevvy

Haven't been on here for a looooong time.

On a lot of meds, still trying to find myself a job where I won't have big problems, but I'm okay

This isn't really about today, but since I was last on here I dropped 60lbs, which helped keeping it in check, a lot. I am slipping a little now, but I am keeping everything under control. My pdoc switched to another clinic, so I am waiting to hear about my new one, and I'm almost on the top of the EMDR list! So crap and Yay!

How did you lose the 60 pounds, if I can ask? And what meds were/aare you on while losing?

[Nevvy]

Originally Posted by Moose72

How did you lose the 60 pounds, if I can ask? And what meds were/aare you on while losing?

I started seeing a dietician and went low carb (did it with hubby), as for pills...

Lithium

Zyprexa (was daily, switched to as needed for sleep, big weight gain pill for me when it was daily) - this was the big change that started it I think. This pill was the devil for me, haha.

Oxazepam
Lamictal
Seroquel

And metformin - This was also a big thing for me, it helps weight loss in non-diabetics, but it also forced me to wean off of fried things (doesn't work well for me with that pill.... ....)

And when I started losing weight, my mood improved and then it sort of got me into this new thing of not liking being in the house.

I joined a gym too, but that's only for cardio to help my mood. It has an effect, sure, but I pretty much do it when I can't go and walk somewhere.

Originally Posted by Nevvy

Haven't been on here for a looooong time.

On a lot of meds, still trying to find myself a job where I won't have big problems, but I'm okay

This isn't really about today, but since I was last on here I dropped 60lbs, which helped keeping it in check, a lot. I am slipping a little now, but I am keeping everything under control. My pdoc switched to another clinic, so I am waiting to hear about my new one, and I'm almost on the top of the EMDR list! So crap and Yay!

Super congratulations! You kicked butt with the weight loss. It is wonderful how many steps you took to improve your health, physical and psychological.

At my very heaviest ever, on not so friendly bipolar medications, I, too, sought help from a dietitian. I specifically asked for that professional help because my triglycerides and cholesterol were through the roof, and I had become pre-diabetic. I was also put on a somewhat low carb diet of 60 g net (not total) carbohydrates and a reasonable fat allowance, but not one that allowed lard sandwiches. I lost 40 lbs in six months on that diet and normalized all of my blood work. I retained the loss for a few years, and in the past 8 years since I have never reached that highest weight. I have gained, because of medication changes, but I am taking charge now, too. My current diet is just on my own, but I bring to it the knowledge I gained from my time with the dietitian. I allow myself some more carbs, but am still keeping them in check.

Lithium was weight neutral for me, too. I take Seroquel XR and though at higher doses it's a challenge, at doses of 500 mg and below I can lose weight on a diet. At my current dose of 500 mg, my appetite is reasonable enough that dieting isn't that big of a struggle. Being stable (or mostly) is important for me, too.

Unlike you, I have not added a significant exercise program into my life. My energy levels have increased, though. I would not call myself completely sedentary anymore. It feels good!

I got 7 straight hours of sleep last night(!) (Have been waking up in the middle of the night nearly every night. Sometimes finally getting back to sleep hours later, sometimes not at all).

I have unfortunately been off of work because, you guessed it, I had a return of pinkeye Sunday, and the boss insisted I take off out of fear others might catch it. I am VERY fastidious and therefore no one in my house or former job caught it, but there ya have it. I had an appt. with a PA, who was quite thorough (the others were not at all), followed by an appt. with an opthamologist who is taking a different approach. It seems to be clearing nicely, so hopefully I can go back to work tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

Have had a bit of trouble motivating lately. And getting out of bed. Not terrible though. Had a med increase recently, so that's probably helping keep a lid on it.