ok, serious question unlike my other threads...

My therapist asked me today how I've been doing. I said I've been doing fine but that I haven't eaten in over 48 hours. She asked why. I said, "Because I have no food left in my apartment and I'm too lazy and anxious to go grocery shopping, but mostly extremely anxious." Then she asked, "So, have you been taking your medications? I know some people get nauseous if they take them when they don't eat." I said I kind of was and kind of wasn't. At that point, I wasn't going to lie... I told her that I reduced my rexulti dose to 1mg with the intent of going off it. I probably should have lied because now she's probably ratting me out to my pdoc... again. ugh.

What the hell am I going to say to my pdoc now? I don't want an antipsychotic anymore. I don't like their long-term health implications. Plus, I've been feeling stable ever since increasing my Zoloft dose. The only reason I've got 1 hr of sleep in the past 56 hours is that Rexulti normally sedates me and now I'm not being sedated, so my body is readjusting (or at least trying to). I want to keep my other medications, but I'm afraid my pdoc won't prescribe my ritalin anymore if I don't take my antipsychotic.

My therapist told me to go eat something because she says my body is going to crash from no sleep and no food, except now I'm back at my apartment because of a work crisis. No time to get food. ugh. And I don't have cash for delivery. I'm feeling perfectly fine right now, though.

[bizi]

no blue you are not fine right now.
I am sorry but you are messing with your meds again.

All medications have potential side effects.
That doesn't mean we will get them.
You are not taking care of yourself. This is cry out for help.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[tyrados]

I find that symptom to be the most damaging and difficult to deal with: the feeling of being fine. When I feel like that after not eating/not sleeping for two days, that's when I know in my head that I'm not; but it's also when it's the most difficult for me to convince myself to act differently. The apathy towards actions that you know are good for your body is so difficult to suppress. That's when I try to take a few minutes to practice mindfulness, i.e. feeling my body, breathing deeply, smelling, tasting, touching, etc. When I do that, sometimes my appetite suddenly returns or I suddenly feel the weight of exhaustion. Sometimes it doesn't work and I have to force myself (if I can). I hope you get what you know your body needs (even though it isn't telling you right now).

[Blue_Bird]

I think maybe have an honest discussion with your doctor about your feelings regarding your meds, maybe you two can come up with some resolution or compromise about what to do.

Messing with my meds always screws me up. Especially when I mess with my APs, sleep becomes practically non existent. It's hard to see it at the time but things can escalate fast. After many times doing that I've finally learned not to mess with them, and if I want or need a change for some reason then I consult my psychiatrist first. Since taking my meds regularly I've been more stable than I've ever was.

[*Beth*]

I don't yet know you well yet blue, but it sounds like bizi does. So I'm going to go along with what bizi posted about your meds.



As for the not eating I think maybe "feel the fear and do it anyway" might be useful when it comes to grocery shopping.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Blue, I am very concerned about you.

Is it too hard for you to stop into a store, even a convenience store to grab some food? If so, what do you feel is stopping you? anxiety? If so, what is triggering the anxiety?

For me, some of the criteria as to whether I am well or unwell, depends upon whether or not I am attending to basic needs, like food, etc.

I hope you will take some time out to get feed yourself.
I am interested in how you are doing!

[Victoria'smom]

Blue what about AP Shots or do you want no AP at all?

Originally Posted by bizi

no blue you are not fine right now.
I am sorry but you are messing with your meds again.

All medications have potential side effects.
That doesn't mean we will get them.
You are not taking care of yourself. This is cry out for help.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

This is primarily what I'm concerned about:
Long-term Antipsychotic Treatment and Brain Volumes

Seems like everyone would get that side effect.

Originally Posted by tyrados

I find that symptom to be the most damaging and difficult to deal with: the feeling of being fine. When I feel like that after not eating/not sleeping for two days, that's when I know in my head that I'm not; but it's also when it's the most difficult for me to convince myself to act differently. The apathy towards actions that you know are good for your body is so difficult to suppress. That's when I try to take a few minutes to practice mindfulness, i.e. feeling my body, breathing deeply, smelling, tasting, touching, etc. When I do that, sometimes my appetite suddenly returns or I suddenly feel the weight of exhaustion. Sometimes it doesn't work and I have to force myself (if I can). I hope you get what you know your body needs (even though it isn't telling you right now).

I can try to practice mindfulness. I did just drink another hot cocoa because I have some left, so that should keep me satisfied for now. It has marshmallows in it. Not that marshmallows are filling (or even that great for you), but it's something I suppose.

I think my last meal was Wednesday at like 9am, so it's been a while now, and even then, all I ate was a grilled cheese sandwich. I finished the last of my bread and the last of my cheese.

I'm sort of hungry and sort of not. I think my body is going into starvation mode and gave up on sending hungry signals. I just feel a little dizzy/lightheaded whenever I get up, and a burning stomach.

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I think maybe have an honest discussion with your doctor about your feelings regarding your meds, maybe you two can come up with some resolution or compromise about what to do.

Messing with my meds always screws me up. Especially when I mess with my APs, sleep becomes practically non existent. It's hard to see it at the time but things can escalate fast. After many times doing that I've finally learned not to mess with them, and if I want or need a change for some reason then I consult my psychiatrist first. Since taking my meds regularly I've been more stable than I've ever was.

Every time I've talked to ANY pdoc about not wanting specific meds, they try to convince me to take them and threaten to not prescribe anything if I don't take the med that I'm complaining about. There's no middle ground. It's all or nothing. They do say, "Well, we can try another med," but I say I don't like that class of meds because of XYZ. Then they say, "You're going to take _____. I'm prescribing it to you." Yeah, like that makes me want to take it... How about having a conversation with me? And not a 5 minute one to rush me out the door.

[Blue_Bird]

Sorry your pdoc is like that, doesn't sound like a very good one, I have a one who actually talks to and takes my opinion into consideration. I don't think they can force you to take any particular med unless you're in the hospital and a danger to yourself or others, or if outpatient and under some kind of court ordered treatment

Originally Posted by BethRags

I don't yet know you well yet blue, but it sounds like bizi does. So I'm going to go along with what bizi posted about your meds.



As for the not eating I think maybe "feel the fear and do it anyway" might be useful when it comes to grocery shopping.

I almost always get panic attacks when I go grocery shopping. It's rare that I don't. I also have bad germaphobia and freak out about getting germs.

Whenever I go to my therapy office, I use their hand sanitizer because they have some. Grocery stores don't have them. I have carried my own hand sanitizer in the past, but people touch all sorts of things on the shelf and they put their germs on it, and it's just not reasonable to keep using hand sanitizer after every time I pick something off the shelf. I could use gloves, but honestly, people will stare at me for doing that, and that's an uncomfortable feeling.

I'm also scared of getting hit by a car in the parking lot, or losing my keys, or having my credit cards get declined on me when I'm at the register (and then what? then I have to go home and come back and face all the people again). I'm also stressed out by too much stimulation. It's overwhelming. Sounds, lights, people, machines, smells, endless shelves of things...

[Blue_Bird]

Can you get groceries delivered to you? It might cost a little more though, I don't know your financial situation

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi Blue, I am very concerned about you.

Is it too hard for you to stop into a store, even a convenience store to grab some food? If so, what do you feel is stopping you? anxiety? If so, what is triggering the anxiety?

For me, some of the criteria as to whether I am well or unwell, depends upon whether or not I am attending to basic needs, like food, etc.

I hope you will take some time out to get feed yourself.
I am interested in how you are doing!

No, there are no local convenience stores except a shady gas station, but there are tons of restaurants and takeout places. I don't want to spend a lot of money on food, though. They're all expensive. My therapist said, "Well, you haven't eaten in 48 hours, but imagine if you did eat during those past two days. You 'saved' roughly $10 across two days from not eating, so maybe it's not so bad to spend $10-15 on a meal. It evens out." But I still don't want to spend a ton of money on calorie-laden food that's bad for you. I also hate salads.

The other thing is, it's too crowded here. I don't like being near so many people. Lines are ridiculous and then I'm tortured waiting in line being anxious about germs, something bad happening, sound/sight/smell stimulations, etc.. I really can't tolerate a ton of stimulation. It makes me anxious and overwhelmed. I'm sensitive to everything.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Last time I "got" groceries, my mom actually went shopping by herself and brought them to me because I wouldn't go out to get them. However, my parents are away on a kayaking trip far up in Maine this weekend, so that's a no. I also don't want to rely on them for basic needs b/c I'm in my 20s and should be independent by now.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Blue what about AP Shots or do you want no AP at all?

I don't want an AP at all. I don't want those types of medications in my system.

[MickeyCheeky]

Please try to buy something, bluebycicle... I know it's hard but please try. It's your own health we're talking about! I'm so sorry your Pdow won't listen to you. Is it possible for you to find another one? Please take good care of yourself, my dear, sweet friend You deserve to Live Well, but first, take care of your basic necessities. Try to eat and sleep at the very least. Listen to your Therapist. I'm worried about you. Please do what you need to do. Can you call someone, ANYONE at all who may come with you or bring you something to eat? Please stay safe, my friend. Your Life is worth it and you know that. THAT'S A PROMISE! THAT'S TRUE AND YOU PERFECTLY KNOW THAT FULLY WELL! Take care! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, bluebycicle, and ALL of your Loved Ones!

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Sorry your pdoc is like that, doesn't sound like a very good one, I have a one who actually talks to and takes my opinion into consideration. I don't think they can force you to take any particular med unless you're in the hospital and a danger to yourself or others, or if outpatient and under some kind of court ordered treatment

Well, they do effectively force me to take a particular med by refusing to prescribe other things if I don't take it.

Last time I talked to my pdoc about the brain shrinkage from APs, he said, "don't worry about an early death. People with bipolar generally die younger than the average person.. You'll likely die before that ever happens." Gee, thanks. Like that's a convincing argument...

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Can you get groceries delivered to you? It might cost a little more though, I don't know your financial situation

I can get groceries. Target delivers. However, the minimum purchase is $100 there. I don't want to spend $100 on groceries PLUS a delivery fee PLUS a tip to the driver. I've also had bad experience with them in the past when I lived in downtown Boston. (4 very negative experiences in a row.) It sucks. They delivered food that was either already spoiled or would go rotten in 1-2 days because they were purposely picking food off the shelf that they were desperate to get rid of.

We don't have instacart where I live now, so that isn't an option.

I guess I could do Amazon Pantry, though. Maybe I'll order some food there. I have Amazon Prime, so a lot of it is next-day shipping.

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Please try to buy something, bluebycicle... I know it's hard but please try. It's your own health we're talking about! I'm so sorry your Pdow won't listen to you. Is it possible for you to find another one? Please take good care of yourself, my dear, sweet friend You deserve to Live Well, but first, take care of your basic necessities. Try to eat and sleep at the very least. Listen to your Therapist. I'm worried about you. Please do what you need to do. Can you call someone, ANYONE at all who may come with you or bring you something to eat? Please stay safe, my friend. Your Life is worth it and you know that. THAT'S A PROMISE! THAT'S TRUE AND YOU PERFECTLY KNOW THAT FULLY WELL! Take care! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, bluebycicle, and ALL of your Loved Ones!

Well, considering I had to wait 8 weeks to get my current pdoc, no, there isn't a realistic possibility of me finding a new one. I don't think he's bad, because he is pretty knowledgeable, but he rushes me out the door whenever I have a problem, or he makes me talk to his useless assistant (a total bimbo who keeps getting my name wrong and relaying the wrong information to him).

[sarahsweets]

I do not know you and have only been a member here since december so i do not mean any disrespect..

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

My therapist asked me today how I've been doing. I said I've been doing fine but that I haven't eaten in over 48 hours. She asked why. I said, "Because I have no food left in my apartment and I'm too lazy and anxious to go grocery shopping, but mostly extremely anxious." Then she asked, "So, have you been taking your medications? I know some people get nauseous if they take them when they don't eat." I said I kind of was and kind of wasn't. At that point, I wasn't going to lie... I told her that I reduced my rexulti dose to 1mg with the intent of going off it. I probably should have lied because now she's probably ratting me out to my pdoc... again. ugh.

I do not think there is a single bipolar person who has not taken it upon themselves to alter or stop their medication. We start to feel better or are doing fine and we get it into our head how we want to be off medication and the cycle begins. I was not med compliant for a few years. I resisted a certain dose of a medication for a variety of reasons, and one of them was weight gain. I suffered horrible fugues and put my family through hell until i got sober and listened to my doctor. Do you take anxiety medication? Can you afford anything from the grocery store? Is there a social services or food bank that could help. Not eating for 48 hours is neglectful and could be construed as "self harm". It would certainly give me pause if I was treating you.

What the hell am I going to say to my pdoc now? I don't want an antipsychotic anymore. I don't like their long-term health implications.

What are the long term implications you have with antipy's? Do they outweigh the positives?

Plus, I've been feeling stable ever since increasing my Zoloft dose. The only reason I've got 1 hr of sleep in the past 56 hours is that Rexulti normally sedates me and now I'm not being sedated, so my body is readjusting (or at least trying to).

Did the increase of zoloft start out in conjunction with the rexulti and then you removed the rexulti?

I want to keep my other medications, but I'm afraid my pdoc won't prescribe my ritalin anymore if I don't take my antipsychotic.

I dont blame your doc if they stop prescribing a controlled substance like ritalin. You are showing that you cant take medication as directed. It would be a liability issue for your doc. Who's to say you wouldnt decide you needed a higher dose of the ritalin and take it upon yourself to up your dose? That would be med misuse not to mention you would run out of medication.

My therapist told me to go eat something because she says my body is going to crash from no sleep and no food, except now I'm back at my apartment because of a work crisis. No time to get food. ugh. And I don't have cash for delivery. I'm feeling perfectly fine right now, though.

That's all the advice you got? Go eat some food?
Geesh...

[fern46]

Hey blue, what about grocery pickup? A lot of stores allow you to buy online and you just park and the groceries are loaded into your car for you. Kroger has same day service. Was Mart does as well I think. There's no minimum order that I know of. Kroger even lets you use their online coupons which are great if you're on a budget. I think the fee is like $5, but they waive it for first time customers.

Please eat. Going without food this long makes it hard to concentrate. I know you take pride in your work and you aren't your best at the moment.

[Blue_Bird]

I was also gonna mention grocery pickup too, I just discovered that pickup exists at many stores it's very convenient

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I do not know you and have only been a member here since december so i do not mean any disrespect..

I do not think there is a single bipolar person who has not taken it upon themselves to alter or stop their medication. We start to feel better or are doing fine and we get it into our head how we want to be off medication and the cycle begins. I was not med compliant for a few years. I resisted a certain dose of a medication for a variety of reasons, and one of them was weight gain. I suffered horrible fugues and put my family through hell until i got sober and listened to my doctor. Do you take anxiety medication? Can you afford anything from the grocery store? Is there a social services or food bank that could help. Not eating for 48 hours is neglectful and could be construed as "self harm". It would certainly give me pause if I was treating you.

What are the long term implications you have with antipy's? Do they outweigh the positives?

Did the increase of zoloft start out in conjunction with the rexulti and then you removed the rexulti?

I dont blame your doc if they stop prescribing a controlled substance like ritalin. You are showing that you cant take medication as directed. It would be a liability issue for your doc. Who's to say you wouldnt decide you needed a higher dose of the ritalin and take it upon yourself to up your dose? That would be med misuse not to mention you would run out of medication.

That's all the advice you got? Go eat some food?
Geesh...

I take Zoloft for anxiety/depression. I had a klonopin prescription in the past, but I lost it a long time ago (back in March) and my pdoc never prescribed me any more, with the intention of making Zoloft my main anxiety med.

I can afford stuff from the grocery store, yes. I just don't want to go because I'm anxious about going. It also mentally wears me out because of all the stimulation of the lights, people, machines, sounds, smells, etc.. I am and always have been highly sensitive to things. It's too much for me. I have sensory issues.

As for the antipsychotics... It's mostly the known (and unavoidable) brain shrinkage that I don't like about it. I also feel more stable on the Zoloft than anything else. Zoloft is the magic med, not antipsychotics.

And yeah, my therapist told me to go eat food. That's it. She said I could see her again next week if I wanted to, but she wasn't super helpful today, so I kinda don't wanna bother. Plus, it's the weekend now and she's already left since she leaves early on Fridays. Calling on Monday to setup an appointment for a time later in the week doesn't really help when the problem is NOW. And I can't talk to her after hours.

Originally Posted by fern46

Hey blue, what about grocery pickup? A lot of stores allow you to buy online and you just park and the groceries are loaded into your car for you. Kroger has same day service. Was Mart does as well I think. There's no minimum order that I know of. Kroger even lets you use their online coupons which are great if you're on a budget. I think the fee is like $5, but they waive it for first time customers.

Please eat. Going without food this long makes it hard to concentrate. I know you take pride in your work and you aren't your best at the moment.

Thanks for letting me know about Wal-Mart. Looks like one of the local ones does grocery pickup. Didn't know that they did pickup. Today I learned.

I can't get any food until tomorrow, though. All booked up. (That, or it's too late in the day to make an order.) Not sure what I'm going to do tonight.

[Nammu]

I see red flags everywhere in your thinking and actions. You are headed for a rabit hole if you keep. quiting meds. I've read many of your past posts and this one is similar to those that preceded the rabit hole. You need to find acceptance for the need for meds. You sound like you are in denial, the negotiations stage where you say this med not that med meanwhile your thinking and rationalizations for not eating and why it's fine make no sense and will make you sicker.