Bipolar check in #37

My book arrived today! It doesn't say its been delivered, online. Weird. It says its coming on Tuesday.

Watching a DVD - Jim Gaffigan's sitcom.

I washed my clothes and sheets and robe today. Nothing like fresh sheets. Well fresh sheets after a shower.

Tomorrow we are going to Secretary of State in the morning. N3 needs a new ID. His old one expires. Then I might take him out to eat for his birthday. We will go to my mom's to get my new book and a pumpkin pie that she is going to make for him. His girlfriend gave him a multi-colored lava lamp. The glass is multicolored and the wax is white.

I keep thinking about how horrible winter is going to be if its even remotely like last year. At least I have my space heater.

I didnt get up until 11 BUT I didn't nap or go back to sleep!

I'm kicking myself for passing this **** to my son. He's been lashing out. There's nothing we can do to help him. I'm feeling well enough to possibly stay home alone one day this week. I'm still having issues but I feel my safety isn't in question.

Feeling depressed, anxious, loss of interest, trouble focusing, more of a need for sleep, "stuck," sex drive has been non-existent for weeks (TMI, but that's a big change from when hypo/manic), just want to stay in bed. It's a struggle to do anything else. Need higher doses of sedating meds to numb what I am feeling inside.

Ok , me of course understands the “ want” to be on as little meds as possible. But.......

Since Lithium was a huge part of you finding stability and you were enjoying life again.... why would you want to get off it so bad right now ?

I mean yes the goal for Pdocs is to find a good combo of meds that can balance a person off and then they can build up huge toolboxes of coping skills and actually being able to apply them when needed the most.

Maybe just stay on a good therapeutic dose while you get lifestyle changes in place that will give you the best chance at managing and enjoying life long term going sans meds ?

Just something to consider.

I’m sorry your struggling , but I think your T might have really found the problem. Which is good because you now have a target to work towards!!!!

I think this will really benefit you

Welcome back

16 hours ???? Oh gah!!!!!!! I think I’d make a budget to replace that going.

Cleaning ... just start in the corner of the room and work backwards... do a 15 minute timer, helps a lot.

Yay! For fall!!! I bet it was very enjoyable to be outside

“ There’s nothing we can do to help him”

That’s bullshyt ! He has both parents and you can both show him love, support and understanding. That’s NOT nothing.

I’m sorry your struggling. When do you see your Pdoc next ????

Sometimes it’s okay to just curl up in a ball and float for a few days. Go easy on yourself

I know you have a lot going on. Yet, it's huge that you feel well enough to feel safe! Congrats!

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We are showing him love, support and understand but that doesn't feel like enough.

Thanks Christina. The main reasons I want to come off of Lithium is that even on low doses, like now, I get bad tremors. It can be very embarrassing when others see me shake so much. This also impacts my muscle strength. Along with that my thyroid has already been affected and with long term use other organs may also be harmed. Oh, I also lose some of my vitality and personality while on it.

Going back on a full dose of Lithium is an option but I want it to be close to my last one. I have a huge toolbox of skills and am confident I can manage this, unless it gets much worse. Still, this is a risky process. Both my T and pdoc know that and are carefully monitoring me. If this is the new normal off Lithium then I'd go back on it. I am hoping that the dose change has destabilised my brain chemistry and it should return to homeostasis soon.

Sometimes ^^^^ that is all a person needs to keep going.

Dinner at the pub didn't go well last night. While eating I felt panic set in, along with severe agitation, and disorientation. I couldn't finish my meal and had to suddenly race out to the carpark to sit in my car, breathe, and calm myself down. I phoned my partner and he came to the car and we left. I feel embarrassed that I just disappeared like that, but the alternative was to have a panic attack in front of them. After that I was a mess but I managed to calm myself down and get to sleep by 2 am.

Today I am taking it easy. I feel better than last night. I am just not quite with it.

I understand. I’m glad your Pdoc and T are closely watching.

I also had a tremor that finally went away about 3 months after quitting. I was deeply worried I’d have it forever

I’m glad you have coping skills, we can never have enough that’s for sure.

I’m sorry that happened. I hope today is a better day for you

Gradually getting worse it seems, and I grow more irritated and angry as each day goes on. Maybe I need to get out more. I don't know if that is the source of my growing irritation, maybe it is my dissatisfaction with my own life which may seem so easy to change. I am manipulated by those around me which leaves me in a deep rabbit hole of built-up anger. I don't have anyone outside of the net I can talk to. My friends are away now and I am alone. Oh yes, perhaps I am not, if I opened my eyes and appreciated the air around me I would be happy. If it was that easy I would be much happier, wouldn't I? Resorting to satire perhaps is not the best coping skill and I should work on that. Hope you all on this thread are getting through things okay.

Yeah, I think I'm going to get a new one. It still works beautifully, but I hate the slow charge. I even checked the battery health with an app and the app said the battery can be filled up to 98.7% of its original capacity, so it's not like the battery itself has a problem...? I also fear the iPad will be obsoleted soon. 😫

I've been working in increments of 10-15 mins and it does help me. Good suggestion, as always.

I just want this to stop. I’m miserable. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to hurt myself desperately. It’s too much. I can’t do this. I’m trying so hard. I just want to cry. When will this end?

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 My therapist told me I have to change my neuro pathways. She said I am hardwired to believe that I can’t teach and that unless I rewire everything I will continue to suffer. She didn’t say any of this in a mean way, just as a means to help me. I’m going to try the things she suggested and see if it makes any difference. I’m so ****ed up right now. I’m getting suicidal. Thought about Possible trigger: running my car off the road at a high speed but I obviously didn’t. Because I don’t actually want to die. I just want this to stop. I can’t go IP again. I might be able to do a program but I don’t want to have to. I’m trying so hard but I don’t think I can make it. My therapist said just try her suggestions until next Friday and then see where we stand. I think I can do that. I’m not sure though. I’m going to try. I just want to cry.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know it is very overwhelming, because I have had those same thoughts. Take things slow and remember to breathe. You can get through this. If you need someone to listen, let me know.

I say similiar satire things often. I get angry when people tell me all the "great" things I have in my life. I typically shut down and don't talk because I can't stand hearing "advice" from someone who has literally no clue what any of this stuff is like to live with. Just gotta "get over it". They make it sound so easy, why am I even on medication and had to leave work from a mental breakdown? If only I listened to their advice earlier (sarscasm)

This is why I don't talk to people in my family about how I feel.

Just a couple theories. Ive never been diagnosed with PTSD but I woudnt be surprised ifone day I were.

I left work about 2 hours early. Tried to come home to sleep but I keep having to get up to pee. I really need to go to the dr about this possible diabetes.

I’m sick at the thought of going into work tomorrow. I might take a personal day. I don’t know what else to do. RS thinks I need to talk to my school and tell them how I’m feeling. What good would that do? They can’t help me. Im terrified to quit though. I don’t have another job. It could take months to find another job. I have rent to pay. Im thinking it might be best to go on disability. But that could take months or years too. And I hate not working. All I do is sleep all day.

I just can’t keep on like I am. I’m going to hurt myself if I do. And it’s been nearly two years without self harm. I don’t want to start again. I’m so sick. And it came on so fast.

I don’t know. I need to find another job, I think. Just suck it up and deal with less pay.

Edit: I called my old job and they may have a spot for me. If they do I’m going to take it. At least I was happy there. So I’ll make less money, but I won’t be suffering so much. Maybe that’s best.

Does your company offer a short term disability? I had to do that after I self harmed and had to go to IOP. I ended up moving to long term and never went back though. My job environment was too toxic and my boss treated me poorly, said a lot of bad things that HR did nothing about.