Bipolar check in #37

They do but I’m not sure I’m eligible as I’ve only been working there a month.

Ah okay, then yea I doubt you'd be eligible. It's tough trying to get better when you need to work to pay bills too. I don't know, I went to months of therapy and it helped for a bit but I am right back to being miserable. I don't even knpw what helps anymore

I’m sorry your still struggling. But I do think if you can just to find any little bit of positives no matter how small it can help even a little bit. Hey! We have to take every good bit we find !

This is something that I kinda lost, I am determined to be more aware of how I view myself, life and reactions.

I hope you feel better soon

That’s so weird , battery is still that good but yet it charges like a dinosaur???? Very odd.

I’m glad that cleaning trick is helping you

I am so sorry about your childhood , I can’t imagine growing up in a home where there is an alcoholic. What happened to you at age 10 Absolutely can cause PTSD. Definitely talk to your T about that. I’m so sorry that happened

Fall for me is also when I’m much more likely to wind up IP, then Spring too, those are very common times of the year for people with Bipolar to have horrible episodes. I do hope you are able to skip a IP stay this year

At my mom's with n3 and his gf waiting for dinner to be done. We were going to order pizza but we are having 🐔 instead. Today's been a long day. But! I stayed awake all day AND I got up at a reasonable hour AND Secretary of State didn't take very long AND n3 and I had a nice walk. I think I will sleep well tonight.

Wild ...... please stop and breath just take a deep breath.

You just saw your T and she pointed out that you are likely just follow a pattern that is embedded, you can recover from that, yes it’s going to take work and it’s going to be hard, very hard at times, but your very strong, even when you don’t think so.

You also complained a lot about that other job, you struggled there just as much ( just by what you were posting here) you called off sick a lot and was very worried you would be fired over it many times.

I’m going to be a bit blunt....I’m not blowing off how your feeling but just want to give you a few things to consider/ keep in mind.

You can indeed be a teacher, your just needing to change the way you feel about yourself, change your reactions, that IS an attainable goal.

Your in a different living situation than in the past, you live on your own now with RS, you said that money will be tight from day one when you and RS decided to get your own place, if you blow off this job and take a lower paying position .. think very deep about that, being strapped to the max and struggling to pay bills and keep food on the table is going to cause another huge stress.. That kind of stress in the past has put you IP before, numerous times. It could also possibly put a strain in your relationship with RS.

I fear your going to jump before you really look and think and land in something that is going to be causing you even more struggles.

Disability ?? Yeah it’s possible, but it can take ... yes ... months to years, how can you pay your bills with little to no income while you wait? Can RS cover all your living expenses? Keep in mind until you get approved you won’t have insurance, I know your waiting now until November, but it could be a long time without, how will you be able to continue to see your Pdoc and T and get your medications?

I know right now you feel frantic and I hate that for you.

Remember you JUST promised your T you would go to work every single day, maybe focus on that promise.. it will keep you being accountable for advice and homework your T gave you..

Do a pro/con list.
Sit down and find out exactly what your monthly bills truly are, then add on meals out or on the go, gas, winter is coming so include also roughly how much more your going to pay for heating. Are you still smoking ? That’s a big expense to factor into it all.

It’s possible once you see everything on paper it will help you decide if you really can take a lower paying job.

I have faith in you that you most certainly can be a teacher in the position you have now

Don’t shoot your own foot off by not really looking at the big picture. Look before you leap

I’m glad today was a “ Win” for you!!!! Great job

I saw my NP today. He was pleased to hear my taper is going well. He said to keep doing what I'm doing and to come back in 5 weeks. Nothing else major to report. I'm almost done with the first week of taking my meds every third day. I'm going to give that at least one more week before dropping the Geodon completely.

Fern!! Yay what great news ! I’m glad this taper is going so well for you

I saw my rheumatologist today for our 6 week check up. He’s such a wonderful Doctor.

First thing , my injured wrist thumb tendon is still a problem 4 weeks now! I need to buy a split to wear at night to keep my hand from closing, day time my current wrist brace is fine.

My one liver enzyme is still elevated, I can’t remember which one, but anyhow did labs as always today and if it still elevated he will refer me to a gastroenterologist for evaluation.

This elevation started in May and he said it’s “possible “ that this could be what has me feeling so ill all the time, not that I want a liver problem but it would be okay if i was able to find a cause for how I have been feeling and find out how to improve how I feel.

I was diagnosed with a fatty liver about 1.5 years ago. Found by ultrasound.

I have realized I have become very neglectful about how I think about my life , my attitude, my reactions. I stopped being mindful and focusing on the positives in my life instead of pushing the negatives out of my way.

So I have decided that even tho I deal with not only Bipolar but Fibromyalgia and all the crap that comes with that mess and of course my Psoriatic arthritis. I’m not going to complain about it anymore.. I’m giving it a lot more space in my head than it deserves. This will help me refocus on mindfulness.

The additional inhaler I am now on ( Breo) is improving my Asthma finally. Very happy and relieved.

I feel good having goals now.

Hope everyone is having a good evening

I just wanted to say I am really sorry you are feeling this way. I might be able to relate a little. Not to compare to what you're dealing with, but I also got it into my head I was totally screwing up everything at work and a failure and panicked I was unable to do it and started getting mentally unwell over it. Some of it may have been my mental state making things worse and some of it was maybe the pathways in my brain. I can be a total perfectionist and really hard on myself.

Something that helped me was getting some outside feedback on how I was doing and realizing my view of my work was skewed negative. So, talking to someone at work might not be the worst thing, you might learn you're not alone and they might be able to give you some helpful feedback. It has also helped me to accept that I will mess up as is part of learning, and to figure out how to use it to learn and grow instead of beat myself up. Maybe you can write down something you learned and can apply in the future and something you did well each day and can track your progress? I hope your therapist is able to help you with this difficult situation. I am sure it's not easy.

You have a really amazing attitude. It should serve you well. You cannot control the challenges in your life but you can define how much control they have over your happiness.

Thank you Christina. I just feel that after four teaching jobs, and having this happen in every single one, this proves that it’s just too stressful for me. I am indeed frantic, as you’ve said. I don’t deal with depression and self harm urges very well. As for the other job, the one I had last year, I only had two short lived episodes of depression while I was there. I used all my sick time but that was partly because I had to have back surgery. That took up half my sick time right there.

My T is right, I’m just not sure I’m cut out for how hard the work is going to be. I’d rather feel like I can breathe and wake up every day. I’m not sure. If I take the lower paying job, I can still pay rent and buy groceries. I just won’t have any money for extras. RS makes enough to afford to take us out to eat once in awhile but I hate not being able to contribute so I don’t like to do that.

Thank you for your perspective. I will certainly keep it in mind. I don’t want to go on disability just yet, I think i can hold down a job, just maybe not this job.

I will try to calm down and look at the big picture.

Thanks for both of these. *BIG HUGS*

This weather reminds me so much this year of being 10-13 AND of going IP. I don't have a T but we could arrange to get me one- I'll have to ask my case manager. I feel like I dont even remember 99% of my childhood re: alcoholic dad. It scares me that there may be bad things Im not letting come to the forefront. I tried seeing someone specifically for ACOA (AdultChild Of an Alcoholic). in 1999 but that fizzled out. My brain still wants to think that I had a great childhood. Some of it was but there is stuff lurking and hiding that Im afraid of.

Yes! This! Thank you. All of it.

(((((((( Wild )))))))) take good care of your self

About 4 years ago some thing happened in Therapy that triggered stuff I had been repressing for decades. It wasn’t easy, but it gave me a better understanding of my life and how I manage my life.

The unknown is indeed scary tho

My GI appointment is in the morning. I'm at a hotel in the city because construction has made it take much longer than usual to get here and I don't want to be late. I was 15 minutes late for therapy solely because of the traffic and I had left early. This way I'm sure I don't have an appointment cancelled for being late.

I'm really nervous. I just want to find out it is simple and over soon. Like tomorrow. And I know that's not so likely but maybe he'll have an idea at least.

I always forget how loud the city is compared to my rural road. It doesn't really bother me because I lived in cities for a long time but I just notice it and wonder how I used to not even hear it.

Love and Prayers

I literally was just going to check with you about your GI appt ...

Staying in a hotel was a wonderful idea, so much less stress.

I hope this Doctor will be able to pin point the problem quickly and you can get back to life feeling good again ... you have been sick far too long.

I am also very sensitive to various stimuli in the city. I have gotten to where I just cannot sleep there, cannot relax there, etc.I think I have to get out of the city. soon! My skin crawls with the many powerlines, etc.

The environment feels far too chaotic to me..

I hope your appointment goes well, is very productive and marks your route to healing.:

Have a safe trip home!
:

I'll be leaving fairly early tomorrow morning for ECT so wanted to wish everyone a happy Friday while I've got time.

I hope ECT goes well.

There you are!

I hope your trip and your treatment go well!

Have a great weekend!