Bipolar Check-in #40

Absolutely none of your feelings are wrong.


In truth, your feelings are very sane.

You are in an extremely challenging situation.

It's incredibly painful and incredibly stressful.



We share a lot between us because we both understand what it's like to live with severe and often unrelenting, pain. We are always seeking relief and we are often betrayed by almost anything we try which was supposed to assist us.


Diagnoses/conditions only increase, no matter what we do We are trying to live with some chronically progressive conditions. The rest of the conditions may not be progressive, yet are sources of additional chronic pain.


It certainly seems like nothing gets better. The challenges continue to multiply. Your resources have not multiplied. You need more medical tests/help.


You are "punished" every time you follow through with you doctors' recommendations. You fall into the category of the "underinsured," and you live in a state which has forsaken it's citizens in this regard. Therefore, medical providers then want your home. Your home is all you have been able to hold onto to date,


I usually have some helpful resources. In your case, you've known the potential options and you have fully explored them. In your state, your legislature/governor/politicians have sold you out, along with so many others, especially disabled adults, suffering chronic illness.


It surely looks like a catch-22 to me.


On top of it all, you are not treated with compassion. We'd never think it humane to allow any animal to suffer the way you suffer. You need some reprieve with proper pain management measures. Unfortunately, our goverments, both state and federal, have bought into some idea that all pain med prescribing is based upon concern for "drug abusers." This fear of people wrongly using the pain meds we need trumps our desperate need for some relief. How do the behaviors of others block us from compassionate care?


I totally understand your need for relief from ALL of this. It certainly appears as though there is no break, no way out. You are damned if you do and if you don't.


Sweetheart, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your feelings.

How could a sane person feel differently ? Anyone living the reality of what you are living would be screaming for help and would very likely feel betrayed and deeply disheartened, especially when repeatedly trying so hard and things are made worse for having tried.


I have touched upon some of what you have to live with. There is much more that I would not touch upon here and much more I don't even know.


I think I probably come close to understanding?

I also have faith that our friends here will also understand.


Please do let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do beyond offering understanding, listening, offering support, holding your hand, sitting with you. I want to be here with/for you.


You are an incredibly strong, courageous, loving, life-affirming person. You so freely give so very much Love here to everyone. You are truly beautiful, inside and out. You have my appreciation, my admiration and my Love.


I am here for you.

Hey everyone, I want to apologize for my frantic hopeless post.

Usually when I dump my head out with my T it helps, yesterday everything just kept falling out and I really felt it was falling on me..like I was being smothered.

Richard has texted me twice today. He is not a “ texting” guy but he only works M-W.. I assured him although I’m a bit disappointed that I haven’t died in some strange way since I saw him.. asteroid, Black Plague , trip over a kangaroo and snap my head off.

It’s impossible for me to find anyone willing to help me with any kind of pain meds, I went to a pain clinic 5 or so years ago... they would not prescribe anything. I asked for just 3 pills ??? Incase I just cant stand it and I just need something to force me to sleep??! nope

Once while IP they had me take Thorazine as nothing else was giving me any sleep, it worked !! I thought finally I have a prn that will be last resort. I took it a couple months later at home , I got 3 hours of sleep , few months later nothing. Took one a few months ago again it did nothing but blur my vision for a couple days.

I said I have gone IP at least 5 times because my pain causes me to feel suicidal and thats ridiculous!!!! I mean it would certainly be cheaper to buy 3 pain pills a month if I really need one instead of going IP and thats 1,500 + a day plus psych Med cost.

See how ridiculous this is???

A few years ago my GP was trying to set up a plan, we have a small rural hospital, so basically if I came in feeling suicidal from the PAIN that they could administer me IV pain med. The hospital said legally they could not do this. If I come in feeling suicidal by law I will need to go IP

My GP is not able to give me any because I don’t have a “ approved “ physical problem.. Fibromyalgia is not on that list because my state are sadistic asssholes.

My Rheumatologist can only offer very short term pain meds (3days) if I have visible swollen joints that require steroid shot.

I am not a drinker, like I had half a glass of wine with my daughter last Christmas while we made chili.

I fixed a drink last week .. coconut rum and cream soda one sip and I said Nope ! Handed it to my husband ... he said what do you want me to do with it?? I said drink it. He is also not a drinker, he poured it down the drain. The bottle of rum we have is at least 7 year old and still basically full.

I am not going to try and find street drugs , one I would have no idea where to get any, two I would be to terrified to even try something , no no no.

So I just feel defeated and hopeless and again another sleepless night.

Thank you all for being so kind with words of support it does help.

I was going to just give up on preparing any kind of dinner, but I pushed myself. I'm glad. I even ground the coffee for tomorrow's breakfast. The sound of the coffee grinder is sometimes like nails scratching a chalkboard, in the morning. I can tolerate the grinder better during the day or evening.

My stress is affecting me cognitively, at times. I felt like I could barely think straight, this morning. I am just so extremely spent. I am and am not looking forward to our trip to Florida. On Monday, we have to get up before 3 am to get to the airport on time. I dread having to pack for the trip. I found a "menu plan" from the same trip two years ago, and will use that and its shopping list. One good thing is that I have a lot of nice shorts to wear, and they all fit well. The weather forecast is very good for Fort Meyers Beach. It should reach the low 80s F most of the days.

My sweet pdoc told me to call him, if I need to, while I'm on vacation. I don't intend to, but it feels so good to have someone like him in my life. Hubby is my my main support, but hubby needs support from me just as much as I do from him. I often think about the time in the future when I won't have this pdoc. I can't imagine any other pdoc in the whole world being as wonderful. I know this sounds like transference central. It is, but who cares.

Well, happy to be able to read some today on this board, which has become very important to me, along with all its fantastic, amazing, persevering, strong people. You all inspire me!

Not yet in a cognitive position to offer anything of use to anyone else, with apologies. Baby steps.

Slept 6 hours last night without waking up once. Basically, a miracle for me. No voices or viz hallucinations, don't seem to be paranoid. No microphones or IR cameras in the walls or ceiling. No team from the CIA in the hall. So on. I don't know what to make of it because it was so real to me. I don't understand my brain.

Got out on the bike early. Very cold. Spectacular sunrise behind the mountain. Just stunning. All in all, a pretty good day. Only downside is that I just found 4 maybe 3-5 mm-sized pieces of metal in the pizza I brought home last night from one of Portland's premier pizza joints. Fortunately, did not injure a tooth. This is very ironic, because two years ago, I bit down on an 8 millimeter piece of steel bolt in my Ben & Jerry's, destroying a molar. They owned it, but it was a big, expensive hassle. So, glad I don't have to go through that again.

That's about it from here. Sending support and love to everyone struggling and even to those who are not. So grateful for you guys.

@Scooter9 I get brain zaps everyday. The only thing that helps is putting an ice pak on my forehead.

Hmm I didn't think of that, I'll give it a try. Thanks!

Hi Scooter! I am sorry you continue to experience brain zaps.

I have heardof them, often, by people taking and/or tapering psych meds. I don't know as anyone has ever known much more about these zaps.


Offthe top of my head, I wonder if anti-epileptic meds might calm the brain; however, these meds bring problems of their own.


As I am writing, it comes to me that magnesium might be helpful, as it tends to calm the CNS. Magnesium is now considered as a very important part of a prophylactic approach to migraine for chronic migraineurs.


Just a thought.

My best!

My pharmacy didn’t have lithium in stock and had to order it so I still haven’t started it yet. They didn’t bother to call and let me know. This poses a problem since I needed to take a blood panel 5-7 days after starting and that runs it into Thanksgiving and the holiday weekend. I’ll call my doctor’s office for the doctor on call and see if they want me to hold off on taking it.

I’ve determined that I will make it through Thanksgiving and visiting M and if I’m not feeling better then I’ll go IP. Having said that, I feel a bit better this morning although morning is my good time of day.

I don’t have much emotional support in my life at all. I have other forms of support for which I’m very grateful but emotional support is lacking. Just a general lack of thoughtfulness, caring and compassion. I’ve decided to accept it for what it is and to build my own tribe of people who care for me. The first emotional support I’m putting in is my therapist who was happy to hear from me.

I’m also going to do a better job with other methods for managing this like nutrition, exercise, supplements, meditation and some forms of energy healing. That’s all I can think of.

I appreciate PC and the folks on this forum. It really helps just to get it out. Thank you.

Warm regards.