Bipolar Check-in #40

Scooter9 · Nov 23, 2019, 06:14 PM

It's my mother's 75th birthday and we're having a big party for her. We've invited her friends too.

I'm seeing my pdoc in av few days and all I can think about is how to answer her when she asks how I'm feeling... If I'm satisfied with how I feel now.

I'm not sleeping well so that's a problem. But I'm also not hypomanic. And I feel ok and not ok at the same time. But I feel better in several ways even though not better in other ways.

So am I satisfied? Partially, as is always the case. But can I live with things the way they are? Is it possible to do better than this? Tough questions.

I slept for 4 hours last night. I got up and worked on the book and a new article.

Sunflower123 · Nov 23, 2019, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well it’s just miserable here, rain, damp and windy! My lungs are just burning more so. I’m really sick of the pain.

I made it out to pick up a few prescriptions that were ready. Back home and in my jammies.

So .. same ole shyt

Distraction Distraction Distraction

Thinking of you. Sending hugs, prayers and healing vibes. I hope you feel better soon.

Wild Coyote · Nov 23, 2019, 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9

It's my mother's 75th birthday and we're having a big party for her. We've invited her friends too.

I'm seeing my pdoc in av few days and all I can think about is how to answer her when she asks how I'm feeling... If I'm satisfied with how I feel now.

I'm not sleeping well so that's a problem. But I'm also not hypomanic. And I feel ok and not ok at the same time. But I feel better in several ways even though not better in other ways.

So am I satisfied? Partially, as is always the case. But can I live with things the way they are? Is it possible to do better than this? Tough questions.

I slept for 4 hours last night. I got up and worked on the book and a new article.

The party sounds like fun!

I feel very simialrly when it's time to meet with my pdoc.
so i find myself wondering, even asking her when she asks: : Am I happy now?

Well, what can I have? If this is all i can have, I'll try to adjust. if i can have more, bring it on!!!

i wish you could sleep more. I need to get off of Seroquel., which I have been taking at night. I am going back to again try those herbal sleep patches.

i hope you, your mom and friends and family have a great time!

fern46 · Nov 23, 2019, 06:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Well. was able to get outside in the 34ish degree stuff early and work out. A bit dicey in spots, as there was not ice, but a lot of slippery frost. Oh well, that time of year.

Have to remember I am still generally on an upward trajectory. Had a problem at bedtime last night where, suddenly, while on my side, I realized there was a man with a huge knife outside my room, preparing to kill me. Hyperventilating, terror, out of control. Got on my back, so I could defend myself. Finally, fell back to what I always am left with in these situations--prayer and breathing. That's all I could do.

So, I did it. And somehow, I got myself under control and actually fell asleep. What I just do not understand is how I can go from being totally fine one minute, to being completely out of control and out of my mind, the next. What do we even call that? I dunno.

No psychosis so far today. Got a nice gift card from the owner of my favorite pizza place, which was cheery. I found some pieces of metal in a slice a couple of days ago. I think they were shocked I didn't want to sue them, this being America. But then I briefly mentioned what I used to do for a living and it sort of became clear...

Not yet in a position to be providing feedback to anyone, sorry. Just trying to steadily improve, if possible. I want to again thank everyone who has been so kind and generous and helpful while I have been dealing with all this mess. Fern, WC, Blue--everyone. So incredibly grateful for you all.

That's awesome you made it outside. I imagine the fresh air and activity served you well. It's great to see that you're back to doing the things you love!

Psychosis is such a tricky monster. It seems to serve up the same old tired lie over and over except it is smart and changes its mask every time. You were smart to just breathe and pray. You are so much more than your mind. Your strength comes from so many other places.

You are on a forward trajectory. You're even picking up momentum. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Your honesty serves the group, so stop feeling like you aren't helping, ok? It helps for people to see you struggle and try different things to overcome it. It helps people to see your strength of spirit.

That's cool the pizza owner offered to help make it right after your experience. I sucked up a dead roach out of my water cup at my favorite Mexican restaurant a few months ago. I didn't sue either. I didn't write a bad review because they made an effort to make it right, but I still get uncomfortable at restaurants. I've been smuggling in my own water ever since

Wild Coyote · Nov 23, 2019, 06:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Well. was able to get outside in the 34ish degree stuff early and work out. A bit dicey in spots, as there was not ice, but a lot of slippery frost. Oh well, that time of year.

Have to remember I am still generally on an upward trajectory. Had a problem at bedtime last night where, suddenly, while on my side, I realized there was a man with a huge knife outside my room, preparing to kill me. Hyperventilating, terror, out of control. Got on my back, so I could defend myself. Finally, fell back to what I always am left with in these situations--prayer and breathing. That's all I could do.

So, I did it. And somehow, I got myself under control and actually fell asleep. What I just do not understand is how I can go from being totally fine one minute, to being completely out of control and out of my mind, the next. What do we even call that? I dunno.

No psychosis so far today. Got a nice gift card from the owner of my favorite pizza place, which was cheery. I found some pieces of metal in a slice a couple of days ago. I think they were shocked I didn't want to sue them, this being America. But then I briefly mentioned what I used to do for a living and it sort of became clear...

Not yet in a position to be providing feedback to anyone, sorry. Just trying to steadily improve, if possible. I want to again thank everyone who has been so kind and generous and helpful while I have been dealing with all this mess. Fern, WC, Blue--everyone. So incredibly grateful for you all.

It's wonderful to read your updates! thank you for sharing!

So glad you can get out despite the cool weather.

It must be very frightening when you are feeling like some man is waiting for you with a knife!? i'd be very scared!

i admire your ability to remain composed.

The giftcard sounds great!

it's very important you take care of yourself and you are doing just that. You are also setting a very good example for the rest of us!

You are definitely giving to the community here!
Your Presence, alone, is a blessing to all of us!

i remain hopeful for your healing!

Sunflower123 · Nov 23, 2019, 06:58 PM

Christina - I think you are brilliant and you rock! Thank you for your advice and suggestions. Of course, I should structure my day in such a way as to get around that down turn!

A real aha moment.

I’m really sorry you are having such a hard time. Distraction is good. Do you have something you are looking forward to? Thanksgiving or Christmas?

Fuzzybear · Nov 23, 2019, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Well. was able to get outside in the 34ish degree stuff early and work out. A bit dicey in spots, as there was not ice, but a lot of slippery frost. Oh well, that time of year.

Have to remember I am still generally on an upward trajectory. Had a problem at bedtime last night where, suddenly, while on my side, I realized there was a man with a huge knife outside my room, preparing to kill me. Hyperventilating, terror, out of control. Got on my back, so I could defend myself. Finally, fell back to what I always am left with in these situations--prayer and breathing. That's all I could do.

So, I did it. And somehow, I got myself under control and actually fell asleep. What I just do not understand is how I can go from being totally fine one minute, to being completely out of control and out of my mind, the next. What do we even call that? I dunno.

No psychosis so far today. Got a nice gift card from the owner of my favorite pizza place, which was cheery. I found some pieces of metal in a slice a couple of days ago. I think they were shocked I didn't want to sue them, this being America. But then I briefly mentioned what I used to do for a living and it sort of became clear...

Not yet in a position to be providing feedback to anyone, sorry. Just trying to steadily improve, if possible. I want to again thank everyone who has been so kind and generous and helpful while I have been dealing with all this mess. Fern, WC, Blue--everyone. So incredibly grateful for you all.

I also always appreciate your posts here

hugs and love

Wander · Nov 23, 2019, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It's quite insightful that you realize your "psyche is purging trauma through my body."

This must feel quite horrible?

At least theoretically, we can release "stuck" energy in our bodies by utilizing modalities which assist us in releasing that energy.

Are you able to exercise now? I know you struggle with this, off and on.

I think you had said you cannot access any body work.
Any chance your insurance covers acupuncture?
Acupuncture shifts energy within the body and can bring it back into balance.

Yoga? Do you do yoga? If not, could you try yoga?

Any assistance we can locate might help us to shift, to release and to again, balance the energy within the body.

I hope and pray you are through this phase soon and with ease.

May you feel surrounded by Love as you continue your healing process!

Thanks! I still can’t exercise or do much yoga due to my hip, but it is slowly improving. My insurance only covers hospitals, and physiotherapists, and sports doctors are using the savings I do have. Hopefully next week I can start short walks, and maybe a swim.

Last night I had bad SI. My mind is flipping out. I took a lot of PRN, and made it through the night. This morning i feel bad already. I’m getting worried. This is overwhelming.

Wild Coyote · Nov 23, 2019, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Having another panic attack, They're different than the ones I normally get. These feel like my throat is tightening and closing, it really scares me. It's not an allergic reaction because I've been on the meds I'm on for a long time, it's just a different kind of panic I guess. Typically my heart races, cold sweat and sheer dread. I just took a klonopin. I got through the one yesterday without a klonopin but this one just seems to be escalating so I had to do something about it because I was starting to get convinced there was somehow some kind of object lodged in my throat.

Wow!

This sounds so incredibly frightening!

Some say: it's ctritical to get ahead of the attacks, by treating prior to further attacks.

My fave pdoc used to tell me the panic attacks are self-perpetuating. The more you experience, the more you will have. If this is true, it becomes very important to stop them before they start, if possible.

Are you treated for panic outside of a prn? I am hoping your pdoc helps you out by treating panic in a proactive manner, so you will not have to keep having these attacks.

Wild Coyote · Nov 23, 2019, 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well it’s just miserable here, rain, damp and windy! My lungs are just burning more so. I’m really sick of the pain.

I made it out to pick up a few prescriptions that were ready. Back home and in my jammies.

So .. same ole shyt

Distraction Distraction Distraction

it's great you did get out!

i know it was just a necessary errand to you and i am sorry for all you go through.

I am also trying to distract myself.. I am in much more pain than my pain meds can handle tonight. You and your perseverance helps me to stay strong!
I love, admire and appreciate you, Christina!

Blue_Bird · Nov 23, 2019, 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Wow!

This sounds so incredibly frightening!

Some say: it's ctritical to get ahead of the attacks, by treating prior to further attacks.

My fave pdoc used to tell me the panic attacks are self-perpetuating. The more you experience, the more you will have. If this is true, it becomes very important to stop them before they start, if possible.

Are you treated for panic outside of a prn? I am hoping your pdoc helps you out by treating panic in a proactive manner, so you will not have to keep having these attacks.

Yes I take Inderal (propranolol) everyday in addition to having the klonopin. I have a tendency to avoid taking the klonopin as much as possible and just use it as needed. My doctor is always saying I should take it if I need it, I can take it up to 2 times a day, that's actually how I'm supposed to take it, once in the morning and once in the evening. it's a low dose, 0.5mg per tablet. I tend to wait till things get really bad until I take one, which is my own fault. Maybe now's just a time in my life where I really need it and should take it as I'm supposed to. For some reason I sometimes feel bad for relying on it.

I'm doing other things to help in addition to the medication, such as watching nature documentaries which relax me, listening to music, journaling, and other techniques to help me cope.

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate your kindness and concern

I hope you're doing well

Wild Coyote · Nov 23, 2019, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wander

Thanks! I still can’t exercise or do much yoga due to my hip, but it is slowly improving. My insurance only covers hospitals, and physiotherapists, and sports doctors are using the savings I do have. Hopefully next week I can start short walks, and maybe a swim.

Last night I had bad SI. My mind is flipping out. I took a lot of PRN, and made it through the night. This morning i feel bad already. I’m getting worried. This is overwhelming.

Is it mainly anxiety/panic you are feeling?

Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel?

I think any thing we can do physically will be beneficial, in so many ways!

I am sorry about your hip. H ip injuries can be very painful!

Keep us posted!

Blue_Bird · Nov 23, 2019, 07:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Well. was able to get outside in the 34ish degree stuff early and work out. A bit dicey in spots, as there was not ice, but a lot of slippery frost. Oh well, that time of year.

Have to remember I am still generally on an upward trajectory. Had a problem at bedtime last night where, suddenly, while on my side, I realized there was a man with a huge knife outside my room, preparing to kill me. Hyperventilating, terror, out of control. Got on my back, so I could defend myself. Finally, fell back to what I always am left with in these situations--prayer and breathing. That's all I could do.

So, I did it. And somehow, I got myself under control and actually fell asleep. What I just do not understand is how I can go from being totally fine one minute, to being completely out of control and out of my mind, the next. What do we even call that? I dunno.

No psychosis so far today. Got a nice gift card from the owner of my favorite pizza place, which was cheery. I found some pieces of metal in a slice a couple of days ago. I think they were shocked I didn't want to sue them, this being America. But then I briefly mentioned what I used to do for a living and it sort of became clear...

Not yet in a position to be providing feedback to anyone, sorry. Just trying to steadily improve, if possible. I want to again thank everyone who has been so kind and generous and helpful while I have been dealing with all this mess. Fern, WC, Blue--everyone. So incredibly grateful for you all.

I'm glad you were able to get to sleep last night. That sounds very disturbing. Prayer also helps me when I'm having hallucinations and/or paranoia

I hope things continue to improve and these experiences lessen over time

Wild Coyote · Nov 23, 2019, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Yes I take Inderal (propranolol) everyday in addition to having the klonopin. I have a tendency to avoid taking the klonopin as much as possible and just use it as needed. My doctor is always saying I should take it if I need it, I can take it up to 2 times a day, that's actually how I'm supposed to take it, once in the morning and once in the evening. it's a low dose, 0.5mg per tablet. I tend to wait till things get really bad until I take one, which is my own fault. Maybe now's just a time in my life where I really need it and should take it as I'm supposed to. For some reason I sometimes feel bad for relying on it.

I'm doing other things to help in addition to the medication, such as watching nature documentaries which relax me, listening to music, journaling, and other techniques to help me cope.

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate your kindness and concern

I hope you're doing well

It's always a pleasure to interact with you!

I totally understand not wanting to use any more clonazepam that I can get away with. i had used it for years, mostly .5mg. too. i'd had years, or "seasons" in my life when i'd really needed to take it, or take it more often. I was always reticent to take it, but had to get over that. During the times I'd truly needed it, my life was better for having allowed myself the relief at the time.

i truly admire your efforts to develop other ways to cope!

In time, you will become increasingly proficient with this!

it's really all about whatever works for you!
I wish you did not have to deal with anxiety/panic at all, of course!

I'm all for whatever works for you!

i am glad you are a part of this PC family!

Wander · Nov 23, 2019, 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Is it mainly anxiety/panic you are feeling?

Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel?

I think any thing we can do physically will be beneficial, in so many ways!

I am sorry about your hip. H ip injuries can be very painful!

Keep us posted!

Thanks again WC. Yes, anxiety and extreme panic at times. Right now I barely see any light.

~Christina · Nov 23, 2019, 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Thank you, I hope the situation with your lungs improves soon

Thanks so much

I was thinking .. are you on Haldol? I can’t remember, sorry

. Anyway years ago when I took it I was having some really weird panic attacks that defiantly presented differently. Maybe a fluke ? I dunno just a thought.

~Christina · Nov 23, 2019, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9

It's my mother's 75th birthday and we're having a big party for her. We've invited her friends too.

I'm seeing my pdoc in av few days and all I can think about is how to answer her when she asks how I'm feeling... If I'm satisfied with how I feel now.

I'm not sleeping well so that's a problem. But I'm also not hypomanic. And I feel ok and not ok at the same time. But I feel better in several ways even though not better in other ways.

So am I satisfied? Partially, as is always the case. But can I live with things the way they are? Is it possible to do better than this? Tough questions.

I slept for 4 hours last night. I got up and worked on the book and a new article.

Happy Birthday to your Mom

Honestly the way you described how your feeling is exactly what you need to tell your Pdoc. Basically they need to know your riding the “uncomfortable fence”

I have tumbled into my pdocs office feeling exactly THAT

Do you chart your day mood ? There’s lots of Apps or you can easily do it on paper, which I sometimes prefer. It can help you see a pattern.

Hope the party was a lot of fun

~Christina · Nov 23, 2019, 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Thinking of you. Sending hugs, prayers and healing vibes. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks

Ahh I just saw your other post. I think you have probably helped yourself leaps and bounds by noticing how a day is going for you. I’m glad you have gotten in touch with your T. Just doing that might help you ?

I know you can claw your way out of feeling bad.. I often get pissed and angry at Bipolar.. ... anger usually helps me fight my way out of a bad episode, not always but can sometimes help.

Looking forward to... we have a trip to Florida for Christmas, I’m not at this point excited yet. I desperately need to see my Daughter , I miss her. But I really hope I can tip myself physically towards a better place. The trips are stressful but now that my H is on board about having that 2 week limit I’m not going to have as much stress.

It’s just my husband and I for T day. We decided no reason for me to do the whole traditional meal, I have left it up to him. This will be an interesting dinner might be pumpkin pie , chocolate cake and a burger LOL

Hang in there hun I’m cheering you on

Blue_Bird · Nov 23, 2019, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Thanks so much

I was thinking .. are you on Haldol? I can’t remember, sorry

. Anyway years ago when I took it I was having some really weird panic attacks that defiantly presented differently. Maybe a fluke ? I dunno just a thought.

No, not haldol but I do take Thorazine. It could be because my abilify was increased recently. I have no clue though. I'm on quite a few meds so it's hard to tell. I started the abilify and Thorazine maybe 3 months ago, so they are the newer ones out of the meds I take
Thank you

~Christina · Nov 23, 2019, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

it's great you did get out!

i know it was just a necessary errand to you and i am sorry for all you go through.

I am also trying to distract myself.. I am in much more pain than my pain meds can handle tonight. You and your perseverance helps me to stay strong!

I love, admire and appreciate you, Christina!

Ahhhh my friend ! You and I are just collecting illness and increased pain far to often.

I hate that your pain is surpassing the ability of your prn extra pain Med.

Do you think we will survive til spring at this rate ??? I’m damning the person to hell that has the VooDoo dolls of us and using a very big pin!

Maybe we could escape to a beautiful beach with crystal blue water and fruity drinks with umbrellas???

You are so Amazingly strong and altho you have horrible days you come back swinging the next day

~Christina · Nov 23, 2019, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Yes I take Inderal (propranolol) everyday in addition to having the klonopin. I have a tendency to avoid taking the klonopin as much as possible and just use it as needed. My doctor is always saying I should take it if I need it, I can take it up to 2 times a day, that's actually how I'm supposed to take it, once in the morning and once in the evening. it's a low dose, 0.5mg per tablet. I tend to wait till things get really bad until I take one, which is my own fault. Maybe now's just a time in my life where I really need it and should take it as I'm supposed to. For some reason I sometimes feel bad for relying on it.

I'm doing other things to help in addition to the medication, such as watching nature documentaries which relax me, listening to music, journaling, and other techniques to help me cope.

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate your kindness and concern

I hope you're doing well

I read this thinking.... usually after I get a panic attack under control I usually am able to look back and see when I first started to get distressed.... if I catch it then with a prn I don’t go full blown into one.

For me usually before the actually uncontrollable anxiety hits I start shaking my legs or I need to turn off the tv as noise is killing me or it’s tooo quiet and my head is loud and I need to turn on music or tv.

My T told me years ago to tape this question to my bathroom mirror

“ big deep breaths , do I need a Xanax ? “‘ it was a good reminder, also for you maybe add.. prn isn’t poison.

Anyway something to consider. It’s of course not always possible to catch panic and anxiety before it explodes.. but skipping any big ones is a plus

Wild Coyote · 08:45 PM

A Warm Hello to All!

I have been busy lately, pushing to do as much as I can do. Getting things ready for the holidays.

My nephew was here for several hours. We were having one of our 1:1 heart-to-hearts for awhile. i love that guy! Everyone should be so blessed as i am!
Oh, we also did some work. He;s a plumber and was replacing a faucet, etc., before the holiday, in the living area bathroom.

I did too much. i have injured a hip and it is, most often, in severe pain. i can, and do, push through a lot of pain. That's exactly what i was doing in order to help out.
It all became too much. and then I could not catch up with the pain. I am still trying to find enough relief to be able to relax a bit.

An update on my aunt, for those interested: She had made it to the rehab center after her bypass surgery. She was taken to the nearby hospital. She has both pneumonia and a UTI. She is being held at the hospital for now. Thank you for your healing thoughts, prayers and more.

i hope everyone sleeps in absolute Peace tonight!
Love to All!!! :love;

~Christina · Nov 23, 2019, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

No, not haldol but I do take Thorazine. It could be because my abilify was increased recently. I have no clue though. I'm on quite a few meds so it's hard to tell. I started the abilify and Thorazine maybe 3 months ago, so they are the newer ones out of the meds I take

Thank you

Ahhh ok .. i knee it was an ole schooI AP ... I actually have Thorazine, it was a kinda last ditch attempt to knock me out. First dose I slept 14 hours, 2nd and 3rd time pretty useless , the last time I didn’t have a long blink. Do you or did you have vision problems when you first started ?? When I have taken it I have such blurry vision I can’t see to send a text and the tv is a blur for almost a full 2 days , so I’m leery of trying it again. If I can’t see my go to Distractions will be impossible.

Bipolar ! What a life eh ? lol

wildflowerchild25 · Nov 23, 2019, 08:42 PM

My son’s birthday party went well today. I think the kids had fun. It was SO much better to only invite his close friends instead of his whole class. Less expensive too. I think this is what we will be doing from here on out. Much less stressful!

Tomorrow we have my son’s family party at friendly’s. That will be nice. I’m hoping the fam will help pay a little bit toward it bc I’m running out of money fast. I’ll have to drain my saving to make rent and the rest of my first of the month bills. I haven’t gotten paid in almost a month. I’m not sure if I’ll get paid this pay period either bc I’m not sure if I started in time. I don’t have any idea how I’m going to pay for Christmas gifts. Five below is going to be my friend for my son.

I’m looking forward to a short work week this week. Thanksgiving I can take or leave, but I don’t dread it. RS and his parents will be there. Now if my racist, obnoxious uncle can just keep his mouth shut...

Wild Coyote · Nov 23, 2019, 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

No, not haldol but I do take Thorazine. It could be because my abilify was increased recently. I have no clue though. I'm on quite a few meds so it's hard to tell. I started the abilify and Thorazine maybe 3 months ago, so they are the newer ones out of the meds I take
Thank you

In response to the increase of Abilify, I am wondering if you are feeling anxiety/panic and/or a different/new sense of restlessness?

I am asking you this because some people experience akathisia with Abilify.

Some feel an increase in anxiety.

it's quite possible the higher Abilify dose might be making the anxiety/panic and/or restlessness worse?

Just a couple of thoughts...
have a good night!

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