Bipolar Check-in #40

My sleep is still terrible. I still feel hopeless and defeated but I’m focused on Tv, movies and re-reading a much loved book series.

I have to be doing one of the above so I don’t have time to tumble into self pity.

Lots of rain , started last night and comes in waves. So my pain is still huge. It’s just a Monster

Oh, I wish for you that at least the weather could cooperate and be dry and sunny while you're waiting for the side effects of that med to go away. Hasn't your state heard of Indian summer? You deserve one.

Thank you for your message. I was referring to irl and not PC. I hope it didn’t come across differently. This is one of the few places I can come to be supported and understood. I’m very grateful.

You’ve been a good friend to me as well and I care about you too. Thank you for your support.

Well, my therapy appointment turned into a huge, long rant about my sister, so I kinda feel like I wasted my appointment slot when I could have talked about other, more pressing things, but I also kinda feel like I needed to "let it out" to someone.

Long story short, I told my therapist about how my sister is VERY manipulative, VERY entitled, VERY controlling, and VERY uncompromising with everything (because everything has to be "her" way and ONLY her way). She basically does this fake crying thing when she doesn't get her way, and then says how everything is "unfair" to her when she has to compromise... because she is manipulative and wants to play victim. And then she uses my mom's' credit cards to buy whatever she wants because she doesn't want to spend her own money on things, even though she has money in the bank. Then she has the audacity to b_tch at me for how I spend my own money, even though I rarely buy things. So, I told my therapist that my mom is enabling her by giving in to what she wants and letting her use the credit card w/ no consequences. I said I wouldn't be surprised if my sister went bankrupt shortly after graduating from college, and that I will NOT be lending her any money when that happens.

Also, my sister is the kinda person who b_tches about free stuff. Like if she gets a Christmas gift that she doesn't want, she'll b_tch about it. For example, she'll SAY she wants a very specific thing for Christmas and we get it for her as a surprise, and then when it "goes out of fashion" (according to her...), she acts like she never wanted it, saying, "Ewwwwww. Why did you get this for me? I never said I wanted it." (Yes, she says "ewwwww.") She'll also return all her gifts and demand us to give her the cash instead (since the money goes back onto our credit cards after she returns the items). And she doesn't ask for cheap gifts, either. They're typically REALLY expensive. And of course, after we get her like a $400 gift, she'll give all of us like a candy cane and a gift worth $5.... specifically, a gift bought USING MY MOM'S MONEY, not even hers!! I know she doesn't have to give a gift if she doesn't want, but it's pretty insulting to spend lots of money on her and then she pretends she doesn't like it and then demands money. I hope I don't sound entitled or having high standards, but she knows we're giving her expensive stuff, so I don't see why she can't at least partially reciprocate by spending more than a measly $5 and doing more than just taking a free candy canes from work and giving them to us.

Struggling to hang on to my sanity. Should be ok. Just have to ride it out. Feel panicked all the time though. I have to keep reminding myself that I am free, and safe. It’s like my psyche is purging trauma through my body.

My pharmacy didn’t have lithium in stock and had to order it so I still haven’t started it yet. They didn’t bother to call and let me know. This poses a problem since I needed to take a blood panel 5-7 days after starting and that runs it into Thanksgiving and the holiday weekend. I’ll call my doctor’s office for the doctor on call and see if they want me to hold off on taking it.

I’ve determined that I will make it through Thanksgiving and visiting M and if I’m not feeling better then I’ll go IP. Having said that, I feel a bit better this morning although morning is my good time of day.

I don’t have much emotional support in my life at all. I have other forms of support for which I’m very grateful but emotional support is lacking. Just a general lack of thoughtfulness, caring and compassion. I’ve decided to accept it for what it is and to build my own tribe of people who care for me. The first emotional support I’m putting in is my therapist who was happy to hear from me.

I’m also going to do a better job with other methods for managing this like nutrition, exercise, supplements, meditation and some forms of energy healing. That’s all I can think of.

I appreciate PC and the folks on this forum. It really helps just to get it out. Thank you.

Warm regards.

Jennifer, I have been thinking about you. I was worried because I «sensed» that you were not well. So I found you here.

I'm glad to hear that you are to start treatment with Lithium and that you perhaps are starting to therapy again. I am sorry that you don't have any support of the kind of people asking how you are doing and so on. I have only a few, but I have done exactly what you plan to do, built relationships around me in different groups, so that at least there are people that miss me when I don't show up. To hear people say that they missed me last week (or so) has been very helpful. I feel included and that is important. I have taught myself to use a lot of inner praise/affirmations. I mean I am the only one that know all I have been through in my life, so I am the only one who can give me a pat on the back. Like you, I accept that so it is. This is the life I got, but it shall not hinder me to make good use of the rest of it inside the frames that are mine.

Like you I have put my energy into taking care of my general health, the holistic approach. To me that means: keep home clean (am allergic), have my relationship with God in order, keep appointments, focus on being interested in other people, eat healthy, physical exercises, relaxation or Mindfulness, fresh air, and when I'm out of towns to take in the all beauty of nature, to read and maintain my professional knowledge. The frame around this; what keeps it all together, is daily structure. That's why the accountability thread was so good for me, it forced me to plan ahead and try again and again. There is a very good app to help with habits. In case the accountability thread doesn't come into use again, that app may perhaps help you with healthy structure if you feel you need help from outside. It is called HabitBull.

For now please only try your best to take care of yourself from day to day. You are in my thoughts!

When it comes to my life, I feel it is good (or good enough if you prefer that). I live well with different physical diseases and with my depressive tendencies and manage to find a good balance between rest and activity. I am singing in the bathroom again. It's a long time since I did that.

I send my best wishes for you, Jennifer, and hope it will not take so long before the you are over this Psychological «mountain» in your life!

I have not come back to the forums again, but I wanted so much to tell you that you are not forgotten. It gladdens my heart to see that you have a lot of people caring for you here.

Singer

Singer, my friend, I’m so happy to hear from you! Thank you for your kindness and for your message. It means a lot.

I’m glad you are well and singing in the bathroom again.

I do feel amongst people who care here.

I know, I know...life must go on. I still miss you though and wish only the best for you. Warm regards.

I find it synchronous that you set an intent to restructure your emotional support team and then shortly after a friend you haven't heard from in a while pops by to offer a very kind and supportive message.

I find it synchronous that you set an intent to restructure your emotional support team and then shortly after a friend you haven't heard from in a while pops by to offer a very kind and supportive message.

Please don't make a mess out of this. I am one of Jennifer friends, but not the only one. Be kind to each other and give support when someone needs that and let others support you when you need that.

Nobody owns each other here!

A person who used weeks to fall off track (J) should be spared from having to defend herself for missing one of her many PC friends. I miss many here, but have decided to go on by myself in the outer world ...

I am not an active member of CP anymore. So this is just a quick response to your input. (I mean I am not going into a discussion with you. I am just in to see if Jennifer had read my input. She had).

Be well unknown friend.

Yesterday was intensely stressful. I won't go into all of it. I'm glad I took an Ativan.


My father was rejected by the IOP we were counting on him attending. I was there with him for over two hours. The psychiatrist said the primary reason for rejection was his below normal score on a cognitive test. She recommended we send him to a neurologist for tests for dementia. I thought that had been ruled out in the past.


We have to start all over again trying to find our dad dual diagnosis treatment. My sister will have to take the lead.

Having another panic attack, They're different than the ones I normally get. These feel like my throat is tightening and closing, it really scares me. It's not an allergic reaction because I've been on the meds I'm on for a long time, it's just a different kind of panic I guess. Typically my heart races, cold sweat and sheer dread. I just took a klonopin. I got through the one yesterday without a klonopin but this one just seems to be escalating so I had to do something about it because I was starting to get convinced there was somehow some kind of object lodged in my throat.

I have different types of panic attacks. I’m sorry your having to deal with a awful one. Feel better