Bipolar Check-in #40

((((Fuzzybear))))

CorpseKeeper- please reach out to someone IRL. Even if it's just a clinic.

It's loud like all the sounds of the world is being amplified. I feel really confused. I don't like math, I'm good at it, it helps me focus. They want me to teach it at the co-op so I'm trying to get use to the program. I haven't said yes or no. I'm more sick then not recently. So just getting through this game class is enough right now. Teaching something may be to much. It was last time I tried. I told my husband today I'm imaginary. I didn't realize I was thinking that.

I'm afraid I'll get lost in writing. I'm currently participating in life and don't want to get lost in my head.

Thank you so much

I had a quiet day with my dog. It's funny how my feelings evolve. At the moment i can't understand why i reacted in such anger yesterday when my friend cancelled on me. Truth be told, i didn't want to go to the hockey game either. I feel too weak and frail to go anywhere much less a rambunctious sports event several hours long with public transit both ways. I bought the tickets in September when i was manic and had no insight that i would ever come down. The money was already spent. I could have just written it all off to a bipolar SNAFU, making plans too far in advance. I wish i'd told my friend that it was fine, that i wasn't feeling well anyways and wished her a nice dinner.

Instead, i flew off the handle and ruined the rest of my day and parts of today. It's not really the question of bottling my anger up or of expressing it. It's a question of why did i get angry in the first place? I didn't want to go to the game and here was a golden opportunity to get out of it . . . . Why didn't i just say, whatever, and bow out peacefully?

I wonder if it's about my own fear and pain of rejection . . . . Very sensitive to rejection. Overly so. Unreasonably so. Irrationally so. Probably due to my divorce, i guess. The devastating global rejection by my ex-husband.

Well, i certainly was the source of my own misery in this incident. Thing is, i'm not feeling that bad, moodwise. I'm not manic and i'm not depressed so it's a mystery to me why i would have such an extreme reaction . . . . Maybe my mood is lower than i realize. I overate yesterday and today and slept-in 90 minutes today . . . . Perhaps i *am* depressed or well on my way there???

I’m finally getting here late...

I hope packing wasn’t too difficult, and your sound asleep since your heading out so early.

This trip I think ultimately will be a great positive thing once you just get away from all the rushing trying to get your Dad all set. Let your sister work on getting something set up. Enjoy the beach and some probably much much needed relaxing days with your husband

I hear you! I don't like to post on the more challenging days. I like to keep to myself on days like this. I don't want to drag people down either.

Yet, the truth is: We are not dragging anyone down. People read here because they want to read here. If anyone is not well enough to tolerate you talking about your challenges, then it is up to him/her to protect him/herself.
As long as we use a trigger alert when it is appropriate to use it, we have been responsible. If someone feels depressed from your posts, the truth is: That person was already depressed. Your post is not responsible for anyone's depression, anxiety or other.

So you'd felt like having a martini this morning? Many sober people have moments when they crave a drink, often a specific type of a drink. Your experience with this is not unusual for people working on sobriety.

More than the fact that you'd wanted a martini, the question is: WHY were you wanting a martini?

When I am feeling overwhelmed, I start taking life an hour at a time. I make sure I am okay this hour. I do the same for the next hour, etc. In time, you will be using time periods like taking things day-to-day.

As you know very well and as your screen name indicates, this illness cycles. Your screen name is clever by the way.

You will not always be stuck in one mood or mindset. I see from your description you may be feeling you do not shift into an "acceptable" state as a part of the various states in which you live?

I apologize, I do not know your history. I do not know how long you have been diagnosed, how long you have been trying various meds/med cocktails, etc.

I really cannot answer to those types of issues/concerns because I am totally ignorant of your experiences/history.

I can say I have known many people who had thought they were not ever golng to make it through their very heavy/demanding challenges. Yet, they did hang in, kept trying when they could do so, rested when they could not.
We all keep trying, keep moving forward at a pace we can tolerate, while we learn more about ourselves, our needs, learn more about which meds work for us and which do not. We have all kinds of experiences on our road to recovery. Some of them might help us. Some of them might change us.

I am sorry, I am not doing a good job of expressing myself tonight and I was reticent to write due to my own hang-ups about not feeling well -- and not because I do not care about you. I do care about your welfare and will step outside of my comfort zone in order to offer some support.

Sometimes, I get through by thoughtfully deciding I am going to hang in and am going to give myself a very good chance at doing better, feeling better, etc.

You are feeling defeated, which I do understand. You are feeling as though this pain is all for naught. I do understand this. I go through this, too.

What happens if you take control of this just enough to make a firm decision to give yourself every chance possible? Why not make a firm decision to do this? What is there to lose?

I believe in you. I believe in your ability to hang in with this and with us, at least until you are feeling better, are in a better place.

I'll post here when I am having a crappy day if you will do the same?

Remember: Slow and steady wins the race!

I’m glad your feeling better , it sounds like a wonderful get away.

As for your letters , seriously get rid of them, keeping them is only removing an obstacle that might be one that makes you stop and think if/when your in a crisis.

Maybe instead write not a good bye letter but write a letter purely of love and tell everyone exactly how much you love them and why .. absolutely nothing like a good bye .. more like your so wonderful doing X we should go do X to celebrate or maybe ask for someone to help you learn something.

Okay then you can do one of two things. You can keep them they are ALL positive and there is nothing about you not being in there life. OR you can actually give the letters to your loved ones.

We as people generally don’t really see how much we can mean to another person.

Years ago my Husband wrote me a letter, we were flat broke... He told me all the reasons he loved me.. I always knew he loved me but for him to go into such details some where big things but also many were just the little things, he said he absolutely adores me when I’m struggling trying to take a stupid DVD out of the damn case and then remember how to use 3 different remotes to get it to actually work, apparently I tap my foot and make a face while my tongue is half out and I’m biting it. Freaking crazy right???

But it showed me just how much he sees in me.

Of all the gifts he has ever given me that is the best ever.

Just a thought

Good to see you back. I hope that your able to continue and recover and feel stronger

No one is a lost cause.

Have you ever thought that keeping all that stuff could be something holding you back ? Or suffocating you ??

Journaling has never been good for me, instead of writing and moving along I look back and beat myself up for feeling down and out 57 days ago. How will that help me in anyway ???

Maybe you need to shed your skin ( old writings and unhealthy things on your phone ) and move forward by putting as many obstacles between you and a huge mistake that would destroy your family and friends. I have many steps I must complete before I could harm myself. It’s a long list and I’m grateful it is, it’s something I could not even complete in a few days and those few days gives me lots of time to realize what a tragedy it would be.

Do you have a safety plan ?

I approve of this and I love days like that

Your doing so well Bizi !!!!

I hope that feeling goes away very unpleasant.

Possible it was gas? I keep gas pills handy if I get a certain cramps feeling as I usually have a lot of nausea with it.

Hope it’s all gone by he time you read this

Thanks so much!

As you have looked back at your day yesterday and are actually able to see that your reaction was over the top. It’s possible that your dealing with more of a bpd reaction/symptom in this situation.

It happens .... there are many ways to learn to how to stop a reaction and look at it from a different angle and decompress the over the top feelings with out it destroying a whole day

Just a thought

Had a nice day. Went to a movie and for Indian food again with a friend today. Had a conversation with another friend who has BP. I mentioned my diagnosis and that I didn't really know if it was right and was going to maybe get some more formal evaluation. They acted shocked at the diagnosis (guess they forgot I had it) and almost sounded angry and said they thought I might want to consider seeing a different psychiatrist. I both agree it may be incorrect and appreciated the concern, but I don't know how to feel or react to that response. Like it may not be super likely, but I don't think it's entirely impossible. I just feel confused. I might still go back to my psychiatrist as I do tend to trust him, even if maybe he was off on the diagnosis. I just want an understanding of what's going on. I am not planning to overly attach myself to a diagnosis either way, but trying to get insight. I probably sound a bit like a broken record in these updates, I'll try to stop ruminating over this haha.

Your not ruminating silly lol

As for your friends reaction ? I think I’d be a bit annoyed/hurt / angry even. I think friends reaction was a bit rude and offputting

Your in a situation where hormones are likely a big portion of the problem. Yes Bipolar in the mix? Probably. But our overall health easily plays into how mental illness steers the boat sometimes.

If you trust your Pdoc I’d defiantly go in for a visit.. can you bring up your unsure about diagnosis ?

You can always get a second opinion too. A fresh set of eyes never really hurts anything

Well I got about 5 hours of sleep so it’s a partial “ Yay” but because I’m having such a long protracted run of insomnia I actually feel a bit worse, well worse because I’ve had a useless brain today, very fuzzy.

My quality of sleep is awful. I’d rather get 1 hour of restful sleep than 5 of this crap but I’ll take whatever I can get.

The continued breathing problem is a probably big part of my pure lack of sleep, I’m very anxious all the time because altho I’m not gasping for air I’m still having to work hard to get it. So my body is on guard 24/7 subconsciously.

I just wish I’d have some better idea of when this might start to resolve but thats the damn tricky part of Medication “ Half life”

Oh the joy !!!! But it was sunny for a while today so I was outside some.

Hugs and cookies for all ~

Glad you are getting some sleep!

I admire the way you are gracefully coping with all of this.

Thanks for being a friend!

Graceful ??? Bwhahaha. I’m so far from graceful as can be , but I can fake it well

Thank YOU for the friendship we are Sisters from another Mister LOL

I think my weirdness maybe akathisia but if it is Pdoc will probably take me off abilify and put me on something else. I don't want that but something needs to be done. I see pdoc the 16th. The next time I see T is the 19th.

Christina glad you slept, hopefully your sleep is more restful soon.

Are you going to call in your side effect before your pdoc appointment? or are you going to just wait?
bizi

Can you explain the “ weirdness”

I would think your Pdoc would have you try Cogentin before just dumping the AP

I don’t know how write this message, I feel everyone is in pain, and had painful experiences. And I don’t want to add so much of my pain. I am rather asking for help, merciful help, if anyone knows a good therapist kind in heart and can help me gain my will to live again I would be so humbled, grateful and indebted to you. I feel ashamed, lost and I have no one. I am diagnosed bipolar depression and anxiety disorder. Any activity I can do?.