Bipolar Check-in #40

My medication wore off but will receive a shot tomorrow. I took a nap and feel better. I had a headache and was feeling anxious. I feel much better but hope the shot will do its trick for me. I think my judgment is impaired still. After getting involved with someone who does not really care about me but just wants sex, I realize I'm not doing well. I wanted him for sex too but know I'm worth more than that. I have to step back and take a deep breath. I think I will do the right thing and let him go if possible. I was going to let him go but he keeps complaining. Thus, I should just ignore him. It is not easy for me to do this. But, I'd rather be safe than sorry in the long run.

Thank you very much for your kind concern Christina. Your ideas make sense, but to my mind they are impossible. For example, a 10 minute shower isn't 10 minutes for me. It's a long process, (before, during and after the shower), so that for me a lovely shower is not that for me anymore, it is getting into the "decontamination tank". As far as quickly and daily wiping down handles and switches so that I would know they were clean, I can't do that because I live with my dear Dad and stepmom, and they use the switches and handles too. And I wouldn't be around them constantly to see if they touched something my mind says is "contaminated" and then touched the switch or handle, so I would never know if they were clean even if I cleaned them earlier in the day! (I'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense to you. ) I'm actually not afraid of germs per se. I'm not afraid of getting sick, it's just that my mind(not a voice) tells me to clean this or wash my hands, telling me that things are contaminated, and if I don't listen, the sense of anxiety inside me is unbearable. So I give in to it to have a little peace until the next time...
"Keep Swimming" ~from Finding Nemo

Glad you had a nice day my daughter is a Sims addict !! She loves it. I’m sure having a actual mouse will make the game more enjoyable.

Good grief 18 inches I honestly don’t think I could live in areas that got that much snow. I’d likely not come out til spring lol

I hope the pharmacy isn’t too far away

Yes a nice neat tidy clean space feels great

I’m so happy that your sleeping well !!

Oh I know how hard it can be it’s taken me years to make some changes in myself.... for things to improve we must take steps to start the process. Even moving an inch forward is a cause for celebration. Maybe find small obtainable goal to work towards?? Once you reach it reward yourself.. whether it be a cupcake, manicure or making a favorite meal.

Baby steps !!

Thank you dear Christina. That is some very attainable advice, to take a baby step, try a little bit, a single step in the right direction, and then bit by bit you will make progress. It reminds me of a song from an old children's Christmas movie about Bumble, the Abominable Snowman, and the song was, "Put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door!" Yes, I should not give in or give up entirely, I'll try to think of a tiny change I can make!

You can do it

Uuugh it’s supposed to snow! How terrible. I hate snow lol. If my son has a half day I have to rush home and grab him from school because I don’t want him coming home on the bus. He doesn’t know the bus stop (he’s always in aftercare), he doesn’t have a key to the house, I would just be worried sick about him. I’m so nervous. I would rather they just close school altogether. But honestly it’s not even supposed to be that much. But the last time it wasn’t supposed to be that much NJ was totally unprepared and resulted in a “snowmageddon” as it is referred to lol. People were stuck on the highways for hours and kids were stuck at school overnight in some cases. This time I think we are prepared, I saw the brine and salt trucks out already.

I think if his school has a half day I’m just going to take off work and keep him home. That way I don’t have to worry about picking him up, getting there in time, etc.

Hi @Wild Coyote !
I feel for you Wild Coyote! After 19 years of being on SSI (I was just shy of working enough to qualify for SSDI), I am in the process of appealing their decision that I am "no longer disabled". When I read their determination letter I couldn't resist saying out loud, "I'm healed!!!"

Ooooh, chili! My favorite! And cornbread, by chance? When I was a kid, my grandmother would make our favorite thing for our birthdays. Every time, I picked chili and cornbread. Every.single.time! Lol, and to this day! There is someone I sometimes do/make things for, and she will want to pay. I always tell her she can pay me in chili and cornbread -- it's better than money.

I hope your pain eases and I'm glad you get to see your T this week. Stay warm! Lots of hugs!

Oh, sweetie!! Down with such pain and stress! I wish I could take some for you -- lighten the load. I really hope it mellows out sooner than later... you definitely deserve a break. Many hugs.

Thanks Iz! Loads of ‘s

Absolutely cornbread !!! Cant imagine not having it to go with hehehe

I’m currently snuggled in a very soft fuzzy blanket ! That is one thing I love about winter, soft blankets and leaving my hair down, usually it gets so hot I have it wadded up on top of my head haha!

Today I see my PsychPA and I'm so glad!!! I think it's only been a little over 2 weeks, but so much has happened that it seems like a month ago! (I usually see her once a month, but the last time I saw her I was sobbing in her office, so she wanted to see me earlier!) I know she's going to stop the Abilify, and I think we're probably going to try Lithium. Have a good day everybody!

Oh, WC. This having to deal with a massive bureaucracy is just so unappealing. When they get something wrong, it's like trying to stop a fully loaded supertanker in a hundred yards. It seems almost not doable, to me.

As one of the requirements of receiving benefits from one of my private disability carriers, I had to apply for SSDI many moons ago. Everyone who knows my story said I was a slam-dunk. Two gigantic private insurers had deemed me 100% disabled after invasive probes. Time passed and then, three and a-half months after applying for SSDI, they sent me a note stating that my claim had been denied.

The woman managing my in-force claim at Berkshire just shook her head and said: "We see this a lot." Anyway, because SSDI denied me, Berkshire has paid me the monthly amount the federal govt. would have paid had my claim been approved since 2006.

All of which is just to say, that I know how challenging it can be to deal with these people. It's not the best-run organization. Sending you positive vibes and support!!

Very glad you are seeing your PA, RTS. I hope the visit goes as you wish. As I've said before, lithium saved my life. I don't really have side effects, except for a dry mouth. Good luck to you!

I, myself, am okay this morning. Slept horribly, as per usual. God, what I would give for a night with, like, 6 or 7 hours of actual sleep. It seems unattainable. My sleep is just a freaking joke.

I am very tired, anyway, and am hurting physically a fair bit. I generally don't take nonsteroidals anymore, because of the elevated stroke risk. But I may have to today. We shall see.

My mom made our favorite meals on our birthday each year. I always picked chili and cornbread too

Yeah, I hate snow too. Awful, awful, awful! Though we're getting a mix of rain and snow here. I'd prefer 100% snow than a mix of rain and snow since that means we'll be getting ice, which makes driving 10x worse.

I don't think we've ever had issues here where we got stuck on highways, unless it was one of those like 50+ car pileups or whatever. Then again, I live so far north that we're pretty hardcore when it comes to plowing, pretreating roads, etc.. Most of us have AWD/4WD and snow tires as well.

You guys have those weird highways though. An expressway and another "local" highway that parallels it. I don't remember what their route names are, but I know that there's a huge construction project that's been going on for like 10 years, so I can imagine that people get stuck on those highways for hours without moving, considering traffic normally is dead stop in ideal weather conditions. You also have weird traffic lights on your highways, if I recall correctly. lol. So I'm sure that doesn't help. (Unless I'm thinking of Pennsylvania...)

Our "snowmeggadon" was when we got 4 feet of snow from blizzard Nemo in the span of 1.5 days. The city (Boston) had to get special permission to dump the excess snow in the ocean since they had nowhere to put it and it was illegal to dump in the ocean.

I took a chance and took Seroquel last night.

I was up at 230 again. That's one hour later than yesterday so I guess that's a partial win if I'm looking at this positively.

At least I worked on an article and got things ready for later today. I also got an early start to shoveling my driveway.

I'm working on articles these days because I can finish them in a several hours, which covers the time I get up early. I'm not working on writing my book but I am taking photos for it so at least it's not a full stop.

I am getting sicker and sicker. I seem to have almost every single symptom of the flu, except a fever. So I guess it's just an extremely bad cold. Sometimes my stomach is upset, other times not. I'm not crying, but my eyes are tearing.

I had hoped that hubby would get a snow day today, but it didn't start snowing until later this morning. It's not yet sticking to the roads that much.

Update: I emailed my therapist asking if I should stay home tomorrow. She said to contact her in the morning. Honestly, I should stay home. If I get a fever, I'll know I have the flu. I haven't been this sick, physically, in many years.

I have accomplished nothing today.

nothing at all.

so yeah...

Oh no !! I’m sorry your so I’ll. If you think it’s the flu and you catch it early enough Tamiflu can help , there’s also a new medication available now, I think it also has a 48 hour window.

Drinks tons of fluids , helps flush it all out. Sleep as much as you can.

Well I ran in Hellmart and ran right back out with 2 medications I had to pick up , I loathe that damn place.

I’m going to make dinner earlier than normal tonight around 4:30-5:00 instead of 6:30-7:00, I’m really dragging today.

This cold front really has ramped up my pain level !

According to social security I have to contact Medicare to look into what plans for drug coverage we have to choose from. I just wasn’t up to dealing with it today , I have to list all my meds and write down all the costs for each medication and from numerous plans it’s a lengthy process and then I need to do the same for my husband.

Its likely I’ll wind up keeping my current plan but premium went from 4.95 a month to 30 something...between that and having to meet our deductibles and pay for both specialist I had to see ... well I might just sell a kidney !

Saturday night no sleep and last night was the mindless rest which helps but doesn't replace sleep. So today I got the Ambien. It's been a while so I hope it works again.

I know I said I was going to talk to my doctor about something different but I got sidetracked with all his questions about my other symptoms and forgot.

I'm so irritated. Amazing mum puts up with me, but mostly she just avoids me. I try to handle the irritatableness but I'm so short on sleep that it comes out sideways.

I'm almost odd in my thoughts I get stuck on one thing for hours. Last night I watched law and order episode before bed and kept replaying it over and over. It was so hard to get to the mindless place. I persicuted and finally did. Oh I so hope the meds work

Christina, I've started calling it that too! someone hit the side of our car, I suspect it happened in the hellmart parking lot. There's a red streak low on the drivers side like someone dragged a red car along it. at least it's an old car.

Sorry your in pain. That sucks.

I hope that the Ambien literally knocks you into a sleep coma

Finding that mindless place so you can capture that elusive sleep is often just impossible

My husband lays down in bed and with in a minute he’s snoring ! I get so jealous and it makes me angry which of course doesn’t help me getvany sleep.

I hope your Flintstone bed is replaced tonight with sleeping on a cloud

It was less flintstony last night so I didn't toss and turn so much but still couldn't sleep. A cloud sounds wonderful

That’s just awful

I really hate people some of the time or maybe most of the time is a more honest statement.