Bipolar Check-in #40

I lost my whole post somehow and have to retype it.

Yesterday, I forgot it was my husband's birthday until he reminded me at 11 am. I had known his birthday was coming up, and bought him a card and gift (which was at home, not in Florida), but day of (when we were flying home) it slipped my mind. I accidentally took my morning meds twice yesterday, as well. Or maybe it was the day before. I don't think that played a part.

Today I feel very down in mood and my nose is running to an extreme. I started to cry at the grocery store because they didn't have a pint of heavy cream I wanted to make creme brulee as a belated birthday dessert for hubby. Hubby hugged me knowing I felt guilty. Then I felt I would vomit.

Before the grocery store today, we went to a shop to return a few things. As part of the return, I had to print and sign my name on a receipt. Next to "Customer Name:" I wrote "Customer Name" instead of my actual name. Not deliberately, but by accident. My head is somewhere other than on earth.

I am sorry you forgot your hubby's birthday. I have forgotten our wedding anniversary a couple of times. sigh

forgive yourself.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Well, today I did something that I rarely do because I'm too fearful to do it. I stood up for myself in a disagreement! I did get what I wanted(a.k.a. "my way"), and I believe it was a simple, just, and clear matter to decide upon. Anyway, things smoothed out after that and things were peaceful again. And I was pleased, "The new me!" I'm thinking! The new me that states her case clearly and simply, not simpering in deference, bowing and scraping, just the facts ma'am. I was proud of myself but...then I started getting paranoid thinking surely there must be plotting against me now! This show of normalcy is just an act while my ruin is planned! (That's a dramatic take on my thoughts, but that's the gist of it.) So much for being healed just by standing up for myself once! It's deeper than that. There's paranoia there too. ***Sigh*** Oh well, I'll need a few more hours, maybe a whole day, to check that nothing is really going on behind my back, and if I find out that I was being paranoid, then good! That means that standing up for myself was the right thing to do and all is well. Why is it hard for me to believe that standing up for myself won't be the end of the world?!? I'm scared and am tempted to go back on what I asked for just so my mind can be at peace and not worry about this anymore, but maybe that kind of behavior is what got me into this mess in the first place! I don't know, but I believe that I should not turn back, but go forward. I heard it said once, "The only way out is through!" Onward soldiers!
*Please read the post after this one for the full story. Thank you!

*Update* Well my last post wasn't ALL correct. It was motivated by my rageful self that sees injustices done to me at every turn! Now that the rage(and I didn't realize it was motivating me), I thought I was operating from a happy medium between submission and rageful anger, but I wasn't. Yes, it was technically just, but there was no love, no mercy. Just cold, hard justice. And I have to be careful of wanting justice that way, because what happens when the next person wants justice against me, it never ends! So...now after the rage flowed away and love flowed back in, I saw that I was being greedy and without kindness or understanding, so I gave back the thing I "won" in the disagreement. But guess what, now I feel I really did win, even without the thing! All is truly well now...Thank you for your patience!

Papa bear and I had a belated Thanksgiving meal tonight

Hugs to all

Today was a better day compared to how things have been lately. We drove around a beach town and stopped somewhere to eat. I'm trying not to focus too much on the past or worry too much about the future. My medications are making me a little woozy, but it could be worse.

Hugs to everyone in need!!! I hope your weekend goes well.

I feel like ****. I got a package because all Christmas presents are being mailed to me. I thought it was one for my son but it was mine from my mom. So I saw my Christmas present. I know it shouldn't be a big deal but it is. It's not something I'll forget in a month either. Maybe I just feel ****** in general. I've been nauseous all day but I'm fighting it.

Feeling very stressed. Severe pain. too.

Love to all!

I really hope things ease up for you

Glad your feeling better

You know it sucks that your sister is like this. I just don’t understand expecting expensive stuff from others ...

This time of year I legit feel sorry for men .. every freaking jewelry commercial try’s to make men... well women too feel guilted into spending money they don’t have to prove how much they love someone. Makes me furious.

I had a “friend” in high school that bought everyone gifts ( showing off) but she complained to me about all the gifts she received being junk. I said this is why I just bake cookies for gifts.. but I’m sure you complain about my gift so whatever .. but hey you ate them. LOL !

I hope you do stick to your guns and give her something small she needs to grow up. Maybe give her just a fruitcake ! lol

I hope that we’re able to get a nap in.

So you felt contaminated?? I understand it. I have a big ocd issue with germs. I worked in medical all my life so it’s a real thing. But you can make changes and rather quickly to be honest.

Ok you went out and touched a lot , so instead of staying in your clothes and ruining a possible night of sleep. Try this ..

When you come home from anywhere.. immediately jump in the shower. Get the offending clothes off and in the hamper. Scrub scrub away.

It leaves you still with a problem about germs but before you go you already know how you can take care of it once your home... control

Do you worry about germs only while out? Or at home too ? For me it’s both, so I clean daily. Bathrooms and kitchen gets cleaned daily. , control..
while I’m out I use the wipes most stores have near there shopping carts. While I’m out I remind myself over and over to not touch my face, that’s where germs can cause illness. For just the overall “ germs everywhere” I keep Purel in my car and I have a very small bottle in my purse I just refill as needed

Yes I still struggle with more concern over germs than say my husband but I know what to do to “ manage “ it.

So instead of being frozen in fear and lying on a rug in your clothes, come home take a shower and put on clean clothes.

Control... Control ... Control

Interesting dream for sure.

I’m sorry insomnia is just so stuck on you right now but I so understand it.
Flintstone bed ? Yes fitting ! Chronic insomnia makes everything feel to hard and uncomfortable

What a great job getting him to the clinic !!!! Very stressful for sure, those antibiotics will help him feel better and probably will give him energy needed to go see his Doctor

I’m so you were crying but it’s not always a bad thing.. it happens, honestly it was probably more healthy than shoving your feelings down and swallow hard. So happy you already have plans set to see M again.

How are you feeling ?? Anymore throwing up ?? I’m concerned about that considering you just started Lithium

I’m sorry you forgot but with everything that’s been going on I can see it happening.

Doubling up your morning meds could certainly cause cognitive and memory disturbances for a couple days.

Don’t beat yourself up.. take it day to day

Something must be done about your pain I hate hate hate that your just not getting a break

Much love my friend

Well I did finally get some sleep. Been stuck in my head most of the day. It happens.

I woke up with zero nausea ! yay ! So I made hot wings LOL so far I still feel fine. I adore my Airfryer !

My husband and I have been putting a bit of money away all year to cover gifts for the granddaughter birthday and Christmas. We are going to head to the town where I have to go to see some of my Doctors 1.5 hours North this week to see what we can find. About 20 , likely more people are buying for this child ( as always) so it’s hard to find something thats unlikely going to be a duplicate. We also have to factor in the size. Since we have to pack it in with our luggage in the truck, my husbands oxygen concentrator is really big. We keep the back seat empty so our dogs can stretch out as much as possible.

We are heading down the 22nd.. I can’t believe there are only 3 Friday between now and Christmas!!!

My husband and I have decided we are going to this great Cuban place as our “gifts “ to each other lol..., Hey ! When you find a great Cuban sandwich it is truly a “ gift” we always get each other a card, feelings and hugs not gifts are more important

I do have the run by Social security and get the number to call to compare drug plans, my premium is going from 4.95 a month to 31.00 ??? Eeek... so I need to get on the phone and review our options when it comes to both our plans, it’s a pain in the butt. But I can’t find that number anywhere so going in person will be much faster than calling them.. one perk of living in a small town, but I have to drive to town to have a signal for my cell in order to make the call , so there’s the down side to small town and living in the middle of no where lol

So just a reminder to anyone that also needs to review there insurance plans. Time is running out

Hugs and calorie free cookies to all ~

Christina, I'm glad you slept.

Oh Christina it's good to hear that you slept and woke with no nausea! That's great!

Yeah, my exhausted dreams are always interesting.

Yay!!!!! You finally slept!How did it happen? did you take anything? do anything differently?
I am very happy for you.
and no nausea!!!!!! glad the air fryer sounds perfect.
Thank you so much for your support.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

@~Christina do you have internet access at home or do you just use your phone's data plan? You can go to medicare.gov to compare plans also. That's what I did.

Thank you Christina. I'm sorry that you have a fear of germs too, but I'm glad you've come up with ways to manage "it" so that it doesn't manage "you"! In hindsight, I definitely should have just jumped in that shower when they left and had a good night's sleep and let tomorrow take care of itself. What stopped me from showering was that I knew they would be back the next morning with breakfast and that I would have to shower again, so I thought I'd save myself the trouble of showering twice by sleeping in my clothes. Boy was that a mistake!!! The leason learned here is to take it literally one day at a time, even if it means two showers in two days!
P.S. To answer your question, I'm afraid of germs both when at home and when I'm out. For example, at home I can only sit on "my" chairs, and if I touch a light switch, door knob or cabinet handle I need to wash my hands, that sort of thing. And when I'm out it's the same sort of thing. Thank you for caring and sharing!

Yesterday I had to cancel my plans to go to a big family gathering. My anxiety was overwhelming. There was no way I could drive the 50 minutes each way, or feel trapped by getting a lift with my sister and kids. My family are a BIG trigger right now. Instead I curled up in a ball in bed and tried to stay safe. I also used a lot of coping skills, and some meds. Still, it was a battle.

Today has been a little better. A good friend who I haven't seen for six months came over. She is very easy to be around, and knows me very well so I didn't have to put on much of a front. She also suggested I go to hospital (my T did on Friday), but the thought of being trapped in there freaks me out. Also, I am paranoid someone will harm me in there. So I am trying to ride it out alone at home. Panic + paranoia + SI are a bad mix. Right now I am safe, but that could change any minute. I want to live. I really do. Unfortunately, when the anxiety gets extreme my thoughts get more paranoid and distorted so I get very confused as to what to do.

On Tuesday I see my pdoc. I am not happy with him right now as he ignored my crisis call last Thursday. So now I don't trust him. Another reason not to go to hospital. What can they do anyway? I can run away from hospital. They cannot save me. Only I can save myself, and I am trying so damn hard to. I am trapped. The worst feeling I could have. This makes me desperate to escape. I will not stop fighting, but I sense my time is running out. To top it off it is getting close to Christmas. Another trigger.

Sorry to be so dark. I feel I don't contribute to this forum. I feel so isolated yet struggle to interact. Maybe it's time for me to sign off for good.

Sorry for the stress and the pain. I had hoped you'd be able to just relax and enjoy your company. You're always in my thoughts. Sending you healing vibes.

Hey Wander. This new round of issues sounds difficult to deal with. I am sorry your doctor blew you off last week. That is irresponsible.

As I read your post it struck me that maybe signing off for good is the opposite of what you need to do if you want to tackle this at home alone. Perhaps you might consider an opposite approach. Maybe you can check in more regularly. Maybe get involved in the other threads offering your helpful insight and support. You have a lot of experience and it might help to distract a bit like a coping skill. Many of us leverage PC in this way.

I know you've been let down and mistreated by a lot of people in your past. Oftentimes, this was done by the people who are meant to love and protect you the most. There are no guarantees that you won't experience issues here, but we are an entire community of people who truly understand. Perhaps you can get the support you need while you work through these rough times alone if you open up more here. Like group therapy online.

You are well liked here and we all want to see you well and back to doing the things you love. Hang strong and remember your own words. 'I want to live.' 'I will not stop fighting.'

Sleep and chicken wings!