[giddykitty]

omg, I'm just fuming right now!! My husband keeps lecturing me on ways to lose weight, that I need to do it to be healthy etc. I said that this isn't really helping, it's just pissing me off and leaving me wanting to eat out of anger and resentment...He says I lack willpower...no, i'm willed to just keep eating because I'm pissed and well it makes me feel better in my stomach and my body (i don't eat till i'm sick, just to feel full and/or to feel satisfied on my palate.) I just hate him in this moment. Grrr!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Absolutely zero amount of sleep last night. Early on my turned into stone but about 4am I was able to just lay and do deep breathing and relax for a few hours. Night I don't sleep it's essential that I just lay and rest a bit to keep pain from taking over, 2020! Can not believe it's here.

Oh, Nammu--thank you so very much for sharing this! You really helped me. I am kind of in this situation, too, as you know and what you described is almost identical to what I have been doing. You made me feel like maybe my approach is okay for now. Thanks for that. I hope tonight is way, way better for you.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Wow are you saying that your coworkers used to punch you? That's terrible. I am sorry you experienced workplace bullying.

Um, well, this isn't really widely known nationally, but, um, let's just say that, yes, there was significant physical (as well, of course, as other kinds of) abuse in that surgery program. It's a whole long story. I need to tell it--for me, I do. But I have to figure out how I am going to manage my PTSD when I do it. I have kind of dissociated and hidden it away in a steel box with a giant lock on top. I tend to pretend like it never happened and that it was my fault. Opening it up is scary. But that wasn't directed at you--it was directed at me.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

That is just horrible what happened to you! I hope that that the abusive behavior has since stopped. If they did it to you, they've likely done it to others.

I know that the worst part of workplace or school abuse or bullying is that people have to be there during the majority of the best hours of the day. I remember getting home from extreme stress at work (not so much abuse, but severe stress) and drinking to self medicate.

Thank you, BridDancer. There is new leadership there. I am hopeful that the new generation has more insight into sort of the nature of humanity and that surgeons are not machines with no feelings or lives. And yes, I never had a substance issue until the end of my time there. That is where it all originated. Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing. It helps me a lot. I am somehow going to have to figure out how to slowly let this out. I am working on it.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I asked my friend to do something today and she said yes. Well I then said I'd like to meet her hedgehog thatshe loves so much. So she im's me a map of where she lives but I can't wrap my brain around exactly what streets connect to what streets to get me there even THOUGH I have a map that I can zoom in on in front of my face! Directions FAIL! So I just cancelled going to her place and asked if she'd just meet me at Starbucks. She said yes.

OMG! Hedgehogs are precious!! I want one. I wonder if they would let me have one in my building...

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’m sorry Vanderbilt has left you with bad memories. It’s always been my IP and they have a wonderful program and top notch psych staff, well except that one horrible asshat.

I hope 2020 brings you stability and joy

Thank you, Christina. Even though I did my surgery residency there and it was misery, my medical school years there were by far the happiest 4 years of my life. So, Vanderbilt actually holds a treasured place in my heart. It wa magic. All of which makes what they did to us later even harder. My Derm residency, which I did later at Oregon, was just lovely, so, somehow, on the whole, my overall medical training was probably a net plus. But maybe that's codependent denial...

That said, by far the best rotation in medical school there was Psych. Everyone agreed on this. I just loved it. Should have gone into psychiatry...

Sorry about dealing with the asshat--outstanding term, btw. Hopefully, she/he has been sacked.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Um, well, this isn't really widely known nationally, but, um, let's just say that, yes, there was significant physical (as well, of course, as other kinds of) abuse in that surgery program. It's a whole long story. I need to tell it--for me, I do. But I have to figure out how I am going to manage my PTSD when I do it. I have kind of dissociated and hidden it away in a steel box with a giant lock on top. I tend to pretend like it never happened and that it was my fault. Opening it up is scary. But that wasn't directed at you--it was directed at me.

I am so sorry you experienced that. I am sure it is difficult to talk about and did not mean to pry into it at all. I hope in time you find a way to heal. I know there's a problem with bullying in residencies and also in healthcare in general, but this sounds especially terrible. I think residents need to be treated much better. I worked in healthcare in the past (not as a resident) and that is also where I experienced bullying, but not anything to that degree.

I feel like the holidays dragged me down. I am starting to feel a little like I have a figurative 100 lb weight chained to my leg. Well, not so much that, as a weight on my brain. I guess it's aka "freeze fatigue". My husband wants me to finish helping him with something. In reality, it's not that big of a job at all, but I'm dreading starting it all the same. Dreading. I'll set an alarm reminder as a fire under my butt.

It's not that I've none nothing these past few days. I have helped hubby quite a bit, cooked a lot of nice things, and finally cleaned up the kitchen. We went on some short walks. The kitchen was like a perpetual disaster area these past few days. Hubby helped a bit, but I did most of the clean up. I'm at a point where I don't want to cook so as to not create any dirty dishes and pans. If I could get away with serving some quicky meal on a paper plate, I would.

Tomorrow I finally get my hair colored and cut. The grays are really showing at my roots. Yea, not a biggy deal, but when I see it, I really feel aged. Next week, I see my psychiatrist and therapist after about four weeks. I almost wish I could grab my pdoc and give him a huge hug, but touching is not allowed.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

OMG! Hedgehogs are precious!! I want one. I wonder if they would let me have one in my building...

Maybe! There are hedgehogs on facebook. They do require attention and care and live about 3 years- i think.
I could be misremembering. I

Had a bad night last night, but I made a thread about it, so I won't go into details on that. Otherwise, I'm doing okay.

I'm keeping myself preoccupied by watching some new TV shows and movies that I bought not too long ago. I guess the TV shows I want to see just aren't on Netflix, HBO, Prime, etc., so I bought their physical copies on blu-ray, but I got them used to save me some cash.

In other news, I renewed my apartment lease today. Rent went up by $32 a month, which isn't a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. It sucks, of course, but they didn't raise my rent last year, so I can't complain about the $32 a month increase. Most other places around here (according to reviews) will jack up the price by $75 or more every year. If we average things out, my place has done the equivalent of increasing by $16 a year. Not even close to $75.

I rewrote 6 pages worth of my personal crap. I can’t encompass it well enough to express it to someone else. There is just too much and too much context and avenues coming together for me to paint the picture clearly. I’m just not a good enough writer to put my thoughts into order and express them well.

I second guess why I even consider posting this. Maybe it helps me, but exposing my life’s issues is a personal and vulnerable thing that I really am afraid to do, even to strangers sometimes. Just keep me in your mind, ok? Send some good vibes or whatever. Things are going pretty rough.

Thanks,
Marcus

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I feel like the holidays dragged me down. I am starting to feel a little like I have a figurative 100 lb weight chained to my leg. Well, not so much that, as a weight on my brain. I guess it's aka "freeze fatigue". My husband wants me to finish helping him with something. In reality, it's not that big of a job at all, but I'm dreading starting it all the same. Dreading. I'll set an alarm reminder as a fire under my butt.

It's not that I've none nothing these past few days. I have helped hubby quite a bit, cooked a lot of nice things, and finally cleaned up the kitchen. We went on some short walks. The kitchen was like a perpetual disaster area these past few days. Hubby helped a bit, but I did most of the clean up. I'm at a point where I don't want to cook so as to not create any dirty dishes and pans. If I could get away with serving some quicky meal on a paper plate, I would.

Tomorrow I finally get my hair colored and cut. The grays are really showing at my roots. Yea, not a biggy deal, but when I see it, I really feel aged. Next week, I see my psychiatrist and therapist after about four weeks. I almost wish I could grab my pdoc and give him a huge hug, but touching is not allowed.

HI BirdDancer,
I have had you on my mind, wondering how you are doing. I see you are not feeling as energetic as you had been feeling.

I am feeling very similar. I am sooo tired! I am sleeping, too. In fact, I want to sleep day and night. I am having difficulty focusing on tasks due to the overwhelming need to sleep. It's a real bummer, as I have lots that needs ongoing attention right now! I am trying to read documents and I am drifting off every minute or sooner. I have drifted off three times while just writing this post to you!

I am staying in today. I would not trust myself to drive safely today.

You do a lot in the kitchen. You do such a wonderful job, too,. It totally makes sense that you'd like a break from "kitchen duty" for awhile!

I sometimes resort to Lean Cuisine or Healthy Choice meals for dinner when I am super busy or am super tired. Sometimes, I thaw food I have previously prepared and I have kept in the freezer.

I am starting a higher protein, lower carb diet soon and will need to cook more, as I will have to keep up with the protein demands. I have done this in the past and I have needed much more protein for the first 2 weeks or so, while adjusting to cutting back on carbs. I usually cook protein in larger batches, depending upon whether I am doing this dietary modification alone or not.

I hope you get the breaks you would like at this point. I have not been here at PC as much lately; yet, I think I recall you have been quite busy. Maybe a break would be just what you need?

Much Love!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

I rewrote 6 pages worth of my personal crap. I can’t encompass it well enough to express it to someone else. There is just too much and too much context and avenues coming together for me to paint the picture clearly. I’m just not a good enough writer to put my thoughts into order and express them well.

I second guess why I even consider posting this. Maybe it helps me, but exposing my life’s issues is a personal and vulnerable thing that I really am afraid to do, even to strangers sometimes. Just keep me in your mind, ok? Send some good vibes or whatever. Things are going pretty rough.

Thanks,
Marcus

Hi Marcus, I am sorry you are having such a tough time.

I have periods of time when I find it incredibly difficult to express myself, my ideas, etc. I feel very upset with myself when this happens. I can also start to feel "isolated" simply because I am feeling unable to relate/share.

When I have had difficulty piecing together info/ideas, I have written each piece of info on a 3x5 card. I then shift them around to see which sequence makes the most sense to me.

Considering what you share about how you are feeling, I think you have done very well to share all you have shared in your post.

You will share more if/when you are ever ready to do so.
Until then, no worries.

I hope to see you continuing to post, letting us know how you are getting on.
Please be kind to yourself and take excellent care.

@MarcusAurelius: Sorry to hear things are not going well. Sending good vibes.

In my own news, things are lousy too. I'm depressed.

Possible trigger:

Seven days til the anniversary of my most serious suicide attempt.

It'll be 21 years. January is always a hard month for me. Music is about the only thing i enjoy. And Coke Zero. And coffee. Hey -- i guess there are a few things at least.

[Nammu]

Wel the tree is down and put away. I only got a couple hours sleep last night so I'm dragging. My body temp gets out of wack when I don't sleep, I get over heated doing the most simple things. I got to pee constantly too. I'm just too old for not sleeping anymore.

Mum is watching more western shows. After my dream of last night I don't need to be watching more western shows. Men and a woman were riding little horses, not ponies but mini horses. I didn't have a horse but I was expected to get the cattle rounded up and moving. Man were those some big steers with impressive horns. I was afraid to get close to them. Multiple cattle were lying down and I had to lean in and shake a rag at them to get them going. Then they went the wrong way, all of them running. That was scary.

I always thought everyone dreams in details. But you all express amazement. I get so jealous of people who can sleep. All my life I've chased sleep and it remains elusive. Mum could never get me to take naps so she settled for me doing quite time with books and toys. Maybe my dreams are so detailed cause I get so little sleep that my brain has to cram everything in?

Last night my cat came to see why I was tossing and turning, I told him I was trying to sleep. Then Yoda's words appeared to me. No try, just do. I wondered out loud how does one DO sleep. That would be lovely. To say I'm going to sleep, and then sleep!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@MarcusAurelius: Sorry to hear things are not going well. Sending good vibes.

In my own news, things are lousy too. I'm depressed.

Possible trigger:

Seven days til the anniversary of my most serious suicide attempt.

It'll be 21 years. January is always a hard month for me. Music is about the only thing i enjoy. And Coke Zero. And coffee. Hey -- i guess there are a few things at least.

I am sorry you are going through this.

How do you get though the anniversary day?

Do you use light therapy in these winter months? I am not implying that you should do so; I am just interested in if a lot of people on this forum use them.

Have you been participating in Scrabble competitions?

I'm getting a little funky myself, feeling like I am getting depressed rather quickly, but maybe it has been coming on.

I, of course, hope you will feel better soon. I know it often takes much longer for all of us.

Glad you have checked in!

[MissDenim]

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling kind of meh, today. Yesterday was somewhat okay. I updated my blog and I watched my friend's livestream. Updating my blog was my goal for yesterday. Today, I have to be a little productive and do the dishes. That's my goal for today. I might be a little depressed because the meds haven't kicked in yet. I also didn't sleep last night. I've calculated that if I started my new meds right after Christmas (which I did), they will kick in during the first week of February, probably.

Edit: Typed in wrong month...

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Wel the tree is down and put away. I only got a couple hours sleep last night so I'm dragging. My body temp gets out of wack when I don't sleep, I get over heated doing the most simple things. I got to pee constantly too. I'm just too old for not sleeping anymore.

Mum is watching more western shows. After my dream of last night I don't need to be watching more western shows. Men and a woman were riding little horses, not ponies but mini horses. I didn't have a horse but I was expected to get the cattle rounded up and moving. Man were those some big steers with impressive horns. I was afraid to get close to them. Multiple cattle were lying down and I had to lean in and shake a rag at them to get them going. Then they went the wrong way, all of them running. That was scary.

I always thought everyone dreams in details. But you all express amazement. I get so jealous of people who can sleep. All my life I've chased sleep and it remains elusive. Mum could never get me to take naps so she settled for me doing quite time with books and toys. Maybe my dreams are so detailed cause I get so little sleep that my brain has to cram everything in?

Last night my cat came to see why I was tossing and turning, I told him I was trying to sleep. Then Yoda's words appeared to me. No try, just do. I wondered out loud how does one DO sleep. That would be lovely. To say I'm going to sleep, and then sleep!

Your dreams are quite entertaining!
They must seem incredibly real to you?

Some say we create our dreams. If so, you are incredibly creative!

Sleep! Why is it so complicated?

If I am anywhere but in bed, I cannot stay awake. Once I go to bed, I cannot sleep! Maybe I should try sleeping on the sofa?

Happy Trails!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by MissDenim

Hi everyone,

I'm feeling kind of meh, today. Yesterday was somewhat okay. I updated my blog and I watched my friend's livestream. Updating my blog was my goal for yesterday. Today, I have to be a little productive and do the dishes. That's my goal for today. I might be a little depressed because the meds haven't kicked in yet. I also didn't sleep last night. I've calculated that if I started my new meds right after Christmas (which I did), they will kick in during the first week of April, probably.

Hi MissDenim,

Do you find it helpful to set daily goals?
Sometimes, I set them and then I miss the mark!

The first week in April seems far off to me. I hope you are able to get some positive effect much sooner.

Great to have you posting!

[Nammu]

Yeah, sleep is so complicated. I'm tired and my eyes want to close but like you, I go to bed and I'm wide awake. I use bed for nothing but sleep, rest and reading, but despite that I often see it as a torturous chamber. Back when I was on all the pain meds plus Ambien I did sleep when I went to bed but woke up often in pain. At least now the pain is more tolerable than it was back then.

[MissDenim]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi MissDenim,

Do you find it helpful to set daily goals?
Sometimes, I set them and then I miss the mark!

The first week in April seems far off to me. I hope you are able to get some positive effect much sooner.

Great to have you posting!

I'm just now starting to set daily goals. I think I've started to in the past and they somewhat helped, sometimes I leave it until the next day because I just want a lazy day. But I am trying again with them.

Also, I meant to type February... April does seem far off. I had just edited my post when you responded.

[Blue_Bird]

Hey guys, doing well. Have lots of energy and motivation, getting stuff done. I went to the laundromat today and a couple stores for some food. No problems with the wellbutrin increase so far, thankful because med adjustments/changes always make me nervous.

Waiting for my background check to be completed for the new apartment, hopefully that is finished soon. It looks like I may be moving there in February if everything goes well.

My new year is off to a great start already.

Going grocery shopping tomorrow, need to get some healthy stuff in the house. Not much else planned for the rest of the week. Might hang out with a friend on the weekend for something to do. Have some more cleaning to do as well.

Hope everyone is doing alright

[Nammu]

Oh, I hope you get that apartment it sounds nice. May the paperwork be a breeze

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Hey guys, doing well. Have lots of energy and motivation, getting stuff done. I went to the laundromat today and a couple stores for some food. No problems with the wellbutrin increase so far, thankful because med adjustments/changes always make me nervous.

Waiting for my background check to be completed for the new apartment, hopefully that is finished soon. It looks like I may be moving there in February if everything goes well.

My new year is off to a great start already.

Going grocery shopping tomorrow, need to get some healthy stuff in the house. Not much else planned for the rest of the week. Might hang out with a friend on the weekend for something to do. Have some more cleaning to do as well.

Hope everyone is doing alright

Hey!
How exciting!

I hope all works out perfectly!

[MissDenim]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Hey guys, doing well. Have lots of energy and motivation, getting stuff done. I went to the laundromat today and a couple stores for some food. No problems with the wellbutrin increase so far, thankful because med adjustments/changes always make me nervous.

Waiting for my background check to be completed for the new apartment, hopefully that is finished soon. It looks like I may be moving there in February if everything goes well.

My new year is off to a great start already.

Going grocery shopping tomorrow, need to get some healthy stuff in the house. Not much else planned for the rest of the week. Might hang out with a friend on the weekend for something to do. Have some more cleaning to do as well.

Hope everyone is doing alright

Wow, good for you! I hope you get the apartment!