My therapist unintentionally made me feel bad

My therapist unintentionally triggered me today when she brought up the fact I choose not to socialize. Now I'm left thinking about why I've chosen not to socialize. I am left thinking about all those times I was nice to everybody and they treated me like trash in return. Making fun of me, calling me stupid, telling me I'm ugly... Also, people asking me for favors and never giving anything in return, not even a simple "thank you" (which is all I care about really). Then all of my so-called "friends" in school ganging up on me at the same time and going from 12 "friends" to 0 in a heartbeat. You get it.

I don't know if my bipolar has interfered with my social relationships or if I am just a socially awkward person. Either way, i feel bad now.

It's like no matter how hard I try to make friends, no one likes me. That's why I haven't bothered trying to make friends for years now. It's like... why put yourself through that when you've been through that four separate times? Four times is not a coincidence. Maybe you can relate?

Hi bluebicycle. I definitely relate, and think it was ignorant that your therapist said what she said. If I could advocate on your behalf, I would have a good talk with her to educate her on this subject.

I do not have a diagnosis of social anxiety, but I do have some symptoms of it with some people. Like you, mine developed as a result of various social rejections, especially in my youth. In another thread, a couple days ago, I mentioned how I often put a glass wall between myself and certain other people (not all). It's all related to trust issues because I was burned so many times in painful ways by certain people. The glass wall, itself, deters certain people from getting close to me, or wanting to. My bipolar disorder behavior has also been harmful in terms of developing and maintaining relationships. If a therapist told me it was simply "my choice", I would react similarly as you have. It's really no different than telling depressed people that they have a choice to be happy. Or an anxious person that they have a choice not to be anxious. Such statements sound more like ones who come from a family member that knows nothing about mental illness. It's rather shocking if/when such a statement comes from a mental health professional. It makes me wonder if her statement is born from poor training or from her own issues. Or both.

It's my belief that BP does affect our social interaction. At least, I know it affects mine. The few friends I have are women I've known from early school years. So we've been friends for over fifty years. And I have one friend I met twenty years ago. But even those friends are not people I'm extremely close to.

Every time I attempt to make a new friend it just doesn't happen. And I admit that I don't really want to make new friends. Honestly, I prefer my own company. And it's challenging enough to deal with my own mind, let alone having to cope with someone else's.

Something else that bothers me is when a friend doesn't communicate with me that much, then she has a sudden crisis in her life, calls me crying and begging me to call her because I'm "the only person" she wants to tell her troubles to.

Well, I appreciate the compliment, but she is always too busy or distracted to listen to my problems. I resent always being this person's therapist. Usually, that's the way my friendships go...me listening to someone's problems.

Anyway, I apologize for the vent.

Will you mention to your therapist how you feel about her comment? I think it would be very important for you to do so. You were triggered probably because her comment about your "not choosing" to socialize is a painful place for you. Maybe you feel guilty, or inadequate, or some other feelings that need to be dealt with?

I understand why that is triggering blue. A therapist said similar to me (although in that case I think it was intentional..)
I too would talk to the therapist about it. I also wonder whether that statement came from poor training or her own issues. (or both) Grrrrrr….

My T asked me if I'm okay with not having friends. She said some people don't want or need friends. She knows I count PC as friends and says for some people are okay with that. Are you okay with your level of socialization?

Sorry to hear that happened. Being triggered is no fun, even if it was unintentional.

Can you talk to your therapist about this? Hopefully your therapist is open enough to listen to you about this.

I am not very social. I find that having BP, anxiety, and depression distances me from other people and at times I don't like myself. What I am working on is being a friend to myself. A compassionate, caring friend to myself. A friend who will advocate for myself to my mental health and health providers. I find this challenging and sometimes I can do it, and sometimes not so much. But I try to remember it as a goal. When I am friendly with myself, my interactions with others seems to go better, too.

It is easier for me to advocate for others than for myself...

May we all be caring and compassionate to others and to ourselves in the New Year!

Wow. This post reminds me so much of myself, and I've had a therapist say the same thing in the past and can definitely understand why this would trigger you.
If you feel comfortable enough telling your therapist that the comment hurt you, then maybe it could strengthen the therapeutic relationship. Hopefully your T will try to understand more of where you are coming from and validate you moving forward. Based on personal experience and hearing from others, I understand why having Bipolar could interfere with social interactions, especially combined with being let down (and/or traumatized) by others. It's difficult to break the cycle. It is not your fault, and it is entirely up to you as far as how much or how little you choose to socialize. There is no right or wrong. Readiness is often a factor too, especially since you've gone through some negative experiences with others in the past. But there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. You are not alone.

HI Blue!

Oh No! This has been a triggering topic for you for quite sometime. We have chatted about this a few times because your T has brought up this topic. I think she would know by now that this is a trigger for you? It may be that she does know yet thinks you need to address this in therapy? Is she just saying this (as in just stating this) or is she asking questions of you in order to understand your viewpoint?

It is also possible she is thinking of some therapeutic goals for 2020. If she was doing so and has not mentioned this, it may be that she is (in her own head) identifying areas to work on in 2020. Even when we might not set goals with a therapist, some insurers insist upon goals and a plan in order to continue reimbursement for therapy.

Additionally, some insurers insist on an practitioner "rating" a client by using the Global Level of Functioning Scale (GAFS).
That scale is here: https://www.albany.edu/counseling_center/docs/GAF.pdf

I know my pdoc has to use this with me at least twice a year, for my insurer.
She also had to use it for the SSDI application/review process.

Some practitioners think of their client's current GAF standing, and identify some therapeutic goals for their client, by going over this assessment tool. As you may know, a part of this assessment, on any level, is socialization. Your T may or may not use this scale. Your insurer may or may not demand she rate your standing/behavior/current status by using this tool.

I, personally, do not agree with the use of this tool. Upon review, you may notice scenarios can be very different than as noted in any one place on the scale. While someone may have some deficits in some areas, they may not have deficits in another area. I feel like this tool does not allow for these differences, which can be marked. This does not provide an accurate picture of all areas of one's life, in my very humble opinion.

I realize we have an "online" relationship with you. For whatever it is worth, you are one of my favorite people with whom to interact.
You have many interpersonal skills when we interact. You are also very intelligent and insightful, while never looking down upon anyone else.
I find you as very friendly, very interesting, very helpful, very charitable and more. You also have a great sense of humor.
I have seen a picture of you and you are very good looking/pretty

Kids can be incredibly mean. They cannot understand the amount of long-term grief they may cause someone.
The names/negative qualities attributed to you by others, when you were a child, are potentially very devastating.

These friends/others who told you lies about yourself no longer carry any weight in your life now.
Do you think you might be able to consider what you think of yourself and your qualities and maybe work on overriding those "old tapes?"

When I was a kid, my brothers continuously told me I was "fat," "ugly," "stupid," and more. Not only was I deeply saddened by this, I became "phobic" about going out to meet friends, overall socialization, etc. It really affected me in a huge way, for many years. At some point in my life, I'd happened to see some pictures of myself when I was younger. I was not "fat." I was not "ugly." My report cards showed me I was not "stupid." I gave this a fair amount of thought, wondering if I could believe my own perceptions of myself over and above all I had been told by jerky brothers for many years. I'd made a concerted effort to believe in my perceptions of myself for a change.

One of the ways we get to "know ourselves" is through establishing friendships while we take note of what others are reflecting back to us. Present day interactions might tell us the former (childhood) cruel feedback is not true.
When we limit our friendships/interactions, we may not get the feedback we may need to better understand our many attributes.

Personally, I am thrilled to have a chance to interact with you, as we sometimes do, in an ongoing basis, when we both have the time to do so.
You are very intelligent, insightful, kind/compassionate, FUNNY, pretty, wise, need I say more?
I hope you can set aside those negative "tapes" of foolish children in a way, and at a time, most helpful to you!
I hope you can set those aside even if you decide to not increase your socialization. It's important to believe "newer"/"current" and much more accurate feedback instead.

I am sorry you were triggered today. I am around if you need to "talk," anytime.

Much Love and Admiration ~

I definitely relate and have social anxiety, probably for similar reasons because I was excluded and sometimes picked on growing up. I have also had some workplace bullying I think. I struggle to make friends in general and to interact in the workplace. I do have a few close friends, but it is quite a lot of work for me outside of those people and I worry about not being liked or being made fun of, etc. I am working on it, but it's hard. I mentioned the issue to my therapist once, and she said that kids can be just plain mean, but if it's an issue as an adult that I am struggling with, to maybe ask someone I am close with what they notice about my social interactions that I might be missing. I asked a friend I'd known for a few years and they said they thought my interactions were pretty normal, but they said that another friend who met me commented I was very quiet. I think I am feeling so awkward and like people might not want me around so I barely talk sometimes. I think there are probably other things I do that impede my social interactions, so might need to ask some more friends. I am sorry that what your therapist said was triggering. I can understand why it would be hurtful. I agree with other that maybe you should tell your therapist.

I think this is a great statement!!!

I appreciate this. I do think some people desire none or just a few friends. Some enjoy the closer-knit experiences of a smaller group.

Contrary to what some people think, having a lot of friends around so often can mean the person(s) is not dealing effectively with relationships. When people want to get lost in the crowd, they are often not coping well with individual relationships.

Just my two cents! Love Ya!

Thanks, @BirdDancer.

My therapist sometimes says things she shouldn't, but it always seems by mistake, as I don't think she realizes how she is saying things. For example, one time she bluntly said, "you probably have no friends because of your flat affect and flat vocal tone. It makes them think you're uninterested in them."

Anyway, I think your glass wall analogy is perfect! I can definitely relate to that.

My therapist has a PhD and she is 42, so I assume she has the proper training...? So I'd venture to say her comments come from her own issues.

Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

Yeah, you're right @BethRags that I should mention to my therapist how I feel.

I did mention in the past all of my social issues... like in great detail. So, she is definitely aware of what had been going on throughout my adolescence. That is why her comment yesterday came as a shocker.

Also, no need to apologize for the rant. I can relate to having people beg for support, only to never return the favor when you need it the most. It is frustrating and hurtful. I am sorry you had to experience that too.

I'd like friends in real life, but I am too beat down to want to make them again. Like, every time I try, I get rejected at some point, usually in very hurtful ways.

I have come to peace with the fact I won't have any friends in real life. (I know I won't have them because I won't bother trying to make them.) At least I have some people online who I can talk to.

I think that is a brilliant statement! That we should be compassionate and caring friends to ourselves. Thanks for sharing that.

Yes, it is possible that my therapist had ideas in her mind and didn't clearly communicate them to me. That is certainly a possibility.

I have heard of GAFS before and I think I did it *once*, but I usually have to fill out a brief survey every 6 months or so that describes how I am functioning in the moment. (It's like 10 questions.)

I am sorry to hear that your own brothers beat you down like that. I can only imagine how hurtful that must be.

Anyway, thank you for your kind words, @Wild Coyote!!

Good Morning @bluebicycle! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Hello, bluebicycle.

I hope you talked with your therapist about your thoughts and feelings as related to the therapist's triggering you. You are the patient, which means you are in the driver's seat concerning what you get out of your sessions. With this in mind, I think it's appropriate for you to ask what motivated the therapist to say what was said. And I think it's also appropriate to let the therapist know how you took what the therapist said. It's a way to get clarification as to what happened from both of your points of view.

I'm new and hope that what I've written to you is acceptable. I have a concern that I'm going to be writing (saying) the wrong thing to other members here, and it's the very last thing I'd want to do. I really want to be supportive and I also need the support of others.

Please let me know if I've triggered you. I didn't put the warning trigger icon at the beginning of my comment. What I've written to you is something that I've been trying to do with my own therapist. For me, it's amazing how things changed in the sessions for my having discussed what I thought and felt were inappropriate.

For sure, I wish you well and I hope that this new year, 2020, brings into your life the kinds of things that are what you need and want as you continue to progress upon your life's pathway.

Sincerely and respectfully,

Coxhere

Hi Wild Coyote,

Your response to bluebicycle has made me think about the types of personalities that we human beings have. I'm specifically thinking about the extrovert - introvert dyad. And I'm thinking of the definitions that say the extrovert is one who obtains energy via interacting with others and the introvert is one who loses energy via interacting with others. And the opposite is also true. The extrovert loses energy when left to her/his internal resources and the introvert gains energy via being on one's own and left with and to one's own self. Neither is "wrong" nor is one "better" than the other. Both are needed in a society to keep it balanced.

I sometimes think that I'm "inferior" because I don't jump right into a social gathering and quickly become the one around whom all others flock and from whom everyone wants attention. This is not who I am, it's not who I want to be, and for sure, therefore, I'm not ever going to become that kind of personality. But this doesn't, in any way, make me "less than." I, like everyone of us, have my own gifts, skills, and aptitudes to use within the whole of the human family. Just because, in general, our society and culture thinks being an extrovert is more rewarding does not, in any way, make this kind of thinking correct. I doesn't.

I can certainly perceive that others can dislike me and I feel bad, which brings up another one of my irrational beliefs: I can make everyone like me, all of the time, if I just DO something for which everyone will approve. Ain't ever going to happen!

Writing here makes me think of one other, last thing. I've gotten to where I like to greet others when passing along the street. Many greet me in return. However, some seem to ignore the greeting and this can be for numerous reasons. Not being acknowledged in return can make me feel bad. But then, with the help of my therapist, I decided that whether someone ever acknowledges my greeting is not so important as my remembering that my greeting of others acknowledges ME! My acknowledging others is actually acknowledging that I exist and it doesn't so much matter if the other person even realizes that I'm passing by!

I wanted to write because I hope that these few words might ignite within others their own creative spirits so as to possibly turn something that might seem negative into something positive.

HAPPY NEW YEAR every day of 2020. . . .

Coxhere

I’m so sorry this happened to you! Of all the people to trigger you, it was a t...I know that’s hard. I find personally, except in my family, my social life changes along with my illness. It always has and it sucks. I hope you find what you are looking for in regards to friendship. You deserve it.