Giddy's Thoughts #1

Hmm, that's a good question. I mean, I think at this point I already know that the main advice would be more therapy and/or psychiatric help. But I am not really sure I can do that or if I really need it (?) And considering we took a major hit to our income this year, I really don't think it's a good time to bring up the matter here. I mean, my GP supports the idea of talk therapy for me, but at this moment, I think I'm on my own. If folks have advice other than that, that's great. Might be able to try some or all of those. And as far as topics, well, I think relationship stuff ( in general, but especially my marriage), and maybe how well or not well I'm going about that from my part. I guess I would also like the reassurances and comfort when I am having a hard time or feel like I'm not being treated best at home, for instance, because I really do get a lot of criticism here already. Not that I don't ever get praised or that criticism is constant, but it's often enough to be a problem sometimes.

I'm already trying to change my sleep habits, but unfortunately next month is going to just be all kinds of weird scheduling, so might not be a great time for that. But the regular schedule goal would be sleep between 12 and 1am and wake 10am. I guess I also need to continue working on my 3 hours a day of chores (besides cooking). Again, next month and even this month are crazy for that, so I've been forgiving that. I guess I also need to make the goal of having plans to go out one or both days of the weekend which means preparing the day before (planning meals ahead of time and schedule recreation timings maybe).

I can't think of anything else off the top of my head. Hmm.

Maybe somehow keeping up with this writing stuff, but just not have it take up too much time. Think that will be easier when I don't have to bother with tracking my words though (that's only for this month and maybe Julys and/or Novembers)

I can't remember your income situation or if I said this or not, so please excuse me if I'm repeating myself (as it's not intentional)...

Do you qualify for community mental health programs? Many cities in the U.S. will have community mental health centers where they offer free or low-cost services to patients who cannot afford them. Even if you live in a rural area and there isn't a community mental health center in your town, there is a chance one of your neighboring towns has one. It's worth checking them out.

If you do not qualify for community mental health programs, there are always free support groups. fern46 had posted some support groups (e.g., DBSA) that are currently offering online group sessions during this "crisis." Free groups are always great. PLUS, there is the Crisis Text Line you can contact. Just to be clear (since not everyone knows this), the Crisis Text Line isn't *just* for suicidal ideation or bad depression. You can also text them if you're having a bad panic attack, psychosis, etc.. They're just there if you need a listening ear, and they can point you to resources they think you might find helpful.

I think support groups may be a good option for you. I mean, you do like this site, don't you? It sounds like you get a lot of support here, which is awesome. And with DBSA, etc., you can talk to real people too who are going through the same thing.

Hugs, I hope you're doing ok

Actually, I'm really not doing ok tonight. Frustrated, a bit angry, and just sad! Ugh! I was going to type it all out, but it probably won't do me any good. Maybe hubby was right, I am unfixable! :/

Btw, and kinda unrelated to the above, but yet another frustration. I looked into the support groups site but I don't want to do anything showing my face or using my voice. I cancelled my account just as soon as I created it. Sigh! As I said, unfixable!

Feeling hopeless. :/

I don't think anyone here is unfixable. The point is to keep trying. keep growing.

Can you say a bit more about why you feel “unfixable” and “hopeless”?

Is this the first time you have felt these things?

do you think they are “The Truth”

Can you remember another time you felt this way?

Can you remember the first time you felt this way?

What was going on in your environment back Then?

Much love

Because everything anyone here or my hubby suggests I have some reason or another why I can't do that. (unfixable) and hopeless because I'm trying every single day and most days it really isn't enough according to my husband. Last night and this morning, I just couldn't think of any reason why I should keep trying. Oddly enough, the fact that some folks told me I was fine and good and special just the way I am, gave me the self esteem boost to try again. I have a deep fear of failure, but when I feel a little better, I can start to stop giving so much of a crap. Still, it always bugs me when I get the criticism. And I feel hopeless because that will never likely stop. (hubby is the way he is and probably shouldn't change either (??) )

So, i kinda think it's true! i mean, if I can't do x, y, or z (and a-w) to move forward, then how am I to move forward?? :/

I can remember feeling this way before, struggling to get out of bed/feeling stuck (brainfog) and the mood, but I've never been without some hope...but I got a tiny bit of hope this afternoon, so I guess I'm feeling a little better...probably just enough time to recover until the next disappointment (grrr!!! stop negative thinking, giddy!!)

yeah, um last time I felt this way was when I was abandoned by a group of friends and I had no sympathy from my husband. This wasn't the case last night (although I am missing a couple people), but this morning when I tried to suggest hubby could try to make me feel better (hoping for a hug) he just said "I can't help you if i don't knot what the problem is...and if it's anything to do with the forum, i don't want to have anything to do with it". Truth is, he is the problem. And i feel he SHOULD support me and my forum interests if he truly cares for me as a person. I'm used to making excuses for the things he says like maybe he doesn't mean it in the truly negative sense that I take it, but IMO, he says some really hurtful things. Like he is constantly trying to correct me, but if I say something to correct him, we just end up in an argument and he tells me to be quiet...I suppose I've been learning this behavior myself and tell him that now when he lectures me. Not healthy, i know, but I don't think it's fair that I have to sit and take it when he won't give me a listen when I treat him the same way. :/ I don't know what else to do! I can't tell if he doesn't get how much it bothers me and is actually more harmful than helpful, or if he just doesn't care. And my fear is that it is the latter. But if that's the case, I'm still stuck because he provides me food, shelter, ..you know, all the essentials for survival, which i can't do on my own...and i highly doubt there is anyone else who will put up with me, nor do i want them to have to! I guess this is just my challenge I've been given in my life and as of this afternoon, i have been reminded that i need to keep fighting for sanity, but just some days (or nights) feel almost unbearable! bleh!

Hi

Maybe take one suggestion and run with it... or think of something yourself and run with it. Then it will not be true that ''everything'' anyone suggests has a ''yes but'' attached to it. What do you think?

People are less likely to get frustrated if you engage in a dialogue with them, and also take baby steps in a different direction instead of what maybe feels like spinning your wheels, with people trying to get you ''unstuck''

What do you think?

Sometimes one small positive change can lead to more positive changes

Is there one relationship with a friend you can work on to improve in some way. Reach out to someone else with kindness?

It sounds like the relationship with hubby is problematic I think this is where a therapist could be particularly helpful. I have been working on my relationship with my hubby recently without a therapist (they are very few in this forest irl...) and have had some ''success''... however it can be frustrating sometimes.

It sounds like you have some very negative self talk, which is fed by criticism from others.

And also feeling abandoned by a group of friends (that would be hurtful to everyone imo..)

Do you know who you are at your core? Or are you relying on others for feedback only? If you have no idea who you are, then moods and cognition etc will be shifted by other people when they do not ''deserve'' to have that power over you. Probably most other people are neutral. There will be some who like you and some who don't. Many will probably be neutral If you work on ''self love'' that will also be an ''achievement'' since you will then be able to offer love to others. Look up agape love.

I have spent quite a long time writing this. I hope you read it and get back to me some time. I do not have very much time to write here (as probably is true for many)

I think that in depth therapy would probably help you (as has probably been suggested by others, I haven't read all this thread). There seems to be an underlying sense of emptiness. Am I correct, or not?

Hey Fuzzy! So I've been giving this a lot of thought and probably overthinking a lot too if I'm honest. :P so hope it's helpful and makes sense and whatnot.

I "think" that I've tried this "take one suggestion...or "think of something yourself" approach, so I suppose I have to change my statement that not everything has a "yes but" But lol well, I guess I just get in these moods where I can't see anything positive or see all the success or accomplishments I've made...because...I dunno. like other people don't see it, so I feel like it's not important enough to remember or acknowledge. But I will say that I do agree one small positive change can lead to more. It's the only way I've made it this far. I was just having another bad day. :/
relationship i can improve? I don't know. Not to sound cocky, but i don't think so, because I tend to be the one to reach out first, so i feel like I've done my part. Know what I mean? If I haven't, I'd invite folks to let me know. But generally speaking, I feel I exhaust myself from overextending myself and getting nothing or little in return. Yeah, I did Google agape love though. I feel like I'm pretty loving and understanding. It's being misunderstood which I feel is the problem. :/
Like with that group of friends. I did nothing but care and they still rejected me. meh! ok, maybe I did do a little bit of passive aggressiveness with them. But they did it far worse than me. What makes it worse is that with some I didn't even realize they were doing that at the time. I thought they were being sincere and liked me, so I couldn't reject them when I probably should have or might have had I known better. Others were more obvious, but they weren't really friends. So is that who I am at my core?? Like, does the fact that I know what I need mean I know myself? I do rely a lot on my husband because if he's upset with me, life sucks. His bad mood travels to me, whether it be unintentionally or intentionally (like he has to be right about things or has to control everything that involves him. but sometimes he doesn't try to pull me in, I just do because I am naturally empathetic.) Sigh!
yeah, I don't have much time either. Kind of part of the reason I was taking a break from here because i was feeling obligated to make responses to folks and that often took me a lot of time.

I don't really have any advice. I guess my last message wasn't that helpful?

Like I said, unfixable. :/

No, I mean maybe I just don't believe that I am the problem. Or not the entire problem, but what problems I have, I am actively working on already. I just get in a funk when others (especially hubby) criticize me or make me feel bad when i make honest mistakes or don't live up to their/his expectations because I AM doing my best. I start to believe that my best isn't good enough or that it makes me a bad friend or wife or whatever. And when I try to open up about my feelings (with hubby) he tells me I've got a messed up brain for thinking like that. Even if that is true, he doesn't help by telling me this. I just want him to acknowledge and just bloody hug me when I'm feeling bad. And it wouldn't hurt if he realized and apologized once in awhile for triggering me or hurting my feelings. No, I should just "get over it". If I have a messed up brain though, I can't just "get over it"! He makes me crazy!

And if he read this now he'd very likelyget mad at all the "untruths" that are here. Excuse me, but these are MY truths! Anything that doesn't fit into his idea of the world has to be false or wrong or just "digging for problems".

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, there's my relationship with him that I'm trying to mend/work on and this is important to me. On the other hand, there's my relationship to folks on these forums, which are also important to me. But at the end of the day, when there is conflict between the two, I'm going to likely have to go with my hubby, unless I really strongly feel he's being very wrong. It's no disrespect, it's just that he's the one who's going to literally be there for me when things get rough. You know? It's not that I don't take online relationships seriously. I do very much actually and it pains me when I can't please you folks.

This is why I'm so miserable.

Why can't you have both close online friendships and your relationship with your husband?

Nobody here expects you to follow all the advice given. But there has to be some nugget of an idea that might help you. For example, distraction is a good coping skill. I am going through a very, very difficult family situation. I need to occupy my brain without obsessing over the situation. So I started learning Spanish from a free online program called Duolingo. It takes about 7 minutes per day (I can that you can make it less even). It really helps me a lot.

I'm not saying "go learning Spanish". I'm saying find a coping skill, just one for now, and use it when you get overwhelmed, or better yet when you feel you might become overwhelmed. Once you have one coping skill try to find another. (Or find other ways to distract yourself. As I try to come up with other suggestions I'm just coming up with distractions. Guess what my main coping skill is?). There are a million options out there and right now my clozapine is preventing me from thinking. Maybe someone else can add something or you can.

It's just my take that you get overwhelmed, you come here, you get more overwhelmed, you get more overwhelmed, etc. and that's just not going to help you. You really don't have to do anything big, just a little change for a few minutes per day can help.

Why do you feel that you need to please people here?

I also do not understand why you think it is an either or situation..
Why can't you have both?

Why can't you have both close online friendships and your relationship with your husband?

Well, yeah, I can and do have both my hubby and online friends, but I was just saying that if he makes a decision I'm going to respect that or support that even if it conflicts with advice from my friends...again, unless it is very wrong.

Nobody here expects you to follow all the advice given. But there has to be some nugget of an idea that might help you. For example, distraction is a good coping skill. I am going through a very, very difficult family situation. I need to occupy my brain without obsessing over the situation. So I started learning Spanish from a free online program called Duolingo. It takes about 7 minutes per day (I can that you can make it less even). It really helps me a lot.

I'm not saying "go learning Spanish". I'm saying find a coping skill, just one for now, and use it when you get overwhelmed, or better yet when you feel you might become overwhelmed. Once you have one coping skill try to find another. (Or find other ways to distract yourself. As I try to come up with other suggestions I'm just coming up with distractions. Guess what my main coping skill is?). There are a million options out there and right now my clozapine is preventing me from thinking. Maybe someone else can add something or you can.


Now the idea of coping with distractions makes sense to me. Actually that is my coping method, I just never realized it as a coping method. My therapists only ever once made a coping suggestion, despite that being my primary question for them. She suggested I journal all of my thoughts, even angry ones and curses acceptable, and share it with her. Well, the fact that I struggle with attachment issues, or at least at that time did, I eventually told her I thought this wasn't a healthy approach.

But back to distractions. Well, forums are one of my distractions. Although, I suppose in the beginning, I didn't use this completely as a distraction. It was more about active research and understanding into my experiences. But now i distract with chat and the games section. But as far as this section, well i did the journal to keep track of how i was thinking and feeling on a regular basis. Guess it was more venting or just sharing at that point and maybe it was my mistake for not making that clear...although, occasionally I would have questions.

Why do you feel that you need to please people here?

I didn't use to think that folks would be upset if I didn't heed their advice, but when I kept getting same or similar advice and sometimes even from the same few people getting frustrated until they finally just gave up on me, made me worried and on edge that every time I'd say something and get constructive feedback, it worried me that I was going to get ignored and/or reported by everyone here. Its kinda a post trauma thing.

It's just my take that you get overwhelmed, you come here, you get more overwhelmed, you get more overwhelmed, etc. and that's just not going to help you. You really don't have to do anything big, just a little change for a few minutes per day can help.

Well, that's pretty accurate. I don't think I should be so nervous coming on here. Right? Although this seemed productive...at least from my end.

Giddy, that was a great post. I want to answer but my meds are kicking in and i want to make sense. I will answer you tomorrow. I just didn't want you to feel abandoned after you really opened up there.

I haven't seen anything you've posted that needs to be ''reported'' imho. Some people may not resonate with some posts which is a different thing.... There are some posts I do not resonate with and so never reply to them

giddy, I didn't forget to reply. I had a busy day and then a bad migraine. I can't look at the screen long enough to answer now. tomorrow, I promise!

Have you tried grounding techniques? I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this in your thread (or if they would be relevant)

Not sure if it has been told to me here, but I have tried grounding techniques I learned from my adopted cousin with bipolar needing them when she'd go threw her PTSD flashbacks (she would believe she was a little girl again reliving things). Her therapist had suggested to us to give her tangible things to feel, taste, or smell (well all the senses) to bring her back to the present. I've also read that yoga or certain movements can be grounding and I regularly do yoga now.

Actually, my DBT therapist told me, before I quit, to find ways to do this and use mindfulness during stressful times. One I used was to smell the pleasant dish soap scent when doing the dreaded dishwashing chore. Not exactly sure if or how that relates really to my current situation though.

I suppose I could just reassure myself the positive affirmations when I'm feeling put down by my hubby and/or my illnesses as a grounding method? Maybe journal my thoughts (guess I kinda do that already). But I think yoga is the most comfortable to use right now.

Is this what you mean?

Btw, even my DBT therapist was frustrated with my husband. She asked my loved ones to write some positive notes about me. Mom and Dad did the exercise correctly, but hubby had to say along the lines of "She would be good if she still did the things she was good at and doing awhile back, like knitting and baking, but she just refuses to do those now". I forget the exact wording, but I still have that. Therapist said that said more about him and his hangups than it did about me. *Shrugs* I mean, it was hard to hear and i well, i just kinda laughed at first, but she got me to open up and shed a tear or two and told me it's more about him than me, which kinda reassured my self confidence.

Sigh!

Has anyone told your husband he could loose you being so hard on you?

I also think your husband is being hard on you.

My parents were only interested in me if I was ''doing things well... aka perfectly'' ... that is a very small part of a very dysfunctional pattern.....- its a long story. Even then their ''interest'' was... imo about them. I wonder if your husband shares some of those traits. I hope not. It can be very difficult for people with those traits to understand and respect others. imo

I don't agree that you ''should'' be ''doing things'' like baking and knitting etc if you do not enjoy them. Unless it's necessary to ''do those things''

We only get one life. We may as well have some fun

Actually, no. The thing is though, he knows I'm not going to leave. I have nowhere better to go. But I mean I don't want to go either. I just wish he would learn!

My parents were ok in that sense, but my Dad is pretty toxic for me in general, so I'd never be able to go back there. Actually, when I was in, what I believed to be my "hypomanic episode", I actually admitted this to him, that I'd never want to live with him ever again. Hubby was the one who made me realize how mean/wrong that was for me to say, and I agree...still, it was the truth!

Yeah, I mean I got depressed because knitting was causing me stress and pain even and baking was depressing me because I had to go gluten free and it's too difficult to bake that way, plus it doesn't taste very good either, and hubby certainly doesn't like it. He just doesn't understand depression at all, or why I wouldn't want to just cook Only for him or cook TWO separate meals or desserts.

I wonder if hubby has those traits you mention, but he claims that he doesn't "expect me to be perfect". I just need to do everything "this way" and "at this time" and whatever else he thinks is "the right way". *rolls eyes


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Know what he said to me today folks? I was telling him how happy and excited I was that I accomplished my writing/editing goal today. He told me he didn't care. I was like "why don't you care? I listen to you go on about your accomplishments and how you get praised at work and by folks and such!" His response "well, my stuff is important. You should care!" He kinda smiled so he realized I was getting him. I said "my stuff is important too. You should care!" "I don't care about your internet stuff." "But it's not internet stuff. Only reason I'm online for it, is to save it!" Then he was quiet (If I remember correctly) Somewhere along the line I also told him I was working hard on this today, so I could focus on him over the weekend while he's free/off work.

So annoying!

But the worse part was in the evening when he got upset because I was doing the dishes late because "you wasted all afternoon on writing" *facepalms (remember I told him about getting it done before the weekend?) Anyway, I had the argument that I was perfectly on time doing things, it was his fault for misunderstanding me yesterday thinking we had cauliflower when we didn't and he sprung this on me at the last minute (quickly ran out to the store). But he wasn't hearing any of it then. He was just getting mad and saying I was running my mouth and not to test him. I said I was just acting like he always does with me and he basically had some lame excuse why it was worse for me to do it than him. Grrr...