Bipolar check-in #43

@BadNews4321: I see you are new here. Welcome to the forum! I'm happy to hear that you have work you enjoy and makes you feel useful. I sure miss that from when i worked!

In my news, i started up my second hobby again today: knitting. I'm feeling very good about it. It gives me a break from Scrabble. It's nice to do something with my hands. I like the feel of the yarn. Seeing the pattern "come up" is very exciting! It's a tumbling-block pattern. A twenty-row repeat with just the right degree of challenge. I'm doing it in white which i've never used before. Onward!

Hugs to all who are suffering!

Thanks. That is good advice. I didn’t think it was anywhere near this bad until I exploded. My partner thinks it’s trauma based rage. I sense he will be ok. He actually said he was proud of me as I always repress my rage. He said he didn’t feel threatened, which is a relief.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, Moose. That must have been so difficult for you.

It is very common for people with bipolar disorder to seriously question the diagnosis, in part, because for many, it is quite episodic in nature and there are quiescent periods where everything seems great. In fact, I personally believe this quality and experience should almost be a part of the diagnostic criteria for bp (I am not entirely kidding here)--that's how common it is.

If you decide to stop all your meds, I would urge you to have a plan in place of what will happen if you have a recurrence. If you actually have the disorder and do d/c all your medication, you will almost certainly have a recurrence, likely a pretty significant one, based on all the reseatch on this topic. That is just what the data all show. Of course, some people can fly off their meds and that is great, but it is a fairly small number overall.

Sending you support!!! I support you no matter what you decide, blue. Hang in there!!!!!!!!

Why can't we get him a bicycle? I ride everywhere in my town--don't even have a car anymore.

Good for you!!!!! I worked overnights for years and years. I always found a certain weird, melancholy kind of peace in it, with it being so much quieter most of the time. Except on weekends. Terrible for my bipolar disorder, though.

Welp, got a whole hour and a-half of sleep tonight. Back at it again. It's fine. I don't even worry about it anymore.

Weird weather here, 50 mile an hour winds yesterday. Not good for the bicycle. Will try again in a few hours. It is supposed to have calmed down. Buncha people lost power. Limbs down everywhere. We do get fairly insane winds here, like, 80 mph or even more, occasionally, maybe once or twice a year, being pretty close to the coast and with the east end of the city at the mouth of the Columbia River Gorge.

Anyhow, mood is fairly stable right at the moment. Making progress on my writing project. So far, so good.

Love and hugs to all!!!!!!

Well, my dog hit the trifecta today. She can belch, fart, and snore. She also takes some time to settle in for the night. She will try to lay in different directions, with feet up and down, and even on top of me, until she finds a satisfactory position. She can have a temper tantrum if I leave her outside alone. She throws all her dogfood out of the dish with her nose, carries the dish to another place, and then leaves it upside down on the ground. Sometimes she seems like a human to me.

I think it is cool you're knitting. My Grandma did and I wish I had learned from her before she passed. Maybe I'll make the effort to pick it up on my own one day.

Yeah, I know that meds can be used "off label" to treat things like mania, but I can't help but think that Rexulti does nothing for treating mania. Plenty of people on here have said it did/does nothing for treating their mania. I know that everyone reacts to meds differently, but there is a strong pattern of people on here (and other sites) stating that Rexulti does nothing for their mania, so combined with the fact Rexulti failed clinical trials aimed at proving its efficacy in treating mania, I personally think the likelihood of Rexulti effectively treating mania is very, very low. I think I am more of a hyperactive ADHD person whose normal behavior seems "manic" compared to when they're dealing with periodic depression caused by stress and the ADHD itself... but in reality, the "mania" is just ADHD hyperactivity. (I was diagnosed with "moderate to severe ADHD" with serious hyperactivity/impulsivity issues, btw, and lots of people with comorbid ADHD and depression are incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar.)

Yeah, I'm going to express my diagnostic and akathisia concerns to my pdoc today. I'm basically going to bring up comorbid ADHD+depression vs bipolar, and see what he says. I kinda doubt he'll be helpful, though. Even though I've known him for 2 years, I feel like he hardly knows me because we have our appts so far apart and barely talk to each other during our appts.

I've read that people with ADHD oftentimes have rapid speech and racing/jumbled thoughts. Same with wanting to do lots of things at once, which is basically due to a combination of ADHD distractibility and racing thoughts. I think I was, for once, not depressed, and that my depression was masking the ADHD symptoms.

I also think the "paranoia"/"delusions" are, in actuality, an anxiety that's like a runaway train. You know how some people see shadow figures out of the corners of their eyes or darting across the room? Doctors consider that anxiety rather than psychosis. (Just an example.) I think worrying about things excessively isn't normal by any stretch of the imagination, but I do think anxiety can make you experience some weird sh_t sometimes, if that makes sense.

Yeah, I see my pdoc today because the idiotic assistant finally set up an appt for me on Monday (today) as opposed to this Friday (originally). But she only did it because I told her I downright refuse to take rexulti anymore. I put my foot down and gave her a flat out NO to make the point that I'm not going to argue with her anymore.

I just feel like I have straight up anxiety rather than paranoia (in thinking about all of this).

Hi blue, I am very concerned about you.

I see you are circling back to the ideas and the arguments you tend to embrace when you are becoming ill.

This idea that you suffer from ADHD and anxiety (only) is truly nonsensical. As fern has suggested, please review your posts if you are interested in knowing the truth about what does go on for you.

You are currently showing signs of a lack of insight. You have cycled back into this period of denial of the severity of your illness. You tend to revisit these ideas and this state of mind again and again, enough so some of us recognize this as a part of your illness and part of your cycling when you stop meds and/or need a med tweak.

You've told us all about your severe paranoia. You have told us of these voices, both a male and a female, who both instruct you to do certain things, usually things like: Instructing you to take your life, telling you that you are stupid, and the list goes on.

You have reported having federal agents surrounding your home and have been scared to death for days/nights on end.

You have repeatedly been convinced it is your mission to save the world, about which you are delighted': yet, you suffer great distress trying to figure out how to execute your lofty mission.

You have told us about much more than I have listed here.

this is much more than an attention deficit and/or an anxiety issue.

I cannot blame you for wanting to deny your illness.
It's tough to accept and to deal with.

You are very bright. Your life holds a lot of promise. You current job, as well as your overall work history are very important. You live on your own and cannot afford to lose your job.

You have repeatedly told me that you do not want people around you to know about your illness. It's important you ask for help now. Should you lose control, there would be no way to guarantee your privacy .

So, yes, I am very concerned. I am totally convinced you are becoming increasingly ill, according to what YOU have reported to us, repeatedly.

I hope you'll truly consider all your friends here have written to you, in hopes of keeping you safe and as well as possible. We have no reason to lie to you. We do care very much about you, Blue.

What about it? How can you discount all your friends are expressing to you?

I'm hoping you'll seek help.
I love you!

Is mood and how you're feeling the same thing?


My mood is dropping. I feel bad about myself that I spend so much time online...but bad that I have nothing irl that matters much to me...although I will be going to visit some kitties today! Sigh! But even that I don't feel as excited as I should. I'm tired. Lack of sleep doesn't usually bring mood down tho, or does it? Can it? I never really thought about it!

Blue_Bird, maybe you want to consider Christina's idea. I'm sorry about kitty, but maybe your kitty will come back. I've read that they usually do remember their homes. Perhaps your neighbor could set out some food to attract your kitty.

I'm glad you will get support from your pdoc so soon. Please take care.

Welcome, BadNews4321! That's great that you enjoy your job and have mastered getting good sleep, despite late night hours.

Your dog sounds like a real funny character! Made me smile.

I was productive earlier this morning, ironing some clothes for hubby. I have a lot on my "To Do" list (grocery shopping, pharmacy, tidying up house, studying French, ideally filling pill boxes). Yesterday was fun. When hubby was out walking with his friend, I put on music and danced for much of an hour. I would like to get into dancing again more often. Maybe I'll try to do a little most days. I need the exercise.

Nice! I am not a talented dancer but it always feels great to move my body along with the music. I like to put my headphones on and damce along while I do my chores.

Enjoy the rest of your day BirdDancer.

^^This^^ So well put, WC.
We care about you Blue. This is very much the pattern. And like WC says, we have no reason to lie to you. Much

Congrats on getting the move all tidied up!! I am so sorry about your kitties--that is just heartbreaking. I have no words. Maybe someday, when your grieving is less profound and immediate, you might be able to consider another cat of some sort.

Hope you are able to get off the Thorazine. It was not sedating for me, but I know it is for most. Sending you support!!

I'm so sorry. Maybe let your pdoc know that things are quite a bit worse at night. Perhaps some kind of med move could help?