[wildflowerchild25]

I mentioned in the check in a few days ago that i was upset that the governor closed the state and county parks and that my township closed our parks as well, and that masks were required to leave our houses (unless out for a neighborhood walk or on your own property). i think this is when my mental health started a slow decline. i panicked when i heard the parks were closed. every time i read the news i panic. my governor is saying we could remain in lockdown until july at the very earliest. and then what? other countries are reporting that when they opened back up, they are seeing a new spike in disease. so they have to close everything back down again. How long will this go on for? experts are saying a reliable vaccine won't be available for at least 18 months, possibly even longer, and then it will be hard to manufacture enough vaccine to distribute.

i am worried i will never see my grandparents again. what if they get sick? It is unlikely they will survive. i won't be able to go see them in the hospital.

this has all sent me into a claustrophobic, anxious rabbit hole. it's morphing slowly into depression. last week i was on spring break so i didn't have to call into work, so toward the end of the week i slept all day, even though my son was home. i literally felt chained to my bed. for a few days i couldn't sleep at night at all. i got so upset that i took 200mg trazodone and 2mg klonopin, way more that i regularly take. i was drugged for the entire next day. yesterday i was having a panic attack again and around 11pm i had to take more klonopin so i just dumped whatever was left in the bottle in my hand and took it. thankfully it was only 1.5mg. i am afraid i am going to accidentally overdose because i am so anxious/depressed and just want to sleep.

because of the depression it's causing my head to loop other negative things. i am constantly trying to figure out how much of my toxic relationship with my husband was my fault. i was trying to figure out if it was toxic or abusive and i have come to the conclusion that it was only toxic. however, there is one specific incident that i brought up on reddit because it is not forbidden there as it is on here and i was super upset by the responses. mostly because i never admitted to myself that it was what it was and the responses confirmed that it was as bad as i suspected.

i've just been in a completely negative spiral. i'm trying to pull out all my old coping skills but it's been so long that i don't even remember what they are. last night RS fell asleep super early so we didn't get to cuddle like we normally do for awhile so i felt even worse. but i didn't want to bother him. i'm being plagued with images that don't usually come until things are bad. i have urges to self harm. and i feel EVEN WORSE because even my safety net of IP is gone because of coronavirus. I know IP's are open but I read an article (there i go reading the damn news again) that many ip's are only functioning on a 50% capacity, patients are waiting in psych ERs for days without contact with family, Ip's have no visitors (as regular hospitals don't either), IP's are isolating patients instead of running groups, etc. I don't know. I don't think i would even need to go IP unless i became full on psychotic, and i have haldol for that. so i don't see why i'm so freaked out.

I "see" my therapist tonight so that's good. i have a pdoc appt sometime in may but i don't think she can help me anyway except prescribe more klonopin. i don't know if there's anything else to try for sleep and/or anxiety.

I'm not sure if you're upset that you can't go to a park or if you're just upset that everything is shutdown in general, but if you do want to go to a park... what about going on a hiking trail or a bike trail (not sure if you go biking)? Are trails closed too? Around here, they're not, but we're also not NJ or NY where the bulk of the virus cases are, so I don't know if that's the case for you. Also, usually the park is a place for large gatherings, while trails are really not.

I think if you're allowed to go on a trail of some sort, that may help you. Exercise and fresh air is great if you can get it, but I do acknowledge that it is difficult to go outside.

I do understand the concern about IP. I'm right there with you. Definitely don't want to end up there.

Now, you did say you don't remember your coping skills, so I definitely think that would be a good topic of conversation with your therapist.

[wildflowerchild25]

Most of the trails are county and/or state run so they are shut down too. Local news says state police are out patrolling and giving tickets. I think one town near me is keeping their twp parks open (the ones that are not state run) and I believe there is one park that has a trail running through it that I might try when it warms up.

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Most of the trails are county and/or state run so they are shut down too. Local news says state police are out patrolling and giving tickets. I think one town near me is keeping their twp parks open (the ones that are not state run) and I believe there is one park that has a trail running through it that I might try when it warms up.

Aw, that's a bummer. I hope you're able to try out the park that has a trail. At least you have one park that's open.

I hope you feel better soon. I wish I had more advice.

[*Beth*]

I'm glad you're posting here. I believe that the most neurotypical and stable people are feeling markedly stressed about the COVID pandemic. Which makes sense. All of our lives were turned upside down in a day.

I hope your appointment tonight is helpful. Please let us know. I'll be checking for your update

[Coffeee]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in. When I can't go outside here because of the shelter in place orders, I try to do a mental escape, whatever lets your mind free while your body can't. For me that music, and reading old science fiction.
For the concerns about going in patient that's totally understandable right now. It helped me to make a plan for what happens if I get unstable, and who to call that knows my diagnosis and symptoms and can help me take the right meds and keep me safe. I wrote down a list of my doctors, meds, and dosages and starting reminding myself of coping skills I could turn to if I got worse. I second the above poster that said it might be helpful to utilize your therapist for finding coping skills.

[*Beth*]

How are you doing?

[wildflowerchild25]

My talk with my therapist went well. I dumped out some of my thoughts regarding my marriage. I’m still depressed but I don’t feel as anxious now that I got that off of my chest. I didn’t talk about the one thing he did to me, I’m still processing that. I didn’t mention my poor decisions regarding medication use/abuse. I almost did but I didn’t want her to worry. She asked me if I thought I could go two weeks or if I’d rather schedule for one week. I opted to schedule for next week just in case my head is still not in the right space.

Turns out that my pdoc appt is not, in fact, in May and it is actually next Tuesday. So that’s good. I told my therapist that I don’t think meds are useful for situational mood shifts and she said they can be used as a crutch until the situation is brought under control. I suppose she’s right. I went on Wellbutrin when I was going through depression due to stress back in September and I wAs able to get off of it a month or so later after the source of the stress was resolved. So maybe. I’ll see how I feel next week.

I just need to keep processing the things that happened in my marriage with my therapist. And keep processing this quarantine. I’ve barely been on Facebook at all today. I should just delete the app for awhile.

[~Christina]

Im glad that your session with T was helpful.. Yes these are very trying times for everyone. So have more compassion for yourself and how your feeling overwhelmed..

Do you know why your curious about the health of your first marriage? Are you worried that the relationship with RS is much healthier and worry it might not stay so ? Im just trying to understand if you can identify whats triggering the thoughts about your first marriage.

Social distancing is just awful.. but its needed to keep everyone safe.. Im sorry your missing your grandparents Maybe they can sit outside and you can wear masks and sit 6 feet away and share a meal?? I think we all have to get creative to find ways to connect while still being safe...

I know you stopped your Haldol a while back did you restart it? Sure meds can't fix situational stuff but in other ways it helps us stay more grounded.. Just a thought ...

Hope you find some coping skills that can help you reduce anxiety and feel better

[wildflowerchild25]

oh, Christina, i just don't know why it's bothering me so much. I know that my SIL brought up the possibility of abuse with her own husband numerous times, and i have scoffed at her because my husband used to do the same ****. And then i made a reddit account, mostly to look at a couple specific subs, but then i started expanding. there were so many posts in relationship advice that sound exactly like my marriage, where the general consensus from users is "that's so toxic, you either need counseling or to get out". but i just thought it was normal relationship stuff. i went online to research, and found a relationship spectrum, I was relieved to find that abusive didn't really explain our relationship, but he had almost all the traits of a toxic spouse. It's like my marriage blew up in my face.. everything i thought was either normal or annoying at best was worse than that. i had always had a feeling after meeting RS, specifically moving in with him, that maybe my marriage wasn't as good as i thought it was, but to see it in plain text was shocking for some reason.

I mean, it should have been obvious. we were two damaged kids getting together at 19. If i had a shred of self respect i would have broken up with him a year in after he became possessive and jealous after i went to live in the dorms. Called me every night yelling at me about how i better not let any guys into my room and i better not be studying with any guys, etc. I was supposed to go to london for a week with my honors group and he wouldn't let me because i might meet some guys. that jealousy never stopped.

we were a perfect match. i was subservient, quiet, always felt the need to smooth things over. he was explosive, petty, and had a way of guilting me into seeing everything as my fault.

the best way i can describe it is from a book i read numerous times. it's called get me out of here by rachel reiland, and it documents her journey through therapy for borderline personality disorder. over the course of her therapy she vehemently denies being abused as a child, until the therapist gave her an analogy that makes her realize that she was indeed abused and her whole world falls apart. that's how i feel.

i have worries that RS will slowly morph into a monster. my husband didn't show his true colors until a year in. what if RS locks me in and I destroy him with my mental illness? my illness surely wasn't the cause of my husband and my bad relationship, it was bad from the beginning, but it made the last three years of our marriage a complete **** show. of course, so did his secret addiction. it was too intertwined to pull out who was in the wrong. we both were.

there is one specific incident, that i cannot get into on this forum for fear of triggering someone, that has been causing me considerable anguish, because if it is true (i'm pretty sure it is, but I am steadfastly refusing to see it that way), i just...i don't know what to do. last night i was up until 3:30a screaming in my head he (blank) me, he (blank) me. i thought i was about to explode. i need to bring the incident up to my therapist because i'm not finding clear info and the incident just keeps gnawing at me and has been for months now, before the quarantine even started.

i gave RS my sleeping pills and klonopin last night to keep on his side of the room. i took 100mg of trazodone and 1mg of klonopin before bed, hoping it would help me sleep, and gave him the rest because i knew i wouldn't take the chance of waking him to get more. good decision because my head was just cycling back and forth between thinking of the incident and thinking of taking the whole bottle of klonopin to put me to ****ing sleep.

i think quarantine just isn't helping. there's so much uncertainty in my life, in all aspects of my life, that quarantine just pushed me over the edge.

I thought I posted here, but either lost it or it was removed. I can't imagine the latter as my post would have been considered pleasant. Oh well! Anyway, I have found a handful of parks in my area that are still open in NJ. Non state parks. Also, though I imagine you can't find time during the work week to drive a little distance, maybe on weekends you could go to tourist towns. There are many, you probably know, in central NJ, from the PA border to New Brunswick area. It's a unique opportunity to see such places with virtually no traffic or tourists. Yes, most shops are closed, but the environments are nice. The university campus in my town is lovely and park-like with interesting architecture. There are historic buildings and even a rather interesting cemetery, if that doesn't turn people off. There are regular wooded parks and a meadow park open near me. If you want more details, send me a PM. I won't add more detail here.

[~Christina]

Do you think part of this needing to know if there was abuse or not could just be your fear that RS and you wont make it???

Your husband made such dreadful choices in his life, No one forced him to take pills.. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Honestly I think you should take a huge step back from thinking about it and stay in the here and now, focus on your Son and RS, Find ways to safely get to see your grandparents, stay busy and muddle along like we are all doing with this plague...

All those questions about any abuse ? I really think you need to hold that back for when your able to see your T in person and process it that way. Right now your spinning your wheels and taking some extra meds to shut out all that excess worries.

Be kind to yourself

[wildflowerchild25]

Yes you are right if live to leave the past in the past. I think it is just such a stark difference between my marriage and my relationship with RS.

I don’t think it was either one of our faults that’s our relationship was so ****ed up. We were both quite young, and came from ****ed up backgrounds. He met me while I was getting ECT in a psych hospital for Christ sake. It was just a shock to see it in writing.

I felt better about it after I talked to my therapist. I think I will feel better if I can reconcile the possible abuse as well.

I think being trapped in my house is having a negative effect on me. We got an email from our director at my job today quoting an article that in these uncertain times, it could bring up past uncertain times in a student (or adult’s) life. That would explain why I am all of a sudden experiences doubts about my marriage even though it’s been over for five years, and doubts about my future with RS (like when he sees the true me, because I can’t hide it forever, he will not want to continue the relationship). But I already texted my therapist and I am seeing her either today at one (if she gets back to me) or Friday. This way I can dump all this out on her and try to remain safe.

[wildflowerchild25]

I talked to my therapist and told her the incident and she said it sounded horrible and traumatic. This calmed my mind because it solidified that I am NOT crazy and he absolutely should not have treated me that way just because I was his wife and he thought I owed him something. I still think I might be overreacting but I always think that, especially about traumatic events in my life. I asked her why it would come up and start causing panic attacks ten years later when at the time I just ignored what happened and got on with my life (I had a newborn, I had to). She said that sometimes trauma doesn’t start to feel like legit trauma until you are in a safe, mentally fit place in your life. So I am in a safe and stable relationship and I am in a good stable place bipolar wise. I have mostly processed my husband’s death (though I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive him for being an addict - sorry to anyone who is an addict). And it was all triggered and sent down the rabbit hole by reddit. The thought that my marriage had never been healthy led me to think about this one particular incident in more detail and allow the initial trauma I had buried to come to the top.

She gave me some ways to deal with it (other than getting stoned on benzos, which is my personal choice). So...I at least feel validated. Doing trauma work is awful but it’s doable. I’ve done it before.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm glad your therapist is able to help you through your trauma.

[*Beth*]

You have received some excellent feedback and suggestions on this post. I think the idea of seeing your grandparents while remaining safe is a wonderful idea! I hope you'll follow through with it, because I truly believe it will help your perspective.

I'm so glad to hear that your therapy appointment was helpful and that your pdoc appointment is coming up soon.

[~Christina]

Im glad your T was helpful

The old saying of "you dont realize what you have until its gone" and usually that's means you lost something good..

But flip side is if you are now in the good healthy relationship looking back at previous relationships and can help you see that they indeed were in a unhealthy relationship.

We all learn lessons from good things and also from bad things in our lives.

Im so glad you have a healthy relationship with RS