Bipolar check-in #44

Had an extremely rough night with suicidal thoughts and impulses. I want to thank everyone who was online last night to support me through it. It means a lot to me.

Some people say I might be mixed. I don't know. Maybe I am, if I am so impulsive.

I'm trying to remind myself as often as I can that there are people out there who care about me and don't want me to hurt myself, that I would hurt them greatly if I did something to myself.

It doesn't help that my mom had precancerous something cut out of her intestines during a routine colonoscopy. I don't know what exactly it was (because it wasn't clear to me), but apparently the dr said it was due to her very poor eating habits. And the thing is, my mom doesn't care to change. I have offered in the past to get her a personal trainer to come to the house, a nutritionist, etc., but she always came up with the excuse of "I don't have time." Yet she apparently has the time to go out to McDonald's and buy a double quarter pounder with extra cheese, a large fry, and a large vanilla shake. This is why I am frustrated and hurt. And it doesn't help that my dad is an enabler who refuses to admit he is.

I really am feeling so awful right now. I just feel deeply hurt by my mom and dad, and I am already feeling very low and impulsive.

I talked to another friend online (she isn't on this site, but we met on another site in 2006), and that helped me kinda push through the night. I'm back again struggling with the urges and impulses, though.

I would go for a walk, but we got a decent amount of snow last night. I don't know how much, but at least a solid 6 inches, I think. It's not a *ton* of snow like when we get 2 feet dumped on us from a blizzard, but it's enough to be inconvenient. Sidewalks just aren't cleared.

Hi,
I'm still pretty new here.
I had a rough night last night. I'm feeling too overwhelmed to do work, but I am working from home.
I'm grateful that is a choice. I work in a lab so mostly I do lab work. The projects I'm working on feel overwhelming.
I'm making it one day at a time. One moment at a time. I have a 10:30 meeting and I'm going to do my best to get prepared.
Thank you to everyone posting. I read your posting and it reminds me that I am not alone in this struggle.

I have my first video session with my psychiatrist tomorrow. It feels so weird to have to have that with him. Weird. It didn't seem nearly so with my therapist, with whom I have a video conference today. I had one with her last Tuesday.

I have a lot to talk about. I think I will prepare notes for both upcoming sessions. I did that a lot in the past.

My freezers, fridges, pantry, and other food storage areas are packed. It reminds me of my maternal grandmother's "post Great Depression" food supplies. I've been cooking and freezing stuff like you wouldn't believe. If I start buying Mason jars and start canning, you'll all know I've fallen over the edge. Maybe even they are sold out. My daytime energy (despite the morning Seroquel XR) is still pretty high, but my other behavior is fairly stable.

Oh, yes!

Her boss and I have worked together to catch her changing info in their computerized system. She wasn't very smart about it yesterday. She'd change the numbers just as soon as they were corrected by her boss. She'd done this twice within the same shift yesterday.

Thanks, Nammu!

Has anyone else noticed missing past threads posted in the "Bipolar Treatments" subforum? I have. There seems to be a number of them missing. It's not even like they were "moved" in that they are there, but show being moved. In any case, the missing ones sure seemed relevant to the "Bipolar Treatments" subforum to me. If such threads were deleted or fully moved, I'd see that as affecting the usefulness of that subforum. If they disappeared for some other reason, that would seem like a concerning technical issue.

Yeah, the ECT thread is gone, too.

The workaround is that any posts made in that thread are still in your personal history. So you can link through that. It's still a problem though.

Oo last night was so bloody long. I couldn't get to sleep. Finally around 4:30am I got up and had some Pepsi to tickle my dry throat. That was better and I fell asleep after that and dreamed of cheese, spear hunting and swimming pools.

the morning started off with the swat team, task force, state troopers, etc here at my apartment complex because there was an active shooter ( a tenant here) that took a few hours to resolve. Nobody here was hurt except the guy himself, he ended up getting shot by police and once they were able to get into his apartment he was taken out on a stretcher. I was taking my trash out when it first started so I ended up locked in the community room with other people here who were out and about because they didn't want anyone wandering around obviously.

Other than that, things are going well. I'm doing great on my meds. Staying home except for grocery shopping or pharmacy. Don't really mind it much because I'm a total introvert and like being alone. I mean, I do like other people's company, but just in moderation lol

My appointments with my psych, therapist, and care manager are now being done over the phone due to the virus, so that's a good thing. I've been enjoying my time reading, playing games, watching movies/shows, playing my ukulele and browsing online. I feel positive and hopeful

Hope everyone is doing okay

I feel horribly depressed still, but I met with my pdoc about 15 minutes ago. I told him I was depressed, and so we made changes to my regimen (again).

Apparently I cannot get 90 day supply of Ritalin even under these circumstances. At best, I can get 60 days. It sucks, but there is nothing I can do about it. At least I only have to go to the pharmacy once every other month, rather than once a month...

I suppose I will go out for a walk today around the area, before the weather gets bad (yep, lots and lots of snow).

Sometimes I wonder what the point of anything is.

the morning started off with the swat team, task force, state troopers, etc here at my apartment complex because there was an active shooter ( a tenant here) that took a few hours to resolve. Nobody here was hurt except the guy himself, he ended up getting shot by police and once they were able to get into his apartment he was taken out on a stretcher. I was taking my trash out when it first started so I ended up locked in the community room with other people here who were out and about because they didn't want anyone wandering around obviously.

Other than that, things are going well. I'm doing great on my meds. Staying home except for grocery shopping or pharmacy. Don't really mind it much because I'm a total introvert and like being alone. I mean, I do like other people's company, but just in moderation lol

My appointments with my psych, therapist, and care manager are now being done over the phone due to the virus, so that's a good thing. I've been enjoying my time reading, playing games, watching movies/shows, playing my ukulele and browsing online. I feel positive and hopeful

Hope everyone is doing okay

Well, I'm "sheltered in place" now. I haven't heard them specifically call it that, but that's what it is. My teddy bear is very happy about this, as we get to hang out all the time now. LOL.

I'm absolutely dreading dealing with the unemployment stuff. That to me is FAR worse than having to stay hunkered down. Yeah, I REALLY loathe paperwork, all the more so when it is on the computer.

The owner of the shop I work at is working at figuring out how to convert what we do into a more online format. While I dread the learning curve this will be for me (I'm really not all that adept with computer things), it's sure better than having to look for a job. He's a very determined and driven guy, so I'm sure he will figure it out.

Really, I'm fine with the hunkering down. I've been amusing myself forever. Plus, I now have lots of time to draw, do jewelry stuff, do little projects, get some deep cleaning done perhaps...

Hugs all around. Nice virus-free hugs.

I don't understand why anyone would do something like that. Is she simply seeking to cause problems for the customers? If so, why?

I feel pretty crappy today. It’s probably a variety of things not just covid.

Just finished my "interview" although in the first two minutes he said I was hired because he remembers me as a good team member so he didn't ask me the normal questions.
We lost power for about 12 hours because of this snowstorm. I'm actually surprised at how quickly we got it back. Usually we're the last on the town grid and amongst the last in the state to get it back. Many a times have we gotten a hotel or motel room just to take a shower.
I'm feeling alright. Still having some minor hallucinations but nothing scary or bothersome and I get my injection in a few hours. I feel good that I have a job now, even though it doesn't start until May (at the earliest, depending on the COVID19 situation).

the morning started off with the swat team, task force, state troopers, etc here at my apartment complex because there was an active shooter ( a tenant here) that took a few hours to resolve. Nobody here was hurt except the guy himself, he ended up getting shot by police and once they were able to get into his apartment he was taken out on a stretcher. I was taking my trash out when it first started so I ended up locked in the community room with other people here who were out and about because they didn't want anyone wandering around obviously.

Other than that, things are going well. I'm doing great on my meds. Staying home except for grocery shopping or pharmacy. Don't really mind it much because I'm a total introvert and like being alone. I mean, I do like other people's company, but just in moderation lol

My appointments with my psych, therapist, and care manager are now being done over the phone due to the virus, so that's a good thing. I've been enjoying my time reading, playing games, watching movies/shows, playing my ukulele and browsing online. I feel positive and hopeful

Hope everyone is doing okay

She is upset with me. I had spoken to her boss about her chronic habit of misinforming customers about their meds, telling them things that simply are not true, rude on the phone, etc.