[lightly toasted]

I was going to post this in Bird Dancer's thread about finding ways to socialise during weekdays, but I realised it was off-topic.

I have done all the things mentioned in that thread, and spent years putting considerable effort into socialising. I make friends easily, and yes there were a few bad apples, but for the most part I luckily, attract truly lovely people. But I find being with them absolutely awful if I'm not completely stable (very rare state for me). If I'm depressed being with others sends me much lower, if I'm on the cusp of hypomania getting together with friends, even just one friend is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

So I retreat to my hermitage, and feel like like my moods recover more quickly if I don't socialise. I live with my husband and my cat, and apart from appointments and errands my socialising is now with them only, or online.

I get lonely sometimes, and I miss the company of other women - but I'm so tired of humiliating or completely draining myself. When I'm depressed or hypomanic I think my filter is working, but it's not , and I have said some truly inappropriate and embarrassing things while with other people, which makes socialising all that much more unhelpful.

My erratic sleep and moods does make it hard to follow through with plans, and I was always letting people down. Better that they invest their time and energy in someone who has the stability and finances .

Maybe I'm just meant to have a rich home life, and it's okay to let go of society's pressure to "get out there" , maybe I'd be more content if I just accepted it's okay to live a semi-loner life.

[Nammu]

Can agree on so many parts of your post. I'm much better off socializing online. People drain me. My mother doesn't understand and can't fathom how I can ignore doorbells and phones.

[lightly toasted]

Thank you for replying, Nammu.

I really wish I could still socialise in person though, hugs, real ones, are awfully nice. I really miss going for a walk with someone, or meeting for coffee, or just doing a bit of window shopping. I find myself being overly chatty with cashiers etc, out of loneliness and a need to connect, but I'm exhausted and agitated just from running a few errands, it's sad really.

I can't expect people to wait around for my stable moments though. I wonder if it all becomes harder as we get older because we have limited amounts of energy to spare at the best of times.

[lightly toasted]

I guess this is a question of never having found the right meds or therapy, that will keep me stable for more than a few months at a time. The longest was Tegretol, and it kept me almost normal, but after 5 months, it pooped out. That was back in 2002.

Maybe this is a common problem with us bipolar afflicted? Wanting to make and keep friends, but never having periods of stability long enough to do it - and it's lonely.

[LadyShadow]

Hi lightly toasted,

I feel the same way you do in a lot of ways, I really miss having the company of women and having ladies to talk to. The only friendships I have with women are online, through Facebook, which honestly, isn't that reliable.

I have a hard time making and sustaining friends, mostly because I don't know where to look and I think people just don't make friends as they used to when I was younger. I'm approaching 40 soon and it's almost impossible to find friends or maintain friends nowadays.

I just have my best friend, (boyfriend), and a few friends online. It's a lonely life, but I've accepted it. I wish you lived closer. : (

It's amazing in a city like New York with ALL these people, you would think it would be easy to make friends. Unfortunately for me, it isn't.

[Blue_Bird]

I wouldn't say I find it destabilizing but it's definitely draining, I'm a very introverted person. I very much enjoy quality time with people but in small doses

[Phoenix_1]

I find socializing is exhausting. After an evening out with friends (no alcohol), I need at least 2 hours to wind down before I can even think of going to sleep. I try to be home by 10:00 and that's too early for most people. They call me a party pooper.
I'm an introvert which doesn't help.
Right now I have 1 friend. He has depression and GAD, and his mum was schizophrenic, so he understands me like no one ever has. I'm lucky to have him. My other friend moved away.
But I live alone so I get plenty lonely.
Since my diagnosis I've been in a holding pattern. I lost many friends years ago when I was sick and at my age I have trouble making new ones. I've belonged to a women's organization since 1980, and every member of my chapter deserted me. I was probably too much to deal with at the time. I joined an online group from the same women's organization but it wasn't the same and I quit. I've been staying at home, becoming a hermit.
I'm not one to go to senior centers to play shuffleboard or whatever with strangers. Even the thought of going to church is intimidating. I don't go to bars or clubs. Making new friends is hard.

[TRNRMOM]

i am 73 yr. bp2 female married; i can relate completely to all the current posts about how certain people can destabilize me. i do not have depression on my spectrum; only hypomania and i can handle certain personalities (chatty, non-stop-talking women) only briefly; i've got a few 30-40 yr. friendships with women who live in the former citifies where i've lived so phone calls and texting infrequently are satisfying enough for me; my socialization primarily is through the health club across the street from our condo where i work out 5 days a week and hubby golfs about 3x/week; i can handle the 2 hr. socialization (gym talk) at the club with women i've gotten to know who are there at same time, but once i leave the club, i prefer and need the quiet time alone if hubby is golfing, or being on computer or listening to podcasts. the days of non-stop socializing or having lunch with 3-4 girlfriends are long over; i prefer meeting a girlfriend for late lunch or early dinner and this may sound like a boring life to some, but it works for my stability and serenity. talking to men usually is easy; it's the women who talk incessantly who are a big trigger for me. this is the world i have created and it works for me. women are complicated! and i no longer wish to put myself in their drama or toxicity so my friendships are very limited. it may also come with age and lifestyle created...what works for me may not work for you...

[yellow_fleurs]

Socializing can be draining as I am introverted and have social anxiety. If I am really feeling depressed, irritable or something it can make me miserable. However a lot of the time with the right people I find it helps me feel stable. I can get lost in a rabbit hole in my head and socializing can ground me, in fact it's one of the more important things I do for stability. In the wrong mood I just can NOT handle it though.
I find setting boundaries to be helpful. Sometimes I get out of sorts because I sort of agree to an open ended socializing like going out with a group of friends. I instead am trying to encourage myself to do things socially, but limit it to shorter periods, or give myself permission to say when I am done even if it's only been a short event. That way if it starts to make me feel overwhelmed I can just go, and this takes the pressure off a little so I am more likely to feel motivated to socialize again next time. That's just something I found that works for me personally.

[~Christina]

I struggle with keeping up in real life with friends. Between Bipolar but I think more so my chronic pain conditions play a huge part.

I love all my friends I have met online. They are just as important to me as person I can go meet for lunch in town.

Online friendships differ obviously from irl.

If online friend texts or however sends me a message I have total control of when I respond. I could respond immediately, later or tomorrow just depends on how I’m feeling.

If a friend reaches out and needs me right away I will respond as soon as I get the message.

I think we all just need to practice self care and do what we can when we can and not beat ourselves up when we have to take a step back and skip things.

[Hummingbird1950]

Phoenix ~ You are like a page out of my book, we could be twins


I am 68 and living in an independent senior home with 184 other women. I am the youngest. My view of the world is everyone walking with rollators, walkers or wheelchairs and facing a brickwall. When I moved, I lost my garden and that was a great outlet for me. Just off my balcony I could be with nature, gardening, watching the hummingbirds coming to my garden - nature can be soo healing.


Here, we have infrequent social events. The events I have gone to are very clique, only the same people sit at "their" table and no one else is allowed. So, I don't get an opportunity to get to know anyone. I sit at a table and no one joins me, so I sit alone. I stopped going.


I am an introvert and it takes alot out of me to socialize and find I have to limit my time around anyone. Then the next day, I have to rest to recuperate.


Due to the fact I have agoraphobia, I decline most offers to go out to do things. Of the times I have gone out, something went sideways and out of my control and it frightened me, so staying home alone with my cat is all I can manage. Plus during a mood swing and irritability creeps in, I don't want to expose anyone to that aspect of my personality. Neighbors no longer invite me to outings. I watch them coming and going and wish I could be with them, but it's beyond my reach.


Most days I let my hair look like Phyllis Diller (a TV star of the 80's) and so I don't want anyone to see me looking this disheveled.


Some days I am more social than others, but mostly the norm is to isolate.

Then, there are the days that I do venture out and someone bullies me and it takes weeks of feeling destabilized and triggered to find some sort of balance and normalize my emotions.


Birdie

Originally Posted by Phoenix_1

I find socializing is exhausting. After an evening out with friends (no alcohol), I need at least 2 hours to wind down before I can even think of going to sleep. I try to be home by 10:00 and that's too early for most people. They call me a party pooper.
I'm an introvert which doesn't help.
Right now I have 1 friend. He has depression and GAD, and his mum was schizophrenic, so he understands me like no one ever has. I'm lucky to have him. My other friend moved away.
But I live alone so I get plenty lonely.
Since my diagnosis I've been in a holding pattern. I lost many friends years ago when I was sick and at my age I have trouble making new ones. I've belonged to a women's organization since 1980, and every member of my chapter deserted me. I was probably too much to deal with at the time. I joined an online group from the same women's organization but it wasn't the same and I quit. I've been staying at home, becoming a hermit.
I'm not one to go to senior centers to play shuffleboard or whatever with strangers. Even the thought of going to church is intimidating. I don't go to bars or clubs. Making new friends is hard.

I don't like socialising, and I especially don't like it when the people i'm socialising with don't get it (you're sitting their thinking they don't care or something)
I also have an intense fear of people collapsing (I've written about it a few times), so I find myself unable to stay around someone for too long, even if I know they are healthy and well.

litirally the only reason I'll be around someone is because I have too (like an appointment or something). I don't like people. it's as simple as that

Originally Posted by TRNRMOM

talking to men usually is easy; it's the women who talk incessantly who are a big trigger for me. this is the world i have created and it works for me. women are complicated! and i no longer wish to put myself in their drama or toxicity so my friendships are very limited.

Me too! And squealing and talking about things I don't give a rat's *** about or make me uncomfortable. Often very unrelatable. All my life it has been this way. I had one female best friend in high school and a few years past that, then VERY few after that (less than a half dozen at spread out times and I'm 56 now). Lol, when I graduated h.s., my grandparents were at the party and commented--"you walked into the house with a line of boys!". Yup, because that's who my friends were.

Currently, I am friends now with my roommate and landlady (the 2 other females in the house I live in-- there are 2 males). It's a very friendly household, so it would be weird if I wasn't. We don't go out and do things or anything, just talk at home.

I've never had the least desire to, say, have friends along clothes shopping. I know what I like and don't need anyone to reassure me. I do things alone all the time-- it's just the way it is. I'm not bothered by it.

We're talking IRL. It's quite different online, though I go only here really.

[Hummingbird1950]

Good points you raised about age and the limited amount of energy to spare even at the best of times. I find that by 2 hours, I am exhausted and irritability sets in.


Birdie

Originally Posted by lightly toasted

Thank you for replying, Nammu.

I really wish I could still socialise in person though, hugs, real ones, are awfully nice. I really miss going for a walk with someone, or meeting for coffee, or just doing a bit of window shopping. I find myself being overly chatty with cashiers etc, out of loneliness and a need to connect, but I'm exhausted and agitated just from running a few errands, it's sad really.

I can't expect people to wait around for my stable moments though. I wonder if it all becomes harder as we get older because we have limited amounts of energy to spare at the best of times.

[Hummingbird1950]

I agree with you. I, too, have been in and out of therapy (mostly due to insurance restrictions or someone leaves) and have been thru most of the second generation medications too.

This comment of yours really struck home with me: "Maybe this is a common problem with us bipolar afflicted? Wanting to make and keep friends, but never having periods of stability long enough to do it - and it's lonely". It's wanting to be part of the pack and longing for this and yet not finding a stable platform to stand on while pursuing constant friendships. I find that people disappear out of my life due to my mood instability. One day I seem "normal" to them and the next ... they don't know what to expect with me. Because my mood is unpredictable, they tend to want to stay away from me.


I tried to become a friend of a neighbor who had severe mood swings. I never knew when she would explode at me or be friendly, there was never a constant. So, I tended to keep my distance from her, even though I basically really liked her and found when she appeared stable, I really enjoyed her company, she was very funny and kept me laughing, But I could never count on this every time, but now, looking back on this, I now understand her much better since getting my dx of BP ll. I am still very fond of her and try to look at all the positives.


Birdie

Originally Posted by lightly toasted

I guess this is a question of never having found the right meds or therapy, that will keep me stable for more than a few months at a time. The longest was Tegretol, and it kept me almost normal, but after 5 months, it pooped out. That was back in 2002.

Maybe this is a common problem with us bipolar afflicted? Wanting to make and keep friends, but never having periods of stability long enough to do it - and it's lonely.

[Hummingbird1950]

I hope this message doesn't come thru as a duplicate. I type out a reply and it doesn't come thru and have to constantly sign in again and it's disappeared, sorry.

In reply to what you are saying, is that basically we want to belong to a pack, it's in our nature.


I understand your comment all too well "Wanting to make and keep friends, but never having periods of stability long enough to do it - and it's lonely" With the ever changing mood, it is difficult to make and keep friends. If we don't have the stable platform to maintain stability ongoing, people see changes and perhaps don't understand and fade out of our lives, which is what happens to me alot.

Birdie

Originally Posted by lightly toasted

I guess this is a question of never having found the right meds or therapy, that will keep me stable for more than a few months at a time. The longest was Tegretol, and it kept me almost normal, but after 5 months, it pooped out. That was back in 2002.

Maybe this is a common problem with us bipolar afflicted? Wanting to make and keep friends, but never having periods of stability long enough to do it - and it's lonely.

[Pookyl]

I get buzzy really quickly when socialising. I usually need a lie down in a quiet dark room after a social event.

[lightly toasted]

Originally Posted by Pookyl

I get buzzy really quickly when socialising. I usually need a lie down in a quiet dark room after a social event.

Yes, buzzy, me too - that's a good way to describe it.

Thank you so much everyone Your replies have really touched me, and it's nice to know I'm not alone in this.

Like many of you, for certain my introverted nature plays a role, in addition to my bipolarity.

What I've learned from your replies is that it helps to continue to learn , and practice setting boundaries. And it's very important to learn skills to emotionally regulate ourselves -something I've just started learning..this certainly applies to me because of my CPTSD. And that most of us, regardless of age, are not going to have the social life we imagined we'd have, and there are going to be times of loneliness.

This is just my opinion, I feel it's worthwhile to accept that I am just not going to have the social life that I expected, and still hope for. There are moments of peace in that acceptance.

[lightly toasted]

Originally Posted by Hummingbird1950

I am an introvert and it takes alot out of me to socialize and find I have to limit my time around anyone. Then the next day, I have to rest to recuperate.


Due to the fact I have agoraphobia, I decline most offers to go out to do things. Of the times I have gone out, something went sideways and out of my control and it frightened me, so staying home alone with my cat is all I can manage. Plus during a mood swing and irritability creeps in, I don't want to expose anyone to that aspect of my personality. Neighbors no longer invite me to outings. I watch them coming and going and wish I could be with them, but it's beyond my reach.


Most days I let my hair look like Phyllis Diller (a TV star of the 80's) and so I don't want anyone to see me looking this disheveled.


Some days I am more social than others, but mostly the norm is to isolate.

Then, there are the days that I do venture out and someone bullies me and it takes weeks of feeling destabilized and triggered to find some sort of balance and normalize my emotions.


Birdie

Me Too. Me Too. Me Too. Me Too. Nodded my head in recognition to so much of your post, Birdie It's tough, and aren't our cats just the best.

Thank you for giving us a window into what living in an independent senior home is like. I turn 50 next year, and I just don't think we hear enough from those who have walked this windy, hilly road before us - I really appreciate your input.

[Phoenix_1]

Hummingbird1950, I can relate to your agoraphobia. I've been agoraphobic since a really bad marriage 10 years ago. I guess I just can't trust people so I don't let people get close. I wish I could. I have 1 friend, my boyfriend.
My big trips outside by myself are usually to the doctor or pharmacy. I don't go anywhere else by myself. I don't own a car, so I walk or take the bus. Thank goodness for my boyfriend. He takes me shopping every week. I feel safe with him at least.

[Hummingbird1950]

Hello Phoenix ~ I'm very very sorry to hear you have Agoraphobia as well It is crippling in nature.


I tried to go out with some neighbors awhile back. We were supposed to go to one pharmacy and I needed to pick up a prescription. then I thought we would come straight back home. Then they all wanted to go out to lunch. I spent most of the lunch in the restroom shivering in fear. I never ate my lunch. After lunch, they wanted to visit some shops that were close by. So, that one trip turned into an overwhelming experience for me and hours later they brought me home. It took days to recover from that.

Now, I arrange for volunteer transportation to take me one place, which they do and bring me back immediately. As long as I know I am going to a doctors appointment, if I have a panic attack, they will know what to do for me and I can never travel more than a mile from home. So, my social calendar is only doctors appts and out to pharmacies now.


Last week, even going to a doctors appt, by the time I got outside my door, I was shaking so badly, I could barely stand up.

You are soo lucky your boyfriend understands and will take you where you need to go, soo very lucky !! It's the safety thing, I agree. When I drove, at least I could flee to my car. Now that I no longer own a car and can't drive, when I leave my home, there is no safe place to flee to.

Birdie

Originally Posted by Phoenix_1

Hummingbird1950, I can relate to your agoraphobia. I've been agoraphobic since a really bad marriage 10 years ago. I guess I just can't trust people so I don't let people get close. I wish I could. I have 1 friend, my boyfriend.
My big trips outside by myself are usually to the doctor or pharmacy. I don't go anywhere else by myself. I don't own a car, so I walk or take the bus. Thank goodness for my boyfriend. He takes me shopping every week. I feel safe with him at least.

[Hummingbird1950]

I agree with you. You captured the wording very well "Wanting to make and keep friends, but never having periods of stability long enough to do it - and it's lonely"

I understand as this is my life too

Birdie

Originally Posted by lightly toasted

I guess this is a question of never having found the right meds or therapy, that will keep me stable for more than a few months at a time. The longest was Tegretol, and it kept me almost normal, but after 5 months, it pooped out. That was back in 2002.

Maybe this is a common problem with us bipolar afflicted? Wanting to make and keep friends, but never having periods of stability long enough to do it - and it's lonely.

[Fuzzybear]

I sometimes think my filter is working and it isn't. So socializing is often hurtful and destabilising to me also.

[BrokenWing60]

Socializing is a epic energy drain for me. The anxious days leading up to a known social outing, appointment & the day that follows. Thought I was the only one like this. So glad to find I’m not the only person feeling like this... And the friend thing doesn’t happen for me either, I think deep down I’m afraid of letting anyone get close enough to really see behind my Smile...

[FluffyDinosaur]

Same here. Socializing is a huge energy drain, and just knowing how badly it's going to drain me is often enough to send me into a mood episode if there's a big event coming that I can't get out of. "Luckily" I have schizoid features next to my BD, so I don't feel a need for friends and I don't really get lonely. The pressure to socialize comes mostly from work-related events. I used to think my dislike for socializing was due to the schizoid features, but now this thread has me wondering whether it might have something to do with the BD as well, even though I don't yet understand the mechanics of how that would work.