Bipolar check-in #46

I forgot to take my meds last night. Now my stomach is feeling "off." I should have taken them, but I fell asleep.

Also, my @ss hurts... like A LOT. I need a new saddle for my bike unfortunately. My bike is technically a men's bike, which means its saddle is one designed for men, not women. So, I'm going to have to invest in a new saddle that's nicer and wider. (There is the concept of "sitting bones," which refers to where your @ss bones touch a chair/seat when you sit-down. Women naturally have wider hips than men, so men's saddles are typically too narrow for women and cause pain on the soft tissue between the sitting bones.)

Anyway, I have a busy day today. Not looking forward to it. Also, one of my laptop keys popped off, so I have to get that fixed. The problem is that I don't want to go to the Apple Store to get it fixed because of coronavirus. It's a free fix because it's under warranty, and I've done it before, but still....

My pdoc cancelled our online appointment ten minutes before it was supposed to begin. Emergency meeting. This frustrated me greatly as I really needed his feedback on my sudden emergence of serious symptoms yesterday. Most likely brought on by anew pain killer. The earliest I can see him next is in a week but I’m on the cancellation list.

This morning my symptoms had eased but they returned this afternoon but not as bad. My fatigue is off the charts though. I’m agitated and ranting when given the chance. Getting down about my physical situation. Thankfully my T checked up on me today so I don’t feel so alone in all this. My thoughts drive me mad, and being practically bedridden I have way too much time with them. I took a tonne of Seroquel tonight so hopefully I will be calm and then unconscious soon. I can’t take much more of this. I don’t know what to do. Hoping tomorrow brings better things or I’m going to break soon.

I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying that your pdoc cancelled your appt because of an emergency meeting at his office, or are you saying he cancelled YOUR emergency meeting?

I think you should call the front desk and explain the situation. I obviously don't live in Australia, but in the U.S. at least, doctors have a responsibility to their patients. I don't know why he couldn't just reschedule you to an appt slot at the end of the day, after all of his other appts. For example, if he works from 9am until 5pm everyday and he cancelled your 10 min appt, I don't see why he can't just work from 9am until 5:10pm (for example). It's all online, so it's not that difficult. But that's just my opinion.

Sorry this happened though. That sounds super frustrating. My previous pdoc once had an emergency, so he scheduled for first thing the next morning, before all of his other appts.

Mixed symptoms are back. Not happy about it.

Depression is not good today. Plus I’m very irritable. I dint take haldol yesterday because it’s making me restless and not helping with paranoia but I think I need it just to keep the irritation and agitation down. That sucks.

I may not see IOP apn till next week. I’m upset. I wanted to see him ASAP. I need something. Minipress, and something for the paranoia and hallucinations. Yesterday I was getting so upset with all the noise from my job and from my group. I just didn’t want to listen to all the voices. It was like they were hurting my head. I can talk one on one with my therapist and boyfriend and son, individually, but I was getting overwhelmed with all the voices at once. This has happened to me before when I was in a very dark, psychotic place. So I’m hoping to nip it in the bud. I will continue with haldol despite the restlessness until someone tells me not to.

Sorry to hear about your struggles. In general, I don't do well with lots of people around me. It's even worse for me when I am experiencing paranoia and hallucinations, so I can somewhat relate to what you're going through. It's a sh_tty feeling.

BTW, I actually learned the other day that akathisia can either cause or exacerbate depression, specifically in terms of suicidal thoughts. It's one of the few cognitive side effects that come with akathisia. So, you might want to look into akathisia symptoms in case you're getting akathisia from the Haldol that's worsening your depression.

Is there any way you can tell your IOP nurse that you need to see him ASAP because it's urgent? If you haven't asked, definitely try asking because the worst thing he can do is say, "no, sorry. You have to wait until next week. But here are some things you could try doing: [insert stuff here]"

That does suck.

When do you see your nurse/doctor again? I don't remember.

Thanks! I actually did see him today. He gave me minipress so hopefully the nightmares stop, and in turn stop the hallucinations. The nightmares were exacerbating the fear that my house was haunted, which may be leading to me to force the hallucinations, because I’m expecting it, if that makes sense. Now I believe my house is NOT haunted mainly because we’ve lived here over a year and nothing like this has ever happened. Plus it didn’t start until I had a nightmare about demons and ghosts.

The paranoia doesn’t seem to be too much of a problem, it may just be heightened anxiety from waking up a lot.

As for the restlessness, i did not know about the link between depression and akathesia, so thank you! I will look into it. I had the restlessness when I first started haldol two years ago and it went away in a few weeks so I hope it will do that again.

Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me.

See the nurse on Tuesday, pdoc next month. The depressive part kinda just wore off so now I just feel moderately hypomanic, which is pretty awesome because I wrote some awesome poems with that and I've been thinking through some trauma **** just by pacing and I'm super excited to get this bloody marble off my face tomorrow.

Have come out of the depressive episode and paranoia thanks to the right meds. I talked to my psychiatrist and therapist today, they're both glad I'm doing good now. My appointments with my doctor are going back to once a month now, they were every 2 weeks for awhile when I was struggling.

I was frustrated/scared yesterday because a medication that was supposed to be delivered from the pharmacy, never showed up even though it said it was delivered at a certain time. I emailed USPS and they were able to locate my package and thankfully it was delivered today. Was worried I'd run out and not have enough for a whole month.

I got my new Xbox One X. I love it, it's awesome!

The next few days I have to clean my apartment because I've been really slacking with that lately. And the weather has been very nice so I need to start getting out more, talking walks.

I'm craving something sweet. But I have English toffee cappuccino mixes and chocolate hazelnut biscotti being delivered tomorrow, so that's good.

Hope everyone is doing alright

Thanks

Im sorry your having a rough time Do what you can when you can... Sending Prayers

Lots happening. My son graduated highschool. He's talking about getting his own place. Working his way through college. It's weird. I feel like I'm going to throw up.

Im up and down and round mentally and physically. Well lots of downs... but I am distracting with ER and my favorite Author..

Has anyone found a new hobby out of the blue while we are waiting this plague out??? Is changing my nail polish fingers and toes every day too much? Maybe I should just pick one color for a couple days? or maybe ill just polish every one a different color and call it a day?

Is eating cake frosting out of the tub a bad thing? .......asking for a friend

Thanks. It was my pdoc who cancelled. The receptionist said he couldn’t fit me in. I didn’t press the point though and say I was in crisis because I was so annoyed I didn’t want to talk to him. I know if I called and said I was in crisis he would squeeze me in. As it is I feel a bit better this morning so far so I can wait until next week. I have meds I can use to deal with my symptoms should they get worse again.

Outstanding! Very important info!
Thanks, Blue!

Its true that akathisia can cause/trigger suicidality.
It's VERY important to report akathisia to your provider and seek relief/treatment asap.

Feeling better, Xbox One X and cappuccino (English toffee, especially) with chocolate hazelnut biscotti! Wow!!! Lucky you!!!

It's always a treat for me to know you are doing well and are enjoying life!
Party on!!!

Being supportive when you want to be like "NO, NO you CAN'T move" suck. He's not even 18 yet

Im going through something similar. Its rough.

I guess your son is much nicer to have around than I was for my parents, and I was the last of the kids at home. My siblings moved out about 6 years before me since they are older. I remember when I moved away to go to college at 18 years old, my folks were quite happy. They even quit smoking, lost weight, and started to do more fun activities. But my parents were a little different than other parents. Not that they were bad or anything.

Well, I used 6 more of the 18 bananas we accidentally bought through grocery delivery. That leaves 10 more to use, since we ate a couple as snacks. This morning I started to make a caramelized banana ice cream. I doubled the recipe. I could have tripled it. I wish I had. When making it, at the last moment I realized that the milk was sour. Thank goodness I figured that out before blending it with the caramelized bananas. I had to drive to the pharmacy to pick up replacement. The mix is chilling. Either later today or early tomorrow I'll freeze it in my ice cream maker. I guess banana nut muffins, which I'll also freeze, will follow.

I accidentally saw a gift my husband bought me for our upcoming anniversary. He was sad about that. Now I'm sitting here feeling guilty that I have yet to even buy him anything. I sort of hate gift giving. I love to give in other ways, but I never know what to buy as presents. Hubby has everything. Actually, too much! I'm easier to buy for because I rarely even buy anything for myself, except maybe a basting spoon, or something in that category.Actually, it was my husband that bought me the basting spoon. I put it on my wish list for my birthday.Yes, he bought me other things, too. I'm the type that would travel with just a backpack. Hubby would have three pieces of large luggage.When people would stare and look at me (the woman), in the airport, I'd say "It's all HIS. Not mine!"

I had my video appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. He seemed happier that my husband didn't get laid off than I was. Actually, he was (and usually is) so sweet. A fault of his, though, is that he procrastinates doing some things, like billing me for my copays. This has been the same way for years. He has not billed me for my copays since January 2019. Yes, 2019! I bugged him about it when I thought hubby would be laid off. He then sent me a bill with zero charges for the whole of 2019. Only the 2020 year to date charges. That was a mistake, not some generous gesture. So I bugged him again and he said something like "OK, I'll do that sometime soon." to which I jokingly yelled "DON'T YOU WANT MY MONEY!?!?" He laughed at that, responding "Yes" and then said that he isn't broke at this time, and can manage without it for now. The bill will be very large. I don't like having such a huge bill all at once. I'd rather pay smaller amounts more often. Can you believe that I have to practically beg someone for a bill? He's a one man operation. He has no secretary.

HI Birddancer,

I get quite a few erroneous foods or erroneous amounts of certain foods , too! I was looking for a good banana bread recipe a few days ago, too. As you know, one of the issues is the fact that the stores do not accept any returns. Sometimes the "shopper" makes some big mistakes. They are supposed to be texting, inquiring about any substitutions, clarifying any questions, etc.

I still feel quite lucky I have access to grocery delivery services.

My current pdoc has no idea of who owes her , who she owes, etc. She has hired a bookkeeper to help her to keep track. I definitely keep a ledger sheet on that one! I do not want to suddenly be billed for a large sum of money just because she has trouble keeping track of money. I do get after her quite openly and quite often because I pay my co-pays on time and she does not deposit the checks for MONTHS! I have shown her some banks allow people to deposit checks in their accounts by taking a picture of the check and forwarding the picture to the bank. I guess many are not so good with the whole billing aspect of their practices.

I hope you both enjoy your anniversary celebration!

So what is this that stores aren't accepting returns? I thought I saw that customer service at Meijer was closed the other day. Didn't look today. I bought "2" enema kits for my procedure on the first but they turned out to have FOUR per box! So I'd like to return one but I guess I can't?

Hi Moose. Speaking of some (perhaps not all) grocery delivery services, it's not always easy returning food items. The service I usually use (Fresh Direct) is an online grocery service based out of NYC, but they deliver in parts of NJ, too. I suppose if an item came that was flat out rotten I could contact them for a refund, but there's less of an incentive for smaller issues.When I thought I was ordering one 5 to 7 count bunch of bananas, two bunches came and each had 9 bananas on it. It's hard to complain when they give you more than you expected. As for the second bunch, I saw that perhaps it was my mistake. Or, I didn't notice the accidental extra one added on. There are opportunities to edit your "cart". Also, sometimes when you order something and suddenly it's not available when they pack the food, they "substitute" with something related (i.e. bananas instead of pineapple). Honestly, people are even lucky to get a delivery time. That makes complaining a less desirable thing to do.

We've also ordered delivery from Whole Foods. There is a Whole Foods within driving distance of me. I could return something, if desired, but then that defeats the point of ordering for delivery. It's also hard sometimes to procure a delivery time from them. Some people stay up until 12 am and submit orders at that moment. Otherwise the delivery slots are full. Sometimes we only get a delivery slot by chance, if someone cancels. It's like a lottery.

Well, my dad got his new bike today that I bought for him as an early Father's Day gift (before all the other bikes sold out!). I had ordered it online last week without telling him and we picked it up today, without him knowing anything about it. He really likes it. It's sort of a dark grey color, but ever so slightly on the blue side. It's got black lettering that makes it sleek looking. It looked better in person than it did online.

Needless to say, my dad was both surprised and elated upon finding out he was getting a new bike. He originally wanted to buy a Wal-Mart bike to replace his old, rusty Wal-Mart bike, but I said it wasn't a good idea to get another Wal-Mart bike because they're low quality compared to the stuff you get at the bike shop, and I know he'll be using it quite a bit.

Anyways, I haven't done any work today. I need to get to work, as it's already almost 3:30pm!

I just got back from my surgery. It went well, except for them spelling my name wrong and having to redo all the paperwork. My lip hurts quite a bit now despite taking Tylenol. I just picked up some stronger stuff from the pharmacy, but I'm trying not to use it unless I really need it like when trying to sleep. Speaking of sleep, I did sleep pretty well last night and my hypomania is gone. And apparently we're in a tornado watch until 10 tonight.
Sending hugs to all