Bipolar check-in #46

I have spent a ton of time psychotic since October. I was on the highest dose of Abilify (25) and it just did not do it after awhile. We added Trilafon 2 mg tid and it has made a bit difference. Something to maybe consider.

Thanks so much for asking, Christina!

I don't know. It kind of comes in waves. I think I'm maybe mourning reality (of my own little world). I SOOOO wish certain things were not, and other things were. Not to fall back on an over-used phrase, but....it's complicated. And it's just really starting to get to me. So very much needing that T appt.


(Still have 2 pages to catch up on.)

Thursday night I did some stupid stuff. I felt the affects from it all day Friday. I feel much better today. These feelings and thoughts started immediately after therapy and since I was totally ok before, and am ok today, I’m gonna assume therapy is what set me off, more then PMS. I’m going to take the advice I got on here and talk to her about how to wrap up the sessions so I don’t feel left hanging. I did delete her email address yesterday afternoon since I think emailing her was starting to become an issue.

I was even thinking the editor of Bp Magazine. They are always looking for articles or even themes for the season's magazine itself. Every season there is a featured topic with a long article/story about it. That also shows up on their popular website I mentioned, which is bpHope.com | Hope & Harmony for People with Bipolar where many of the mentioned contribute. The magazine is quite good, and even many celebs contributed to it, including the late Carrie Fisher and Patty Duke, Kay Redfield Jamison, Demi Lovado, Glenn Close, and many more. Though nothing major, I actually had a little blurb about my former pet parrot published there in a past edition, which featured pets as emotional support. I believe they have had a couple featured articles on the topic of psychiatric hospitals. Isn't your book focused on psychiatric hospitalization? An inquiry with any of these people need not be directly about your book. Just getting them to know your name. By the way, I wonder if you being a doctor and person with bipolar disorder might get attention easier than otherwise?

By the way, do you think that being a doctor (or former one) with bipolar disorder offers a unique perspective into various mental health-related issues?

I got up at 530 and have been going ever since. I read my new kindle book for a while and then went for an hour bike ride after which I showered and got fresh clothes on. Felt great! Now I feel energized yet a little tired. I was going to go grocery shopping after I dropped off N3 at 6 this morning but I went home and drank coffee instead. Tonight is my monster movie at 8:00. I just dont feel like napping! Some days are like this and some I sleep too much. Id rather not be tired every day then I wouldnt do stupid things like take 4 hour naps!

I’ve been having them for months now. I’ve woken up to what I thought was my son saying hi mommy but he wasn’t in the room. Most of mine have been connected to my nightmares. I had a really bad nightmare about ghosts and demons one night and for several nights thought I heard footsteps in the house and chairs being moved in the kitchen. Since I’ve been sleeping better those hallucinations have stopped.

Mine were due to a depressive episode and stress/anxiety due to the pandemic.

Yup ! You need that session much sooner than later,, Complicated? Yes ! Its hard to try and tell your mind to stfu for a while until you can talk stuff out with your T... But I hope you can escape from it all... Does any distractions help??? Im falling into Books and binging ER .

Don't walk yourself into a corner my friend

Im always here if ya need an ear

Doing alright today, albeit a little busy because I found out yesterday afternoon that I will be managing a SECOND person... who starts on Tuesday. Yes, I was made aware of this person 3 days before they start. I have NEVER managed anyone in my life, and now all of a sudden, I have TWO people to manage. I knew about the first person because I had interviewed them myself, but definitely not the second!!

Unfortunately, this second person will be working on a project that I know nothing about, so here I am, spending my weekend reading up on some articles, ebooks, etc.. This situation happened all because a manager had hired this person not too long ago and then they literally *just* left the company for another job and now their team is missing a manager, so we were "gifted" this person while that team finds a manager, and my boss was like, "well, no one on our team wants to accept the person because they are too busy with customer requests, so you are the only one right now."

On the upside, my boss did at least come up with a project, so I didn't have to do that part. I just have to continue writing up documents and reading up on things. But I also need to learn some stuff for the *other* person, because I am supposed to help them with it too!! The projects are totally unrelated.

I hope I can pull through this mess, as I never wanted to be a manager in the first place. I was already upset I had to manage one person, but now TWO and with ZERO management experience? Yeah, I am stressed. I am also worried that I will become a manager at some point, which implies lots of travel... and well, traveling triggers me really badly, so yeah... not happy.

I should be giving my dogs a bath today... Neither one are impressed with getting a bath and it's hard to not only lift them onto the table but hold them and scrub at the same time.. Steve is sleeping, maybe when he wakes up he might feel like just holding them so they don't lunge off the damn table...

They act like the water is just going to kill them... Altho they are just fine jumping in our pond that is surrounded by mud , go figure

In the last few weeks there is a video going around Social media some chick wraps her forehead and hair up in plastic wrap smears peanut butter on it and it keeps the dog busy while she gives them a bath.. Ummm No I do not picture myself doing this, altho the Boys would probably love it

Anyone have any fun plans for the Holiday weekend... You just heard mine LOL

Oh Blue I'm sorry your getting stuck/pushed into this...Hopefully they will both pick up things quickly and you wont have to do much more than Nudge them in the right direction?

I know that I could not handle having to travel. It totally destabilizes me.. You have made this clear to your boss in the past that you simply do not want to travel I think..... Does he think you might change your mind?

@bluebicycle, you don't need this stress. But maybe they won't need your help much? Maybe??

@~Christina That's so funny about the peanut butter! You should try it.

I'm all alone reading my first kindle novel. Got the radio on and I'm thawing chicken for dinner.

Moose ???? Nope Nope Nope thats a BIG NOPE on the peanut butter

I love my kindle, I love downloading FREE books from indie writers.. there's plenty of free of books on Bipolar and other mental illness, Most people just want to share there story like a Blog...... they aren't into for the money or the fame... Some are pretty good and I've read a few that literally are a mumble jumble or nonsensical looping.. But so many authors to try out... I love free stuff LOL plus I want to support the little guys.

I fear the day my kindle dies, I will be a sobbing mess , But all my books are still available to me to download to a new device so I wont "lose" anything..

They have a Fire 7 tablet its only 50 bucks great for books and streaming etc.. Mine was much more expensive 5-6 years ago..

I have alot of trouble holding actual books now.. My carpal tunnel has gotten much worse, I do miss the feel of a book in my hands especially an old books from a dusty used book store.. God I wish I could bottle up that smell.. Some people like the "new car" scent.. I prefer "old dusty used book store " scent LOL

Enjoy your Book

M left yesterday for her internship. No tears and I’m fine! Yay! Progress. I’ve been working hard on my paradigm and limiting beliefs and it’s paying off big in many areas. I look forward to seeing her for lunch next week and at the timeshare in June.

I had a really good therapy session Thursday. Besides a few upsets, we’re working on boundaries, anxiety and confidence. She’s such a good therapist.

I have a pdoc appointment next week. I assume by phone. She’ll be some kind of unhappy that I tapered off Lithium. Not looking forward to that conversation.

I’m being careful and safe. Not going to lie...there’s a pair of leopard print flip flops at Belk calling my name. I’m tempted.

Much love to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

I'm so glad that your Therapy is going well

I don't see anything wrong with Leopard flip flops..... Is the Lithium giving you a problem?

I bought neon pink glow in the dark nail polish today while picking up meds... My Husband said.... Ummmmm You have zero pink colored nail polishes.... Are you ok? It was a legitimate question LOL

You know, I have never read either the magazine or the website. Maybe I should sned off a ntoe and see if anyone might be interested in looking at a chapter maybe, or something. Thanks a million.

I don't know about th doctor thing. I suspect that lay people may think a medical degree has broader implications than those of us in the biz recognize it to, in fact, signify. Medicine is so hyper-specialized in the USA when compared to other countries, esp. the UK. Just a totally, totally different type of healthcare. So, what I know about this illness I have learned just as any other patient has, not really becuase of my education. Yes, I can read all the medical journals with ease, so, that can be an advantage. But I have always considered myself anothe rbp 1 patient, just like anyone else...

I really appreciate your input, BD--thanks so much. And keep writing!! Writers write. Real writers don't write to publish, a successful author once told me. They write becaue they love to write and because they are compelled to do so. Just a thought.

Struggling, concentration is shot, paranoid, bugs, not sleeping well, spitefully suicidal (no plans), we're fighting, I feel defeated. When is it okay just to give up crawl in bed and wait it out? I'm so angry. I'm getting worse functionally as I age. It would be so much easier if I didn't have a family. as horrible as it sounds I regret them some times. I feel horrible for passing my mental issues to my son. Yes I know it will affect him 1000x worse if anything happens to me. I want to escape. I'm mad that I have to accept I'll always be disabled and need help. I'm good at figure out ways around issues but there is no way around this. I hate having "potential" and being to ****ed up to use it. I'm going to crawl into bed now until I can deal with life.

it is far too early on a sunday morning to say " I have nothing to do for the rest of the day", but I don't

may listen to part 2 of the mythology story I've been listening to

it's about how the polynesian demigod maui snaired the sun

I mean it may only be 45 minits out my day, but it's something..

The Lithium is not giving me a problem. I was saying I really want those flip flops but am not comfortable going into a large department store.

I like the thought of that neon pink glow in the dark nail polish!

Hubby and I still have some things on our "To Do" list. I wish we had nothing. He wants to quickly go to Home Depot and I'd ideally like some pita bread from a grocery store. [I crazily thought about making them from scratch, but it "ain't happenin!"] It should hopefully be sunny today. I want to grill some kafta kebabs. I'm still under a dark cloud of stress. I'm not sure how to get rid of it. Hiding in bed under the covers is tempting, but I won't. I'm a pressure cooker about to explode.

Wild Coyote, I sent my sister your stories/suggestions about fighting the LTC insurance company (removing your screen name). Thanks again. She is grateful, too, and wrote it was very nice that you shared. We do plan to hire the lawyer my siblings and I met with via zoom meeting. We hope he can assist us. It all seems so impossible, otherwise. She said she might contact an ombudsmen, as you mentioned, if it seems best. She and I also discussed how to absolutely get our father to go to the neurologist and psychiatrist appointments she made for him. If he objects, we will tell a not quite lie saying that going is necessary in order to try to get LTC to pay.

I've been struggling even to make dinner, lately. By the evenings, I can't go on. I've started to clock more sleep hours than usual.

Some years back, I struggled a bit with mild agoraphobia. I'm afraid that with the pandemic (and everything else), that seems to be inching back. Hubby said when he runs the errands, I either need not join him, or I can wait in the car. I'll maybe do the latter. Even taking a brief walk around my neighborhood is anxiety-provoking. As people approach that you have to pass, either they or we have to walk partially in the road or even cross the street. That feeling is just TERRIBLE!

The other day when I did go to the grocery store alone (sweating profusely from the experience), I went to a cashier I like/know a lot, who usually gives me a hug. Obviously, no hug, which would be uncomfortable for me now, anyway, full of sweat. Even the image of him, now not only behind a plastic shield, but on the other side there are now "doors" of plastic strips like vertical blinds, as if in a see-through jail. He tried to chat with me, but it was difficult to hear him because of his mask. I asked him to repeat, and for some odd reason he asked me if I had a pet. Sore sore subject for me! I left feeling triply upset. He meant no harm, but it was like a "WHAM!" of pain.

I’m going off haldol again. It’s raised my prolactin already. It’s making me jittery and restless and I have tremors. Plus my jaw is spasming worse. I’m biting my tongue all the time and it hurts. My main issue is that I won’t be able to lose weight because of the prolactin. I’m sick of being fat because of meds. I don’t even care if it’s just ten pounds, at least I’ll be able to comfortably fit into my clothes from last summer that way.

If I NEED an AP, I’m going to try geodon again. I tried it many years ago but got taken off of it because it wasn’t helping my mixed state. I think now that I’m mostly stable again and now that I have depakote on board I should be fine. I just don’t care, I am NOT taking haldol anymore.

I went to my Nana’s funeral yesterday and burst into tears because I missed my husband so much. I was crying in the morning too. RS is taking me to the cemetery tomorrow to visit him. I can’t believe it’s been five years. This is the first time I’ve missed him in ages. I never thought I could get to a point where I would forgive him for everything he did to me. But I do. I don’t want him back, per se, but I wish he could see how well me and my son are doing. He will always be my first love.

Thanks everyone for your support.

I can't remember if I said this or not already, so I apologize if I'm repeating myself, but I bought my mom a new bike because the pink and grey bike I was going to give her is too big for her. Now I've been cleaning up my place to make room for the pink and grey bike since my parents won't have space for it when I pick it up from the shop.. Since I'll have two bikes though, I'll use the one that's currently in the shop as a beater bike for riding in the rain.

My parents are concerned that I'm spending a ton of money, so my mom wrote me a $920 check because I spent about $8000 in about a two week time span. The $920 is to cover her new bike, part of the cost of the cost of my dad's bike, and supplies I got for her. Sadly, though, I spent that money on bike related things, but I sorta had to. I needed two outdoor rugs to put on my carpet so that the bike doesn't damage the beige carpet in my apartment. I'm currently waiting on a 3x12 ft runner rug to come in the mail so that I can put it over my carpet and wheel my bike over it w/o damaging the carpet.

Otherwise, I'm doing alright. Still reading up on a bunch of new things that I'm going to have to help the two new people with. Not a fan of being a manager. Never wanted to be one and still don't want to be one. It sucks.

Well, this is the week I'm finally be having surgery on my achilles tendon (Thursday). I'm tidying up my apartment pretty thoroughly so it'll be clean for awhile. Hopefully I can rest a lot in the week following surgery. I have to have a COVID test the day before the surgery. I'm kind-of curious about that.

I'm just a bit jittery about the surgery...the only part that gives me the creeps is the general anesthetic. I have had general twice before in my life, all was just fine, yet is still gives me anxiety. Which is dumb, because you are asleep and awake before you even know what happened.

The weather is crazy hot for May! It's going to be 104 degrees the day of my surgery . Ugh! So I'll have to ride home during the hottest part of the day. Bleck. At least it's not far.

I know how difficult it is losing those we care about.

Perhaps Geodon would work out for you well this time around. When I went on Geodon the second time, it did seem to work sufficiently for a good amount of time (a few years), along with Lithium and Tegretol XR. Lithium was never weight unfriendly for me and neither has Tegretol been. When I went on that mix, my depression slowly lifted and I found the motivation to really truly diet. I lost 40 lbs in six months on that mix, and maintained most all of the loss for a few years. I no longer take Geodon (it started to give me akathisia after five years) but am glad I did for those years. Even though I have put on weight in recent years, I'm still about 20 lbs less than I was 9 years ago when I switched from Depakote and Invega to the Lithium/Tegretol/Geodon I mentioned.