Bipolar check-in #46

It's midnight here and I'm ****ing pissed about practically everything! Grrrr. This is really more of a rant, but I feel the need to get my story out because for all I know it could help someone.
First I feel like my therapist just gave up on me and is just doing sessions to make my pdoc happy that I'm in therapy instead of doing what a decent person would do and ****ing fire me as her patient. **** it, I've never had a good individual therapist. I'm not answering next time she calls. I'm thinking of dropping all treatment together. My bipolar/schizoaffective diagnosis is ******** anyways. You know what led to my first diagnosis? Being angry at my therapist and my dad telling the psychiatric nurse practitioner that "[I get] hyper and sad." Then that moron was like "yup, sounds bipolar to me." Then in IOP the psychiatrist there diagnoses pretty much everyone that walks through those doors as bipolar. Literally every friend I've had from those groups was diagnosed bipolar by that pdoc. I admit I have some dysfunctional habits, yes, but everyone does, and not everyone is bipolar. I feel like all these assholes did to me for years was gaslight me and it got to me. Not just the psychiatrists/nurse practitioners/therapists, but exes, parents, friends, etc. All some ****ing stupid plot because they knew I would rule the ******* world some day or win a nobel peace prize or some ****. But no, instead of letting me do my thing they ruin me. Ridiculous.
I'm getting away from these people. No more injections, no more therapy, no more pdoc, nada. If the **** hits the fan, oh well. I'm going to move too to get away from all my "friends" and "family" who just screw me over.I'm pretty sure my ex has been stalking me since the last time we talked like three years ago too. Just a gut instinct I know is right. He's probably disappointed in me for letting all this **** happen, but hell for all I know he was in on it too.
Ciao!

Been away a couple (few?) days. Been hit with waves of hopelessness. Spells of teariness. I don't know if it's the BP or not. I'm getting things done though. BDD is eating me alive, but that's nothing new. It does contribute quite a lot to the hopelessness. And gut-wrenching pangs off wanting . This is a constant, but I'm not I did talk with T a couple weeks ago about it.

I'm SOOOOO over this ****ing pandemic. It's very much not helping.

all around. Sorry to be so far behind in keeping up.

I have to contact my therapist because my spending is out of control. I literally buy things impulsively because in the moment, I think they look "super cool" or "really fun," but when I get them in the mail, I'm like "meh, don't wanna do this anymore." I also cannot return most of these things. For example, some are used books, some are kindle ebooks, a bunch are shoes, some are used electronics, a lot was bike stuff that I already used, etc.. I can probably return maybe $200 worth of the things I got... because I'm an idiot who thinks "ooooo. What a great deal on used things!" and "last-chance clearance is awesome!" I don't want to have to sell everything on eBay or whatever. It's not worth the headache.

I don't think it's mania at all. I think I'm just being super impulsive for no good reason. Maybe it's because I'm bored? I'm also super distracted and can't focus on work because I'm thinking about too many things at once. I don't know why all of this is happening, but I really, really hate myself right now.

I just have to rant for a minute. I am so miserable right now. I’m super irritable, my son is pissing me off for no reason. Just because he won’t. Stop. Talking. He’s always like this and it doesn’t bother me, but yesterday and today I just want to scream at him. I won’t because it’s not his fault, he just loves to talk. I just want silence. I am also super depressed. I just want to lay in bed and shut out the world.

Thing is, I KNOW it’s just PMS. I’m thinking I actually have PMDD. This happens every time I’m about to get my period. About three days before, I get so depressed and angry. Once I actually get my period it goes away instantly. I’m just trying to hold on until it comes. It’s late because my hormones were all screwed up from haldol. It’s been two weeks since I ditched haldol so I’m guessing my hormones are starting to level out again. Bring on the misery!

I want to go back on ortho tricylin lo. It helped a lot more than this stupid mini pill. My dr took me off of it because I was smoking but I’ve been smoke free since January so I hope she will consider it again. I don’t have an appt until the end of June though. For my annual.

Ugh. My eating is also out of control. I ate half a bag of cheese doodles at 10am. I just had McDonald’s for lunch (though no fries) and a chocolate milkshake. I want to eat everything in sight. I’m not even hungry I just feel like snacking. It’s maddening.

I hope this goes away soon.

Ok rant over.

I hear you on the pandemic. That’s what drove me into a deep depression in the first place. My state is slowly starting to reopen but they say a second wave is inevitable. So we will probably be locked down again in a few months. I can’t take it. AND I read that over half of Americans won’t even get the vaccine if/when they develop one. So who knows how long it could take to die out.

Ohhhhhhhh IZ My heart breaks for you.. Do you think a call to your Pdoc might help, and maybe an add on for short turn to help level you out???

I am so sick of Covid also..

Find compassion an kindness for your self.

Im here is you need anything

I just met with my Pdoc. It went ok but he kept asking how the welbutrin was helping my weight loss. Which wasn’t why he was putting me on it. I mentioned I had lost 9 pounds and he said “whoa! You lost 9 pounds during a pandemic sitting around and just eating? I bet when you get back to work your weight loss is going to excel.” He doesn’t even know what I weigh though. I didn’t say I was eating. How does he not know I am severely underweight?

I mean, did he forget he prescribed me the Wellbutrin because I had crippling depression and couldn’t get out of bed for a week? He didn’t mention how my depression was at all. I have ED traits and while I am trying to lose weight I found his comments to be a bit triggering.

The Wellbutrin is helping way more with my depression then it is with my weight loss.

I just freak out when stuff like this happens and then I get trust issues with everyone at that place including with my therapist.

Can you fill up your car with gas, go to the grocery store, Pharmacy and then give your cards to your Mom so you wont have the access? Of course delete any sites that you have your payment automatically on there?

I am sorry, IZ. Truly. What about maybe a med adjustment of some kind? Have you made any moves lately?

This is very good advice.

I spent t $10K in three days on guitars once. A buddy bought a $450K sailboat during his first manic episode. Wife not happy. On and on...

Something in the air, I guess. Flew into an absolute rage yesterday. Beyond irritable and agitated. Fired off a rage-o-gram. Apologized, hours later. Mixed type episode? Maybe. Not sure. But really, really angry and irritable right now about everything.

On the plus side, I sent a note to the woman who used to run the PSRB here, the program that supervises people who have pleaded insanity. Very proud of myself for confronting her. I believe she is complicit in my torture. We will see if she responds. Oh, don't worry--I sent that one before I became raging. It was quite calm. If she does not reply, then, I would say I likely have my answer. She probably did know I was being tortured and lied to my lawyer and me when we begged her to tell us. She is morally bereft, sadly. Guess where she works now? That's right, the Protland Police Bureau. Inspector General. How appropos...

Love and hugs to all. I need to keep off email and off the phone until I calm down. Forgot how angry I am capable of becoming. Spooky.

I have posted an update on my husband's health and situation on my thread..

I am just running out of mental and physical ability to deal with this all, But I will, I have to, I have no choice.

I am trying to find time for self care, Its very hard to do.

My daughter put up a beautiful post on Facebook about my husband, To her he is a second dad. She hates that she can not come to see us Because of Covid.

My husband's middle son was suppost to get his instrument testing to keep working towards getting another step up to a bigger plane. He is a flight attendant. Well he and Steve is wanting to let him come up here and take his test as he would not have to wait 4 months. But because of Covid all flight testing in Miami is backed up approx 4 months.

I absolutely do not want the kids up here, Many people are asymptomatic just shedding illness.. He is back flying for American Airline, He is literally in a petri dish of possible Covid and any other illness. I do NOT feel it is safe, if my husband were to catch it he would not survive, I am doubtful I would make it due to my Asthma and Biologic. I feel bad for his son , but I also am angry that he would even think it would be okay to come here with his dad so ill Why risk infection your ill father?????.. Steve said well he could wear a mask ... like he will wear one all the time while he is here And now there is larger debate on whether mask are helpful anyway.

This might turn into a very difficult round of talks with Steve to understand that the risk is too high...

I know this will sound ridiculous, but I have my credit card numbers memorized because I've typed them in so many times. I think I have to shred them both and tell the credit card companies that I "lost" my card and need a new one. Only then can I give my credit cards to my parents.

I don't know why I have the urge to shop. There are some times where I get "obsessed" with a specific thing and then I go out and buy everything related to that thing. It's like I see a YouTube video or an ad online, and then I say to myself, "wow, that's so cool. I'm going to buy a bunch of stuff!" even though I barely know anything about said product(s). It's really impulsive and I don't know why I've been doing it lately. I mean, these obsessions can form in as little as one hour. I don't even think about them; I just buy, buy, and buy some more...

It's very nice out, a bit on the hot side as its in the eighties. I went and brought flowers for the flower box that's built on to the house. Not a lot of choices. No geraniums and no mare golds. I don't know what I bought but they look nice. They are small with only a few flowers but they should grow. The kind of like marigolds are two toned red to yellow, then there's a small yellow flower that I think will creep and a red flower one that stands taller. Then I brought a hanging pansy plant to put in the back next to the humming bird feeder. Now I need a geranium for the pot by the garage. Don't know where I'm gonna find that. There's just not much choice it's like the covid affected flowers too.

Speaking of covid my new masks arrived today. Very nice and easier to breath with than the homemade ones. Mine is Heather grey and mum is a muted pink.

I got outside yesterday and sat in the sun, I slept well and I think that's what gave me the energy to tackle the flowers today. In a bit when the sun moves off the deck I'll go sit outside again, earth energy, can't beat it! Hugs and croissants for everybody.

Yes cancel your cards, do just your basic need of food , gas and meds and then give them to your Mom..

You dont want to saddle your self with large payments on credit cards monthly..

Oh the flowers sound lovely

We lost many plants over the winter and Im so angry about it. They should have come back this spring/... But big far Nope !

Its been too damn hot here already.. I have gotten one dog washed today and plan to do the other one when Steve gets up from his nap. I cant scrub and hole them..

Im so happy you got out into the sun

I don't blame you for not wanting the kids near you and Steve. It's a safety thing and I hope everyone respects your wishes.

You're right -- most people can't wear masks of any sort for extended periods of time. I see everyone here pulling their masks down to below their nose (or even on their chin) because they feel they're being suffocated by the mask. So even if masks do help, many people don't wear them properly, whether they do so intentionally or not. So yeah, I can see where you're coming from when you say you don't think he'll wear a mask the whole time he is there. There is no way I could wear a cloth mask for more than 30 mins.

I’m feeling better. I attribute that to sunshine, keeping busy and probably Lithium. I’m beating my step goals every day which increase every time you reach a goal so I’ve really been hustling.

I went to get my hair cut in a cute little bob with bangs for summer ease. The owner was hurrying and wanted me to leave and go straight home because they plan to riot around the mall tonight. That’s too close for comfort. I hope the police can keep the destruction down. I have no problem with peaceful protests.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Slept very well and feel quite good this morning, other than vast national grief and sorrow. The n'hood in Seattle, where my best pal lives, looked like a freaking banana republic last night wiht tear gas and flahs bangs and guns. Insanity.

I really hve to figure out how I can remember to take all my medications. I am alone here and I often forget to take some of them. I just don't know how to help myslef with this. I wish there was a service for people living independeently where we could go and get our meds every day. That would be perfect for me. Then, all I would have to do is show up. Pretty sure that, I could pull off.

Being in the hospital for so long was very good for my bipolar. I was way more stable being around all that support. I have to admit, given how hard it has been for me since getting out in 2016, that I sometimes wonder whether I should just live in a hospital forever. Maybe that is where I belong or something...

Hugs and love to all. Trying to remain apolitical here, but I did experience some hope this morning hearing Mr. Biden talk about Dr. King and Rosa Parks. Maybe we will get through this somehow.

I spent a lot of yesterday anxious that I might have been exposed to anthrax. Long story that I won't waste space here on! In any case, this morning I seem to be past that.

I mentioned in another post that I do not feel like having my therapy video session today. Yes, considering above, some may think it necessary, but I just need a break. My therapist never seems to take a vacation, and the ones I have known about seem to be very short and always fall between my weekly Tuesday appointments. Actually, I am kind of yearning for a day completely alone, too. Hubby has been working from home for a long time now. I asked him if he wishes he had an occasional day all to himself, and he said no, that he likes me home all of the time with him. Of course that makes me feel guilty/bad about my wish.

I don't know what to do with myself, lately. Major home projects are done. The whole flurry of activity that began when we thought hubby would be laid off, is over, since he wasn't. I did express my desire to "run away" (with him), in a sense. We've been looking for flights to Europe in September, which we can't really afford. We are obviously uncertain if the pandemic will still prevent/damper that. My husband's best friend regularly travels to Europe for his job. He just returned from there. Before he left on that trip, he had a major hassle getting a doctor's certificate stating he did NOT have covid 19. Firstly, he struggled to even get tested since they require people must "first display symptoms". Yes, there are some very long line drive through tests in the state, but that wouldn't provide a doctor's certificate. He had to really argue for one, and the test had to be no more than four days before his departure. At least that was the rule for Czech Republic, where he went. It was helpful that he has both American and Czech passports, too. If he didn't, they might not have let him board the onward flight from Frankfurt, Germany to Prague. He said that one American man was sent back to the US, I guess because of unpreparedness, his reason for going to Prague (a friend's wedding), and the fact that they are hesitant to accept people from the US, where the very worst of the pandemic has been. Hopefully this won't be so strict in September. We plan to fly to Vienna, Austria, which has similar rules as Czech Republic. My hubby's Czech passport wouldn't help in that case, if the same rules apply in September. And of course I don't even have an EU country passport. My husband's friend said that upon return to the US, there was basically no checks or inquiries about covid 19 exposure. I'm not sure if it was because he is also an American citizen, or if that was across the board.

You're a former doctor, aren't you? What would you tell your patients if they could not remember to take their meds?

Right now, I can only think of using a pill organizer and setting alarms at specific times of the day when you need to be taking your meds.

You can also ask your doctor friends for advice too. I am sure you have at least one medical professional you can talk to besides your pdoc.

Forgive me if this is too personal, but how did you afford all these things in one month.? Do you have great credit and everything went on a card with an $8,000 limit?

I don't really "afford" it. I do not make enough money to sustain this kind of lifestyle. I had some money saved up for a house, and well... I spent a good chunk of it. Also, my credit limit is $9800, but I learned in the past that if I hit more than $4500 in owed money on my statement, then the credit card company kinda "freezes" my account and starts requesting me to "approve" purchases via text message. (They have done that before.) So, i paid my bill three times in the past 4 weeks to avoid hitting the artificial limit.

Or worse, not be able to afford those payments. Then your credit score could be affected.

Yeah that happened to a friend of mine. He went to pay for a $3,000 Apple computer at the Apple store and his card was declined. They tried several times with varying amounts and this froze his account. Finally, he had the store hold the computer and he went to the bank and withdrew cash and came back to the store and purchased the computer.