Bipolar check-in #46

Conflicts are already cropping up between my siblings and me in regards to my father. I know that it will become extra stressful, not that it isn't already stressful. I'll spare people here of the details. My sister is still doing the lion's portion of the work. I am preparing letters for our dad's upcoming neurologist and psychiatrist appointments. Oh how I hope my father won't refuse to go to these appointments!!!! They are so important!

My husband is under great stress, despite not getting laid off. Actually, he now thinks being laid off or taking the package would have been the better situation. Of course with this pandemic, that would have been difficult. I really hope that a vaccine is created and distributed asap. My husband and I will be first in line to receive it.

I have decided to stop talking to my psychiatrist about our potential future move to Europe. His input makes the situation only more difficult. I'll only talk to my therapist about it. My psychiatrist has volunteered to look over the write-up I'm creating for my dad's upcoming neurologist appointment. That's kind of him. He can certainly provide input on how best to structure it (and on some content) to be as effective and helpful as possible.

Believe me when I write that my siblings and I wished our dad's LTC insurance would have paid towards the assisted living. If they did, perhaps our dad would have just stayed there permanently. At this time, I don't think our father even wants to come home. Sadly, we'd rather he not, too. The reason LTC refused is because they use the alcohol abuse as an excuse. According to his policy, even mental illness would cause an exemption. So, basically his LTC regards these issues as the person's fault.

Rough couple of days around here. Been trying to work through some longstanding conflict wiht the ex. Nearly impossible. Best thing by far would be no contact, but just not possible. She is calmer now, so, microscopic progress, I guess. Ugh. Very hard for me to be around folks who are incapable of empathy.

Also now battling maybe the worst respiratory infection I have had in years. Sneezing nonstop. Wheezing like crazy. Weird. Never had anything remotely like this before. No shortness of breath or anything. But upper airway is so irritated, it is really quite miserable--and I just never feel that way about my physical life. Not febrile, so, okay so far. Will just have to keep an eye on it.

Hope everyone is well. Hugs and love to all!!

Are you going to get tested for COVID-19? I'm not saying you have it, but those symptoms you described are typically the first signs of a coronavirus infection. Then shortness of breath usually comes later. And most people do describe coronavirus as the worst respiratory infection they've ever had. I mean, it is SARS-CoV-2... severe acute respiratory syndrome. So please, do get tested in case you need extra care. Don't try to wait it out. Call your GP or someone who can help you figure out what's going on.

I'm so sorry it's stretching on like this. Not being able to breathe is awful. I had whooping cough (allergic to shots) 10 years ago and my sats would dip into the 80s after a bad "whoop" and it just felt terrible.

I'm doing ok. My family issues are stable I guess. I tried to write about it and I just can't put it into words yet.

If anyting I'm too relaxed . All I want to do is sleep. I'm up now because I had slept 3 hours before I woke up at 12:30. I'll get back to sleep and sleep another long time. Depression sleep. It's been a long time since I've had it.

Continuing to pray for You and Steve. He's very lucky to have you.

N2 can't have the pertussis vaccine either because she had seizures and high-pitched screaming after her first dose. She's never caught whooping cough, so far, knock on wood.

I hope she never does. It was horrible. I was working in home health and am pretty sure I caught it from a patient so at least I know/knew I was at high risk and took that risk. We knew one person had it and I explained that I couldn't safely treat her. I went to another person's house and after I knew what whooping cough sounded like I knew that was what she had and that she was where I probably caught it (looking back). By the time I was symptomatic she wasn't testing positive anymore. I'm fairly sure I spread it to quite a few of my patients but they were diagnosed with "pneumonia". Some of them even said "this feels like whooping cough" and I couldn't say "well..........probably is".

I really hope your daughter never gets near anyone with it. If she ever suspects she has she needs to really advocate for a test before taking any antibiotic. The antibiotic only helps protect others from her and makes it so the test isn't accurate but it does let her know she's had it so delaying it won't hurt her and she won't feel good enough to do anything anyway. Honestly you pretty well know but it's good to be sure. It also lets the health dept. know that there has been a case and probably are more. I took the antibiotic b/c I didn't know (I think the doctors were trying to cover the healthcare professional spreading it through 3 counties) and so never was swabbed when I should have been.

Conflicts are already cropping up between my siblings and me in regards to my father. I know that it will become extra stressful, not that it isn't already stressful. I'll spare people here of the details. My sister is still doing the lion's portion of the work. I am preparing letters for our dad's upcoming neurologist and psychiatrist appointments. Oh how I hope my father won't refuse to go to these appointments!!!! They are so important!

My husband is under great stress, despite not getting laid off. Actually, he now thinks being laid off or taking the package would have been the better situation. Of course with this pandemic, that would have been difficult. I really hope that a vaccine is created and distributed asap. My husband and I will be first in line to receive it.

I have decided to stop talking to my psychiatrist about our potential future move to Europe. His input makes the situation only more difficult. I'll only talk to my therapist about it. My psychiatrist has volunteered to look over the write-up I'm creating for my dad's upcoming neurologist appointment. That's kind of him. He can certainly provide input on how best to structure it (and on some content) to be as effective and helpful as possible.

Believe me when I write that my siblings and I wished our dad's LTC insurance would have paid towards the assisted living. If they did, perhaps our dad would have just stayed there permanently. At this time, I don't think our father even wants to come home. Sadly, we'd rather he not, too. The reason LTC refused is because they use the alcohol abuse as an excuse. According to his policy, even mental illness would cause an exemption. So, basically his LTC regards these issues as the person's fault.

Wishing my T appointment was this week, but alas, it is a week and a half away. There is SO much in my head that it just might explode. I'm not up to talking about it all here.

I'm kind of unsure how I feel about a tele-T-appt.. It's not so much the tele part itself, but that because people are home, I don't have the sense of privacy I would at the office. Do I make a tent of covers?(!) (Kidding? Maybe?) I don't know.

I should probably let rip on paper, just dump it all out, then shred it. It's been a very long time since I've had a T appointment. Like a year and a half I think?(!) Gah. Can it really be that long?!

I'm not sure I like the new situation. The people are fine (I saw them for a short time a few years ago), but the newer insurance sees psychiatry as a short term thing. This of course makes no sense for certain dxs. I don't get it, but there ya have it. It's all well and good when I'm doing well, but...

I'm just kind of babbling. I've got a lot of anxiety going about this situation. I am firm in my mind on one count. The rest is a jumble of contrary emotions.

I woke up feeling like I NEED to self harm. Not sure if it was something in my dreams or not. I can’t remember having a bad dream but maybe I did. Right now I’m fighting it because it doesn’t make sense. But my chest is tight and I feel like I’m freaking out. I took my morning dose of haldol so I’m hoping that calms the agitation. I’m sure it will. I just have to wait it out.

I woke up feeling like I NEED to self harm. Not sure if it was something in my dreams or not. I can’t remember having a bad dream but maybe I did. Right now I’m fighting it because it doesn’t make sense. But my chest is tight and I feel like I’m freaking out. I took my morning dose of haldol so I’m hoping that calms the agitation. I’m sure it will. I just have to wait it out.

Wishing my T appointment was this week, but alas, it is a week and a half away. There is SO much in my head that it just might explode. I'm not up to talking about it all here.

I'm kind of unsure how I feel about a tele-T-appt.. It's not so much the tele part itself, but that because people are home, I don't have the sense of privacy I would at the office. Do I make a tent of covers?(!) (Kidding? Maybe?) I don't know.

I should probably let rip on paper, just dump it all out, then shred it. It's been a very long time since I've had a T appointment. Like a year and a half I think?(!) Gah. Can it really be that long?!

I'm not sure I like the new situation. The people are fine (I saw them for a short time a few years ago), but the newer insurance sees psychiatry as a short term thing. This of course makes no sense for certain dxs. I don't get it, but there ya have it. It's all well and good when I'm doing well, but...

I'm just kind of babbling. I've got a lot of anxiety going about this situation. I am firm in my mind on one count. The rest is a jumble of contrary emotions.

bpcyclist, what a lovely project your daughter gave you. That definitely does help strengthen a connection!
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As for me, I'm still doing one project after another, and there are plenty more on the "To Do" list. I'm trying not to think of them as a whole, but in small batches. Speaking of batches, I used more of my ripe bananas by making our favorite banana nut muffins, most of which I'll freeze. There are only two ripe bananas left. I'm thinking of peeling them and freezing them for future smoothies. Thing is, I already have at least two (or three) frozen from weeks ago. I'd better start making smoothies.

I do NOT want to go to my father's house to clean. It really angers me that I even have to, beyond some regular level cleaning. The house is downright filthy! It needs an industrial strength cleaning crew, which my brother and sister and I am not! It's mostly my brother's fault, though he would never take responsibility for it. Most of the crap in the rooms belongs to my brother. The house is getting rundown. What it needs, neither my sister, brother or even father would think to have done. Painting, new kitchen cabinets, some new living room furniture, a new floor in the bathroom...etc.

So I jammed my pinky into the dryer door. My nail ripped half way up the nail bed and half way across , lots of blood lots of cursing from me... I think I made up some new words

I need to pick up superglue tomorrow when I get my Xeljanz... Its just throbbing

So I jammed my pinky into the dryer door. My nail ripped half way up the nail bed and half way across , lots of blood lots of cursing from me... I think I made up some new words

I need to pick up superglue tomorrow when I get my Xeljanz... Its just throbbing

Umm... ouch! I hope your finger heals soon!

If anyone judges you for your pinky, just play it off like you're Dr. Evil

HAHHAHAHHAHHAH Thank you for that Pic!!! SO needed a laugh right now